O God Help Me!!!!!

1. I'm in so much pain today. My request is for relief, and for God to reveal to me what His plan is for me today. I hate when the end of the day comes and I feel terrible for squandering it away. Perhaps I could work on addressing Christmas card envelopes.

2. I'm being made aware of so many needs... people in my cell group not able to buy gifts for kids, a fellow sufferer of mcs stranded in Hawaii not able to save enough money for a plane ticket back to the states, third world countries making the opportunity available for others to buy animals for them to raise and eat, etc. I'm so confused. I want to pay our debt off. I want the chaos to stop...for everything to be in order, and for there to be a clear plan of action.
Angie (my counselor) says the chaos is from me using so much energy to avoid stress and chemicals that there is none left over for managing. That's not it at all. I'm convinced there is some sort of interference with my brain function...be it damage from the high levels of lead, or perhaps inflammation from chemical exposures, or whatever. I'm paralyzed today from pain and not knowing what to do/not do. I want to cry..and that doesn't help. I NEED simplicity. I need mental relief from over stimulation. I try to break things down to one step at a time to not be overwhelmed. I've been trying to allow enough time to pace myself. Things that are so simple for others are so hard for me. My request is for God to lead me and to fix my brain!!! I feel selfish asking...like I've asked so many times, and the obvious answer is no or He would have intervened, so to keep asking makes me a nag. I'm hurting. I want so much to be a good mom, wife, and Christian. I feel like giving up. Giving up doesn't solve anything either. But it does make things more simple...brings me relief. It's easier not to care. I can't even think straight to take my medications. I need help remembering to pick my kids up from school. Lord, please help me. I'm so sick.

3. Mike is not well. His BP is through the roof. How can I sit here doing nothing while he is killing himself to take care of us all.? Next year I want to be prepared to go back to homeschooling. It's what I believe to be best for the kids and for our family as a whole. The kids are exhausted from lack of sleep and we have such little family time together with everyone going a different direction all day long with school and music practices/play practices, church stuff every day of the week. The housework and childcare is falling on Ashley because Heather and Philip are no longer available to do their part. It's as if school has become our god. Everyday we are racing the clock. I hate it. I miss the flexibility and effectiveness of homeschooling. I miss Mike coming home to a clean house and dinner on the table. I miss having energy left over to rub his tense shoulders and sore feet. It feels like we are in the rat race now with everyone else and all the stress it brings. I could do without the tuition bills and superficial relationships as well.


4. Mike has made Christmas plans with his mother and with Heidi. I've had so many disastrous experiences with them and don't have any reason to think that this year is going to be any different. I want to do it for Mike, but worry that I'll just end up making things worse. My prayer is that God will control the situations and strengthen me to cope with the head games. I feel so powerless. Why can't he love me and the kids enough to say no to them? Whatever. I'm hoping I'll die before Christmas. Happy Birthday Jesus. I'm playing around with the idea of running away from home until the holidays are over. Mike can hate me but at least I'll still be alive to ask forgiveness. Why can't I just be normal and play the games like everyone else?

5. Why is there no option for privacy here? Dang..now I have to erase it all. Can't some people blog just for themselves without the intention of other people reading everything? I'm so burned out..adrenal exhaustion is what it is called. Oh what I'd do to be allowed to go to sleep and wake up after Christmas when the world is sane again and expectations are manageable. Yep...suicide. That's all I can think of right now. Relief, escape, take the pressure off. If anyone does read this, they will laugh thinking what in the world I have to be stressed about. I have the perfect life, all needs met, love, precious children, etc. Well, that's the physical world. But there is another world. An inside world...a mental/emotional world. That is where all the stress/chaos is. Nobody else can see it and I'm not allowed to talk about it. All I'm allowed to say is "I'm not well." No tears, no explanations. I'm supposed to say, "I'm not well" and then function like I am well.

I'm NOT well. Nor can I act well. Suicide is looking better and better each minute that passes getting closer and closer to Christmas. Survival? I have to go somewhere. And then I worry I may not be able to face my family to come back. I'm always the problem causer. I'm always messing up and being a poor example.

Anyone out there that can help? please do. I'd prefer this post to be private, but since it's not, I'd like to hear how other people would make this better if it were them? I can't unbirth my children or unmarry my husband to have a more simple life. I can't make myself feel unvulnerable to my mother-in-law or my husband's best friend's girlfriend. Heck, I can't even tell my husband I'm not going to NC without creating WWIII. I used to go into the hospital when feeling like this, but that just puts us further in debt and doesn't solve anything either. I used to not want to kill myself because funeral expenses are so high, but we already owe way more than that, what's another $10,000?

My family? They don't give a rip. My sister told me that I'm reaping what I've sown. I've made decisions and I'm paying the price. Let's see...I decided to follow God. I cannot imagine how that is the wrong choice, but sometimes like now it sure looks that way. The answer to me seems to get as far away from people like her, my inlaws, and friends of friends who enjoy nothing more than bossing people around and putting others down to make themselves feel superior. My father would rather watch me suffer than lift a finger to help. It's all about learning life's lessons. I didn't marry rich...rule #1. I didn't finish collage..never mind that it was due to illness out of my control...it still needs to be punished. I had more than 2 children, and on purpose!!! Shame on me. Kids aren't worth the trouble they cause....that's what my step mom tells me. Sick woman...that's all I have to say. She can spend money like it's beans, and pride herself in watching us do without as punishment for me getting pregnant after she told me not to. She wants more and more and more...insatiable. I wouldn't care if it didn't mean that we can't get medical care without going further into debt. Selfish bitch. I just have a problem with people who care more about things than people. I always have. I can see it as a twisted illness, but I certainly don't want to go there and be treated as less important than a vase or a floor tile. I won't go back...ever. They can choke on their money and die for all I care. They've made it clear over and over and over again that they don't care about me or my kids. It hurts, and I'm tired of hurting. But yet...gotta have something to give them for Christmas. I hate playing this stupid game. Rips me of any self respect I might have left. The question that matters is what does God want? What honors him? It's his birthday after all. The answer? I have no clue. I just know that even if I wanted to, I can't seem to stay well enough to play the game this year. I thought getting stuff done ahead of time would lessen the stress...but the closer we get to D-day, the worse I am.

I already have it planned out where I can go. I just don't want to be the cause of more problems. I'm starting to feel like I don't have a choice. I can't function here. Mike needs a new wife who can manage the bank accounts, clean and organize the house, do the grocery shopping, pay attention to him, get the kids to school and back, and cook wholesome delicious meals. What he doesn't need is me making things worse. My prayer everyday is for God to make me into that person, or to get me out of here to make room for that person whoever she is.