Another Day of Mental Struggles

Merry Christmas. I love Jesus, or do I? I hate his birthday. I love my husband but I hated our wedding. I love my family, but I hate being with them. What I hate is my inability to cope with stress...good stress, bad stress, etc. My adrenal glands don't know the difference. I want to die. I've been in bed 26 hours trying to recooperate from Christmas Day and I just feel worse for not being more involved with my kids today. They don't ask how I am or if I need a drink. Perhaps they are downstairs sulking because I haven't asked how they are or if they need me to make dinner. I feel that I've failed them. I'm failing God. I can't stand to be in my skin. I want to die. I want the nightmare to be over. My mind is not right. My body hurts every day. What use am I to God. Of what use am I to my family except to keep disappointing them. I dissapoint myself. I know it always gets better somehow, but at what cost? How much do I put my family through. I wish not interacting was the answer, but it only makes things worse. Interacting makes things worse too. There just is no answer. I'm just going to pretend I'm dead until I feel life in me again. I'm so ashamed.

My step mom said that if I can't handle my perfect life, how will I ever be able to handle a real problem. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I hope she chokes on her money and dies. I hate her. I truely do. I hate her devaluing me and my kids. I want her to go away from me forever. She wants my house. I wish she'd just take it and get it over with so that we can find another place to live even if it is under a bridge. I hate greed and she is full of it. She is poison. She came to my house uninvited. I stayed in my room. I've been here 26 hours now. I want to be dead, then I won't be hurt that nobody cares if I have water. I've been fighting the urge to hurt myself, to destroy myself. I really don't expect God to care at this point. I'm such a disappointment to him. Why should he care? He gives me everything and I still cannot find it within myself to be grateful. I only want to die. Is that not the ultimate rejection? I've searched for reasons that I'm such a mess. I understand adrenals, neurotransmitters, etc. But ultimatley there is no explanation. Because I'm told all I have to do is confess that I'm well and the power of God within me will make me well. It's not working. I know God is real. He either doesn't want me well, or doesn't care. I don't blame him. I just wish I was well, dead, or can learn to cope. Why can't I learn to cope? Mike wants a counselor to fix me. She can't. She doesn't know what is wrong any better than I do. Suicide seems to be the perfect solution to everyone's problems. But yet I know it's not. The game is to wait it out and then to pick up the pieces over and over and over and over and over again and again and again. The cycles seem to never end. Oh Lord, hear my cry. Answer my plea for help. Please do something. Amen.