I Need Help!

I have to get away from my mother-in-law if I'm going to function to take care of my home and kids. I've tried to keep a sparse relationship with her...but with the holidays and her needing my input on Christmas shopping, Ashley making things to sell in the craft fair, her going to the same health club as me, along with the weekly visits that I've allowed, I just can't handle it anymore. I'm beginning to wonder again if her intent is to destroy me.

She knows I don't watch the news because I have adrenal failure. I cannot even tolerate watching fictional shows that are stressful. She comes to my home and tells me of a two year old baby who was beaten to death and her head held in a toilet because she didn't say please and thankyou. Then she tells me about a friend of hers who took a shower knowing her friend was taking a sheet out behind the barn to kill herself...and succeeded. Then on the way to the Christmas party last night she called to tell me that her neighbor that I knew shot himself behind his barn. Needless to say I'm ill again. I hope she is happy. I can't stand this. Could she be doing this on purpose, or is this paranoia on my part. I just can't stand to be around her. But that doesn't matter to anyone. I'm supposed to grow a tougher skin. I can't ok. That is what illness is about. If I could make myself well, I certainly would. I'd like to be able to choose who I spend time with. But my husband's holiday plans, and my children's desire to have a relationship with their grandmother, and my desire to not rock the boat, all keep me in the sick, sick, sick relationship.

My husband's answer is to take more muscle relaxers, more valarian root, more cortizone, etc. It's not the answer. I'm feeling desperate again to simplify my life so I can cope with it. That means getting my inconsiderate mother in law out of it. That means staying home more...no more Christmas parties. It's only December 2nd, and I've been to three Christmas parties.

I'm stressed because my husband gets ticked with me when I'm ill. He tells me not to talk about it...just to announce that I'm not well. But then when I can't function enough to cook meals or take care of the baby, I can tell he's aggitated. I feel horrible like it's my fault. It's difficult to be better some days and worse others. Nobody knows what to expect. When I'm well, I'm so grateful for nomalcy at least for a while. But then when I crash, I wish I was ill all the time to have some sort of consistency. I hate disappointing the kids. Like today, I was supposed to take Philip shopping for a gift for a kid in his class. I just couldn't do it. Ashley wants me to take her to get some stampers to make Christmas cards. Not only could I not do that, but she ended up taking care of Olivia all day. Olivia has been sick all week. I just don't have the strength to take care of her, and I'm very dizzy.

It's all so frustrating. My husband thinks it's my fault she is sick too...blames me for not taking her to the doctor. I can't do it...just can't. Everything is my fault always. I can't cope, and I can't help it. I want to die to get off this rollercoaster. I realize that my life belongs to the Lord. It's not mine to take. I try to live for Him. Whatever I'm capable of or not capable of is in His hands. My prayer is for relief.

Please pray. And I'm open for advice. If anyone ever reads my blog, please respond.
I realize I write this blog mainly for myself and probably don't have any readers. But if I do, I'd like to know.

Sorry to post the "down stuff". I'm really not down all the time...but it does happen. And when it does, I need to work through the issues so that they don't have such a negative impact on me the next time I get down.