Made a breakthrough

I feel like I made a breakthrough today. I'm not sure what to attribute it to, but here are my thoughts:

(I'm recording these things so if I crash again, I'll be able to look back and see what I was doing when I pulled out of it before)

1. Better sleep: I ate a huge meal last night at a Christmas dinner party, and I didn't wake up in the middle of the night hungry as usual. I took 2 5htp capsules as well as 2 benadryl (for food allergies) before lying down so that may have also contributed to better sleep. Olivia slept the whole night in her own spot, and didn't wake me. Mike slept in a seperate room so his breathing problems wouldn't keep me awake.

2. No more pms.... Perhaps all I needed was to hang in there until there is a hormone shift.

3. Thinking on what is good: Per Mike's advice, I've been focusing on what I can do rather than the frustration I feel for what I can't do. Also, there is an emotional release that comes from being so suicidal that you realize that none of the stuff that is pushing you to the edge really matters. Mike said to try to see myself as God sees me. I burst into tears because I think God sees me as a lazy bum that isn't busy using the talents and gifts he's given me. That parable in the Bible stays in the forefront of my mind about the hard master that is angered by the servant that burried his coins rather than investing them. Mike said that God sees me as I will be for all eternity, where as I'm focused on the here and now. There is a time to heal, and God is in control of that. I always have anxiety over not knowing when to quit and when to keep pushing to keep going. Sometimes the simplist things can be so difficult. Anyhow, today I'm focused on what I can do....which was a lot more than most days. But I'll need to remember to be just as grateful on days that all I can do is snuggle with Olivia, and leave the amount of what I can do up to God.

4. Environment: The kids cleaned the house yesterday. It was painful for Philip and Heather because I've not been requiring them to do daily chores since they started school. They are out of practice. The air was emotionally charged. But, today, it is pure bliss for me to be in a clean house. It's very soothing. Maintaining it is much easier than sitting in a messy house unable to do anything about it due to being overwhelmed.

5. Meds: I've been taking my maximum dosage of hydrocortizone for the past two days. I've been afraid to take the maximum dosage because I thought it was interferring with sleep and increasing my appetite. I thought these were signs that I was taking more than I needed. But I read recently read that a normal, healthy, unstressed person requires 40mg of cortisol a day. I'm only taking 30. I'm still in pain physically, BUT mentally and emotionally I can tell a big difference, and I'm able to cope with the pain better. I've not been taking any other of my other supplements due to not thinking clearly until last night when I took the 5htp for sleep and benadryl for a reaction I was having (to peanuts I think). It makes me wonder if taking less is what I need. I'm going to make a list of everything I'm taking to my next appointment and ask Dr. Mac if there is anything there that I don't need or that could possibly be making me worse.

6. Pacing myself and staying organized: I've created a light schedule for myself to keep a sense of order until the holidays are over and we can get back to our usual routines.

7. Prayer: At cell group, Mary said that we have circles of influence. I've read about that concept before. She said that we are the best person to pray for ourselves. I can agree to an extent, but when I'm too confused to even participate in a conversation, I reach out and let others know I need God's intervention. I have no doubt that this is a huge contributing factor to being pulled out of that pit called depression.