Hiding from the Homeschoolers

I just realized that many moms from my homeschool group are bloggers here. I'm glad now I haven't used any identifying information. I've enjoyed getting a deeper look at them through their blogs, but am not so certain I want them to get a deeper look at me.

I don't know why it matters. I guess I don't want the stigma of mental illness to follow me into my daily life outside of my home. I think I've been fairly good at looking normal...I mean my clothes match and are appropriate for the weather most days...lol. My kids are fantastic! Not a day outside of our home goes by that someone doesn't complement us on what a wonderful family we are and what fantastic kids I have...even complete strangers. Our librarian has mentioned that other homeschool families seem so strange to her, but we are normal. I think we seem normal because the kids are very happy, confident, very social, and don't dress weird...well maybe when they were younger and I let them pick out their own clothes...lol. They still pick out their own clothes, but they choose clothes that look like what everyone else is wearing...within the limits of modesty.

But that is where normalicy ends. It's always been difficult for me to have a conversation with any of them. They all seem so capable and intellegent...and don't seem to be able to comprehend my struggles. We live in different worlds. My strength as a homeschooling mother has been loving my kids and teaching them to love and respect themselves and others. They love God and are eager to please Him (as it should be). Nothing I do is easy. Things that are simple for others are a major battle for me...one I believe is worth engaging in however. Many things are let go...like try as I might I may never be able to make bread from scratch, or be a good organizer or leader. However, I can pray and ask God to lead me to the solution He has for me for a particular problem or task.

As I read the other blogs, I can feel myself becoming slightly envious over how much these other moms accomplish and how blessed their families are because of them and their amazing capabilities. We get by. And I am very grateful for the few people in our homeschool circles that have compassion for us rather than looking down their nose as so many do at my lack of taking on a lot of responsibility outside of my home. I've learned the hard way not to commit to anything long term. I never know from one day to the next what I'm capable of. I've tried so many times...and have had to quit midstream because I just couldn't do the job any longer. I hate being undependable, and having to give explanations...very embarrassing, very humbling.

There are two homeschoolers in particular who have reached out to our family. One is a leader of the co-op school. She is actually a grandmother raising her grandson. I've let her down so many times. And you know what she says to me? She asks if there is anything she can do to help. She is an example of Christ's love to me. ..one that I've needed so desperately at other times in my life. I haven't needed her help at this stage in life, but I sooooo appreciate that she is willing to offer it.

The other homeschooler who has reached out to us is my girls' Scout leader. She is also a grandmother and is raising a wonderful daughter she adopted. She understands that there is something wrong with me that keeps me from being able to "do my part". She always lets me know that anything I do is appreciated, but not a necessity. Instead of refusing to talk to me like some of the other mothers have done, or questioning the validity of my excuses, she always talks to me eye to eye with respect. She offeres to pick my children up for events and to bring them home. She knew my mother, and in some ways, I see my mother in her. She is a true blessing.

I've had to back away from most of our homeschool group activities for the most part because I find socializing to be extreemly stressful. Most people are not kind, especially in the Christian group. I used to think I needed the groups for my kids to get the socialization they needed, and for the groups to organize field trips that I wouldn't be able to organize myself. In the smaller groups we've been in, those were needs that were met through the groups, but now that the groups are so large...it's almost like it's become a corporation without a heart. We are more involved with our church now, and it's a much healthier place for socialization.

I'm not sure what my place is in the homeschool community. The general gist of it all is that every mom do her part to contribute to the benefit of all. I have nothing to contribute. I even had to quit working with the toddlers at our co-op because I just didn't have the physical strength to carry the supplies back and forth from the van with my toddler on my hip. Not one person offered to help as they watch me struggling. I sense that they just gawk...which might be paranoia on my part. And I didn't have the emotional strength to respond well to high expectations of the other mothers. There's no pleasing some people. I couldn't tolerate the chemicals they insisted their kids use to disinfect their hands prior to snacks. I guess handwashing with soap and water is a thing of the past. I just didn't belong there...and I FINALLY (after years of trying to fit in) realized it and quit forcing myself. I'm healthier for it with less stress in my life. But I grieve the loss of what I imagined in my mind that it "could" have been.

At the church, when I mentioned I'd had lead toxicity and was not well, there was a spirit of acceptance in the air. I'm still trying to find where I fit in there, and how I can contribute. But like I said...not a day goes by that they don't tell me how wonderful my children are and how much they enjoy having them there. They attribute that to me and how I've raised them. I attribute it to the grace of God. There is a healing atmosphere there. I can relax, and be myself, not pretend anything. It's all ok... the good days and the days I struggle to get through. I can just be me, and allow others to minister to me. Eventually I hope to find my place to minister to others.