1. I'm grateful to have an opportunity to sit down and write in my gratitude journal! And yet still grateful for the energy I've had and for a busy week.
2. I'm grateful for my cell group. We've finally met together after being apart for what seems like months. Deb, Mary, and Gary were a sight for sore eyes. There were only 6 of us as opposed to the 12 to 15 in the usual crowd. It was the perfect environment for me to share some of my struggles, and for others to open up as well. I made a new friend, and deepened a relationship with an old friend. These connections are so important to me. God is using them to minister to me and to give me the opportunity to minister to others. In my prayer I was able to thank God for such healthy relationships with other Christians. I've never had that. I've always wanted that. Now that I have it, I'm so very grateful.
3. I have my new flipper (false tooth) and I like it better than my old one. I mentioned before that I'm grateful that Mike was able to work out a trade agreement with his dentist for computer services. Ashley made Christmas gifts for the dental staff from clay and magnets. They are such pleasant people.
4. I joined the senior YMCA with a medical membership. I learned how to use the treadmill and some of the machines. I especially enjoyed stretching with their giant web of stretchy bands. The senior ladies I met are Christians and are very friendly and helpful in showing me how to use the equipment. I was concerned about triggering fibro symptoms from exercising too much, but that hasn't been the case today. I'm sore, but NO fibro, praise God!
5. Olivia's fever has broken and she has more energy today. I usually get extra concerned when Olivia becomes ill because she is so small and doesn't know how to verbalize her symptoms to me. She kept putting her hands in her mouth saying "it hurts". I decided to take her to see the doctor to make sure it wasn't strep if she wasn't improving by morning. I gave her some echinacea and elderberry last night. This morning her fever has broke and she is playing with gusto.
6. I have a new haircut...shoulder length. And I love it.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Healthy Raw Pecan Pie Recipe- no wheat
Healthy Pecan Pie Recipe
By Dr. Ben Kim on November 21, 2007 Healthy Desserts
If pecan pie is on your mind, you and your guests will love this raw and healthy version.
While this recipe calls for only healthy ingredients, it produces a super-rich and sweet pecan pie that is best served in small portions. Rather than serve this pie in traditional triangular portions, I recommend that you use a good knife to divide the pie into 2-inch squares. One or two squares are enough to satisfy the fiercest of dessert addicts among your family and guests.
Ingredients:
2 cups almonds (raw, if available), soaked for one hour, drained, dried3 dozen pitted dates, soaked for one hour, drained (save water)1 tablespoon fresh lemon or lime juice1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon1/4 teaspoon sea salt1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract2 cups raw pecans, soaked for one hour, drained, driedExtra-virgin olive oil
Directions:
Put almonds and 10 dates in a food processor and blend until they come together into a crust-like consistency. Add a small amount of water (saved from soaking the dates) if necessary to aid in bringing almonds and dates together.
Grease a pie plate or 9-inch square baking pan with a light coat of extra-virgin olive oil - this will help prevent the pie from sticking to the plate.
Use a spatula or the underside of a spoon to press the almond-date crust into the bottom of the plate or pan. Be sure to spread it up the sides of the plate or pan to form a full pie crust. Put the finished crust in the freezer until you are ready to fill it.
Combine the remaining dates, fresh lemon or lime juice, cinnamon, sea salt, and vanilla in a food processor and blend until the mixture takes on a smooth, homogenized consistency. Use a small amount of water (left over from soaking dates) if necessary.
Spread the date filling evenly over the almond-date crust.
Arrange raw pecans on top of date filling and press down lightly to help keep the pecans in place.
Enjoy this raw and healthy pecan pie!
By Dr. Ben Kim on November 21, 2007 Healthy Desserts
If pecan pie is on your mind, you and your guests will love this raw and healthy version.
While this recipe calls for only healthy ingredients, it produces a super-rich and sweet pecan pie that is best served in small portions. Rather than serve this pie in traditional triangular portions, I recommend that you use a good knife to divide the pie into 2-inch squares. One or two squares are enough to satisfy the fiercest of dessert addicts among your family and guests.
Ingredients:
2 cups almonds (raw, if available), soaked for one hour, drained, dried3 dozen pitted dates, soaked for one hour, drained (save water)1 tablespoon fresh lemon or lime juice1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon1/4 teaspoon sea salt1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract2 cups raw pecans, soaked for one hour, drained, driedExtra-virgin olive oil
Directions:
Put almonds and 10 dates in a food processor and blend until they come together into a crust-like consistency. Add a small amount of water (saved from soaking the dates) if necessary to aid in bringing almonds and dates together.
Grease a pie plate or 9-inch square baking pan with a light coat of extra-virgin olive oil - this will help prevent the pie from sticking to the plate.
Use a spatula or the underside of a spoon to press the almond-date crust into the bottom of the plate or pan. Be sure to spread it up the sides of the plate or pan to form a full pie crust. Put the finished crust in the freezer until you are ready to fill it.
Combine the remaining dates, fresh lemon or lime juice, cinnamon, sea salt, and vanilla in a food processor and blend until the mixture takes on a smooth, homogenized consistency. Use a small amount of water (left over from soaking dates) if necessary.
Spread the date filling evenly over the almond-date crust.
Arrange raw pecans on top of date filling and press down lightly to help keep the pecans in place.
Enjoy this raw and healthy pecan pie!
Healthy Cranberry Sauce Recipe
A Healthy Cranberry Sauce Recipe
3 cups of cranberries (approx. one 12-ounce bag)
1 cup of orange juice (or use less for a thicker sauce)
1 cup of xylitol (or use the same amount as the orange juice)
Combine all the above ingredients in a heavy saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until cranberries soften and begin to pop.
Remove from heat to let cool to room temperature, and then refrigerate until ready to use.
3 cups of cranberries (approx. one 12-ounce bag)
1 cup of orange juice (or use less for a thicker sauce)
1 cup of xylitol (or use the same amount as the orange juice)
Combine all the above ingredients in a heavy saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until cranberries soften and begin to pop.
Remove from heat to let cool to room temperature, and then refrigerate until ready to use.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Gratitude Journal November 24, 2007
1. I was able to get Philip's bed up the stairs and assembled with his bedding by myself. It looks nice and it makes me happy that he is excited about sleeping in it. There is no place for his bedside lamp though, so I gave him a flashlight to keep on the windowsill next to his bed. He is happy. I'm happy.
2. The children's friend spent the night. They planned on staying up all night. Two made it the whole night and today has been a day of rest. It was soooo nice to see our friend who moved away this past Summer. I'm praying that we will be able to see each other more often.
3. We had breakfast with my sister's family at Shoney's this morning. I've been so stressed about finances...being able to make them stretch enough to have a gift for everyone. When it came time to pay the bill, the waitress told us my brother-in-law had already covered it. That was very kind. They are headed back to Virginia today. It is so nice to be a part of their lives. Also, I wasn't stressed over making a good impression on them, as usual. My health has improved enough that I'm satisfied with how I look, and the shape my house is in. They are FAR from where I want them to be...and still have a lot of plans, but I'm satisfied rather than embarrassed. The kids all had a good time. There is so much for them to do here and they don't have to be concerned about breaking things or making messes. It's just part of life and we like living life here.
4. A woman who hasn't seen me for several months said, "Well, look at you! You've lost a lot of weight!" I was aware of the weight I've lost, but to hear her say that, just made me feel good about a goal that has been realized and recognized. She knew I was working so hard to improve my health...she even lent me some of her books on Health God's Way. It was good to share the success with her today.
5. I've been very strict on my detox diet the past few days because I've wanted to feel good while dealing with so much company and the Thanksgiving Holiday celebration. I'm pleased that it has gone well...at least until I ate at Shoney's. I had eggs, mushrooms, and raw green pepper...all very tasty. There must have been something in them I didn't know about, or it was the chlorine in the water because I swelled up and really struggled today after all the company had left. But, what I'm grateful for is that from Wednesday until Saturday morning, I did very well...felt fantastic and even got so much done around the house. Something bad did happen at my step-mother's house. I always have so much anxiety about what might happen and whether or not I will respond to it appropriately. I'm pleased to say that I think I have it in perspective.
2. The children's friend spent the night. They planned on staying up all night. Two made it the whole night and today has been a day of rest. It was soooo nice to see our friend who moved away this past Summer. I'm praying that we will be able to see each other more often.
3. We had breakfast with my sister's family at Shoney's this morning. I've been so stressed about finances...being able to make them stretch enough to have a gift for everyone. When it came time to pay the bill, the waitress told us my brother-in-law had already covered it. That was very kind. They are headed back to Virginia today. It is so nice to be a part of their lives. Also, I wasn't stressed over making a good impression on them, as usual. My health has improved enough that I'm satisfied with how I look, and the shape my house is in. They are FAR from where I want them to be...and still have a lot of plans, but I'm satisfied rather than embarrassed. The kids all had a good time. There is so much for them to do here and they don't have to be concerned about breaking things or making messes. It's just part of life and we like living life here.
4. A woman who hasn't seen me for several months said, "Well, look at you! You've lost a lot of weight!" I was aware of the weight I've lost, but to hear her say that, just made me feel good about a goal that has been realized and recognized. She knew I was working so hard to improve my health...she even lent me some of her books on Health God's Way. It was good to share the success with her today.
5. I've been very strict on my detox diet the past few days because I've wanted to feel good while dealing with so much company and the Thanksgiving Holiday celebration. I'm pleased that it has gone well...at least until I ate at Shoney's. I had eggs, mushrooms, and raw green pepper...all very tasty. There must have been something in them I didn't know about, or it was the chlorine in the water because I swelled up and really struggled today after all the company had left. But, what I'm grateful for is that from Wednesday until Saturday morning, I did very well...felt fantastic and even got so much done around the house. Something bad did happen at my step-mother's house. I always have so much anxiety about what might happen and whether or not I will respond to it appropriately. I'm pleased to say that I think I have it in perspective.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Gratitude Journal November 22, 2007
1. Imagine...a gratitude journal on Thanksgiving Day! I am thankful for so much. Gratitude has indeed become my pattern of thought over the past few months of keeping a daily gratitude journal. For that I am thankful. I ran into a woman the other day who has had a long term relationship with my mother-in-law who is a very controlling woman. They are not getting along at the moment, and she was expressing her frustration to me. Instead of jumping on the bandwagon, I was able to tell her that I have learned to focus on the good, and when it comes to my mother-in-law, I focus on the fact that she is the most generous woman I know. Does that mean I bury my head in the sand when she tries to control me and brainwash my children...no! But when unsettling obsessive thoughts come into my mind about her, I am now able to replace them with thoughts of how generous she is. There are many examples in my head of her donating truckloads of food to the City Mission, cooking dinner for grieving church members, taking her neighbor to his doctor appointments, etc. This is a skill I'm grateful for, for my sanity's sake.
2. I was pleasantly surprised that my sister's family came into town to celebrate Thanksgiving with us. Not knowing we were going to have company, we had planned on a special meal with everyone's favorites rather than the traditional Thanksgiving dinner because we don't enjoy those foods so much. So, whey they heard we were having spaghetti, garlic bread, chicken fried rice, cut vegetables, raw cranberries, water, and cheesecake for dinner, they opted to have the holiday meal with my dad and step-mother. So, my step-mother threw together a last minute dinner party with her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren and told us all to bring what we were already going to cook since her kitchen is under construction. They have a big room that they added on to their home for such occasions, and we all filled the room. Mike made 5 loaves of bread, and I made 6 dozen of my very popular chocolate chip cookies. We also brought the vegetable tray we had planned on. It was a big success...and we had our spaghetti later with my sister and twins for supper at my house. We had such a good time playing with Aunt Linda and the twins. Uncle Alan camped out upstairs watching the Dallas Cowboys. It was good to see all of them.
3. I'm grateful for Valerian root. I usually experience anxiety attacks when I'm around a lot of people at once. My nervous system seems OK today, and I attribute it to the Valerian root. I don't need to use it often, but when I do, I thank God for it.
4. I took Philip to get new bedding to go with his new/used bed we found at an estate sale last weekend. We found something very nice at Target that was extremely reasonably priced. I was very impressed and pleased that he chose the more traditional bedding rather than the Spiderman ensemble which would have cost three times as much. That left some money over from what I budgeted to get Heather a new comforter for her bed as well. She also made an economical choice. I'm pleased that our upstairs is coming along, and that our bedrooms will be in order soon...but that should be #5 on my gratitude list. Tomorrow, I'm going to see if Uncle Alan will help me carry Philip's bed upstairs. Mike's back has been troubling him, and I don't want to take a chance on making matters worse for him.
5. I'm most grateful for my improved physical and mental health. I'm grateful for every new clue we get about how to improve my quality of life. As I look over this past year, and past decade, I can see improvement as we've uncovered different aspects of my health and made adjustments to compensate or improve my overall function. When I catch myself getting frustrated over things that I think I should be able to do, I think back to where I was before, and count my blessings. My hope becomes restored.
2. I was pleasantly surprised that my sister's family came into town to celebrate Thanksgiving with us. Not knowing we were going to have company, we had planned on a special meal with everyone's favorites rather than the traditional Thanksgiving dinner because we don't enjoy those foods so much. So, whey they heard we were having spaghetti, garlic bread, chicken fried rice, cut vegetables, raw cranberries, water, and cheesecake for dinner, they opted to have the holiday meal with my dad and step-mother. So, my step-mother threw together a last minute dinner party with her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren and told us all to bring what we were already going to cook since her kitchen is under construction. They have a big room that they added on to their home for such occasions, and we all filled the room. Mike made 5 loaves of bread, and I made 6 dozen of my very popular chocolate chip cookies. We also brought the vegetable tray we had planned on. It was a big success...and we had our spaghetti later with my sister and twins for supper at my house. We had such a good time playing with Aunt Linda and the twins. Uncle Alan camped out upstairs watching the Dallas Cowboys. It was good to see all of them.
3. I'm grateful for Valerian root. I usually experience anxiety attacks when I'm around a lot of people at once. My nervous system seems OK today, and I attribute it to the Valerian root. I don't need to use it often, but when I do, I thank God for it.
4. I took Philip to get new bedding to go with his new/used bed we found at an estate sale last weekend. We found something very nice at Target that was extremely reasonably priced. I was very impressed and pleased that he chose the more traditional bedding rather than the Spiderman ensemble which would have cost three times as much. That left some money over from what I budgeted to get Heather a new comforter for her bed as well. She also made an economical choice. I'm pleased that our upstairs is coming along, and that our bedrooms will be in order soon...but that should be #5 on my gratitude list. Tomorrow, I'm going to see if Uncle Alan will help me carry Philip's bed upstairs. Mike's back has been troubling him, and I don't want to take a chance on making matters worse for him.
5. I'm most grateful for my improved physical and mental health. I'm grateful for every new clue we get about how to improve my quality of life. As I look over this past year, and past decade, I can see improvement as we've uncovered different aspects of my health and made adjustments to compensate or improve my overall function. When I catch myself getting frustrated over things that I think I should be able to do, I think back to where I was before, and count my blessings. My hope becomes restored.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Could it Be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?
My new counselor mentioned PTSD. I figure she's thinking that my oversensitivity to chemicals is due to the scents triggering some sort of subconscious memory. I've been told that before, but know it to be false. You just have to experience it to understand. I'll equate it to breathing sleeping gas before undergoing surgery. The gas used induces unconsciousness...there is not an emotional component. Well the same thing happens when I breath petroleum products (like asphalt being laid, pumping gasoline, etc) and breathe in certain colognes and perfumes. My head spins, I struggle to walk straight and stay conscious. I get confused about where I am and become very uncoordinated. There is no emotional component except that it is emotionally taxing to have to go through such a struggle and to be so misunderstood.
But I'm looking at the explanation of PTSD and can see a rightful place for the dx in my life. It is not the direct cause of my chemical and stress sensitivities, but there have certainly been traumatic events in my life that resurface over and over and over again. I've referred to it as obsessing. I've tried to move forward and not obsess...to focus on what is, not what was. To forgive, let go, put what I cannot control into God's hands. I feel led to make a list of the events the definition says should have been traumatic (but that don't play a significant role as far as I can tell in my life/mind right now). And then I want to make a list of my unique big stressors that I think others wouldn't have a problem with at all. I'll then give the list to my counselor if she thinks she would find it useful in helping me think more clearly and have a healthier perspective and expectations.
Here's the list I found online that I'm going by:
Kinds of traumatic events People with PTSD most often experience one or more of these four types of traumatic events:
Seeing someone being killed or badly injured
Living through a fire, flood or natural disaster
Living through a life-threatening accident
Having been in combat
But many other traumatic events also can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder, including rape, mugging, robbery, assault, civil conflict, car accident, plane crash, torture, kidnapping, life-threatening medical diagnosis, childhood physical abuse or neglect, sexual molestation, being threatened with a weapon, terrorist attacks, and other extreme or life-threatening events.
Traumatic Events defined by others:
#1 SEEING SOMEONE BEING KILLED OR BADLY INJURED:
A. I used to work in ER...I've seen a LOT of tragedy....people shot up, two daughters dying the same night from a car wreck (very traumatic day). I probably did have PTSD for a short time after that one. The grief I witnessed from the mother was the most disturbing part. I also had a difficult time dealing with the callousness of the medical personnel. I guess over time they become calloused to survive the daily trauma. When I worked in oncology and intensive care, it was much easier. Death was not such a shock, and was welcomed by some.
B. I was first to arrive at the scene of a man thrown from his motorcycle near where we lived in LeSage. He did not have a helmet on and his head hit the railroad track. I did not find this as stressful as others because he was not in pain and there was nothing that I needed to do other than call 911. I didn't witness any family grieving...but felt it so tragic for someone to be alive one moment probably with dreams and plans, and be gone the next instant. He had used poor judgement making a left hand turn without looking, and not wearing a helmet. I hurt for the person who hit his cycle...since this same thing happened to my brother and I was aware of what legalities and emotions may be plaguing the other driver. But it wasn't my guilt. I wasn't to blame and I was there to help. That is why it didn't stress me.
C. I was at my mother's bedside when she died. I took care of her for six months while she battled colon cancer. It was one of the most peaceful times of my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. At the moment of her passing, I hurt for my dad though. We were always taught not to show emotion. He wailed, and I figured his pain had to be very extreme for him to do that. I feel other people's pain...always have. Sometimes I feel it more intensely than they do...lol. My brother and sisters stuffed back any emotion as I did. It was a very awkward moment. My brother and I handled it with humor. I remember the jokes we told as he was getting a haircut for the funeral. I'm sure the barber thought we were nuts. He was probably right.
I mentioned in counseling that I'm relieved my mother is gone. I felt guilty about that for a while (10 years maybe). I talked to my brother about it. It took him a very long time to ever grieve her loss as well. I'm not glad that she suffered. But I am glad that she is with Christ (I know she is), I'm glad for those months we had together prior to her death that were very different than our usual role of parent and child. I'm glad that death brought a relief of suffering for her. God was merciful. By the time of her passing, she was ready. I also had a two week old baby which was comforting to have a new life come as another life passed.
My mother didn't approve of my choice for a church, a husband, my choice of a career, the place I lived, etc, etc. etc. I was always a disappointment to her. She wanted me to be Catholic instead of Pentecostal. When she learned after the fact that I had gone to Haiti on a mission trip, she told me she'd rather I'd stuck my head in a toilet. She thought I should have studied to become a doctor instead of a nurse, but yet when she needed nursing care, I was prepared to help her. That made me feel that perhaps she could see my life wasn't a total waste...lol. She didn't want me to have children before I finished college. I didn't finish college due to mental illness, but yet had children anyway. She hated my mother-in-law who was very disrespectful to her (she is to everybody), and I didn't look forward to the stress and battles that lie ahead. My mother had not been a big part of my life since I left home at age 16. And I knew having a child might change that. I feared not being able to cope with having a closer relationship with her. At times though I wonder how she might have changed over the decades and what type of relationship we might have now if she were still here, but God is in control not me...and what is...is. I long for a mentor in my life. I feel that a large part of my immaturity is from not having anyone in my life as a mentor.
D. OK...here is another one I found stressful. There was a lady in the ER, the doctor was foreign...from India I think. He cut her open right there in the ER without her being anaesthetised to drain the fluid from her lungs. He was cutting through her rib while she was screaming. He was telling her to suck it up...and she was cussing him. I was standing there observing, trying not to pass out. Someone told me that's just the way it is with these foreign doctors. They don't use anesthesia in their countries. But we are in America. That just wasn't right. It wasn't necessary. She didn't die. But that image of me standing by doing nothing, helpless to help her as I was trying to keep myself from passing out was the source of many nightmares.
#2 LIVING THROUGH A FIRE, FLOOD, OR NATURAL DISASTER:
A.. Hmmm. Floods are just a part of our lives. We've lost antique furniture, cars, riding mowers, have to deal with disinfecting mold/mildew/human waste. We can't get flood insurance because we live in a flood zone. No big deal..it's just stuff. We know the risks, we know the routine. We save what we can. When exhaustion sets in, we let the rest go. My step mom called once to see how I was doing. I was ill and just didn't care. The kids and I were safe. We shut the power off, took the necessities up to the second floor and were just waiting it out. My step mom called the national guard to come get us...lol. That was comical. They 'saved' a reporter who had climbed aboard their monster tank to keep his equipment from going under water, but I didn't see the sense in it for us...and apparently neither did the other residents. I told the rescuer that we didn't need rescued, the water was already going down. He told me he couldn't guarantee that it would continue to go down. It was silliness. But the good thing about it is that I was very touched that my step mother cared enough to do something to help us. That touched me in a positive way. Perhaps the flooding would be more traumatic if we feared losing our lives, but the flood levels are controlled. It only gets so high before the city turns on some sort of pumps.
B. I used to have recurring night terrors about our home being washed away when we lived on the Ohio River. We had to be rescued by canoes. It was before we had children. Those night terrors were traumatic. But real life flooding has not been. It's just an overwhelming task of getting everything back to order afterwards.
C. We lived through a hurricane in Myrtle Beach, SC. Our town was evacuated. We stayed because Mike was emergency personnel. We stayed with him at the electric company because we had nowhere else to go. We were not close to any family at the time. I found it adventurous. We were huddled in the phone room with the ceiling tiles flapping due to the high winds. I had peace knowing God is in control. The only stressful part was that I sensed Mike was embarrassed to have us with the people he worked with. I choose not to visit that issue in my mind. It's over, it's past, and he is different now. It was stressful at the time to feel like an embarrassment to him, but he is a very proud husband and father now, and we are friends with many people he currently works with. When we returned to our home, it was amazing that many homes around us were destroyed by either wind or flooding or both, and ours was untouched. God is good.
#3 LIVING THROUGH A LIFE-THREATENING ACCIDENT
A. I'm racking my brain trying to think of the accident's I've been in. The most stressful ones are when I'm driving my parent's car...just a fender benders...but the trauma of facing them. I don't suppose that falls under the category of life-threatening though, so I'll move on.
B. A car was coming toward me on the wrong side of the road. I had to drive off the road to avoid it, and we passed without incidence. But as I tried to come back on to the road, I lost control of the car and the car rolled down a hill. I was pregnant at the time and wasn't wearing a seat belt because of the way it hit my belly and I had read that the risk would be higher to the baby. So, I braced myself with my hands on the ceiling and stayed in place. The windshield shattered and I had a few minor cuts. Other than that, I had pulled muscles in my shoulders and back. I crawled out through the broken passenger window feeling so thankful to be alive and thankful that I had cleaned my car out the day before...especially that bowling ball...lol. A nearby resident called 911 and came to see if I was ok. He said he was so surprised and relieved to see me crawling out, but became very concerned when he saw I was pregnant. Ashley was fine too. The car was totalled, but I had bought and paid for it myself. I didn't have anyone else to answer to...and that's why it wasn't stressful.
C. I was a passenger in a car that caught fire. I jumped out while it was still moving. My body hair and eyelashes were singed by the flames that came in when I opened the door, but I wasn't burned. I scraped my knee and bruised by elbow from falling on the pavement, but I was ok. The driver was ok too. He waited longer to get out and was burned more. The car didn't explode or anything like in the movies. The fire dept. came and put the fire out. The entire dashboard was melted. I was in college at the time, and my journal required for English class was burned, along with a few of my text books that were replaceable. I think the most stressful part was my English professor not believing me because I didn't go to the hospital. Did he think I'd burn my eyelashes off myself LOL just to have an excuse not have to turn my journal in? I didn't go to the hospital because I wasn't injured. I hate for people not to believe me...as if by them not believing me, it invalidates me somehow. I thought about trying to re-create my journal, but didn't...and took the bad grade...bad grades were traumatic for me.
#4 HAVING BEEN IN COMBAT
A. The only combat I've been in is with my mother-in-law. She tried to take custody of my first two children. Until I met her, I'd never encountered anyone like her...and was in total shock of the carefully laid plans, the lies weaved, the witnesses she is able to produce for things that never happened. She is a woman who doesn't take no for an answer and will go to any length to get what she wants. Yes, even murder...she has killed animals to get revenge on neighbors, and told me if she killed my father-in-law, nobody would ever know. I knew...and I'm not nobody. The daily battle with her went on for three years until I left town with my kids with no forwarding address intending to never return. My father-in-law was a very kind-hearted man who lived with us for a time. They were separated, and we came back to Huntington when we learned he was ill for Mike to build a relationship with him, and for me to find a doctor to treat me who had known me before I started experiencing personality changes. I also thought perhaps my memory might function better if I were in a place and around people I was familiar with. We moved back here, intending to stay only until my father-in-law passed. The battle with my mother-in-law of manipulation, control, and overstepping boundaries started again. I told her if she keeps it up, I am going to take the kids, leave again, and never return. She knows I mean it and backs off, so that is the card I play every time it gets out of hand. I recently learned that my nephew who she is raising (yes, she went for custody of other children too, and caused another woman to lose custody of her children in an attempt to get them for herself) molested my son. I feel sick inside...very sick inside...anger and nausea. Now that my mother-in-law has custody of my nephew, she is more obsessed with him than she is with my children. I see it as a blessing, but pray for him daily. And she did try to kill my father-in-law by not giving him food or water when he was too ill to take care of himself. Why he trusted her to take care of him, I'll never understand. A family friend and I ended up taking care of him until his natural end came after I heard her tell the hospice worker she wasn't feeding him because he couldn't swallow and I knew he could. Mike's uncles gained a new respect for me...enough to mention to me that they no-longer believe the lies that Mike's mom told them about me. It is the start of new relationships, but I still feel a lot of anxiety around them all. I go to the family reunions so they can see the kids, but don't see them other than that and at funerals. I see Mike's mom weekly as she visits he kids under my supervision, and I don't answer phone calls from her except on that day. It's all I can handle and still be able to keep focused with the things God has called me to. And now that I've learned of the repeated molestation, I'm not sure how to handle it. I know cutting off her Friday visits with the kids will start another war. Also, doing anything other than pretending that my nephew is an absolute saint will start a war. He is so out of control...and this is her typical response: He tripped my daughter causing her to tear her tights and there was blood running down her leg. My daughter says, "Warren tripped me and I'm hurt and bleeding." My mother-in-law says," he did NOT trip you, I saw the whole thing, you are not hurt, and there is no blood." While we are all sitting there looking at the blood, we are supposed to pretend it's not there and believe what she says because she said it. It's totally insane. I was afraid to take my daughter to the bathroom to clean her leg. I caught Warren once holding a knife to Philip's throat when he was about 3 years old. He also nearly drowned him in the bathtub by holding his head underwater. He pinches my other daughter under the water at the swimming pool. And I listen to my mother-in-laws stories every week about how Warren is such a passive child, will avoid confrontation at costs, everybody picks on him for no reason, etc. etc. etc. I just want to throw up. Warren is 11 now, and approaching puberty. Everything in me says to cut off all ties before things get worse. I want to leave the area because she stalks us periodically...showing up everywhere we go saying she can see her grand kids in public anytime she wants. I fear both the war that will start if I cut off contact, and what may happen to my children once Warren's testosterone levels increase during puberty. I don't want them to know where we live. I don't want to have to deal with this on a daily basis. The truth is that we do not have the money to move, nor do we want to leave Mike's job or our church. My threat to leave town with the kids is an empty threat.
B. I sensed that when I worked at 20th Street Bank, that they were wanting to fire me, but didn't have legal grounds. The reason I believe now looking back at the people they chose to do this to, is that they felt their jobs were threatened by anyone who would come to work that had more than half a brain. Anyhow, it was a battle of sorts. They were trying to trip me up to have reason to fire me...putting me in positions without adequate training so I'd make a mistake and they could fire me. When that didn't work, they would undermine my work by misfiling checks I had already filed. I stayed one step ahead of them (oh how I wish my brain worked like that again), and also helped train other people off the clock that I saw them trying to do the same thing to. They also tried making me so miserable, I'd quit. They would stand watch and time me in the bathroom...lol...and dock it from my scheduled break time. When I lost that job, I was both relieved the battle was over, and proud that I didn't quit. I had legal grounds to sue, and one of the accountants told me he'd help me get a lawyer, but I was just so relieved at the thought of not having to look at them another day, that I just moved on...proud of myself for not quitting. The way the firing went down was they called me at home and told me that a "stop payment" had been ordered on a large check that went through. That was my job responsibility at the time. They told me to stay home for three days as a disciplinary action until they learned whether or not the bank was going to have to eat the cost, and whether or not I would be fired over it. When I returned to work to find out whether or not I had a job, I was fired for failure to show up for work without notifying them. I figured the stop payment issue was sabotage, and prayed that God would work it out. But I didn't see the absentee thing coming. I also learned later that there was no check that mistakenly went through. That battle went on for a little over a year. I went on to nursing school and don't think about it much. But it did a lot to my ability to trust people.
5. RAPE, SEXUAL MOLESTATION, BEING ASSULTED WITH A WEAPON, ROBBERY
A. Rape: I was stalked and raped in college. I didn't know I was stalked until during the rape when I asked him why me...and he said that I had hugged him at church. He had been following me for weeks waiting for an opportunity. I remember sensing I was being followed that night. I worked at MU helping a handicapped student with personal care. It was Christmas break and the building was locked. I tried to get inside the building by banging on the windows trying to get someone's attention. He pulled me down from the window sill...and I don't remember the rest. My only other memories are that afterwards, he came into the grocery store where I worked and came through the line at my register. I told my boss he was harrassing me and he was banned from the grocery store. He called my mother's house and left a phone number with her for me to call him. I took the phone number to the RA who knew what had happend and said he'd take care of it. He was able to locate him from the number. The RA told me that the rapist was married and had children...and raped me because he was on holiday break and was bored. I can't even remember if he was black or white. I put it behind me. I won't say it wasn't traumatic, but it's behind me. I don't hug males at church anymore unless it is someone I know and trust. During the part of the service where everyone is supposed to greet people they don't know, I feel scared and try to keep to myself. When people approach me to greet me or introduce themselves, I try to be polite and inwardly have an anxiety attack. I think it's rediculous to force people to greet strangers in one minute or less. I prefer to get to know people through classes where we can interact and get to know each other over a period of time so trust can develop. And I want to say this too... recently there was a man in my cell group that I did trust. I'd known him for many years...but we weren't close. He was telling me something that God had told him while he was praying that he thought was for me. I don't remember what the thing was, but he held my hands while he was telling me and looked straight into my eyes. It made me VERY uncomfortable and I told him so. I said, "Do you have to hold my hands while you tell me because it makes me VERY uncomfortable", and he told me yes and didn't let go of my hands. I got so sick I went outside and vomited. I couldn't go back to cell group for several months due to anxiety attacks. Later I played the whole thing down telling him that I was uncomfortable because my back hurt. I feel like I can go to groups on my own now, but for many months I felt that I had to have my friend Steve with me to feel safe. Steve went off to pray with someone else and I was alone. Another man (Pastor Keith) asked me how I managed to get off mom duty to get out of the house to come to cell group. I told him not to say anything but the reason I got out was because it was my birthday and my husband said I could do anything I wanted, and I wanted to go to cell group. The reason I didn't want him to say anything was because we were at a person's house to pray over it as the son was going to be coming home from prison...not there to celebrate my birthday. He announced across the room for everyone to hear, that it was my birthday. That hurt me deeply. He thought it was funny, but I don't trust him anymore...and he was someone I previously trusted. I distrust him as much as someone who raped me. My kids had wanted him to baptize them because they were scared and thought he would allow them to call the shots...like how private/public, whether or not they could wear goggles, etc. I don't want him anywhere near my kids and told them we will find someone else to baptize them. A bit over-reactive I suppose. But the trust is broken...a trust I valued. I'd tell him how I feel if I thought it mattered to him. He doesn't have time to listen or care.
B. Sexual molestation: This one hits closer to home and is not totally behind me. It has caused me to be very protective of my children. (but still not protective enough to keep my son from being molested). When I was very young...5 or 6 years old maybe. I was at K-Mart with my parents. They were looking at the cameras in the glass case...like the jewelry cases they have now. I was leaning with my back to the case. A stranger came up beside me and I started feeling the sensation of his hand in my pants and between my legs. I went into shock. I was terrified. I tried to walk between my parents and so he couldn't touch me again. He was following us. My parents scolded me for being too close to them. I felt totally abandoned by them. I wasn't able to articulate to them what was happening. I never did.
It happened again when I was about 10. This time I was at a drive in movie with my brother, 2 sisters, and 5 cousins. We were all piled into the front of the van so we could all see the movie. I was on my older cousin David's lap. It was a hot summer night and I was wearing shorts. I started feeling the sensation of his finger penetrating me. Again, I went into shock. I froze..was paralyzed. The thought that went through my head was that I had to be imagining it. He would never do that...it wasn't happening. Nothing was ever said. Nothing was ever done about it. I just never went anywhere with my cousin again. My grandfather has passed on and I have no reason to ever see him again. He didn't even come to my mother's funeral. I was relieved. This event was traumatic enough that it just erased the next memory I was going to write about. Ugh.
C. Being assulted with a weapon: I was married to Mike and living at his mother's house for a short time until we could find an apartment that would take our chows. Mike's brother Matt also lived there. I had just come in to get some water for the dogs and left the door open so I could carry the water back out without having to put it down to re-open the door. Mike's brother yelled to me to shut the door. I told him I'd get it in just a minute, as I was watering the dogs. The next thing I knew when I turned around from the kitchen sink, he had the barrell of his rifle touching my forhead. He said in a very strained almost demonic voice, " I-said-shut-the-door!" I don't have any memory after that, but I'm alive so he obviously didn't shoot me. Irene (I've already described her to you) said that never could have happened because Matt doesn't even own a gun...lol. I asked her to explain the bullet hole in his ceiling then...that was before I learned that it's better to just go along with her. I'm supposed to believe he's not on drugs either, even though he's growing pot in his bedroom. I told Irene I didn't think it was oregano. Live and learn. I try to stay away from there as much as possible, and have tried to keep my kids away from there. They are sick and twisted people and I don't want bad stuff to happen to my kids. I'm very stressed right now because Mike as made plans to go there Christmas Eve. I'm sick over it. He says it will be fine because Steve is going with us. Steve says he can run interferrance. Mike says nothing bad will happen with Steve there. I get so stressed out, I've actually considered suicide to keep from having to go...a stupid non-productive thought, I know...but yet, it occured to me. My more productive thoughts were to pray for peace and protection. Also, I've prayed that Mike would get called to work out of town so we could all go, and not have to see any family for the holidays. I can't watch everybody every minute while we are there. And sometimes even when I see what's happening, I feel powerless to do anything about it. It's during these types of visits that Philip has been getting molested. I never know what to expect from Matt...his behavior is very odd and unpredictable. I have every reason to believe he is on drugs, but it might be more than that. A neighbor who knew him growing up told me he used to kill her dogs during satanic rituals. They just creep me out and I don't want me or my kids to be around them. I was in group therapy with a girl who was involved in satanic rituals. Just listening to her stories were traumatizing as she was trying to figure out if she should tell the parents of a missing child that she knows what happened to their child, or if it would be better for them to never know. I've learned that satanic cults are very active in this area and I just don't want my kids around it. When Matt comes around my house (he came to steal our truck once), I just stay inside, lock the doors, and call my husband.
D. Robbery: Our house in Huntington was robbed while we were living in SC, and guess where I keep finding things that were once mine? You guessed it...at my mother-in-law's. I have chosen to ignore it. I don't care about the stuff...but I do care that she has such little respect for us. It makes me very angry, so I try not to think of it for too long...just toss those thoughts right out as soon as they come in. I think I did ask her once why she had my grandmother's jewely, and she told me that it's for Ashley when she gets older...she deserves it, she said, and she is going to make sure she gets it because she knows I won't. She stole the twin beds that go with our bedroom suit...that is aggrivating because I need them. She said she was going to lend them to her niece who needed them temporarily, and when I asked for them back, she told me I must have dreamt it...ugh. Her neice has no knowledge of it either. Back to the house robbery, my renter told me the house was robbed. My father has insurance on the house, but I didn't want to get him involved. I don't think it covers contents anyway...but it does cover renters. We just wrote it off in our heads, but then I started finding things that were supposedly stolen at my mother-in-law's house...my grandmother's antique rocking chair, her crystal, china, and jewelry. My mother-in-law says that during one of the floods, the renters (who were friends of ours) put everything outside and neighbors were just walking up and stealing it all. If I think about her too long I get discusted, confused, and feel sick. She said she was just keeping the neighbors from stealing it by taking it herself to keep it from getting stolen. She's convinced herself that it is hers legally because they called some govt. dept. who told them that everything had to be thown out that was contaminated by sewage in the flood waters. So, since it had to be thrown out, and since she wanted it, it's hers now. Whatever. She's a thief in my eyes...and a liar. Everything she says is a lie...that's why I get so confused around her. It drives me nuts. Mike was the same way when I met him...but God is good. He changes people who want to be changed. I do think there is hope for my mother-in-law. But I'd like to pray for her at a safe distance and let God do the work, not me.
Another robbery. There was someone in my parent's house once. I had been asleep on the couch, and could hear someone walking around upstairs. I went next door and called 911. The police came and found where someone had ransacked my parents' closet. They searched the house to make sure it was safe for me to re-enter and didn't find anyone. Wow, I have no memory of my parents blaming me...lol. That's a first. I can't remember them being there before or after. But I do remember that they kept their valuables in a drawer that wasn't touched. As far as they could tell, nothing was taken.
Another robbery. I was asleep in my bed in an apartment where I lived alone. I awoke to hear someone in the bathroom. I pretended I was asleep. He took my gold chain, some worthless jewelry, and a wothless oil painting I had brought back from Haiti. He never bothered me, and I was so relieved when the person left. I never got a good look, but had known my door was locked so I suspected it was someone connected with the landlord who had a key. I moved out after that.
A friend took me for $11,000. The only trauma about that is that my husband told me to let it go and not persue legal action. I had a contract that would have held up in court. I had no reason not to trust her. I had co-signed a loan for her for $6,000 to make her van handicap accessable, and had to make some of the paymnets myself when she ran into some financial trouble. She paid it back as she was able...so I trusted her to do the same. This time I leant her $13,000 to move to Maine. The contract stated that if she was unable to pay, that the property would become mine, or be sold to pay back what she owed me. Well, she paid back $2,000, then sold the property and moved with no forwarding address. The reason it is traumatic is because I feel like such a fool. I realized as I was helping her pack to leave that she was not taking responsibility for her house here. She was going to just abandon it and her mortgage. Something in my core told me that if this is who she had become, then I was next, but the paperwork was signed, the money had already been transferred, and I dismissed my gut feeling because I chose to trust that my friend would not do that to me. It also has caused problems in my marriage. Mike keeps telling me that I never should have lent her the money in the first place, that is why he's not permitting me to get it back...to learn a lesson about not listening to him. I will obey my husband, but I'm so frustrated. It was money I had earned and saved before we were married. I felt it was mine to do with as I felt God was leading me. Mike doesn't let me forget how wrong I was. I will always feel like I owe him $11,000 that I can't pay back. If I could get it back, I wouldn't feel like it's hanging over my head. It's been three years now. I'm sure my ex-friend doesn't still have it to get it back. I feel stressed because I can't make it right.
Now that I can't work, I feel stressed over every cent that is spent on my medical bills, my supplements, and even the homeschool curriculum (because other mom's can organize their own free curriculum from the library and the internet...and I'm just not able to organize well anymore). I absolutely hate feeling that I am a financial burden on my family. I hate myself for it and it's a major reason I struggle with suicide. I tell myself that if I were to killl myself, the insurance wouldn't pay for the funeral and I'd just be putting more of a financial burden on them, so it wouldn't solve the problem...lol. It works to deter that line of thinking. My main reason for not killing myself is that I believe God is in control and has a purpose for me being here or I wouldn't still be here. It's up to him when my time is. But sometimes I do things like not go to the doctor, or quit taking my supplements because I just can't cope with the guilt of spending Mike's money on me. I want/need a job...but lately all my applications have been turned down. That's not ever happened before. I must not be interviewing well because I know people are desperate for holiday help. It must be very appearant to others now that I'm mentally ill. I've not worked since Olivia was born...that's been two years. One girl from church even told me that she's always wondered how I can afford a new van when I don't work. It hurts. The van isn't new, and God has blessed us through my brother who gave us his vehicle for a trade in. Also, up until this year it was a full time job homeschooling the kids, keeping up with the baby, and the house....and I worked midnight shifts on top of it when I was pregnant...perhaps that is how my adrenals shut down in the first place. The Bible says if you don't work, you shouldn't eat. That thought runs through my head constantly. I feel that I don't deserve medical care, medication, supplements, or food because I don't work...and because I threw $11,000 to the wind.
Now, I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself. I tried working at the school, but I couldn't do the job becasue of the chemical exposures. My adrenals crashed again and my doctor said to expect it to take from 6 months to two years for them to recover. I'm taking cortizone to be able to function. I don't want to give myself unnesesary stress or chemical exposures. This is supposed to be a time of rest to give them a chance to heal. Just doing the grocery shopping causes me to become very dizzy and confused. For six months, I wasn't even allowed to exercise, but now I'm allowed to walk, and love doing it. I put the baby in a backcarrier and take her with me. But feeling guilty every day just for existing isn't rest. I need a paying job to make the guilt go away.
And the school lied to me...said it had been approved that they'd pay me $10 a day. Week three rolled around with no paycheck, so I asked and was told it hadn't been approved. I became angry because of their lie, I was in debt $90 to my babysitter. I had only made our financial situation worse by working. Plus I had to buy clothes as they required I follow their dress code. I did it for a few more weeks knowing I wasn't going to be paid until I just couldn't physically do it anymore, and quit. I face them everyday I drop the kids off and pick them up. Mike told me not to say anything because whatever waves I cause will affect the kids. He told me to deal with it and forgive them. Lynette reminds me of my mother-in-law. She walked all over me and verbally abuses the kids while I would stand by feeling powerless and watch. I'm glad to not be there anymore, but feel I should do something, say something so that she will not keep thinking it's ok. Maybe I never understood what my position was there. I was surprised to not be invited to the teacher meetings. How was I supposed to tutor the kids when I didn't know the teachers and what they were expecting of the kids? All the other kids I ever tutored, I met with their instructors and parents. We put together a plan with everyone's input. At the school, the kids were telling me that they didn't need my help, didn't have any assignments to work on, etc. What am I supposed to do? I don't have diagnostic tests. I thought they'd tell me what needs done. Also, I had between 16 and 23 kids at one time. How could I possibly tutor any of them. My time was spent doing crowd control...which I think I would have been more effective at if Lynette hadn't kept undermining me in front of the kids. It was rediculous. I wanted it to work, but didn't see how it possibly could. I told Larry I needed someone to go to with problems. Lynnette was that person, but she was also the problem. I learned from my first conversation with her that she wasn't interested in anything I had to say. Anyhow, it's over. I need to look for a new job. One I'm capable of doing, and one that pays something, even if it is very little.
Well, that's all I have to say about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
But I'm looking at the explanation of PTSD and can see a rightful place for the dx in my life. It is not the direct cause of my chemical and stress sensitivities, but there have certainly been traumatic events in my life that resurface over and over and over again. I've referred to it as obsessing. I've tried to move forward and not obsess...to focus on what is, not what was. To forgive, let go, put what I cannot control into God's hands. I feel led to make a list of the events the definition says should have been traumatic (but that don't play a significant role as far as I can tell in my life/mind right now). And then I want to make a list of my unique big stressors that I think others wouldn't have a problem with at all. I'll then give the list to my counselor if she thinks she would find it useful in helping me think more clearly and have a healthier perspective and expectations.
Here's the list I found online that I'm going by:
Kinds of traumatic events People with PTSD most often experience one or more of these four types of traumatic events:
Seeing someone being killed or badly injured
Living through a fire, flood or natural disaster
Living through a life-threatening accident
Having been in combat
But many other traumatic events also can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder, including rape, mugging, robbery, assault, civil conflict, car accident, plane crash, torture, kidnapping, life-threatening medical diagnosis, childhood physical abuse or neglect, sexual molestation, being threatened with a weapon, terrorist attacks, and other extreme or life-threatening events.
Traumatic Events defined by others:
#1 SEEING SOMEONE BEING KILLED OR BADLY INJURED:
A. I used to work in ER...I've seen a LOT of tragedy....people shot up, two daughters dying the same night from a car wreck (very traumatic day). I probably did have PTSD for a short time after that one. The grief I witnessed from the mother was the most disturbing part. I also had a difficult time dealing with the callousness of the medical personnel. I guess over time they become calloused to survive the daily trauma. When I worked in oncology and intensive care, it was much easier. Death was not such a shock, and was welcomed by some.
B. I was first to arrive at the scene of a man thrown from his motorcycle near where we lived in LeSage. He did not have a helmet on and his head hit the railroad track. I did not find this as stressful as others because he was not in pain and there was nothing that I needed to do other than call 911. I didn't witness any family grieving...but felt it so tragic for someone to be alive one moment probably with dreams and plans, and be gone the next instant. He had used poor judgement making a left hand turn without looking, and not wearing a helmet. I hurt for the person who hit his cycle...since this same thing happened to my brother and I was aware of what legalities and emotions may be plaguing the other driver. But it wasn't my guilt. I wasn't to blame and I was there to help. That is why it didn't stress me.
C. I was at my mother's bedside when she died. I took care of her for six months while she battled colon cancer. It was one of the most peaceful times of my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. At the moment of her passing, I hurt for my dad though. We were always taught not to show emotion. He wailed, and I figured his pain had to be very extreme for him to do that. I feel other people's pain...always have. Sometimes I feel it more intensely than they do...lol. My brother and sisters stuffed back any emotion as I did. It was a very awkward moment. My brother and I handled it with humor. I remember the jokes we told as he was getting a haircut for the funeral. I'm sure the barber thought we were nuts. He was probably right.
I mentioned in counseling that I'm relieved my mother is gone. I felt guilty about that for a while (10 years maybe). I talked to my brother about it. It took him a very long time to ever grieve her loss as well. I'm not glad that she suffered. But I am glad that she is with Christ (I know she is), I'm glad for those months we had together prior to her death that were very different than our usual role of parent and child. I'm glad that death brought a relief of suffering for her. God was merciful. By the time of her passing, she was ready. I also had a two week old baby which was comforting to have a new life come as another life passed.
My mother didn't approve of my choice for a church, a husband, my choice of a career, the place I lived, etc, etc. etc. I was always a disappointment to her. She wanted me to be Catholic instead of Pentecostal. When she learned after the fact that I had gone to Haiti on a mission trip, she told me she'd rather I'd stuck my head in a toilet. She thought I should have studied to become a doctor instead of a nurse, but yet when she needed nursing care, I was prepared to help her. That made me feel that perhaps she could see my life wasn't a total waste...lol. She didn't want me to have children before I finished college. I didn't finish college due to mental illness, but yet had children anyway. She hated my mother-in-law who was very disrespectful to her (she is to everybody), and I didn't look forward to the stress and battles that lie ahead. My mother had not been a big part of my life since I left home at age 16. And I knew having a child might change that. I feared not being able to cope with having a closer relationship with her. At times though I wonder how she might have changed over the decades and what type of relationship we might have now if she were still here, but God is in control not me...and what is...is. I long for a mentor in my life. I feel that a large part of my immaturity is from not having anyone in my life as a mentor.
D. OK...here is another one I found stressful. There was a lady in the ER, the doctor was foreign...from India I think. He cut her open right there in the ER without her being anaesthetised to drain the fluid from her lungs. He was cutting through her rib while she was screaming. He was telling her to suck it up...and she was cussing him. I was standing there observing, trying not to pass out. Someone told me that's just the way it is with these foreign doctors. They don't use anesthesia in their countries. But we are in America. That just wasn't right. It wasn't necessary. She didn't die. But that image of me standing by doing nothing, helpless to help her as I was trying to keep myself from passing out was the source of many nightmares.
#2 LIVING THROUGH A FIRE, FLOOD, OR NATURAL DISASTER:
A.. Hmmm. Floods are just a part of our lives. We've lost antique furniture, cars, riding mowers, have to deal with disinfecting mold/mildew/human waste. We can't get flood insurance because we live in a flood zone. No big deal..it's just stuff. We know the risks, we know the routine. We save what we can. When exhaustion sets in, we let the rest go. My step mom called once to see how I was doing. I was ill and just didn't care. The kids and I were safe. We shut the power off, took the necessities up to the second floor and were just waiting it out. My step mom called the national guard to come get us...lol. That was comical. They 'saved' a reporter who had climbed aboard their monster tank to keep his equipment from going under water, but I didn't see the sense in it for us...and apparently neither did the other residents. I told the rescuer that we didn't need rescued, the water was already going down. He told me he couldn't guarantee that it would continue to go down. It was silliness. But the good thing about it is that I was very touched that my step mother cared enough to do something to help us. That touched me in a positive way. Perhaps the flooding would be more traumatic if we feared losing our lives, but the flood levels are controlled. It only gets so high before the city turns on some sort of pumps.
B. I used to have recurring night terrors about our home being washed away when we lived on the Ohio River. We had to be rescued by canoes. It was before we had children. Those night terrors were traumatic. But real life flooding has not been. It's just an overwhelming task of getting everything back to order afterwards.
C. We lived through a hurricane in Myrtle Beach, SC. Our town was evacuated. We stayed because Mike was emergency personnel. We stayed with him at the electric company because we had nowhere else to go. We were not close to any family at the time. I found it adventurous. We were huddled in the phone room with the ceiling tiles flapping due to the high winds. I had peace knowing God is in control. The only stressful part was that I sensed Mike was embarrassed to have us with the people he worked with. I choose not to visit that issue in my mind. It's over, it's past, and he is different now. It was stressful at the time to feel like an embarrassment to him, but he is a very proud husband and father now, and we are friends with many people he currently works with. When we returned to our home, it was amazing that many homes around us were destroyed by either wind or flooding or both, and ours was untouched. God is good.
#3 LIVING THROUGH A LIFE-THREATENING ACCIDENT
A. I'm racking my brain trying to think of the accident's I've been in. The most stressful ones are when I'm driving my parent's car...just a fender benders...but the trauma of facing them. I don't suppose that falls under the category of life-threatening though, so I'll move on.
B. A car was coming toward me on the wrong side of the road. I had to drive off the road to avoid it, and we passed without incidence. But as I tried to come back on to the road, I lost control of the car and the car rolled down a hill. I was pregnant at the time and wasn't wearing a seat belt because of the way it hit my belly and I had read that the risk would be higher to the baby. So, I braced myself with my hands on the ceiling and stayed in place. The windshield shattered and I had a few minor cuts. Other than that, I had pulled muscles in my shoulders and back. I crawled out through the broken passenger window feeling so thankful to be alive and thankful that I had cleaned my car out the day before...especially that bowling ball...lol. A nearby resident called 911 and came to see if I was ok. He said he was so surprised and relieved to see me crawling out, but became very concerned when he saw I was pregnant. Ashley was fine too. The car was totalled, but I had bought and paid for it myself. I didn't have anyone else to answer to...and that's why it wasn't stressful.
C. I was a passenger in a car that caught fire. I jumped out while it was still moving. My body hair and eyelashes were singed by the flames that came in when I opened the door, but I wasn't burned. I scraped my knee and bruised by elbow from falling on the pavement, but I was ok. The driver was ok too. He waited longer to get out and was burned more. The car didn't explode or anything like in the movies. The fire dept. came and put the fire out. The entire dashboard was melted. I was in college at the time, and my journal required for English class was burned, along with a few of my text books that were replaceable. I think the most stressful part was my English professor not believing me because I didn't go to the hospital. Did he think I'd burn my eyelashes off myself LOL just to have an excuse not have to turn my journal in? I didn't go to the hospital because I wasn't injured. I hate for people not to believe me...as if by them not believing me, it invalidates me somehow. I thought about trying to re-create my journal, but didn't...and took the bad grade...bad grades were traumatic for me.
#4 HAVING BEEN IN COMBAT
A. The only combat I've been in is with my mother-in-law. She tried to take custody of my first two children. Until I met her, I'd never encountered anyone like her...and was in total shock of the carefully laid plans, the lies weaved, the witnesses she is able to produce for things that never happened. She is a woman who doesn't take no for an answer and will go to any length to get what she wants. Yes, even murder...she has killed animals to get revenge on neighbors, and told me if she killed my father-in-law, nobody would ever know. I knew...and I'm not nobody. The daily battle with her went on for three years until I left town with my kids with no forwarding address intending to never return. My father-in-law was a very kind-hearted man who lived with us for a time. They were separated, and we came back to Huntington when we learned he was ill for Mike to build a relationship with him, and for me to find a doctor to treat me who had known me before I started experiencing personality changes. I also thought perhaps my memory might function better if I were in a place and around people I was familiar with. We moved back here, intending to stay only until my father-in-law passed. The battle with my mother-in-law of manipulation, control, and overstepping boundaries started again. I told her if she keeps it up, I am going to take the kids, leave again, and never return. She knows I mean it and backs off, so that is the card I play every time it gets out of hand. I recently learned that my nephew who she is raising (yes, she went for custody of other children too, and caused another woman to lose custody of her children in an attempt to get them for herself) molested my son. I feel sick inside...very sick inside...anger and nausea. Now that my mother-in-law has custody of my nephew, she is more obsessed with him than she is with my children. I see it as a blessing, but pray for him daily. And she did try to kill my father-in-law by not giving him food or water when he was too ill to take care of himself. Why he trusted her to take care of him, I'll never understand. A family friend and I ended up taking care of him until his natural end came after I heard her tell the hospice worker she wasn't feeding him because he couldn't swallow and I knew he could. Mike's uncles gained a new respect for me...enough to mention to me that they no-longer believe the lies that Mike's mom told them about me. It is the start of new relationships, but I still feel a lot of anxiety around them all. I go to the family reunions so they can see the kids, but don't see them other than that and at funerals. I see Mike's mom weekly as she visits he kids under my supervision, and I don't answer phone calls from her except on that day. It's all I can handle and still be able to keep focused with the things God has called me to. And now that I've learned of the repeated molestation, I'm not sure how to handle it. I know cutting off her Friday visits with the kids will start another war. Also, doing anything other than pretending that my nephew is an absolute saint will start a war. He is so out of control...and this is her typical response: He tripped my daughter causing her to tear her tights and there was blood running down her leg. My daughter says, "Warren tripped me and I'm hurt and bleeding." My mother-in-law says," he did NOT trip you, I saw the whole thing, you are not hurt, and there is no blood." While we are all sitting there looking at the blood, we are supposed to pretend it's not there and believe what she says because she said it. It's totally insane. I was afraid to take my daughter to the bathroom to clean her leg. I caught Warren once holding a knife to Philip's throat when he was about 3 years old. He also nearly drowned him in the bathtub by holding his head underwater. He pinches my other daughter under the water at the swimming pool. And I listen to my mother-in-laws stories every week about how Warren is such a passive child, will avoid confrontation at costs, everybody picks on him for no reason, etc. etc. etc. I just want to throw up. Warren is 11 now, and approaching puberty. Everything in me says to cut off all ties before things get worse. I want to leave the area because she stalks us periodically...showing up everywhere we go saying she can see her grand kids in public anytime she wants. I fear both the war that will start if I cut off contact, and what may happen to my children once Warren's testosterone levels increase during puberty. I don't want them to know where we live. I don't want to have to deal with this on a daily basis. The truth is that we do not have the money to move, nor do we want to leave Mike's job or our church. My threat to leave town with the kids is an empty threat.
B. I sensed that when I worked at 20th Street Bank, that they were wanting to fire me, but didn't have legal grounds. The reason I believe now looking back at the people they chose to do this to, is that they felt their jobs were threatened by anyone who would come to work that had more than half a brain. Anyhow, it was a battle of sorts. They were trying to trip me up to have reason to fire me...putting me in positions without adequate training so I'd make a mistake and they could fire me. When that didn't work, they would undermine my work by misfiling checks I had already filed. I stayed one step ahead of them (oh how I wish my brain worked like that again), and also helped train other people off the clock that I saw them trying to do the same thing to. They also tried making me so miserable, I'd quit. They would stand watch and time me in the bathroom...lol...and dock it from my scheduled break time. When I lost that job, I was both relieved the battle was over, and proud that I didn't quit. I had legal grounds to sue, and one of the accountants told me he'd help me get a lawyer, but I was just so relieved at the thought of not having to look at them another day, that I just moved on...proud of myself for not quitting. The way the firing went down was they called me at home and told me that a "stop payment" had been ordered on a large check that went through. That was my job responsibility at the time. They told me to stay home for three days as a disciplinary action until they learned whether or not the bank was going to have to eat the cost, and whether or not I would be fired over it. When I returned to work to find out whether or not I had a job, I was fired for failure to show up for work without notifying them. I figured the stop payment issue was sabotage, and prayed that God would work it out. But I didn't see the absentee thing coming. I also learned later that there was no check that mistakenly went through. That battle went on for a little over a year. I went on to nursing school and don't think about it much. But it did a lot to my ability to trust people.
5. RAPE, SEXUAL MOLESTATION, BEING ASSULTED WITH A WEAPON, ROBBERY
A. Rape: I was stalked and raped in college. I didn't know I was stalked until during the rape when I asked him why me...and he said that I had hugged him at church. He had been following me for weeks waiting for an opportunity. I remember sensing I was being followed that night. I worked at MU helping a handicapped student with personal care. It was Christmas break and the building was locked. I tried to get inside the building by banging on the windows trying to get someone's attention. He pulled me down from the window sill...and I don't remember the rest. My only other memories are that afterwards, he came into the grocery store where I worked and came through the line at my register. I told my boss he was harrassing me and he was banned from the grocery store. He called my mother's house and left a phone number with her for me to call him. I took the phone number to the RA who knew what had happend and said he'd take care of it. He was able to locate him from the number. The RA told me that the rapist was married and had children...and raped me because he was on holiday break and was bored. I can't even remember if he was black or white. I put it behind me. I won't say it wasn't traumatic, but it's behind me. I don't hug males at church anymore unless it is someone I know and trust. During the part of the service where everyone is supposed to greet people they don't know, I feel scared and try to keep to myself. When people approach me to greet me or introduce themselves, I try to be polite and inwardly have an anxiety attack. I think it's rediculous to force people to greet strangers in one minute or less. I prefer to get to know people through classes where we can interact and get to know each other over a period of time so trust can develop. And I want to say this too... recently there was a man in my cell group that I did trust. I'd known him for many years...but we weren't close. He was telling me something that God had told him while he was praying that he thought was for me. I don't remember what the thing was, but he held my hands while he was telling me and looked straight into my eyes. It made me VERY uncomfortable and I told him so. I said, "Do you have to hold my hands while you tell me because it makes me VERY uncomfortable", and he told me yes and didn't let go of my hands. I got so sick I went outside and vomited. I couldn't go back to cell group for several months due to anxiety attacks. Later I played the whole thing down telling him that I was uncomfortable because my back hurt. I feel like I can go to groups on my own now, but for many months I felt that I had to have my friend Steve with me to feel safe. Steve went off to pray with someone else and I was alone. Another man (Pastor Keith) asked me how I managed to get off mom duty to get out of the house to come to cell group. I told him not to say anything but the reason I got out was because it was my birthday and my husband said I could do anything I wanted, and I wanted to go to cell group. The reason I didn't want him to say anything was because we were at a person's house to pray over it as the son was going to be coming home from prison...not there to celebrate my birthday. He announced across the room for everyone to hear, that it was my birthday. That hurt me deeply. He thought it was funny, but I don't trust him anymore...and he was someone I previously trusted. I distrust him as much as someone who raped me. My kids had wanted him to baptize them because they were scared and thought he would allow them to call the shots...like how private/public, whether or not they could wear goggles, etc. I don't want him anywhere near my kids and told them we will find someone else to baptize them. A bit over-reactive I suppose. But the trust is broken...a trust I valued. I'd tell him how I feel if I thought it mattered to him. He doesn't have time to listen or care.
B. Sexual molestation: This one hits closer to home and is not totally behind me. It has caused me to be very protective of my children. (but still not protective enough to keep my son from being molested). When I was very young...5 or 6 years old maybe. I was at K-Mart with my parents. They were looking at the cameras in the glass case...like the jewelry cases they have now. I was leaning with my back to the case. A stranger came up beside me and I started feeling the sensation of his hand in my pants and between my legs. I went into shock. I was terrified. I tried to walk between my parents and so he couldn't touch me again. He was following us. My parents scolded me for being too close to them. I felt totally abandoned by them. I wasn't able to articulate to them what was happening. I never did.
It happened again when I was about 10. This time I was at a drive in movie with my brother, 2 sisters, and 5 cousins. We were all piled into the front of the van so we could all see the movie. I was on my older cousin David's lap. It was a hot summer night and I was wearing shorts. I started feeling the sensation of his finger penetrating me. Again, I went into shock. I froze..was paralyzed. The thought that went through my head was that I had to be imagining it. He would never do that...it wasn't happening. Nothing was ever said. Nothing was ever done about it. I just never went anywhere with my cousin again. My grandfather has passed on and I have no reason to ever see him again. He didn't even come to my mother's funeral. I was relieved. This event was traumatic enough that it just erased the next memory I was going to write about. Ugh.
C. Being assulted with a weapon: I was married to Mike and living at his mother's house for a short time until we could find an apartment that would take our chows. Mike's brother Matt also lived there. I had just come in to get some water for the dogs and left the door open so I could carry the water back out without having to put it down to re-open the door. Mike's brother yelled to me to shut the door. I told him I'd get it in just a minute, as I was watering the dogs. The next thing I knew when I turned around from the kitchen sink, he had the barrell of his rifle touching my forhead. He said in a very strained almost demonic voice, " I-said-shut-the-door!" I don't have any memory after that, but I'm alive so he obviously didn't shoot me. Irene (I've already described her to you) said that never could have happened because Matt doesn't even own a gun...lol. I asked her to explain the bullet hole in his ceiling then...that was before I learned that it's better to just go along with her. I'm supposed to believe he's not on drugs either, even though he's growing pot in his bedroom. I told Irene I didn't think it was oregano. Live and learn. I try to stay away from there as much as possible, and have tried to keep my kids away from there. They are sick and twisted people and I don't want bad stuff to happen to my kids. I'm very stressed right now because Mike as made plans to go there Christmas Eve. I'm sick over it. He says it will be fine because Steve is going with us. Steve says he can run interferrance. Mike says nothing bad will happen with Steve there. I get so stressed out, I've actually considered suicide to keep from having to go...a stupid non-productive thought, I know...but yet, it occured to me. My more productive thoughts were to pray for peace and protection. Also, I've prayed that Mike would get called to work out of town so we could all go, and not have to see any family for the holidays. I can't watch everybody every minute while we are there. And sometimes even when I see what's happening, I feel powerless to do anything about it. It's during these types of visits that Philip has been getting molested. I never know what to expect from Matt...his behavior is very odd and unpredictable. I have every reason to believe he is on drugs, but it might be more than that. A neighbor who knew him growing up told me he used to kill her dogs during satanic rituals. They just creep me out and I don't want me or my kids to be around them. I was in group therapy with a girl who was involved in satanic rituals. Just listening to her stories were traumatizing as she was trying to figure out if she should tell the parents of a missing child that she knows what happened to their child, or if it would be better for them to never know. I've learned that satanic cults are very active in this area and I just don't want my kids around it. When Matt comes around my house (he came to steal our truck once), I just stay inside, lock the doors, and call my husband.
D. Robbery: Our house in Huntington was robbed while we were living in SC, and guess where I keep finding things that were once mine? You guessed it...at my mother-in-law's. I have chosen to ignore it. I don't care about the stuff...but I do care that she has such little respect for us. It makes me very angry, so I try not to think of it for too long...just toss those thoughts right out as soon as they come in. I think I did ask her once why she had my grandmother's jewely, and she told me that it's for Ashley when she gets older...she deserves it, she said, and she is going to make sure she gets it because she knows I won't. She stole the twin beds that go with our bedroom suit...that is aggrivating because I need them. She said she was going to lend them to her niece who needed them temporarily, and when I asked for them back, she told me I must have dreamt it...ugh. Her neice has no knowledge of it either. Back to the house robbery, my renter told me the house was robbed. My father has insurance on the house, but I didn't want to get him involved. I don't think it covers contents anyway...but it does cover renters. We just wrote it off in our heads, but then I started finding things that were supposedly stolen at my mother-in-law's house...my grandmother's antique rocking chair, her crystal, china, and jewelry. My mother-in-law says that during one of the floods, the renters (who were friends of ours) put everything outside and neighbors were just walking up and stealing it all. If I think about her too long I get discusted, confused, and feel sick. She said she was just keeping the neighbors from stealing it by taking it herself to keep it from getting stolen. She's convinced herself that it is hers legally because they called some govt. dept. who told them that everything had to be thown out that was contaminated by sewage in the flood waters. So, since it had to be thrown out, and since she wanted it, it's hers now. Whatever. She's a thief in my eyes...and a liar. Everything she says is a lie...that's why I get so confused around her. It drives me nuts. Mike was the same way when I met him...but God is good. He changes people who want to be changed. I do think there is hope for my mother-in-law. But I'd like to pray for her at a safe distance and let God do the work, not me.
Another robbery. There was someone in my parent's house once. I had been asleep on the couch, and could hear someone walking around upstairs. I went next door and called 911. The police came and found where someone had ransacked my parents' closet. They searched the house to make sure it was safe for me to re-enter and didn't find anyone. Wow, I have no memory of my parents blaming me...lol. That's a first. I can't remember them being there before or after. But I do remember that they kept their valuables in a drawer that wasn't touched. As far as they could tell, nothing was taken.
Another robbery. I was asleep in my bed in an apartment where I lived alone. I awoke to hear someone in the bathroom. I pretended I was asleep. He took my gold chain, some worthless jewelry, and a wothless oil painting I had brought back from Haiti. He never bothered me, and I was so relieved when the person left. I never got a good look, but had known my door was locked so I suspected it was someone connected with the landlord who had a key. I moved out after that.
A friend took me for $11,000. The only trauma about that is that my husband told me to let it go and not persue legal action. I had a contract that would have held up in court. I had no reason not to trust her. I had co-signed a loan for her for $6,000 to make her van handicap accessable, and had to make some of the paymnets myself when she ran into some financial trouble. She paid it back as she was able...so I trusted her to do the same. This time I leant her $13,000 to move to Maine. The contract stated that if she was unable to pay, that the property would become mine, or be sold to pay back what she owed me. Well, she paid back $2,000, then sold the property and moved with no forwarding address. The reason it is traumatic is because I feel like such a fool. I realized as I was helping her pack to leave that she was not taking responsibility for her house here. She was going to just abandon it and her mortgage. Something in my core told me that if this is who she had become, then I was next, but the paperwork was signed, the money had already been transferred, and I dismissed my gut feeling because I chose to trust that my friend would not do that to me. It also has caused problems in my marriage. Mike keeps telling me that I never should have lent her the money in the first place, that is why he's not permitting me to get it back...to learn a lesson about not listening to him. I will obey my husband, but I'm so frustrated. It was money I had earned and saved before we were married. I felt it was mine to do with as I felt God was leading me. Mike doesn't let me forget how wrong I was. I will always feel like I owe him $11,000 that I can't pay back. If I could get it back, I wouldn't feel like it's hanging over my head. It's been three years now. I'm sure my ex-friend doesn't still have it to get it back. I feel stressed because I can't make it right.
Now that I can't work, I feel stressed over every cent that is spent on my medical bills, my supplements, and even the homeschool curriculum (because other mom's can organize their own free curriculum from the library and the internet...and I'm just not able to organize well anymore). I absolutely hate feeling that I am a financial burden on my family. I hate myself for it and it's a major reason I struggle with suicide. I tell myself that if I were to killl myself, the insurance wouldn't pay for the funeral and I'd just be putting more of a financial burden on them, so it wouldn't solve the problem...lol. It works to deter that line of thinking. My main reason for not killing myself is that I believe God is in control and has a purpose for me being here or I wouldn't still be here. It's up to him when my time is. But sometimes I do things like not go to the doctor, or quit taking my supplements because I just can't cope with the guilt of spending Mike's money on me. I want/need a job...but lately all my applications have been turned down. That's not ever happened before. I must not be interviewing well because I know people are desperate for holiday help. It must be very appearant to others now that I'm mentally ill. I've not worked since Olivia was born...that's been two years. One girl from church even told me that she's always wondered how I can afford a new van when I don't work. It hurts. The van isn't new, and God has blessed us through my brother who gave us his vehicle for a trade in. Also, up until this year it was a full time job homeschooling the kids, keeping up with the baby, and the house....and I worked midnight shifts on top of it when I was pregnant...perhaps that is how my adrenals shut down in the first place. The Bible says if you don't work, you shouldn't eat. That thought runs through my head constantly. I feel that I don't deserve medical care, medication, supplements, or food because I don't work...and because I threw $11,000 to the wind.
Now, I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself. I tried working at the school, but I couldn't do the job becasue of the chemical exposures. My adrenals crashed again and my doctor said to expect it to take from 6 months to two years for them to recover. I'm taking cortizone to be able to function. I don't want to give myself unnesesary stress or chemical exposures. This is supposed to be a time of rest to give them a chance to heal. Just doing the grocery shopping causes me to become very dizzy and confused. For six months, I wasn't even allowed to exercise, but now I'm allowed to walk, and love doing it. I put the baby in a backcarrier and take her with me. But feeling guilty every day just for existing isn't rest. I need a paying job to make the guilt go away.
And the school lied to me...said it had been approved that they'd pay me $10 a day. Week three rolled around with no paycheck, so I asked and was told it hadn't been approved. I became angry because of their lie, I was in debt $90 to my babysitter. I had only made our financial situation worse by working. Plus I had to buy clothes as they required I follow their dress code. I did it for a few more weeks knowing I wasn't going to be paid until I just couldn't physically do it anymore, and quit. I face them everyday I drop the kids off and pick them up. Mike told me not to say anything because whatever waves I cause will affect the kids. He told me to deal with it and forgive them. Lynette reminds me of my mother-in-law. She walked all over me and verbally abuses the kids while I would stand by feeling powerless and watch. I'm glad to not be there anymore, but feel I should do something, say something so that she will not keep thinking it's ok. Maybe I never understood what my position was there. I was surprised to not be invited to the teacher meetings. How was I supposed to tutor the kids when I didn't know the teachers and what they were expecting of the kids? All the other kids I ever tutored, I met with their instructors and parents. We put together a plan with everyone's input. At the school, the kids were telling me that they didn't need my help, didn't have any assignments to work on, etc. What am I supposed to do? I don't have diagnostic tests. I thought they'd tell me what needs done. Also, I had between 16 and 23 kids at one time. How could I possibly tutor any of them. My time was spent doing crowd control...which I think I would have been more effective at if Lynette hadn't kept undermining me in front of the kids. It was rediculous. I wanted it to work, but didn't see how it possibly could. I told Larry I needed someone to go to with problems. Lynnette was that person, but she was also the problem. I learned from my first conversation with her that she wasn't interested in anything I had to say. Anyhow, it's over. I need to look for a new job. One I'm capable of doing, and one that pays something, even if it is very little.
Well, that's all I have to say about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Need Relief from Confusion...please pray
I'm having a very challenging day...
Challenging because my mind is being bombarded with negative thoughts.
Thoughts of failure in doing everything possible to raise my children to know, love, and serve God.
Thoughts of tons of things that maybe I should be doing and am not doing.
Confusion about whether or not the financial investment in my mental health is worth it.
What part am I to play? Is it laziness or wisdom to leave it all to God?
I can't figure it all out. It's overwhelming. I'm not God. I don't know what my body/mind needs...and doctors don't know either. I keep throwing money down the drain hoping they will be able to fix me. I don't know if that is wise or wasteful. I'm so confused. I spend a lot of time researching and money experimenting on myself. Would that time be better spent in prayer and trusting God to fix me? Or is that slacking?
I hurt all over. I'm exhausted. My husband is frustrated with me as usual. I need God's intervention. Whether I've messed up somehow (by eating samples at Sam's, or not lying down early enough last night), I need to know what to do different. Or I need to know that I should just wait on Him and do nothing. Confusion is so...well, confusing!!! LOL. It's a form of torment.
Happiness for me is working toward a goal. When I'm confused about what the goal is or how to get there, I'm in torment. When I know the goal and am not able to get there, I'm in torment. Oh how I need God to intervene!!!! I need order, I need direction. I need to not be so confused.
My brother went on Ritalin recently with seemingly great results. It makes me want to try the same. Is that the solution? Is that a cop-out? Is it short-term relief causing long-term destruction? I need God to lead me. The last time I asked my pastor to pray with me for God to lead me in an area I was confused about, he told me to quit asking God to do things for me that I can do myself. I wish he would take the time to explain what exactly he meant so that his words would quit torturing me. I'm asking God for help anyway...He's big enough to determine if He wants to help me or not. It doesn't hurt to ask...or does it?
This doesn't happen to me all the time, but when it does, I'm like a fish flopping around out of the water trying desperately to get back to the water where everyhing makes sense. I need an ordered job description each day that is do-able. I can't cope with mind games. I need relief from the confusion. I need to know what I need and how to obtain it.
Challenging because my mind is being bombarded with negative thoughts.
Thoughts of failure in doing everything possible to raise my children to know, love, and serve God.
Thoughts of tons of things that maybe I should be doing and am not doing.
Confusion about whether or not the financial investment in my mental health is worth it.
What part am I to play? Is it laziness or wisdom to leave it all to God?
I can't figure it all out. It's overwhelming. I'm not God. I don't know what my body/mind needs...and doctors don't know either. I keep throwing money down the drain hoping they will be able to fix me. I don't know if that is wise or wasteful. I'm so confused. I spend a lot of time researching and money experimenting on myself. Would that time be better spent in prayer and trusting God to fix me? Or is that slacking?
I hurt all over. I'm exhausted. My husband is frustrated with me as usual. I need God's intervention. Whether I've messed up somehow (by eating samples at Sam's, or not lying down early enough last night), I need to know what to do different. Or I need to know that I should just wait on Him and do nothing. Confusion is so...well, confusing!!! LOL. It's a form of torment.
Happiness for me is working toward a goal. When I'm confused about what the goal is or how to get there, I'm in torment. When I know the goal and am not able to get there, I'm in torment. Oh how I need God to intervene!!!! I need order, I need direction. I need to not be so confused.
My brother went on Ritalin recently with seemingly great results. It makes me want to try the same. Is that the solution? Is that a cop-out? Is it short-term relief causing long-term destruction? I need God to lead me. The last time I asked my pastor to pray with me for God to lead me in an area I was confused about, he told me to quit asking God to do things for me that I can do myself. I wish he would take the time to explain what exactly he meant so that his words would quit torturing me. I'm asking God for help anyway...He's big enough to determine if He wants to help me or not. It doesn't hurt to ask...or does it?
This doesn't happen to me all the time, but when it does, I'm like a fish flopping around out of the water trying desperately to get back to the water where everyhing makes sense. I need an ordered job description each day that is do-able. I can't cope with mind games. I need relief from the confusion. I need to know what I need and how to obtain it.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Gratitude Journal November 17, 2007
1. Ashley and Philip both trusted me enough this week to tell me about some emotionally sensitive very private things going on in their lives. One of my goals as a parent has been to build the type of relationship that they can feel comfortable telling me anything. I'm very grateful to see that goal coming to fruition.
2. I bought one of those microfiber cloths that people have been raving about at the dollar store. I have been having the best time blessing my home. This cloth is amazing...it even cleaned my windows with no streaking, no chemicals, and no need to buff. Once I got started with it, I just couldn't stop. Some people get excited about shopping. I get excited about cleaning. Before I became ill, it was such a passion that I cleaned several homes a week just for the exercise and fun of it. Today I am grateful to have a day I feel well enough to clean...and that this cloth makes it so much easier.
3. The kids had company over last night. Our guest was delightful as usual. I'm very grateful for our friends. Some friends who moved away earlier this year will be visiting overnight this Friday. We are looking forward to it.
4. I found a bed for Philip today at an estate sale today. I may have mentioned that he is 10 years old and still sleeping in his toddler bed...God is answering prayer. I'm not quite sure how we are going to get the bed to fit into the room, but we'll keep working on that.
5. We went shopping today for groceries, and I found a musical book for my niece Arleigh...one more item to cross off the list. I'm praying I'll have everything ready in time. I'm working on one thing/day so I don't get overwhelmed. I'm grateful that each day, I'm able to cross at least one thing off my lists...whether it's a gift located, a gift project completed, or a task accomplished.
6. I put my Gazelle in the middle of the living room floor for lack of any other place to keep it. I'm pleased to see all the kids using it. We all will benefit from more exercise.
2. I bought one of those microfiber cloths that people have been raving about at the dollar store. I have been having the best time blessing my home. This cloth is amazing...it even cleaned my windows with no streaking, no chemicals, and no need to buff. Once I got started with it, I just couldn't stop. Some people get excited about shopping. I get excited about cleaning. Before I became ill, it was such a passion that I cleaned several homes a week just for the exercise and fun of it. Today I am grateful to have a day I feel well enough to clean...and that this cloth makes it so much easier.
3. The kids had company over last night. Our guest was delightful as usual. I'm very grateful for our friends. Some friends who moved away earlier this year will be visiting overnight this Friday. We are looking forward to it.
4. I found a bed for Philip today at an estate sale today. I may have mentioned that he is 10 years old and still sleeping in his toddler bed...God is answering prayer. I'm not quite sure how we are going to get the bed to fit into the room, but we'll keep working on that.
5. We went shopping today for groceries, and I found a musical book for my niece Arleigh...one more item to cross off the list. I'm praying I'll have everything ready in time. I'm working on one thing/day so I don't get overwhelmed. I'm grateful that each day, I'm able to cross at least one thing off my lists...whether it's a gift located, a gift project completed, or a task accomplished.
6. I put my Gazelle in the middle of the living room floor for lack of any other place to keep it. I'm pleased to see all the kids using it. We all will benefit from more exercise.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Gratitude Journal November 15, 2007
1. I'm very grateful that my mother-in-law has no legal rights to my children. Let's just leave it at that. And pray for me for wisdom and boldness.
2. I survived my first counseling appointment, and even thought it went well. My brain is mush now though due to all the stressful memories that were drudged up as she was getting background information on me. A mushy brain is a huge source of entertainment for me and my kids. We spent an hour searching the house for a salad I misplaced...lol. Among the other things I've misplaced today, my false tooth was one of them. I do hope we find it soon, as a replacement will be costly. I'm grateful that my family can see the humor in it are so willing to help me search for things I misplace.
3. One more Christmas gift got crossed off the list today!
4. Just 5 more days till next cell group.
2. I survived my first counseling appointment, and even thought it went well. My brain is mush now though due to all the stressful memories that were drudged up as she was getting background information on me. A mushy brain is a huge source of entertainment for me and my kids. We spent an hour searching the house for a salad I misplaced...lol. Among the other things I've misplaced today, my false tooth was one of them. I do hope we find it soon, as a replacement will be costly. I'm grateful that my family can see the humor in it are so willing to help me search for things I misplace.
3. One more Christmas gift got crossed off the list today!
4. Just 5 more days till next cell group.
Turkey Cobbler with Bisquick
Turkey Cobbler
1 can Cream of Potato soup
½ cup milk
½ cup water
3 cloves minced garlic
¼ tsp black pepper
¼ tsp thyme
¼ tsp basil leaves
1 tbsp minced onion
3 cups cooked shredded or cubed turkey
2 cups frozen vegetables (I prefer carrots, broccoli, peas, corn, or a combination)
1 ½ cups bisquick
½ cup milk (in addition to above)
¼ cup egg substitute, or one egg
Combine first 8 ingredients in a bowl. Add turkey and veggies, pour into 8x8 pan. Mix bisquick, milk, and egg in bowl, spoon onto turkey mixture. Bake at 400 degrees Fahrenheit for 30-40 minutes.
1 can Cream of Potato soup
½ cup milk
½ cup water
3 cloves minced garlic
¼ tsp black pepper
¼ tsp thyme
¼ tsp basil leaves
1 tbsp minced onion
3 cups cooked shredded or cubed turkey
2 cups frozen vegetables (I prefer carrots, broccoli, peas, corn, or a combination)
1 ½ cups bisquick
½ cup milk (in addition to above)
¼ cup egg substitute, or one egg
Combine first 8 ingredients in a bowl. Add turkey and veggies, pour into 8x8 pan. Mix bisquick, milk, and egg in bowl, spoon onto turkey mixture. Bake at 400 degrees Fahrenheit for 30-40 minutes.
Slow Cooker Turkey Soup
Slow Cooker Turkey Soup
4 cups cooked cubed or shredded turkey
1 can chicken broth
3 cloves minced garlic
4 cups water
2 cups sliced carrots
2 bay leaves
½ tsp black pepperbarley, noodles, or cooked rice
Combine all ingredients in crock pot, cover and cook on low 8-10 hours. If using barley, use 1 cup and add with rest of ingredients. If using noodles or rice (1-2 cups), prepare as directed on package and stir in at the end of cooking time.
4 cups cooked cubed or shredded turkey
1 can chicken broth
3 cloves minced garlic
4 cups water
2 cups sliced carrots
2 bay leaves
½ tsp black pepperbarley, noodles, or cooked rice
Combine all ingredients in crock pot, cover and cook on low 8-10 hours. If using barley, use 1 cup and add with rest of ingredients. If using noodles or rice (1-2 cups), prepare as directed on package and stir in at the end of cooking time.
Hiding from the Homeschoolers
I just realized that many moms from my homeschool group are bloggers here. I'm glad now I haven't used any identifying information. I've enjoyed getting a deeper look at them through their blogs, but am not so certain I want them to get a deeper look at me.
I don't know why it matters. I guess I don't want the stigma of mental illness to follow me into my daily life outside of my home. I think I've been fairly good at looking normal...I mean my clothes match and are appropriate for the weather most days...lol. My kids are fantastic! Not a day outside of our home goes by that someone doesn't complement us on what a wonderful family we are and what fantastic kids I have...even complete strangers. Our librarian has mentioned that other homeschool families seem so strange to her, but we are normal. I think we seem normal because the kids are very happy, confident, very social, and don't dress weird...well maybe when they were younger and I let them pick out their own clothes...lol. They still pick out their own clothes, but they choose clothes that look like what everyone else is wearing...within the limits of modesty.
But that is where normalicy ends. It's always been difficult for me to have a conversation with any of them. They all seem so capable and intellegent...and don't seem to be able to comprehend my struggles. We live in different worlds. My strength as a homeschooling mother has been loving my kids and teaching them to love and respect themselves and others. They love God and are eager to please Him (as it should be). Nothing I do is easy. Things that are simple for others are a major battle for me...one I believe is worth engaging in however. Many things are let go...like try as I might I may never be able to make bread from scratch, or be a good organizer or leader. However, I can pray and ask God to lead me to the solution He has for me for a particular problem or task.
As I read the other blogs, I can feel myself becoming slightly envious over how much these other moms accomplish and how blessed their families are because of them and their amazing capabilities. We get by. And I am very grateful for the few people in our homeschool circles that have compassion for us rather than looking down their nose as so many do at my lack of taking on a lot of responsibility outside of my home. I've learned the hard way not to commit to anything long term. I never know from one day to the next what I'm capable of. I've tried so many times...and have had to quit midstream because I just couldn't do the job any longer. I hate being undependable, and having to give explanations...very embarrassing, very humbling.
There are two homeschoolers in particular who have reached out to our family. One is a leader of the co-op school. She is actually a grandmother raising her grandson. I've let her down so many times. And you know what she says to me? She asks if there is anything she can do to help. She is an example of Christ's love to me. ..one that I've needed so desperately at other times in my life. I haven't needed her help at this stage in life, but I sooooo appreciate that she is willing to offer it.
The other homeschooler who has reached out to us is my girls' Scout leader. She is also a grandmother and is raising a wonderful daughter she adopted. She understands that there is something wrong with me that keeps me from being able to "do my part". She always lets me know that anything I do is appreciated, but not a necessity. Instead of refusing to talk to me like some of the other mothers have done, or questioning the validity of my excuses, she always talks to me eye to eye with respect. She offeres to pick my children up for events and to bring them home. She knew my mother, and in some ways, I see my mother in her. She is a true blessing.
I've had to back away from most of our homeschool group activities for the most part because I find socializing to be extreemly stressful. Most people are not kind, especially in the Christian group. I used to think I needed the groups for my kids to get the socialization they needed, and for the groups to organize field trips that I wouldn't be able to organize myself. In the smaller groups we've been in, those were needs that were met through the groups, but now that the groups are so large...it's almost like it's become a corporation without a heart. We are more involved with our church now, and it's a much healthier place for socialization.
I'm not sure what my place is in the homeschool community. The general gist of it all is that every mom do her part to contribute to the benefit of all. I have nothing to contribute. I even had to quit working with the toddlers at our co-op because I just didn't have the physical strength to carry the supplies back and forth from the van with my toddler on my hip. Not one person offered to help as they watch me struggling. I sense that they just gawk...which might be paranoia on my part. And I didn't have the emotional strength to respond well to high expectations of the other mothers. There's no pleasing some people. I couldn't tolerate the chemicals they insisted their kids use to disinfect their hands prior to snacks. I guess handwashing with soap and water is a thing of the past. I just didn't belong there...and I FINALLY (after years of trying to fit in) realized it and quit forcing myself. I'm healthier for it with less stress in my life. But I grieve the loss of what I imagined in my mind that it "could" have been.
At the church, when I mentioned I'd had lead toxicity and was not well, there was a spirit of acceptance in the air. I'm still trying to find where I fit in there, and how I can contribute. But like I said...not a day goes by that they don't tell me how wonderful my children are and how much they enjoy having them there. They attribute that to me and how I've raised them. I attribute it to the grace of God. There is a healing atmosphere there. I can relax, and be myself, not pretend anything. It's all ok... the good days and the days I struggle to get through. I can just be me, and allow others to minister to me. Eventually I hope to find my place to minister to others.
I don't know why it matters. I guess I don't want the stigma of mental illness to follow me into my daily life outside of my home. I think I've been fairly good at looking normal...I mean my clothes match and are appropriate for the weather most days...lol. My kids are fantastic! Not a day outside of our home goes by that someone doesn't complement us on what a wonderful family we are and what fantastic kids I have...even complete strangers. Our librarian has mentioned that other homeschool families seem so strange to her, but we are normal. I think we seem normal because the kids are very happy, confident, very social, and don't dress weird...well maybe when they were younger and I let them pick out their own clothes...lol. They still pick out their own clothes, but they choose clothes that look like what everyone else is wearing...within the limits of modesty.
But that is where normalicy ends. It's always been difficult for me to have a conversation with any of them. They all seem so capable and intellegent...and don't seem to be able to comprehend my struggles. We live in different worlds. My strength as a homeschooling mother has been loving my kids and teaching them to love and respect themselves and others. They love God and are eager to please Him (as it should be). Nothing I do is easy. Things that are simple for others are a major battle for me...one I believe is worth engaging in however. Many things are let go...like try as I might I may never be able to make bread from scratch, or be a good organizer or leader. However, I can pray and ask God to lead me to the solution He has for me for a particular problem or task.
As I read the other blogs, I can feel myself becoming slightly envious over how much these other moms accomplish and how blessed their families are because of them and their amazing capabilities. We get by. And I am very grateful for the few people in our homeschool circles that have compassion for us rather than looking down their nose as so many do at my lack of taking on a lot of responsibility outside of my home. I've learned the hard way not to commit to anything long term. I never know from one day to the next what I'm capable of. I've tried so many times...and have had to quit midstream because I just couldn't do the job any longer. I hate being undependable, and having to give explanations...very embarrassing, very humbling.
There are two homeschoolers in particular who have reached out to our family. One is a leader of the co-op school. She is actually a grandmother raising her grandson. I've let her down so many times. And you know what she says to me? She asks if there is anything she can do to help. She is an example of Christ's love to me. ..one that I've needed so desperately at other times in my life. I haven't needed her help at this stage in life, but I sooooo appreciate that she is willing to offer it.
The other homeschooler who has reached out to us is my girls' Scout leader. She is also a grandmother and is raising a wonderful daughter she adopted. She understands that there is something wrong with me that keeps me from being able to "do my part". She always lets me know that anything I do is appreciated, but not a necessity. Instead of refusing to talk to me like some of the other mothers have done, or questioning the validity of my excuses, she always talks to me eye to eye with respect. She offeres to pick my children up for events and to bring them home. She knew my mother, and in some ways, I see my mother in her. She is a true blessing.
I've had to back away from most of our homeschool group activities for the most part because I find socializing to be extreemly stressful. Most people are not kind, especially in the Christian group. I used to think I needed the groups for my kids to get the socialization they needed, and for the groups to organize field trips that I wouldn't be able to organize myself. In the smaller groups we've been in, those were needs that were met through the groups, but now that the groups are so large...it's almost like it's become a corporation without a heart. We are more involved with our church now, and it's a much healthier place for socialization.
I'm not sure what my place is in the homeschool community. The general gist of it all is that every mom do her part to contribute to the benefit of all. I have nothing to contribute. I even had to quit working with the toddlers at our co-op because I just didn't have the physical strength to carry the supplies back and forth from the van with my toddler on my hip. Not one person offered to help as they watch me struggling. I sense that they just gawk...which might be paranoia on my part. And I didn't have the emotional strength to respond well to high expectations of the other mothers. There's no pleasing some people. I couldn't tolerate the chemicals they insisted their kids use to disinfect their hands prior to snacks. I guess handwashing with soap and water is a thing of the past. I just didn't belong there...and I FINALLY (after years of trying to fit in) realized it and quit forcing myself. I'm healthier for it with less stress in my life. But I grieve the loss of what I imagined in my mind that it "could" have been.
At the church, when I mentioned I'd had lead toxicity and was not well, there was a spirit of acceptance in the air. I'm still trying to find where I fit in there, and how I can contribute. But like I said...not a day goes by that they don't tell me how wonderful my children are and how much they enjoy having them there. They attribute that to me and how I've raised them. I attribute it to the grace of God. There is a healing atmosphere there. I can relax, and be myself, not pretend anything. It's all ok... the good days and the days I struggle to get through. I can just be me, and allow others to minister to me. Eventually I hope to find my place to minister to others.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Thanksgiving Poem
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
Gratitude Journal November 14, 2007
1. I'm grateful my son remembered the name of our postman so we can bless him this year with a Christmas ornament with his name painted on it.
2. We attended another baby shower...another first time mom. It blesses me to be able to offer babysitting services and to be able to pass a few of our no-longer-needed items along. (along with some new items as well).
3. I had energy today. It was a very full day, and I'm glad I was able to keep up with all the demands. I even tackled cleaning off a bookshelf that I've been wanting to do for months. Making progress with the house makes me very happy.
4. The money is coming in from some jobs we did a while back. I'm grateful to have more to work with. It takes some pressure off and allows me to be more generous towards others.
5. I feel peaceful inside today...a feeling I've been missing for quite a while. I welcome it, and pray it lasts.
2. We attended another baby shower...another first time mom. It blesses me to be able to offer babysitting services and to be able to pass a few of our no-longer-needed items along. (along with some new items as well).
3. I had energy today. It was a very full day, and I'm glad I was able to keep up with all the demands. I even tackled cleaning off a bookshelf that I've been wanting to do for months. Making progress with the house makes me very happy.
4. The money is coming in from some jobs we did a while back. I'm grateful to have more to work with. It takes some pressure off and allows me to be more generous towards others.
5. I feel peaceful inside today...a feeling I've been missing for quite a while. I welcome it, and pray it lasts.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Christmas Lists
I just need a place to organize the stuff...and the people who will get the stuff...lol.
I hope/pray that someday I will actually enjoy doing this. At least I recognize that the stress is from fearing people will be disappointed in their gifts. When I anticipate that someone will be very pleased, I do enjoy it. So, Lord, help me to do this gift giving tradition to please you, and not to please others. Let me hear what you desire to bless others with through me.
The stuff: The people:
Two popcorn tins-?
2 cookie tins-?
2 candy boxes-?
Rotisserie ?
wooden rocking horse- Olivia
Waffle Stick maker- Philip
$50 Olive Garden Gift Card- Lee
Petridge Farm gift pack- Dad
Cookies/Fudge- JJ, Deb
Coffee BasketFudge- Dan
Antique Serving Tray- Irene
New Pillows- My kids
Slow and Steady Books- Maxwell's, Fisher's, and Cometto's
Snowbaby ornament-?
Mickey Mouse decoration, figurine, and picture frame- Uncle Danny
M&M container and figurine- Ashley
Whinnie the Poo Music Books- Arleigh and Seth
Chili's Gift Card- Irene
3 Little Books- Olivia
Chair Massager- ?
Antique Girl Scout Book- Ms. Nancy
Little Michael wants Spongebob coloring book
Arleigh and Seth want fisher price doll house people and figurines
Benjamin wants ???
Alexandra ???
Ideas/Shopping list:
Family Christmas Tree ornament for Danny & Kathy, Steve, and the Petries
Discipleship Journal Magazine subscription for Uncle Steve
New Electronics Kit for Philip
Blockbuster Coupons for each of my kids
Sponge Bob towel and coloring book, crayons, and siscors for Michael
Coffee mugs for Dan and Heidi to add to coffee basket
WalMart gift cards for garbage men
Ornament for mailman
Fudge and cookies for teachers- with homemade reigndeer candy cane ornaments
Boxes or containers for fudge/cookies
New Bedding for Heather, Ashley, and Philip...sheets, comforters, and skirt for Philip
Egg Crate mattresses for kids- 2 twin, one queen
Twin Mattress cover for Philip
Christmas Card List:
My address list is outlook express. Mike said for me to go ahead and get started. I'd like to include a picture of the family in our cards this year, as well as an annual family newletter. We didn't do a monthly one this year. Better get busy.
Jeff & Amy
Beth
Sally
Lee
Vicki
Susan
Kim
Alterina
Loretta
Demettria Curry
Mike Kirtley
Dad&Lee
Linda&Alan
Deanna&JJ
Irene
Helen (?)
Ms. Joyce
Bill and Jean
Hutchisons
Ms. Roslyn
Dan & Heidi
Melinda Vance
Angie Harrison
Nancy Imhoff
Richard
A Great Idea!!!
When you are making out your Christmas card list this year, please include the following:
A Recovering American soldier
c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center
6900 Georgia Avenue,NW
Washington ,D.C. 20307-5001
If you approve of the idea, please pass it on to your e-mail list.
THE PEOPLE:
Philip: Waffle Maker, Polly Pocket thing,
Heather:
Ashley:M&M canister, M&M figurine,
Olivia: Rocking Horse, 3 little books,
Mike:
Steve:
Deb&Hack:
Danny:
Kathey:
Benjamin:
Alexandra:
Linda: Parenting Book, dancing frog
Alan: fudge, cookies
Arleigh: Music Book
Seth: Music Book
Deanna: Childplay book, family ornament
JJ: Cookies and Fudge
Michael: Towel, coloring book, crayons, siscors
New Baby: Baby ornament (baby 2007)
Dad: Pepridge Farm
Lee: $50 Olive Garden, Box of Chocolate
Irene: $45 Chilis, Box of Chocolate
Matt: Fudge and Cookies
Petries: Family Ornament, popcorn tin
Soncha: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Bethany: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Ms. Moore: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Ms. Day: (English) Fudge and Cookies, Card
Mr. Bryant (gym teacher): Fudge and Cookies, Card
Ms. Amy: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Larry: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Mr. Trawick (Science,Math): Fudge and Cookies, Card
Bible Teacher: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Mrs. Lydack (music): Fudge and Cookies, Card
Ms. Lynette: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Mr. Beater: Peppridge Farm from Sam's, Card
Chuck and Jamie: Girl Scout Nuts, Card
Becky Carpenter: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Angie and Sam: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Alterina: Card, Gift Card for Ryan's & Walmart
Nancy: Girl Scout Book
Pat and Julia:
Danny (mailman):
Garbage Men:
I hope/pray that someday I will actually enjoy doing this. At least I recognize that the stress is from fearing people will be disappointed in their gifts. When I anticipate that someone will be very pleased, I do enjoy it. So, Lord, help me to do this gift giving tradition to please you, and not to please others. Let me hear what you desire to bless others with through me.
The stuff: The people:
Two popcorn tins-?
2 cookie tins-?
2 candy boxes-?
Rotisserie ?
wooden rocking horse- Olivia
Waffle Stick maker- Philip
$50 Olive Garden Gift Card- Lee
Petridge Farm gift pack- Dad
Cookies/Fudge- JJ, Deb
Coffee BasketFudge- Dan
Antique Serving Tray- Irene
New Pillows- My kids
Slow and Steady Books- Maxwell's, Fisher's, and Cometto's
Snowbaby ornament-?
Mickey Mouse decoration, figurine, and picture frame- Uncle Danny
M&M container and figurine- Ashley
Whinnie the Poo Music Books- Arleigh and Seth
Chili's Gift Card- Irene
3 Little Books- Olivia
Chair Massager- ?
Antique Girl Scout Book- Ms. Nancy
Little Michael wants Spongebob coloring book
Arleigh and Seth want fisher price doll house people and figurines
Benjamin wants ???
Alexandra ???
Ideas/Shopping list:
Family Christmas Tree ornament for Danny & Kathy, Steve, and the Petries
Discipleship Journal Magazine subscription for Uncle Steve
New Electronics Kit for Philip
Blockbuster Coupons for each of my kids
Sponge Bob towel and coloring book, crayons, and siscors for Michael
Coffee mugs for Dan and Heidi to add to coffee basket
WalMart gift cards for garbage men
Ornament for mailman
Fudge and cookies for teachers- with homemade reigndeer candy cane ornaments
Boxes or containers for fudge/cookies
New Bedding for Heather, Ashley, and Philip...sheets, comforters, and skirt for Philip
Egg Crate mattresses for kids- 2 twin, one queen
Twin Mattress cover for Philip
Christmas Card List:
My address list is outlook express. Mike said for me to go ahead and get started. I'd like to include a picture of the family in our cards this year, as well as an annual family newletter. We didn't do a monthly one this year. Better get busy.
Jeff & Amy
Beth
Sally
Lee
Vicki
Susan
Kim
Alterina
Loretta
Demettria Curry
Mike Kirtley
Dad&Lee
Linda&Alan
Deanna&JJ
Irene
Helen (?)
Ms. Joyce
Bill and Jean
Hutchisons
Ms. Roslyn
Dan & Heidi
Melinda Vance
Angie Harrison
Nancy Imhoff
Richard
A Great Idea!!!
When you are making out your Christmas card list this year, please include the following:
A Recovering American soldier
c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center
6900 Georgia Avenue,NW
Washington ,D.C. 20307-5001
If you approve of the idea, please pass it on to your e-mail list.
THE PEOPLE:
Philip: Waffle Maker, Polly Pocket thing,
Heather:
Ashley:M&M canister, M&M figurine,
Olivia: Rocking Horse, 3 little books,
Mike:
Steve:
Deb&Hack:
Danny:
Kathey:
Benjamin:
Alexandra:
Linda: Parenting Book, dancing frog
Alan: fudge, cookies
Arleigh: Music Book
Seth: Music Book
Deanna: Childplay book, family ornament
JJ: Cookies and Fudge
Michael: Towel, coloring book, crayons, siscors
New Baby: Baby ornament (baby 2007)
Dad: Pepridge Farm
Lee: $50 Olive Garden, Box of Chocolate
Irene: $45 Chilis, Box of Chocolate
Matt: Fudge and Cookies
Petries: Family Ornament, popcorn tin
Soncha: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Bethany: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Ms. Moore: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Ms. Day: (English) Fudge and Cookies, Card
Mr. Bryant (gym teacher): Fudge and Cookies, Card
Ms. Amy: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Larry: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Mr. Trawick (Science,Math): Fudge and Cookies, Card
Bible Teacher: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Mrs. Lydack (music): Fudge and Cookies, Card
Ms. Lynette: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Mr. Beater: Peppridge Farm from Sam's, Card
Chuck and Jamie: Girl Scout Nuts, Card
Becky Carpenter: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Angie and Sam: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Alterina: Card, Gift Card for Ryan's & Walmart
Nancy: Girl Scout Book
Pat and Julia:
Danny (mailman):
Garbage Men:
Prayer Requests
* Mike rest
* Olivia's cavity
* Holiday Stress
* Family finances - job opportunities, budgeting
* Philip's computer
* Zona's pregnant daughter- toxemia
* Olivia's cavity
* Holiday Stress
* Family finances - job opportunities, budgeting
* Philip's computer
* Zona's pregnant daughter- toxemia
Gratitude Journal November 13, 2007
1. We had unexpected company for dinner. The cool thing about it is that when I was wrapping the extra meat to freeze, a little voice told me to cook the extra instead. I just figured maybe I'll use the leftovers to make stew or something. But it turned out that I wasn't able to get the car to the mechanics as planned, and Mike solicited help from a friend who then stayed for dinner.
2. Olivia took an extra long nap allowing the older kids more opportunity to work on their school assignments without interruption.
3. I had a day of rest. I'm not sure what I'm fighting off, but am grateful to get extra rest while I'm not feeling well.
4. I'm encouraged by scripture, and by a book that I'm reading...that my simple-mindedness is no surprise to God, and He has made provision for me to still carry out His will in my life. He's equipping me to train my children in His ways, to do my housework, to be a help-meet to my husband, and to pray for my brothers and sisters in Christ and for the lost.
2. Olivia took an extra long nap allowing the older kids more opportunity to work on their school assignments without interruption.
3. I had a day of rest. I'm not sure what I'm fighting off, but am grateful to get extra rest while I'm not feeling well.
4. I'm encouraged by scripture, and by a book that I'm reading...that my simple-mindedness is no surprise to God, and He has made provision for me to still carry out His will in my life. He's equipping me to train my children in His ways, to do my housework, to be a help-meet to my husband, and to pray for my brothers and sisters in Christ and for the lost.
Why Homeschool?
Like Abraham, I should direct my children and my household after me to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just. (Genesis 18:19)
I will learn to fear You all the days I live on the earth and teach Your words to my children. (Deuteronomy 4:10)
I will learn to fear You all the days I live on the earth and teach Your words to my children. (Deuteronomy 4:10)
Why study God's Word?
"The entrance of Your words gives light; It gives understanding to the simple." (Psalm 119:130)
Good enough reason for me. I need understanding of what is true in this world with so much conflicting information and conflicting values.
Today, I also read about how the disciples labored in vain all night trying to catch fish. But when Jesus told them to cast their nets on the other side of the boat, they obeyed, and caught a lot of fish. This story blessed me because I can see that on my own, I can do all that I know to do to be well and to do my duties. But if only I could hear Jesus and obey Him...then the fruit will come. It will be from obeying Him. It won't depend on how hard I work, or how smart I am. It will come from obeying Him.
So, that is why I study God's Word. It is one of the ways God talks to me. I can be reading along, and then all of the sudden, I hear a small voice saying something like, "pray for Zona" or whatever. Or I'll gain an insight like above which is God's answer to my heart's longing....to not be so simple minded, so I can serve Him in great ways the way my pastor and many people at my church do. His answer....He makes provision for the simple minded...He gives understanding through His Word. If I can hear Him, I can choose to obey Him, and I will be blessed.
I love His Word. Even when I first started reading and understood very little, I still was blessed by the huge amount of peace it brought me just reading it. My boyfriend back then blessed me with a Thompson's Chain Bible with a topical index so I was able to see what God said about various topics. That is very helpful.
Good enough reason for me. I need understanding of what is true in this world with so much conflicting information and conflicting values.
Today, I also read about how the disciples labored in vain all night trying to catch fish. But when Jesus told them to cast their nets on the other side of the boat, they obeyed, and caught a lot of fish. This story blessed me because I can see that on my own, I can do all that I know to do to be well and to do my duties. But if only I could hear Jesus and obey Him...then the fruit will come. It will be from obeying Him. It won't depend on how hard I work, or how smart I am. It will come from obeying Him.
So, that is why I study God's Word. It is one of the ways God talks to me. I can be reading along, and then all of the sudden, I hear a small voice saying something like, "pray for Zona" or whatever. Or I'll gain an insight like above which is God's answer to my heart's longing....to not be so simple minded, so I can serve Him in great ways the way my pastor and many people at my church do. His answer....He makes provision for the simple minded...He gives understanding through His Word. If I can hear Him, I can choose to obey Him, and I will be blessed.
I love His Word. Even when I first started reading and understood very little, I still was blessed by the huge amount of peace it brought me just reading it. My boyfriend back then blessed me with a Thompson's Chain Bible with a topical index so I was able to see what God said about various topics. That is very helpful.
Monday, November 12, 2007
The Spirit vs. The Flesh
"We worship God in the Spirit, and rejoice in Christ Jesus, and have no confidence in the flesh" (Philippians 3:3)
I'm not really sure about the meaning of this, but do know that
I have no confidence in my flesh. So, finally, it appears I'm doing something right. I also worship God in the Spirit, and I rejoice in Christ Jesus. Wow! 3 for 3. I usually end my Bible study time very discouraged with my many shortcomings, but for once it appears my shortcomings are a strength.
Chip Brogden of http://www.theschoolofchrist.org/ says, "To lose all confidence in the flesh is to take the higher ground of the Spirit. To meet flesh with flesh means the victory will go to the strongest, and there is always someone stronger than you according to the flesh. "
"It is the Spirit that gives life; the flesh profits nothing" (John 6:63).
I find this all very confusing. All I know to do is to feed my spirit with scripture as best I can, to pray in the spirit, and to ask God for strength to carry out what He desires of me...and allow the victory (or defeat) to rest on His head and not mine.
I'm sick in bed today with my toddler destroying the house and my husband aggrivated with me for not taking the van to the repair shop as he asked me to. I tried, I really did. I dressed the baby twice only to have her take her clothes off. I don't have the strength to dress myself today. It's one of those days I wish I were dead already so I'd have a good excuse to not have done what I should of. The house needs vacuumed. I did manage to start the crockpot with dinner before I started vomiting. I couldn't keep my meds and supplements down. No, I have no confidence in my flesh. If anything...I'm at constant war with it. I need God moment by moment to accomplish His will, and to keep my mind in line with scripture. I need Him to assure me that when I fail despite all my efforts, that I'm still His. I'm still loved. And everything is still ok.
I'm not really sure about the meaning of this, but do know that
I have no confidence in my flesh. So, finally, it appears I'm doing something right. I also worship God in the Spirit, and I rejoice in Christ Jesus. Wow! 3 for 3. I usually end my Bible study time very discouraged with my many shortcomings, but for once it appears my shortcomings are a strength.
Chip Brogden of http://www.theschoolofchrist.org/ says, "To lose all confidence in the flesh is to take the higher ground of the Spirit. To meet flesh with flesh means the victory will go to the strongest, and there is always someone stronger than you according to the flesh. "
"It is the Spirit that gives life; the flesh profits nothing" (John 6:63).
I find this all very confusing. All I know to do is to feed my spirit with scripture as best I can, to pray in the spirit, and to ask God for strength to carry out what He desires of me...and allow the victory (or defeat) to rest on His head and not mine.
I'm sick in bed today with my toddler destroying the house and my husband aggrivated with me for not taking the van to the repair shop as he asked me to. I tried, I really did. I dressed the baby twice only to have her take her clothes off. I don't have the strength to dress myself today. It's one of those days I wish I were dead already so I'd have a good excuse to not have done what I should of. The house needs vacuumed. I did manage to start the crockpot with dinner before I started vomiting. I couldn't keep my meds and supplements down. No, I have no confidence in my flesh. If anything...I'm at constant war with it. I need God moment by moment to accomplish His will, and to keep my mind in line with scripture. I need Him to assure me that when I fail despite all my efforts, that I'm still His. I'm still loved. And everything is still ok.
Gratitude Journal Nov 12, 2007
1. The reds and yellows have really come out in the trees today. The most vibrant yellow tree is right outside my bedroom window...so beautiful. Also, there is a red maple near the park that is just spectacular looking.
2. It turns out that the guy that sold us our van is now working at Kia as a mechanic. He told us that it is still under warrenty for 6,000 more miles...for us to bring it over and he will take care of it. I'm so grateful. We wont have to spend next summer trying to beat the heat without AC in the van. Also, there is a noise that has been concerning me, and I'm glad to be able to get it checked out.
3. I'm back on track with my small exercise routine thanks to the person I lent my Gazelle to returning it. I'm very appreciative. It's been difficult trying to time my walks since I can nolonger take Olivia with me due to the colder weather and since it's dark in the mornings now before she wakes up. Now I can just head to the basement before the family wakes up...it's still a nice time in the presence of God.
2. It turns out that the guy that sold us our van is now working at Kia as a mechanic. He told us that it is still under warrenty for 6,000 more miles...for us to bring it over and he will take care of it. I'm so grateful. We wont have to spend next summer trying to beat the heat without AC in the van. Also, there is a noise that has been concerning me, and I'm glad to be able to get it checked out.
3. I'm back on track with my small exercise routine thanks to the person I lent my Gazelle to returning it. I'm very appreciative. It's been difficult trying to time my walks since I can nolonger take Olivia with me due to the colder weather and since it's dark in the mornings now before she wakes up. Now I can just head to the basement before the family wakes up...it's still a nice time in the presence of God.
This Week's To-Do List
Monday Nov 12:
Take car to get sound checked and AC fixed.
Return overdue library books
Target to get laundry soap/paper towels/lunch bags
Dinner: Chuck roast, vegetables, macaroni & cheese
Tuesday Nov 13:
Dentist appointment for mom
Heather has a dinner at church- 6:30
Mike- music practice
Dinner: Beef Stew for Mike, spaghetti, corn on cob, raw veggies
Wednesday Nov 14
Story-time at library
Heather and Philip stay an hour after school for play/music practice
Girl Scout meeting for Heather
Baby Shower for Mrs. Moore
Violin lesson
Church
Dinner: Chicken packets, curly noodles, apple sauce with cinnamon
Thursday Nov 15
Casting Crowns Concert (no cell group)
Mike- music practice
Dinner: Hambergers, potato wedges, green beans
Friday Nov 16
Heather P. is spending the night
Dinner: homemade pizza, raw veggies
Saturday Nov 17
Dinner: Taco Salad
Sunday Nov 18
Grilled steaks, baked yams/potatoes, salad
Take car to get sound checked and AC fixed.
Return overdue library books
Target to get laundry soap/paper towels/lunch bags
Dinner: Chuck roast, vegetables, macaroni & cheese
Tuesday Nov 13:
Dentist appointment for mom
Heather has a dinner at church- 6:30
Mike- music practice
Dinner: Beef Stew for Mike, spaghetti, corn on cob, raw veggies
Wednesday Nov 14
Story-time at library
Heather and Philip stay an hour after school for play/music practice
Girl Scout meeting for Heather
Baby Shower for Mrs. Moore
Violin lesson
Church
Dinner: Chicken packets, curly noodles, apple sauce with cinnamon
Thursday Nov 15
Casting Crowns Concert (no cell group)
Mike- music practice
Dinner: Hambergers, potato wedges, green beans
Friday Nov 16
Heather P. is spending the night
Dinner: homemade pizza, raw veggies
Saturday Nov 17
Dinner: Taco Salad
Sunday Nov 18
Grilled steaks, baked yams/potatoes, salad
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Gratitude Journal November 10, 2007
1. Wow! What another fantastic day. The majority of the day I worked with Mike and Steve wiring a new hotel for phones and cabel TV. Mike is my husband, and Steve is a social worker with a degree in Christian Counseling. We were paying him $10 an hour to feed wire, but he gave us a LOT more. I really benefitted from having so much uninterrupted time to talk with him, and I'm very grateful.
2. I got a full physical workout. With Steve there to feed wire, my job was to run it to each room. Between that and climbing up and down out of the attic 1,000+ times to communicate with Mike (I lent Steve my cell phone), muscles that haven't been used in a very long time got used. I'm stiff and sore, but in a very good way...not the fibromyalgia kind of pain.
3. At this morning's yardsales, I found a gently used wooden rocking horse from Pottery Barn to give Olivia for Christmas. I don't know where we will keep it, but it sure will look nice Christmas morning in front of the tree. I also found a few stocking stuffers for Heather and Philip.
4. I really enjoy working with Mike. We met working together for a department store. I worked in the lay-away department, and he helped me to get the heavier boxes stacked in their proper places in the storage attic of the store even though he worked the children's toy department. Working with him in that attic today reminds me of the good times and the romantic moments we stole away in that department store. I remember how it was to fall in love with him 20 years ago...nice memories.
5. We are having a family slumber party. For years we used to all sleep downstairs in the living room during the Summers when we didn't have air conditioning upstairs. I was missing it so on a whim, I told everyone that I was throwing a slumber party and they were all invited. I had picked up a movie at a yardsale for fifty cents that I thought we'd all like...and they were wanting to watch a special episode of Hannah Montanna. I made popcorn. Mike made salsa, and we broke out the chips. So, we had a fun and relaxing evening. I also gave Mike a back and body massage. He needed it after crawling in the rafters for 8 hours, and is very appreciative.
2. I got a full physical workout. With Steve there to feed wire, my job was to run it to each room. Between that and climbing up and down out of the attic 1,000+ times to communicate with Mike (I lent Steve my cell phone), muscles that haven't been used in a very long time got used. I'm stiff and sore, but in a very good way...not the fibromyalgia kind of pain.
3. At this morning's yardsales, I found a gently used wooden rocking horse from Pottery Barn to give Olivia for Christmas. I don't know where we will keep it, but it sure will look nice Christmas morning in front of the tree. I also found a few stocking stuffers for Heather and Philip.
4. I really enjoy working with Mike. We met working together for a department store. I worked in the lay-away department, and he helped me to get the heavier boxes stacked in their proper places in the storage attic of the store even though he worked the children's toy department. Working with him in that attic today reminds me of the good times and the romantic moments we stole away in that department store. I remember how it was to fall in love with him 20 years ago...nice memories.
5. We are having a family slumber party. For years we used to all sleep downstairs in the living room during the Summers when we didn't have air conditioning upstairs. I was missing it so on a whim, I told everyone that I was throwing a slumber party and they were all invited. I had picked up a movie at a yardsale for fifty cents that I thought we'd all like...and they were wanting to watch a special episode of Hannah Montanna. I made popcorn. Mike made salsa, and we broke out the chips. So, we had a fun and relaxing evening. I also gave Mike a back and body massage. He needed it after crawling in the rafters for 8 hours, and is very appreciative.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Gratitude Journal November 9, 2007
1. I'm grateful that my husband changed his mind about allowing the kids to participate in basketball and cheerleading this year without me saying a word. I'm trying very hard not to be a manipulative person anymore. Participating will make our schedules difficult for a season, but I believe that the experience, the exercise, and the relationships built will be worth it. This picture is of my three oldest children at their awards ceremony last year with one of the Globe Trotters.
2. I talked to my brother today. We don't talk often enough. He was very understanding about me being stressed about the holidays. He said he will consider coming to visit us in the Spring rather than for Christmas. I'm so relieved. He has a new daughter I've not yet seen. Here is a photo of their sweet family last year when we visited him last...before the new addition. I'm excited about meeting my new neice this Spring.
3. I'm grateful that our internet service is working again and that Mike was able to use the computer at his office to pay some bills online today that are due soon.
4. I'm very grateful for my husband. I don't think either one of us knew what we were getting ourselves into when we said "I do." But one thing is for sure...God is in it and He's growing us. This evening as my husband and I cooked dinner together, it occured to me how very blessed I am by this relationship and I'm thankful to God for it.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The Cooking Challenge
My children were raised on a steady diet of chocolate poptarts, microwave popcorn, fresh fruit, Little Ceaser's pizza, and filtered water. I always wanted to do better for them, but surprisingly their pediatrition thought that was a fine diet despite their obvious yeast overgrowth symptoms and the diabetes diagnosis of my oldest. Sometimes I wonder which of us is more mentally challenged. Well, now that I'm functioning better after getting most of the heavy metals out with chelation, I'm making an effort to learn to cook.
It's been very challenging.... best described as trying to read and follow a recipe with a blanket over your head. Boxed recipes are much easier...as there are fewer steps and usually fewer ingredients, but I'm concerned about all the colorings, preservatives, and such.
The other challenging aspect is that I get discouraged over my family's pickiness, and have had a tendency to give up too easily. Every once in a while they will be in a social setting where they try something new and discover they LOVE it. I jump right on it and get the recipe...and then figure out a way to sneak the healthy stuff into it.
I'm very grateful that they have always loved fresh vegetables. In the past it's been difficult for me to prepare them, but they are a staple now...served as an appetizer before lunch and dinner. When we would go out to eat, I'd pile the children's plates high with all the vegetables from the salad bar. One gentleman asked me if they were really going to eat it, or if it was just my wishful thinking. He glanced over his shoulder several times amazed that they ate every last bite...they always do. They cut their teeth on frozen carrot and celery sticks. They love fresh vegetables.
I've learned to make homemade pizza with ground flax seeds, spaghetti sauce with the children's nurtrition powder in it, Cream of Chicken noodles and macaroni and cheese with whey powder for extra protein for my vegetarian daughter. I make juice for the baby and me with cranberry juice concentrate, stevia, filtered water, and vitamin C powder. She loves it and I don't have to worry about all the carbs and tooth decay brought on by store bought juices. My other kids still prefer water. I've also learned to make garlic bread with fresh garlic, and whole wheat biscuits that are still tasty. And for myself, Ann Louise Gittleman's book "The Fat Flush Plan" has taken the mystery out of cooking with herbs. She describes the ones with properties to increase metabolism, and to help detox the body. Then she offers a wealth of simple recipes using them. I'm having a hay day trying them...and hoping at least a few will catch on with the hubby and kids.
With my brain challenges, it doesn't matter how many times I make a recipe, I cannot do it again by memory. So, I'd like this to be a place for me to keep my recipes organized as well as keep a listing of ones I'd like to try. We have a rule about new recipes. Everyone has to try it at least three times before deciding that they don't like it. It makes for comic relief at the table. The kids are so funny trying to get the most miniscule bite that would still be considered a whole atom of the substance...lol. And the facial contortions! ...even with a dish as simple as applesauce. I will try to remember to bring out the camera so I can share it. But every once in a while we stumble on to a hit, and that makes all the effort worth it.
It's been very challenging.... best described as trying to read and follow a recipe with a blanket over your head. Boxed recipes are much easier...as there are fewer steps and usually fewer ingredients, but I'm concerned about all the colorings, preservatives, and such.
The other challenging aspect is that I get discouraged over my family's pickiness, and have had a tendency to give up too easily. Every once in a while they will be in a social setting where they try something new and discover they LOVE it. I jump right on it and get the recipe...and then figure out a way to sneak the healthy stuff into it.
I'm very grateful that they have always loved fresh vegetables. In the past it's been difficult for me to prepare them, but they are a staple now...served as an appetizer before lunch and dinner. When we would go out to eat, I'd pile the children's plates high with all the vegetables from the salad bar. One gentleman asked me if they were really going to eat it, or if it was just my wishful thinking. He glanced over his shoulder several times amazed that they ate every last bite...they always do. They cut their teeth on frozen carrot and celery sticks. They love fresh vegetables.
I've learned to make homemade pizza with ground flax seeds, spaghetti sauce with the children's nurtrition powder in it, Cream of Chicken noodles and macaroni and cheese with whey powder for extra protein for my vegetarian daughter. I make juice for the baby and me with cranberry juice concentrate, stevia, filtered water, and vitamin C powder. She loves it and I don't have to worry about all the carbs and tooth decay brought on by store bought juices. My other kids still prefer water. I've also learned to make garlic bread with fresh garlic, and whole wheat biscuits that are still tasty. And for myself, Ann Louise Gittleman's book "The Fat Flush Plan" has taken the mystery out of cooking with herbs. She describes the ones with properties to increase metabolism, and to help detox the body. Then she offers a wealth of simple recipes using them. I'm having a hay day trying them...and hoping at least a few will catch on with the hubby and kids.
With my brain challenges, it doesn't matter how many times I make a recipe, I cannot do it again by memory. So, I'd like this to be a place for me to keep my recipes organized as well as keep a listing of ones I'd like to try. We have a rule about new recipes. Everyone has to try it at least three times before deciding that they don't like it. It makes for comic relief at the table. The kids are so funny trying to get the most miniscule bite that would still be considered a whole atom of the substance...lol. And the facial contortions! ...even with a dish as simple as applesauce. I will try to remember to bring out the camera so I can share it. But every once in a while we stumble on to a hit, and that makes all the effort worth it.
Don't Miss the Gift
I recently ran across a site designed to encourage parents of high-energy, easily-distractable children. http://www.sizzlebop.com/index.htm.
After reading many of the author's articles, I'm challenged to see my brain injury as a gift. The author says God must have known she enjoys a challenge. I can see that as true of myself...at times. Other times, like today, the exhaustion is just so overly present that I desire simplicity in my life so my brain can rest. Oh, what I'd give for a boring day....a day to just "be" rather than facing a "to do" list as long as my arm.
Another thing that made an impact on me is that she decided to RELAX. Oh, how I envy her.
I remember a day long ago before I had any indication of what lie ahead for me, when a friend of mine told me that she has a learning disability. I was frustrated by her because it seemed to me that she had given up on life. At age 32, she still lived with her parents, and was unemployed. She was not pursuing an education or job training of any kind. She believed that someday her "knight in shining armor" was going to whisk her away to happiness even though she was 100 pounds overweight and not doing a thing about it. We were enjoying making cinnamon candy together, as she was explaining to me that this learning disability was the reason that she had to come to terms with her life the way it was. I told her that having a learning disability only means that she will have to work harder to accomplish what she desires in life. And that has been my philosophy of life..."When life gets tough, the tough get tougher".
Perhaps that is what has brought on my adrenal failure. Today I would love to just lie back and relax feeling that all is well...just as it is...nothing more to know and change for the better. There must be a healthy balance. I have never been able to rest without worrying about what is suffering due to my slacking. The parable of the ant and grasshopper that wasn't prepared for winter plays through my mind frequently. I'm constantly on to my kids about finding something to do that's productive.
Today my mind is overwhelmed with 40 different thoughts at once. I desire for the thoughts to just lie down and wait for me to be ready for them, but they are ever-present, confusing, and overwhelming me. It's like trying to watch a minimum of nine television shows at the same time. My solution is usually to dive into a book, well organized into chapters...all the pieces fit together perfectly, and my mind can rest. It amazes me how soothing organization is...if only I could accomplish that in other areas of my life. That partly is what I'm attempting to do by starting this blog...organizing my to-do list, Bible readings, gratitude journal, book notes, miscellaneous thoughts, and moments with my children I want to preserve.
For me the "GIFT" of my brain injury is that it has brought me to a place of dependence on God. I've been trained since childhood to be independent, self-sufficient, an over-achiever. My grandmother used to say, "God helps those who help themselves." I would never have voluntarily welcomed being dependent on anyone. As a matter of fact, I used to think GOD needed MY help to accomplish his will on Earth. I was his hands and feet...I'd been taught. But now I see God's work as being more "inner" in nature. It's about character development. It's about building a relationship...yes, one of dependence...also, love and respect. God is accomplishing His work in me through this "gift." I will make an effort to see it as such.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
Psalm 62:5
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
Matthew 11:29
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
After reading many of the author's articles, I'm challenged to see my brain injury as a gift. The author says God must have known she enjoys a challenge. I can see that as true of myself...at times. Other times, like today, the exhaustion is just so overly present that I desire simplicity in my life so my brain can rest. Oh, what I'd give for a boring day....a day to just "be" rather than facing a "to do" list as long as my arm.
Another thing that made an impact on me is that she decided to RELAX. Oh, how I envy her.
I remember a day long ago before I had any indication of what lie ahead for me, when a friend of mine told me that she has a learning disability. I was frustrated by her because it seemed to me that she had given up on life. At age 32, she still lived with her parents, and was unemployed. She was not pursuing an education or job training of any kind. She believed that someday her "knight in shining armor" was going to whisk her away to happiness even though she was 100 pounds overweight and not doing a thing about it. We were enjoying making cinnamon candy together, as she was explaining to me that this learning disability was the reason that she had to come to terms with her life the way it was. I told her that having a learning disability only means that she will have to work harder to accomplish what she desires in life. And that has been my philosophy of life..."When life gets tough, the tough get tougher".
Perhaps that is what has brought on my adrenal failure. Today I would love to just lie back and relax feeling that all is well...just as it is...nothing more to know and change for the better. There must be a healthy balance. I have never been able to rest without worrying about what is suffering due to my slacking. The parable of the ant and grasshopper that wasn't prepared for winter plays through my mind frequently. I'm constantly on to my kids about finding something to do that's productive.
Today my mind is overwhelmed with 40 different thoughts at once. I desire for the thoughts to just lie down and wait for me to be ready for them, but they are ever-present, confusing, and overwhelming me. It's like trying to watch a minimum of nine television shows at the same time. My solution is usually to dive into a book, well organized into chapters...all the pieces fit together perfectly, and my mind can rest. It amazes me how soothing organization is...if only I could accomplish that in other areas of my life. That partly is what I'm attempting to do by starting this blog...organizing my to-do list, Bible readings, gratitude journal, book notes, miscellaneous thoughts, and moments with my children I want to preserve.
For me the "GIFT" of my brain injury is that it has brought me to a place of dependence on God. I've been trained since childhood to be independent, self-sufficient, an over-achiever. My grandmother used to say, "God helps those who help themselves." I would never have voluntarily welcomed being dependent on anyone. As a matter of fact, I used to think GOD needed MY help to accomplish his will on Earth. I was his hands and feet...I'd been taught. But now I see God's work as being more "inner" in nature. It's about character development. It's about building a relationship...yes, one of dependence...also, love and respect. God is accomplishing His work in me through this "gift." I will make an effort to see it as such.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
Psalm 62:5
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
Matthew 11:29
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Gratitude Journal
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8-9)
I have found it very helpful to keep an ongoing gratitude journal. I chose 3 to 5 things each day to list that I'm grateful for. It has helped to change my focus of the day for the better. I've challenged many others to to the same as I enjoy reading about the good in life soooo much. If you've decided to take me up on that challenge and make it public, please contact me so I can subscribe to your blog.
November 8, 2007
1. I had a wonderful day of rest yesterday. I only got out of bed to pick the kids up from school, and I wore my pajamas...lol. I was anticipating Lynette's comment, but she never even looked at me. I was glad to be invisible.
2. I found a way to organize my 'to do' list, Bible readings, gratitude journals, and book notes.
3. I made an appointment with a Christian mental health counselor. I'm grateful she could get me in so soon and I'm looking forward to more growth.
November 6, 2007
1. On the way home from picking the kids up from school, we saw a gorgeous deer.
2. I blessed our van with an oil change and vacuuming today. I'm glad it's done and I can quit feeling guilty about neglecting it. :-)
3. Olivia and I had a nice visit at the park today. There was a very strange man there that was crying...wailing actually. His facial features indicated that he is mentally retarded. I looked around to see if he was with a group. Another gentleman approached, told him to quit crying like a baby and led him away. Olivia started to follow. I asked her where she was going, and she said, "I help him". It blessed me to see her heart so tender already to the needs of others. God has blessed me with tender-hearted children. I'm very grateful.
November 3, 2007 - Saturday
1. What a fantastic day! I had lunch with my dad today, and he talked about catching frogs as a kid. I treasure the stories he shares. I had dinner with two of the moms from my moms group at church. I enjoy getting to know them as well.
2. I'm able to check off a few items on my Christmas shopping list thanks to a few really great yardsales. A lady with an ebay business took another job and sold all her merchandise at "get rid of" prices. I found a gorgeous antique glass serving tray at an estate sale for my mother-in-law.
3. I found some interesting books for myself as well. At the estate sale, I bought several of Beth Moore's Bible Studies. I wondered if the owner ever intended for her responses to be read by others. I also found a book about humor being a part of Jesus' character. I'm curious about what this author has to say.
4. The kids bought a game of Monopoly Jr. and we have had a fantastic time playing together. Putting two of the kids in school has been good for us because now I'm ok with having fun with no educational purpose. We just had fun.
5. I had two pretty big chemical exposures today. I'm grateful that what used to put me in bed for days and weeks merely had me staggering around like I was drunk for just a few minutes until I could get into cleaner air.
November 1, 2007- Thursday
1. I'm grateful today that God is working in my life and that I'm not on my own. He gives me purpose and hope.
2. I'm feeling an inner strength that has not been around for quite a while. It's time to tackle some storage areas...to sort, discard, and organize what is left.
3. The mud has dried up at our worksite, making things a lot easier...and cleaner.
4. Our family dentist appointment has encouraged us all to do a better job of brushing and flossing. Heather won the $5 prize of having the cleanest teeth. Mom came in last place!!! I'm determined to not let that happen twice...lol.
October 31, 2007- Wednesday
1. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing all the little toddlers dressed up in costumes at the library today. I'm wishing we could do it more often than once a year. I also appreciate the mom that brought the baked pumpkin seeds...one of my favorites.
2. Heather brought home a loaf of fresh-from-the-oven bread from her tour of the bakery with her girl scout troop. Soooo yummy! 3. My first attempt ever at making sauerkraut was a success. Mike says it's "the bomb".
I have found it very helpful to keep an ongoing gratitude journal. I chose 3 to 5 things each day to list that I'm grateful for. It has helped to change my focus of the day for the better. I've challenged many others to to the same as I enjoy reading about the good in life soooo much. If you've decided to take me up on that challenge and make it public, please contact me so I can subscribe to your blog.
November 8, 2007
1. I had a wonderful day of rest yesterday. I only got out of bed to pick the kids up from school, and I wore my pajamas...lol. I was anticipating Lynette's comment, but she never even looked at me. I was glad to be invisible.
2. I found a way to organize my 'to do' list, Bible readings, gratitude journals, and book notes.
3. I made an appointment with a Christian mental health counselor. I'm grateful she could get me in so soon and I'm looking forward to more growth.
November 6, 2007
1. On the way home from picking the kids up from school, we saw a gorgeous deer.
2. I blessed our van with an oil change and vacuuming today. I'm glad it's done and I can quit feeling guilty about neglecting it. :-)
3. Olivia and I had a nice visit at the park today. There was a very strange man there that was crying...wailing actually. His facial features indicated that he is mentally retarded. I looked around to see if he was with a group. Another gentleman approached, told him to quit crying like a baby and led him away. Olivia started to follow. I asked her where she was going, and she said, "I help him". It blessed me to see her heart so tender already to the needs of others. God has blessed me with tender-hearted children. I'm very grateful.
November 3, 2007 - Saturday
1. What a fantastic day! I had lunch with my dad today, and he talked about catching frogs as a kid. I treasure the stories he shares. I had dinner with two of the moms from my moms group at church. I enjoy getting to know them as well.
2. I'm able to check off a few items on my Christmas shopping list thanks to a few really great yardsales. A lady with an ebay business took another job and sold all her merchandise at "get rid of" prices. I found a gorgeous antique glass serving tray at an estate sale for my mother-in-law.
3. I found some interesting books for myself as well. At the estate sale, I bought several of Beth Moore's Bible Studies. I wondered if the owner ever intended for her responses to be read by others. I also found a book about humor being a part of Jesus' character. I'm curious about what this author has to say.
4. The kids bought a game of Monopoly Jr. and we have had a fantastic time playing together. Putting two of the kids in school has been good for us because now I'm ok with having fun with no educational purpose. We just had fun.
5. I had two pretty big chemical exposures today. I'm grateful that what used to put me in bed for days and weeks merely had me staggering around like I was drunk for just a few minutes until I could get into cleaner air.
November 1, 2007- Thursday
1. I'm grateful today that God is working in my life and that I'm not on my own. He gives me purpose and hope.
2. I'm feeling an inner strength that has not been around for quite a while. It's time to tackle some storage areas...to sort, discard, and organize what is left.
3. The mud has dried up at our worksite, making things a lot easier...and cleaner.
4. Our family dentist appointment has encouraged us all to do a better job of brushing and flossing. Heather won the $5 prize of having the cleanest teeth. Mom came in last place!!! I'm determined to not let that happen twice...lol.
October 31, 2007- Wednesday
1. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing all the little toddlers dressed up in costumes at the library today. I'm wishing we could do it more often than once a year. I also appreciate the mom that brought the baked pumpkin seeds...one of my favorites.
2. Heather brought home a loaf of fresh-from-the-oven bread from her tour of the bakery with her girl scout troop. Soooo yummy! 3. My first attempt ever at making sauerkraut was a success. Mike says it's "the bomb".
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Read the Bible In A Year
2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,
I have such a difficult time understanding scripture. And to memorize it just seems impossible for me. I cry thinking that I cannot do something God has commanded me to. I've found this yahoogroup useful: http://groups.google.com/group/oneyearbible , and try to start my morning reading the assigned portion of scripture. The comments are very helpful in assisting me to process the information.
There was a prophesy spoken over me that as I study and follow after God, the kids will follow my example. Right now I feel like the blind leading the blind, but have confidence that God will be true to His word to me and I will do my part. I'm going to post my Bible reading links here along with anything I feel God is putting on my heart while I'm reading. God bless!
Wednesday, November 7Ezekiel 16:42-17:24 ~ Hebrews 8:1-13 ~ Psalm 106:13-31 ~ Proverbs 27:7-9
Thursday, November 8Ezekiel 18:1-19:14 ~ Hebrews 9:1-10 ~ Psalm 106:32-48 ~ Proverbs 27:10
Friday, November 9Ezekiel 20:1-49 ~ Hebrews 9:11-28 ~ Psalm 107:1-43 ~ Proverbs 27:11
Saturday, November 10Ezekiel 21:1-22:31 ~ Hebrews 10:1-17 ~ Psalm 108:1-13 ~ Proverbs 27:12
Sunday, November 11Ezekiel 23:1-49 ~ Hebrews 10:18-39 ~ Psalm 109:1-31 ~ Proverbs 27:13
Monday, November 12Ezekiel 24:1-26:21 ~ Hebrews 11:1-16 ~ Psalm 110:1-7 ~ Proverbs 27:14
Tuesday, November 13Ezekiel 27:1-28:26 ~ Hebrews 11:17-31 ~ Psalm 111:1-10 ~ Proverbs 27:15-16
Wednesday, November 14Ezekiel 29:1-30:26 ~ Hebrews 11:32-12:13 ~ Psalm 112:1-10 ~ Proverbs 27:17
Thursday, November 15Ezekiel 31:1-32:32 ~ Hebrews 12:14-29 ~ Psalm 113:1-114:8 ~ Proverbs 27:18-20
1. This week in Ezekiel 20:40 we will read: "There I will require your offerings and your choice gifts, along with all your holy sacrifices." What are your offerings, choice gifts and holy sacrifices to the Lord? Your life, your thoughts, your finances? Do you give a percentage of your income to your local church, ministries, and nonprofits? Would this perhaps be a "holy sacrifice" if you did so? Would this be a bold act of faith?
We do tithe. I get confused doing all the math. I don't know how much our gross income is. We get the check after taxes and insurance has been taken out...so I just multiply the net by 13%. We give to a few other groups as well. I enjoy giving, and I believe God has blessed us financially as a result, by Mike being offered a job that better suits our financial needs and allows him more time at home in the evenings with the kids. I used to volunteer time and work as well...but am not well enough to do that anymore...I'm still grieving. All I can figure is that since God hasn't enabled me, it must not be His plan for me at this time. It was a bold act of faith for me to take a job tutoring kids after school...and it ended in me having to quit due to health issues. I just don't understand. Also, I used to keep accounting books for a ministry, and worked at a bank in bookkeeping too. But now it is extreemly difficult for me to manage our personal accounts. I need help so much. Lord, I beg you to heal me.
2. Hebrews chapter 10 this week is amazing! In verse 22 we will read: "Let us go right into the presence of God, with true hearts fully trusting him. For our evil consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water." Great stuff! The last few words of this verse remind me of the blessing of Baptism - as an outward sign of our inner transformation and faith in Christ. Verse 24 is just pure joy & goodness: "Think of ways to encourage one another to outbursts of love and good deeds." Outbursts of love & good deeds indeed! Who are you encouraging these days to outbursts of love and good deeds? Can you think of some ways to do this?
The kids and I used to do volunteer work for Faith in Action...but am too ill to do that as well. I used to love helping others and surprising them with unexpectedly meeting a need. It just isn't something I can do anymore. I feel like a broken record. Our income is not mine to use for anything other than our household and a small Christmas gift budget. I'm very grateful that my husband agrees with the principle of tithing. I'm pretty much housebound now. A trip to a store leaves me bedridden for days afterwards (better than weeks like it used to be). The only way I know to encourage others is through the internet. I do that off and on through Christian womens groups. I've chosen the title of my blog to let others know that it is I that am in desperate need of encouragement. Oh Lord. I'm at my wits end. I feel paralyzed. I actually feel dead.
And verse 25 reminds me of the importance of finding a church community to do life with together: "And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage and warn each other, especially now that the day of his coming back again is drawing near." Do you meet together with others in a local church?
Not anymore. They decided to build a new platform. I've still not recovered from the glue exposure. I could hardly stand all the perfumes before. I cannot tolerate them at all now. I went to a church dinner Saturday. Today is Wednesday, and I've still not recovered from the perfumes. I was walking around intoxicated...walking into walls and tripping over chairs. I'm so sad. I desire more fellowship with my church.
Have you found a small group, community group, or prayer group that you can spend some quality time with outside of regular church services? A group where you can encourage, warn, and pray for each other?
There is my cell group on Thursday evenings. My husband doesn't think it's a priority. I miss it terribly when I cannot go. My husband thinks it contributes to me being ill due to the stress it sometimes creates and discourages me from going. If I do get ill from it, he says it's becasue I don't listen to him. The anxiety of feeling torn between doing what I think I should and doing what he thinks I should is definitely contributing to me being ill. I also used to go to a women's Bible study on Friday mornings, but my husband will not allow it anymore due to childcare issues. It's probably for the best because the dry erase markers they use also impair my brain function. They affect my vision and cause me to struggle to stay conscious. Perhaps I could start my own home women's Bible study during the day while my husband is at work. I could let people know ahead of time...no markers, no perfumes, and children are WELCOME!
Verse 26 and the following verses are strong reminders of the one option we have for our faith - the one true God to follow: "Dear friends, if we deliberately continue sinning after we have received a full knowledge of the truth, there is no other sacrifice that will cover these sins." Is there another sacrifice besides Jesus' sacrifice on the cross that will cover our sins?
Of course not. I don't deliberately sin, but appearently I commit the same sins over and over because I don't remember my mistakes to learn from them...lol. Mike gives me the same lecture everytime he gets frustrated with me for being ill. He says I'm sick because I don't do what he says. When I tell him I don't know what he's talking about, he thinks I'm lying. I'm just so confused. I don't even know when I'm sinning anymore.
3. This week in Psalm 106:19-21 we will read: "At Horeb they made a calf and worshiped an idol cast from metal. They exchanged their Glory for an image of a bull, which eats grass. They forgot the God who saved them, who had done great things in Egypt." This of course sounds very familiar to Romans chapter 1 verses 22 and 23: "Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles." Was this wise that the Israelites exchanged their Glory for an image of a bull?
Of course it wasn't wise. Hind sight is 20/20.
Why did they do this?
I figure they lost their trust in God and got tired of waiting for Him.
What should have been their Glory? What is your Glory today? Do you, at times, exchange your true Glory for something else? Is this wise? Are you forgetting the God who saved you? The God who has done great things for you? Please don't ever exchange the true Glory for a false idol.
God is my glory...but honestly, I'm not sure I have any glory at all. Not that I don't have God...but that God doesn't seem to be operating in my life in a way that others can see. I feel that I'm a horrible disapointment and blemish on God's reputation. I guess I've exchanged my glory for sickness...but I don't know how or why, or how to change it. I've not forgotten God, on the contrary, He's about all I think about anymore....begging him to make His promises true in my life...and enabling me moment by moment to follow his commands that I don't seem to be able to follow.
4. This week in Proverbs 27 verse 8 we will read: "A person who strays from home is like a bird that strays from its nest." Where is our spiritual home? Who is our spiritual home? Have we strayed from our spiritual nest? As I read this I of course think about our relationship with Jesus first - and then manifestation of his body in the local church as being our spiritual home. And I realize that if I do not attend church on a weekly basis, I am like a bird straying from its nest. Our prime home is Jesus – we do not want to stray from our relationship with Him, ever. It's far too risky to do so, for obvious reasons. But I think we can sometimes feel like we don't need Jesus' body, his church. We feel like we can do life fine without church. I submit to you that this is far too risky of a way to live life. I am just afraid that if we stray away from the nest of our local church, then we are at risk of potentially straying away from Jesus. We need the church. We need Jesus. Are you going to church each week these days? Do you think you should? If there is one thing I can encourage you on, almost more than anything, is to please find a local church where Jesus is clearly the cornerstone and the Bible is clearly taught. And then please do not stray away from that nest. . . I cannot encourage you enough on this point. I love the church so very much. I pray that you do as well. (It brings tears to my eyes to even try to think of my life without the church – I cannot imagine it. I pray this is the case for you as well . . .)
I think we already discussed this. I do my best to fellowship with other Christians and to watch the sermons on the internet. If God wants more, He will need to heal me first and I will go to church regularly leaping for joy!!!!
I have such a difficult time understanding scripture. And to memorize it just seems impossible for me. I cry thinking that I cannot do something God has commanded me to. I've found this yahoogroup useful: http://groups.google.com/group/oneyearbible , and try to start my morning reading the assigned portion of scripture. The comments are very helpful in assisting me to process the information.
There was a prophesy spoken over me that as I study and follow after God, the kids will follow my example. Right now I feel like the blind leading the blind, but have confidence that God will be true to His word to me and I will do my part. I'm going to post my Bible reading links here along with anything I feel God is putting on my heart while I'm reading. God bless!
Wednesday, November 7Ezekiel 16:42-17:24 ~ Hebrews 8:1-13 ~ Psalm 106:13-31 ~ Proverbs 27:7-9
Thursday, November 8Ezekiel 18:1-19:14 ~ Hebrews 9:1-10 ~ Psalm 106:32-48 ~ Proverbs 27:10
Friday, November 9Ezekiel 20:1-49 ~ Hebrews 9:11-28 ~ Psalm 107:1-43 ~ Proverbs 27:11
Saturday, November 10Ezekiel 21:1-22:31 ~ Hebrews 10:1-17 ~ Psalm 108:1-13 ~ Proverbs 27:12
Sunday, November 11Ezekiel 23:1-49 ~ Hebrews 10:18-39 ~ Psalm 109:1-31 ~ Proverbs 27:13
Monday, November 12Ezekiel 24:1-26:21 ~ Hebrews 11:1-16 ~ Psalm 110:1-7 ~ Proverbs 27:14
Tuesday, November 13Ezekiel 27:1-28:26 ~ Hebrews 11:17-31 ~ Psalm 111:1-10 ~ Proverbs 27:15-16
Wednesday, November 14Ezekiel 29:1-30:26 ~ Hebrews 11:32-12:13 ~ Psalm 112:1-10 ~ Proverbs 27:17
Thursday, November 15Ezekiel 31:1-32:32 ~ Hebrews 12:14-29 ~ Psalm 113:1-114:8 ~ Proverbs 27:18-20
1. This week in Ezekiel 20:40 we will read: "There I will require your offerings and your choice gifts, along with all your holy sacrifices." What are your offerings, choice gifts and holy sacrifices to the Lord? Your life, your thoughts, your finances? Do you give a percentage of your income to your local church, ministries, and nonprofits? Would this perhaps be a "holy sacrifice" if you did so? Would this be a bold act of faith?
We do tithe. I get confused doing all the math. I don't know how much our gross income is. We get the check after taxes and insurance has been taken out...so I just multiply the net by 13%. We give to a few other groups as well. I enjoy giving, and I believe God has blessed us financially as a result, by Mike being offered a job that better suits our financial needs and allows him more time at home in the evenings with the kids. I used to volunteer time and work as well...but am not well enough to do that anymore...I'm still grieving. All I can figure is that since God hasn't enabled me, it must not be His plan for me at this time. It was a bold act of faith for me to take a job tutoring kids after school...and it ended in me having to quit due to health issues. I just don't understand. Also, I used to keep accounting books for a ministry, and worked at a bank in bookkeeping too. But now it is extreemly difficult for me to manage our personal accounts. I need help so much. Lord, I beg you to heal me.
2. Hebrews chapter 10 this week is amazing! In verse 22 we will read: "Let us go right into the presence of God, with true hearts fully trusting him. For our evil consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water." Great stuff! The last few words of this verse remind me of the blessing of Baptism - as an outward sign of our inner transformation and faith in Christ. Verse 24 is just pure joy & goodness: "Think of ways to encourage one another to outbursts of love and good deeds." Outbursts of love & good deeds indeed! Who are you encouraging these days to outbursts of love and good deeds? Can you think of some ways to do this?
The kids and I used to do volunteer work for Faith in Action...but am too ill to do that as well. I used to love helping others and surprising them with unexpectedly meeting a need. It just isn't something I can do anymore. I feel like a broken record. Our income is not mine to use for anything other than our household and a small Christmas gift budget. I'm very grateful that my husband agrees with the principle of tithing. I'm pretty much housebound now. A trip to a store leaves me bedridden for days afterwards (better than weeks like it used to be). The only way I know to encourage others is through the internet. I do that off and on through Christian womens groups. I've chosen the title of my blog to let others know that it is I that am in desperate need of encouragement. Oh Lord. I'm at my wits end. I feel paralyzed. I actually feel dead.
And verse 25 reminds me of the importance of finding a church community to do life with together: "And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage and warn each other, especially now that the day of his coming back again is drawing near." Do you meet together with others in a local church?
Not anymore. They decided to build a new platform. I've still not recovered from the glue exposure. I could hardly stand all the perfumes before. I cannot tolerate them at all now. I went to a church dinner Saturday. Today is Wednesday, and I've still not recovered from the perfumes. I was walking around intoxicated...walking into walls and tripping over chairs. I'm so sad. I desire more fellowship with my church.
Have you found a small group, community group, or prayer group that you can spend some quality time with outside of regular church services? A group where you can encourage, warn, and pray for each other?
There is my cell group on Thursday evenings. My husband doesn't think it's a priority. I miss it terribly when I cannot go. My husband thinks it contributes to me being ill due to the stress it sometimes creates and discourages me from going. If I do get ill from it, he says it's becasue I don't listen to him. The anxiety of feeling torn between doing what I think I should and doing what he thinks I should is definitely contributing to me being ill. I also used to go to a women's Bible study on Friday mornings, but my husband will not allow it anymore due to childcare issues. It's probably for the best because the dry erase markers they use also impair my brain function. They affect my vision and cause me to struggle to stay conscious. Perhaps I could start my own home women's Bible study during the day while my husband is at work. I could let people know ahead of time...no markers, no perfumes, and children are WELCOME!
Verse 26 and the following verses are strong reminders of the one option we have for our faith - the one true God to follow: "Dear friends, if we deliberately continue sinning after we have received a full knowledge of the truth, there is no other sacrifice that will cover these sins." Is there another sacrifice besides Jesus' sacrifice on the cross that will cover our sins?
Of course not. I don't deliberately sin, but appearently I commit the same sins over and over because I don't remember my mistakes to learn from them...lol. Mike gives me the same lecture everytime he gets frustrated with me for being ill. He says I'm sick because I don't do what he says. When I tell him I don't know what he's talking about, he thinks I'm lying. I'm just so confused. I don't even know when I'm sinning anymore.
3. This week in Psalm 106:19-21 we will read: "At Horeb they made a calf and worshiped an idol cast from metal. They exchanged their Glory for an image of a bull, which eats grass. They forgot the God who saved them, who had done great things in Egypt." This of course sounds very familiar to Romans chapter 1 verses 22 and 23: "Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles." Was this wise that the Israelites exchanged their Glory for an image of a bull?
Of course it wasn't wise. Hind sight is 20/20.
Why did they do this?
I figure they lost their trust in God and got tired of waiting for Him.
What should have been their Glory? What is your Glory today? Do you, at times, exchange your true Glory for something else? Is this wise? Are you forgetting the God who saved you? The God who has done great things for you? Please don't ever exchange the true Glory for a false idol.
God is my glory...but honestly, I'm not sure I have any glory at all. Not that I don't have God...but that God doesn't seem to be operating in my life in a way that others can see. I feel that I'm a horrible disapointment and blemish on God's reputation. I guess I've exchanged my glory for sickness...but I don't know how or why, or how to change it. I've not forgotten God, on the contrary, He's about all I think about anymore....begging him to make His promises true in my life...and enabling me moment by moment to follow his commands that I don't seem to be able to follow.
4. This week in Proverbs 27 verse 8 we will read: "A person who strays from home is like a bird that strays from its nest." Where is our spiritual home? Who is our spiritual home? Have we strayed from our spiritual nest? As I read this I of course think about our relationship with Jesus first - and then manifestation of his body in the local church as being our spiritual home. And I realize that if I do not attend church on a weekly basis, I am like a bird straying from its nest. Our prime home is Jesus – we do not want to stray from our relationship with Him, ever. It's far too risky to do so, for obvious reasons. But I think we can sometimes feel like we don't need Jesus' body, his church. We feel like we can do life fine without church. I submit to you that this is far too risky of a way to live life. I am just afraid that if we stray away from the nest of our local church, then we are at risk of potentially straying away from Jesus. We need the church. We need Jesus. Are you going to church each week these days? Do you think you should? If there is one thing I can encourage you on, almost more than anything, is to please find a local church where Jesus is clearly the cornerstone and the Bible is clearly taught. And then please do not stray away from that nest. . . I cannot encourage you enough on this point. I love the church so very much. I pray that you do as well. (It brings tears to my eyes to even try to think of my life without the church – I cannot imagine it. I pray this is the case for you as well . . .)
I think we already discussed this. I do my best to fellowship with other Christians and to watch the sermons on the internet. If God wants more, He will need to heal me first and I will go to church regularly leaping for joy!!!!
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