Merry Christmas. I love Jesus, or do I? I hate his birthday. I love my husband but I hated our wedding. I love my family, but I hate being with them. What I hate is my inability to cope with stress...good stress, bad stress, etc. My adrenal glands don't know the difference. I want to die. I've been in bed 26 hours trying to recooperate from Christmas Day and I just feel worse for not being more involved with my kids today. They don't ask how I am or if I need a drink. Perhaps they are downstairs sulking because I haven't asked how they are or if they need me to make dinner. I feel that I've failed them. I'm failing God. I can't stand to be in my skin. I want to die. I want the nightmare to be over. My mind is not right. My body hurts every day. What use am I to God. Of what use am I to my family except to keep disappointing them. I dissapoint myself. I know it always gets better somehow, but at what cost? How much do I put my family through. I wish not interacting was the answer, but it only makes things worse. Interacting makes things worse too. There just is no answer. I'm just going to pretend I'm dead until I feel life in me again. I'm so ashamed.
My step mom said that if I can't handle my perfect life, how will I ever be able to handle a real problem. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I hope she chokes on her money and dies. I hate her. I truely do. I hate her devaluing me and my kids. I want her to go away from me forever. She wants my house. I wish she'd just take it and get it over with so that we can find another place to live even if it is under a bridge. I hate greed and she is full of it. She is poison. She came to my house uninvited. I stayed in my room. I've been here 26 hours now. I want to be dead, then I won't be hurt that nobody cares if I have water. I've been fighting the urge to hurt myself, to destroy myself. I really don't expect God to care at this point. I'm such a disappointment to him. Why should he care? He gives me everything and I still cannot find it within myself to be grateful. I only want to die. Is that not the ultimate rejection? I've searched for reasons that I'm such a mess. I understand adrenals, neurotransmitters, etc. But ultimatley there is no explanation. Because I'm told all I have to do is confess that I'm well and the power of God within me will make me well. It's not working. I know God is real. He either doesn't want me well, or doesn't care. I don't blame him. I just wish I was well, dead, or can learn to cope. Why can't I learn to cope? Mike wants a counselor to fix me. She can't. She doesn't know what is wrong any better than I do. Suicide seems to be the perfect solution to everyone's problems. But yet I know it's not. The game is to wait it out and then to pick up the pieces over and over and over and over and over again and again and again. The cycles seem to never end. Oh Lord, hear my cry. Answer my plea for help. Please do something. Amen.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Made a breakthrough
I feel like I made a breakthrough today. I'm not sure what to attribute it to, but here are my thoughts:
(I'm recording these things so if I crash again, I'll be able to look back and see what I was doing when I pulled out of it before)
1. Better sleep: I ate a huge meal last night at a Christmas dinner party, and I didn't wake up in the middle of the night hungry as usual. I took 2 5htp capsules as well as 2 benadryl (for food allergies) before lying down so that may have also contributed to better sleep. Olivia slept the whole night in her own spot, and didn't wake me. Mike slept in a seperate room so his breathing problems wouldn't keep me awake.
2. No more pms.... Perhaps all I needed was to hang in there until there is a hormone shift.
3. Thinking on what is good: Per Mike's advice, I've been focusing on what I can do rather than the frustration I feel for what I can't do. Also, there is an emotional release that comes from being so suicidal that you realize that none of the stuff that is pushing you to the edge really matters. Mike said to try to see myself as God sees me. I burst into tears because I think God sees me as a lazy bum that isn't busy using the talents and gifts he's given me. That parable in the Bible stays in the forefront of my mind about the hard master that is angered by the servant that burried his coins rather than investing them. Mike said that God sees me as I will be for all eternity, where as I'm focused on the here and now. There is a time to heal, and God is in control of that. I always have anxiety over not knowing when to quit and when to keep pushing to keep going. Sometimes the simplist things can be so difficult. Anyhow, today I'm focused on what I can do....which was a lot more than most days. But I'll need to remember to be just as grateful on days that all I can do is snuggle with Olivia, and leave the amount of what I can do up to God.
4. Environment: The kids cleaned the house yesterday. It was painful for Philip and Heather because I've not been requiring them to do daily chores since they started school. They are out of practice. The air was emotionally charged. But, today, it is pure bliss for me to be in a clean house. It's very soothing. Maintaining it is much easier than sitting in a messy house unable to do anything about it due to being overwhelmed.
5. Meds: I've been taking my maximum dosage of hydrocortizone for the past two days. I've been afraid to take the maximum dosage because I thought it was interferring with sleep and increasing my appetite. I thought these were signs that I was taking more than I needed. But I read recently read that a normal, healthy, unstressed person requires 40mg of cortisol a day. I'm only taking 30. I'm still in pain physically, BUT mentally and emotionally I can tell a big difference, and I'm able to cope with the pain better. I've not been taking any other of my other supplements due to not thinking clearly until last night when I took the 5htp for sleep and benadryl for a reaction I was having (to peanuts I think). It makes me wonder if taking less is what I need. I'm going to make a list of everything I'm taking to my next appointment and ask Dr. Mac if there is anything there that I don't need or that could possibly be making me worse.
6. Pacing myself and staying organized: I've created a light schedule for myself to keep a sense of order until the holidays are over and we can get back to our usual routines.
7. Prayer: At cell group, Mary said that we have circles of influence. I've read about that concept before. She said that we are the best person to pray for ourselves. I can agree to an extent, but when I'm too confused to even participate in a conversation, I reach out and let others know I need God's intervention. I have no doubt that this is a huge contributing factor to being pulled out of that pit called depression.
(I'm recording these things so if I crash again, I'll be able to look back and see what I was doing when I pulled out of it before)
1. Better sleep: I ate a huge meal last night at a Christmas dinner party, and I didn't wake up in the middle of the night hungry as usual. I took 2 5htp capsules as well as 2 benadryl (for food allergies) before lying down so that may have also contributed to better sleep. Olivia slept the whole night in her own spot, and didn't wake me. Mike slept in a seperate room so his breathing problems wouldn't keep me awake.
2. No more pms.... Perhaps all I needed was to hang in there until there is a hormone shift.
3. Thinking on what is good: Per Mike's advice, I've been focusing on what I can do rather than the frustration I feel for what I can't do. Also, there is an emotional release that comes from being so suicidal that you realize that none of the stuff that is pushing you to the edge really matters. Mike said to try to see myself as God sees me. I burst into tears because I think God sees me as a lazy bum that isn't busy using the talents and gifts he's given me. That parable in the Bible stays in the forefront of my mind about the hard master that is angered by the servant that burried his coins rather than investing them. Mike said that God sees me as I will be for all eternity, where as I'm focused on the here and now. There is a time to heal, and God is in control of that. I always have anxiety over not knowing when to quit and when to keep pushing to keep going. Sometimes the simplist things can be so difficult. Anyhow, today I'm focused on what I can do....which was a lot more than most days. But I'll need to remember to be just as grateful on days that all I can do is snuggle with Olivia, and leave the amount of what I can do up to God.
4. Environment: The kids cleaned the house yesterday. It was painful for Philip and Heather because I've not been requiring them to do daily chores since they started school. They are out of practice. The air was emotionally charged. But, today, it is pure bliss for me to be in a clean house. It's very soothing. Maintaining it is much easier than sitting in a messy house unable to do anything about it due to being overwhelmed.
5. Meds: I've been taking my maximum dosage of hydrocortizone for the past two days. I've been afraid to take the maximum dosage because I thought it was interferring with sleep and increasing my appetite. I thought these were signs that I was taking more than I needed. But I read recently read that a normal, healthy, unstressed person requires 40mg of cortisol a day. I'm only taking 30. I'm still in pain physically, BUT mentally and emotionally I can tell a big difference, and I'm able to cope with the pain better. I've not been taking any other of my other supplements due to not thinking clearly until last night when I took the 5htp for sleep and benadryl for a reaction I was having (to peanuts I think). It makes me wonder if taking less is what I need. I'm going to make a list of everything I'm taking to my next appointment and ask Dr. Mac if there is anything there that I don't need or that could possibly be making me worse.
6. Pacing myself and staying organized: I've created a light schedule for myself to keep a sense of order until the holidays are over and we can get back to our usual routines.
7. Prayer: At cell group, Mary said that we have circles of influence. I've read about that concept before. She said that we are the best person to pray for ourselves. I can agree to an extent, but when I'm too confused to even participate in a conversation, I reach out and let others know I need God's intervention. I have no doubt that this is a huge contributing factor to being pulled out of that pit called depression.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Confused
My brain is scattered again today... Lots of thoughts in no particular order... Worries of me offending people or leaving them with a negative impression of me. Fear that people won't trust me to care for their children. I wrapped gifts this morning with the moms from my church. One side of the church had a gas leak. The other side was full of chemicals. I had my choice of poisons. My brain went bonkers. My worries...I talked too much about myself. They don't like me. They think I'm crazy. I'm so frustrated I couldn't remember where I worked and then kept thinking about it long after the conversation moved on. Should I quit doing things with them to spare me the pain of rejection and worries about me not saying the right things? After a short time in that environment, I couldn't follow their conversations at all and was just confused and quiet.
I've been having an anxiety attack that has been lasting for a few days. The sweat just pours, my heart pounds and races. I feel sick to my stomach. What to do about it? I've started eating more carbs (not sure it's the best solution, but it seems to help). I'll get back on track with my diet soon, but for now when I'm having a panic attack, it helps to sit down with a bag of Tostitos, or a handful of chocolate and milk. I'm making a conscious effort to breathe deep. My muscles hurt so terribly. Inside I beg for someone to have mercy and rub my muscles for me. But I know better than to ask. My requests usually seem unreasonable to others and the rejection hurts more than if I never asked. When I tell Mike how much I hurt, he tells me to take Ibuprofin, so I shut up. I took a muscle relaxer hoping to sleep better without as much pain, but Olivia is not sleeping well, so mom is not sleeping well. What an endless cycle this seems to be. God, please help me.
I feel so different from everyone else. I feel so isolated and misunderstood. I need to know my place. I need to know if people love or hate me. I need to know where I'm welcome and where I'm not. It's so much easier not to try...just to cut myself off from others because rejection is so painful. It's no fun being confused. One gal told me today that I just need to confess that I'm well. OK. I'm better now. I guess that makes it so.
Tonight is Christmas dinner with Mike's work. My counselor will be there. It's time once again to put on my smile, not say anything other than "hello, it's good to see you. Have a merry Christmas." I hope I can do it. I need to get two gifts together. I'm thinking maybe the lotions I forgot to take to the church for our mom's group family. Also perhaps the cookies that we baked for Mr. Beater and didn't take because Heather felt sick at the last minute. There also are two cans of popcorn. I want to take one over to the kid's school. I should do that today. And the other to the dinner. That makes three gifts. Well, I wanted to give some cookies to Angie and Sam anyhow, so maybe I'll do that.
Today was a productive one in that I got our gifts delivered to my Dad and Lee. I finished making the bulb to replace the one that Dad and Lee misplaced. I made a decoration for Dad's cookies, and attatched that huge bow to Lee's gift. Anyhow, I was thinking clear enough to get it all finished and together to take it to them. While visiting, I didn't feel that I said anything that I shouldn't. I did find it frustrating though that I had thoughts I couldn't say. I don't know what to do with them. They stay as if begging to be said and it's hard for me to think of anything else. But I didn't say them. Not because they were bad, but because Lee wanted to do all the talking. I actually feel more comfortable around people who talk a lot because I don't have to worry about saying anything at all if I don't want to...other than uh huh, and that sort of thing. There was a gal at their house spraying furniture polish. My head is such a mess. I want to stay within the safety of my own home, but that is lonely and misinterpreted as well. No matter, it's a necessity that I don't go out too often, and that seems to be what is happening...too many chemical exposures and too much social stress. I like expressing love to others. And I like being useful at the church. I just wish it didn't take such a toll on me. I wish I could be normal, or that people could love me just as I am. God please heal me.
I've been having an anxiety attack that has been lasting for a few days. The sweat just pours, my heart pounds and races. I feel sick to my stomach. What to do about it? I've started eating more carbs (not sure it's the best solution, but it seems to help). I'll get back on track with my diet soon, but for now when I'm having a panic attack, it helps to sit down with a bag of Tostitos, or a handful of chocolate and milk. I'm making a conscious effort to breathe deep. My muscles hurt so terribly. Inside I beg for someone to have mercy and rub my muscles for me. But I know better than to ask. My requests usually seem unreasonable to others and the rejection hurts more than if I never asked. When I tell Mike how much I hurt, he tells me to take Ibuprofin, so I shut up. I took a muscle relaxer hoping to sleep better without as much pain, but Olivia is not sleeping well, so mom is not sleeping well. What an endless cycle this seems to be. God, please help me.
I feel so different from everyone else. I feel so isolated and misunderstood. I need to know my place. I need to know if people love or hate me. I need to know where I'm welcome and where I'm not. It's so much easier not to try...just to cut myself off from others because rejection is so painful. It's no fun being confused. One gal told me today that I just need to confess that I'm well. OK. I'm better now. I guess that makes it so.
Tonight is Christmas dinner with Mike's work. My counselor will be there. It's time once again to put on my smile, not say anything other than "hello, it's good to see you. Have a merry Christmas." I hope I can do it. I need to get two gifts together. I'm thinking maybe the lotions I forgot to take to the church for our mom's group family. Also perhaps the cookies that we baked for Mr. Beater and didn't take because Heather felt sick at the last minute. There also are two cans of popcorn. I want to take one over to the kid's school. I should do that today. And the other to the dinner. That makes three gifts. Well, I wanted to give some cookies to Angie and Sam anyhow, so maybe I'll do that.
Today was a productive one in that I got our gifts delivered to my Dad and Lee. I finished making the bulb to replace the one that Dad and Lee misplaced. I made a decoration for Dad's cookies, and attatched that huge bow to Lee's gift. Anyhow, I was thinking clear enough to get it all finished and together to take it to them. While visiting, I didn't feel that I said anything that I shouldn't. I did find it frustrating though that I had thoughts I couldn't say. I don't know what to do with them. They stay as if begging to be said and it's hard for me to think of anything else. But I didn't say them. Not because they were bad, but because Lee wanted to do all the talking. I actually feel more comfortable around people who talk a lot because I don't have to worry about saying anything at all if I don't want to...other than uh huh, and that sort of thing. There was a gal at their house spraying furniture polish. My head is such a mess. I want to stay within the safety of my own home, but that is lonely and misinterpreted as well. No matter, it's a necessity that I don't go out too often, and that seems to be what is happening...too many chemical exposures and too much social stress. I like expressing love to others. And I like being useful at the church. I just wish it didn't take such a toll on me. I wish I could be normal, or that people could love me just as I am. God please heal me.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Gratitude Journal 12-18-07
Three things I can think of to be grateful for today:
1. I'm grateful that seasons change...when times get tough, I can hang on to the thought that "this too shall pass" and hang on to life knowing relief will come in time.
2. I have a two year old in my life that loves to dance, eat cookie dough, and kiss frogs. Her pleasure with life's simplicities is contageous.
3. I'm grateful that when I feel like I'm going to explode into thousands of tiny pieces, that I don't actually explode...lol
1. I'm grateful that seasons change...when times get tough, I can hang on to the thought that "this too shall pass" and hang on to life knowing relief will come in time.
2. I have a two year old in my life that loves to dance, eat cookie dough, and kiss frogs. Her pleasure with life's simplicities is contageous.
3. I'm grateful that when I feel like I'm going to explode into thousands of tiny pieces, that I don't actually explode...lol
Monday, December 17, 2007
Gratitude Journal 12-17-07
1. I'm so proud of my kids. I'm seeing how talented God has made them, and the hard work they do. I feel so blessed to be the mom of such wonderful kids.
2. I'm very grateful for the way God has been speaking to me lately. I'm finally "getting it" on a level I can understand. I just know that as I'm obedient to these things He is showing me, that I'm finally going to start growing spiritually the way I've been wanting to. I'm looking forward to it.
3. As I was praying for my friends this evening, I feel very blessed to be so close to so many people to know what their needs are. I also feel so priviledged that God allows us to ask for anything. I love seeing God work in our lives. It always puts me in awe.
2. I'm very grateful for the way God has been speaking to me lately. I'm finally "getting it" on a level I can understand. I just know that as I'm obedient to these things He is showing me, that I'm finally going to start growing spiritually the way I've been wanting to. I'm looking forward to it.
3. As I was praying for my friends this evening, I feel very blessed to be so close to so many people to know what their needs are. I also feel so priviledged that God allows us to ask for anything. I love seeing God work in our lives. It always puts me in awe.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Gratitude Journal 12-15-07
1. The kids Christmas play is tonight. I'm so excited to see how it all comes together after all of their hard work.
2. I've had a day of rest, am very grateful for days when I'm not torn between resting and doing. The kids have cleaned house, and Mike is available to do the shopping and get the kids where they need to be.
3. Olivia is playing with the Nativity Set. I'm so pleased to see that she is learning about Jesus, even if it means glueing Joseph's arm back on....twice...lol. The kings are playing "piggy back" with the angel...lol.
2. I've had a day of rest, am very grateful for days when I'm not torn between resting and doing. The kids have cleaned house, and Mike is available to do the shopping and get the kids where they need to be.
3. Olivia is playing with the Nativity Set. I'm so pleased to see that she is learning about Jesus, even if it means glueing Joseph's arm back on....twice...lol. The kings are playing "piggy back" with the angel...lol.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
A light at the End of the Tunnel
I can see now where I need to go now Praise God!
It's obvious from my posts that I've really been struggling these past few weeks with my mental health. It's even been difficult for me to write my gratitude journal...as I've read in the mychurch community that readers don't like to read posts that are about the writer. I've come to the conlusion that the gratitude journals and my other writings are for me, not for others and they don't have to read them if they don't want to, but for some who want to know how hey can be praying for me or who are struggling with similar things, perhaps they will be a blessing. Either way, they are what they are. Others can take them or leave them. Also, I've had several confirmations this week that has allowed me to see that this is something God wants me to do. I'm not writing to please man, but for my recovery and for God.
Inspite of readers not caring for posts that have things pasted from other sources, I'm going to share a daily meditation that has ministered to me today. I'm trying to fight these discouraging thoughts that keep me from writing what I need to to help my thinking process.
TO HIM THAT OVERCOMES
By Chip Brogden
http://www.theschoolofchrist.org/articles/overcomes.html
"And has put all things under His feet, and gave Him to be the head over all things to the church" (Ephesians 1:22).
When we SEE an ever-increasing Christ Who is destined to fill all things then we will be delivered from smallness and narrow-mindedness. We do not overcome a thing by focusing our attention and directing our energies against that THING. "Things" will keep us busy from morning until night, and from night until morning. May God deliver us from "things" and show us His Son! We must learn to keep the focus of our heart on the Lord Jesus Christ, Who MUST increase. Then there is no room for "things" anymore. They are simply swallowed up in Victory.
I've re-read my last two private posts that were about my frustrations and identified some things that I need to put under Christ's feet so I can properly put my focus back on Him.
1) Not being able to control all the negative influences in my children's lives.
Not being able to fully protect them from people that harm them, and guide their sexual development.
2) Worry about finances for health issues and more living space for our growing family.
3) Saddness over rejection from my father, step mother, and older sister.
4) Fear of my response to the anger I feel when I'm around people who don't treat me and my kids respectfully. My fear is that I will act in unChristlike ways, and also anxiety over not knowing the "right" way to respond. Also, fear of the negative effects on my health (I have adrenal failure). In the past, large amounts of stress can take months to recover from.
My prayer: Lord, please help me to put these "things" under your feet where they belong. Help me to know that you are my provider, and your provisions are sufficient for me. Help me to love others as you do, even when they do not love me or my children. Fill me with a love that overflows to all that I'm in contact with. Lord, you know the problems I've had with anger in the past. I'm afraid of putting myself in situations that are likely to provoke it. Lord, I know the effects of the heavy metals on my emotions and sometimes feel so utterly out of control. But now I realize that YOU are in control. My strength will come from you. I'm trusting you Lord to help me have your perspective, your love for all others even when they are not treating me the way I'd like to be treated. Lord, you didn't mince words with the pharacies, and you shook the dirt off your feet as you left Nazareth when they rejected you. But yet you forgive those that sin against you and willingly allowed yourself to be mistreated as part of the Father's plan on the cross. Lord, help me to know when to do what. Oh, how I beg for your Spirit to lead me. I pray that I will hear you clearly so that I can obey. You are in control. I submit myself totally to you. Lord, be my Lord in all these areas that are trying to cause anxiety and stress. I'm so grateful to you that I'm able to fully trust you. I love you. I pray that you will increase in me and that I will decrease.
Amen!
It's obvious from my posts that I've really been struggling these past few weeks with my mental health. It's even been difficult for me to write my gratitude journal...as I've read in the mychurch community that readers don't like to read posts that are about the writer. I've come to the conlusion that the gratitude journals and my other writings are for me, not for others and they don't have to read them if they don't want to, but for some who want to know how hey can be praying for me or who are struggling with similar things, perhaps they will be a blessing. Either way, they are what they are. Others can take them or leave them. Also, I've had several confirmations this week that has allowed me to see that this is something God wants me to do. I'm not writing to please man, but for my recovery and for God.
Inspite of readers not caring for posts that have things pasted from other sources, I'm going to share a daily meditation that has ministered to me today. I'm trying to fight these discouraging thoughts that keep me from writing what I need to to help my thinking process.
TO HIM THAT OVERCOMES
By Chip Brogden
http://www.theschoolofchrist.org/articles/overcomes.html
"And has put all things under His feet, and gave Him to be the head over all things to the church" (Ephesians 1:22).
When we SEE an ever-increasing Christ Who is destined to fill all things then we will be delivered from smallness and narrow-mindedness. We do not overcome a thing by focusing our attention and directing our energies against that THING. "Things" will keep us busy from morning until night, and from night until morning. May God deliver us from "things" and show us His Son! We must learn to keep the focus of our heart on the Lord Jesus Christ, Who MUST increase. Then there is no room for "things" anymore. They are simply swallowed up in Victory.
I've re-read my last two private posts that were about my frustrations and identified some things that I need to put under Christ's feet so I can properly put my focus back on Him.
1) Not being able to control all the negative influences in my children's lives.
Not being able to fully protect them from people that harm them, and guide their sexual development.
2) Worry about finances for health issues and more living space for our growing family.
3) Saddness over rejection from my father, step mother, and older sister.
4) Fear of my response to the anger I feel when I'm around people who don't treat me and my kids respectfully. My fear is that I will act in unChristlike ways, and also anxiety over not knowing the "right" way to respond. Also, fear of the negative effects on my health (I have adrenal failure). In the past, large amounts of stress can take months to recover from.
My prayer: Lord, please help me to put these "things" under your feet where they belong. Help me to know that you are my provider, and your provisions are sufficient for me. Help me to love others as you do, even when they do not love me or my children. Fill me with a love that overflows to all that I'm in contact with. Lord, you know the problems I've had with anger in the past. I'm afraid of putting myself in situations that are likely to provoke it. Lord, I know the effects of the heavy metals on my emotions and sometimes feel so utterly out of control. But now I realize that YOU are in control. My strength will come from you. I'm trusting you Lord to help me have your perspective, your love for all others even when they are not treating me the way I'd like to be treated. Lord, you didn't mince words with the pharacies, and you shook the dirt off your feet as you left Nazareth when they rejected you. But yet you forgive those that sin against you and willingly allowed yourself to be mistreated as part of the Father's plan on the cross. Lord, help me to know when to do what. Oh, how I beg for your Spirit to lead me. I pray that I will hear you clearly so that I can obey. You are in control. I submit myself totally to you. Lord, be my Lord in all these areas that are trying to cause anxiety and stress. I'm so grateful to you that I'm able to fully trust you. I love you. I pray that you will increase in me and that I will decrease.
Amen!
Rantings of a Desperate Depresssed Mom
I've not been thinking rationally for the past few days. Suicidal obsessions have invaded my mind. I cope by planning to run away, and by searching the Internet for information that could help me get better. Random thoughts flow through my mind, skipping from one to another...not related. I want to grab one, hang on to it, and think it through, but it's gone just as fast as it came. My kids are taking care of themselves, eating canned soup, cereal, take out pizza, etc. I've not been able to cook for myself so I'm eating hard boiled eggs that I keep on hand. I've not been taking my supplements or meds except for what my husband gives me when he thinks about it. I'm going downhill. This cycle has run its course many times over. One day I will wake up and everything will be fine again for no apparent reason. Just as there is no apparent reason for my inside world to have crumbled.
I couldn't make it to my cell group this week...not bathed for 5 days now and don't want to stink them out. My care pastor just plays it off like it's not as bad as I say. "You've never stunk anyone out." I've been in physical pain for a week now. My head has been affected for the last three days. My husband drills me trying to find a trigger. The only thing I can think of is worrying about spending a week as the guest of a woman who treats me disrespectfully during a vacation trip my husband planned without consulting me. Why that would bother me? I don't know. Also I have irrational anxiety about spending Christmas Eve with my mother-in-law. We have both become quite good at pretending to get along with each other. All is well until she starts to be controlling, and I start enforcing boundaries. Then there is the whole issue of my son telling me that he had a sexual relationship with his male cousin who is a year older than him. He told me that it was before he was a Christian. He has been a Christian for at least 4 years, and is only 10 now...so this was going on when he was a preschooler. I saw evidence. I walked in on my nephew holding a knife to my son who was completely naked and ran to take cover from me behind the toy box. It was 9/11...he was three years old if I recall correctly. I feared for my sister's life...was in shock at the time. I went nuts that day. I wasn't sure if anything sexual was going on or not. They were so young, but I did know that I didn't want to ever give this kid an opportunity to pull a knife on my son again. I dealt with my suspicions by trying to eliminate any contact between my nephew and my son...well ac tally between my nephew and mother-in-law, and all of us. You see, Mike's brother back in 1990 held a rifle to my head demanding I close the back door when he didn't like my refusal the first time he told me. Mike's father spent his time watching TV very loudly in the living room. The shows were always violent and frequently sexually explicit. I asked them not to do that around my children and was told they are too young to know what is going on on the TV. Well, actually they weren't too young. They were busy even as infants and toddlers forming perceptions of the world. I can only imagine the things my nephew has been exposed to. I even learned that my mother-in-law masturbated in front of Ashley when she would younger...too young my foot!!! I tried to keep them away, and there were tons of repercussions. I thought our move back to WV was to be temporary...just until Mike's dad lived out his last days...as he was diagnosed with liver cancer. But he lived 4 years after his diagnosis and they were good years for building a relationship between him and Mike, and with the kids. It was tricky though because it was very difficult to see him without seeing Irene and Warren. "Just until he passes..." I'd tell myself. When he passed, I was told we were staying. Oh was I upset. Now I have no coping mechanism. I feel so trapped and vulnerable.
"We don't have money to move" I'm told. We have a home in SC. I don't think we need all the stuff we have here...just a warm dry place to lie our heads, privacy to shower, clean air to breathe, and access to a good library. Mike does have a good job situation here, and those good job situations aren't a dime a dozen. It is a rare thing for a family of six to be able to live on one income and for Mike to be home in the evenings. But what is the real cost? My step-mother who tells me that kids aren't worth the trouble they cause, tells me not to have any more children while I'm pregnant with my 5th, and reminds me over and over that she cares more about her "stuff" than she does about any of us. She and Dad have made it clear that they aren't interested in attending any of the children's music concerts, basketball games, or birthday parties. Yet I see them weekly at church and on holidays at their home or ours and we play the game of being cordial, playing our appropriate roles, pretending we have a relationship. I've wanted to help my step mom with house cleaning thinking that might help us build a better relationship, but I'm just too sick. I'm physically not able to do it. But they sit on their money while my sister looses her house and while the kids and I can't pay for medical care. Our insurance company is a joke and a constant source of stress. Heather and Philip need their tonsils out. Ashley needs braces. I need more chelation. Luckily, Mike is able to trade computer services for most of his medical care.) Meanwhile Dad and Lee add on to their house (there are only two of them, how much room do two people need?) and remodel their kitchen....gotta have marble floors and more counter space. I know my attitude looks sick, and I didn't use to think that way. I used to think we should all try to be responsible and independent...Dad's money is for dad to use however he wants. He married a woman who spends money on vanity. He didn't seem happy at first, and that was a concern, but he seems happy now, and I'm happy for him. But the concern came when my stepmother asked me if I realize that the house I live in is hers. It was given to me by my grandmother. It is not hers. My husband has invested a lot in this house...my whole family has...under the presumption that it is ours. It was valued at $60,000 when we moved here, and my dad had wanted to bulldoze it down. We've put about $40,000 into it and a LOT of elbow grease. We've done everything ourselves with the help of friends. It's now valued at $135,000. My dad has failed to hand it over to us legally. I don't understand why. I've asked and it doesn't make sense to me. If we have to buy it from him at this point, we are paying for everything twice...and then some. The house is too small for our growing family. Mike wanted to add on, but Dad won't even do the paperwork to allow us to get a building permit. It aggravated Mike and now we are not allowed to talk about it. I've cut back on homeschooling so that we can function in our dining room/craft room/music room/homeschool room once again. I'm going to sell or give away all my homeschool supplies because I have no place to keep them. I'd prefer to study at the library anyway. I'm at my wits end trying to figure out a way to organize that would allow us to be able to homeschool without being totally overwhelmed again. But yet, they have built on a huge room to their home...bigger than my whole downstairs...and then tell me they can't even give Christmas gifts because it would mean loosing some interest on their investments. My dad has never been materialistic when it's come to belongings, but don't mess with his interest!! Oh yes, that almighty god... money. It means more to them than God, more to them than family. Whatever, more power to them, I would normally say. I just need to keep my focus on who my provider is. It's God, not them. But it sure does hurt to know they care so little for me and my kids. It's difficult on me emotionally to try to maintain a relationship with them. I understand that Dad wants to teach us responsibility. But I can't work because I'm ill, and I can't get better because I don't have the money...vicious circle. If I were the parent and my child was ill, I'd quit trying to teach them about responsibility until they are well enough to follow through with responsibility. I suppose he is still trying to punish me for having children without a college degree. Illness is what caused me to not be able to finish college, not the kids. And now we know it's something that might be treatable, so with treatment perhaps I can finish school and be something he could be proud of. If I were the parent , I'd also celebrate my grandchildren's achievements by at least being present, and maybe even a smile or a hug. I don't know what their problem is. My step mom says its just that she's already done enough of that sort of thing with her own grandchildren and great grandchildren, and she's finished doing it. My children don't count. I'm aware of the things she does for her own...and it hurts every time she leaves us out. It also hurts when she lies about it putting the blame on me. I sometimes think she believes her own lies. It's not doing me any good to dwell on it. I'm sick of wasting time trying to make a relationship better when they have shut me out and then say it's the other way around. Perhaps it is time to shut them out. That's what I want to do, but my conscience won't let me.
My grandmother left me this house because she appreciated me helping her when she needed help. She appreciated me spending time with her when she was lonely. She appreciated me having children. She told me she didn't want to leave this world until after she saw her first great grandchild. She called me every morning for months on end to ask if I was pregnant yet. I miss my grandmother. I wish she was still here. My mom? Well, there was no pleasing her. I could never be good enough. I'm glad she's not here to tell me what a failure I am when I'm not. We just saw life differently and I had different goals for myself than she had for me. I would have gladly met some of her goals that we shared, but I was not able due to illness. I was not able to ever please her, and her disappointment was painful. For that reason, I'm glad she is gone. I have vowed to not be that way with my children. I tell them often to seek to know what God would have them do with their lives. I tell them to pray that He will give them strength to do the things they need to do to follow through with His plan.
I dream of my home at the beach daily...of a life of fresh air, healthy relationships, lots of sunshine, a healthy mind and body. Mike and the kids are happy here. Someday his mother will die, and so will my stepmother. Probably sooner than later. They are up in years...60's and 80's, and are battling health issues. It seems to me that some people are too mean to die, and that seems to be the case with them. I scold myself. They are not mean. It's just that I have never learned how to relate to them in a healthy way. I know part of the fault lies with me. I'm working on that through counseling. I hate rejection and I hate abuse. I want to run as far away from that as possible.
Ahhh well...another morning gone. I better find something more productive to do. I was so healthy over the summer. It was the best time I'd had in years. I want to try to recreate everything in hopes I might have another window of health. Mike says the stress of tutoring caused me to crash. I'm inclined to think that the crash from the flu and chemical exposure is what caused tutoring to become stressful. As things were slipping, I was finding it more and more difficult to cope with Olivia crying for me while I was getting ready to leave. I had less and less energy to change my clothes every afternoon to go tutor. I was becoming resentful of the unrealistic expectations on me. Prior to that my attitude was that I'll just do what I can do and that's all I can do...lol. I became resentful that I'd been lied to about being paid, and that things were slipping at home because I no longer had the energy to do both. I was never paid. That hurt me somehow at a deeper level. Perhaps that could have been the trigger...learning after three weeks that I wasn't going to be paid and then trying to honor my word to do that job anyway. I lasted two more weeks before I just couldn't do it anymore. I suffered the humiliation of saying once again that I'm sorry, I just can't follow through. When I go to the school, the principal and my supervisor ask how I am. I feel guilty on days that I'm feeling well to admit it because I think I should be resuming my position at the school. On days I'm not well, I just can't cope with seeing anyone and try to stay hidden in my pajamas in the car.
Oh, what I'd do for a muscle massage right now...and a four course meal. A girl can dream can't she? I'll settle with the comfort of a warm bed (I have my heating pad) and a glass of water. My husband stays irritated with me. That deeply saddens my heart. I don't know what to do different. The best thing I think is if I talk as little as possible. I'm working on a some ideas for a schedule for me that keeps things simple and manageable. Perhaps I won't be doing all that people think I "should" but at least I'll be doing something and that's enough for me right now until I wake up and all is well again.
1. Reread and implement my detox diet plan (2 eggs, at least one salad, no wheat or soy)
2. Organize one thing each day (big or small depending on what I'm up to that day)
3. Do one thing that will make us a little more ready for Christmas (big or small)
4. Exercises: Start with Jumping Jacks. If I do that and want to do more, do the 5 Tibetan Rites. If I do that and want to do more, go to the YMCA to use their stretching contraption and walk 40 minutes maximum. If all I do are jumping jacks...it's ok...better than lying in bed.
5. Rub Mikes back or feet or both. This is soooo important. Makes all the difference in the world in how he feels towards me. We've not had sex in months. He doesn't even sleep in the bed with me anymore. He's got his own health issues to worry about (sleep apnea, high BP). Massages can bring us close and help him with his blood pressure. Oh how it hurts when I think of how he talks to me, so much irritation and disapproval in his tone. I've never learned to cope with that well...perhaps I'll get better at it...right now my heart is cold/protective. Massages don't have to involve talking. I'm practicing the art of silence.
6. Get my meds sorted and laid out for the week...and TAKE them!!!!
7. Write in my gratitude journal at least every other day, daily preferably, to keep my mind focused on what is good.
8. Go to bed on time and take something if I can't go to sleep the first hour.
That's 8 things, hopefully I can do that, and will start seeing improvement soon. I have lumps in my lymph system again. Mike would like for me to believe that this is all about stress. Stress doesn't cause lumps in my lymph system. It's not a topic we can discuss anymore. Nothing good comes from it. Sometimes I think we have a fake marriage. I've heard other people talk about their marriages and that makes mine seem like gold. I'm grateful for my husband and for his relationship with God. I wish our relationship was better, but no matter how hard I try, I'm not the person he wants me to be...maybe for short periods of time I am, but when it doesn't last, niether does his tolerance for me. He says he loves me. If love is sticking with commitment and providing for, then yes he loves me. If love is enjoying being together, growing together in the Lord, and working together to reach goals, then he doesn't love me. I'm grateful for what we have. I wish it were more. I get down on myself for being so difficult to love.
Looking forward to better days!
Marlena
I couldn't make it to my cell group this week...not bathed for 5 days now and don't want to stink them out. My care pastor just plays it off like it's not as bad as I say. "You've never stunk anyone out." I've been in physical pain for a week now. My head has been affected for the last three days. My husband drills me trying to find a trigger. The only thing I can think of is worrying about spending a week as the guest of a woman who treats me disrespectfully during a vacation trip my husband planned without consulting me. Why that would bother me? I don't know. Also I have irrational anxiety about spending Christmas Eve with my mother-in-law. We have both become quite good at pretending to get along with each other. All is well until she starts to be controlling, and I start enforcing boundaries. Then there is the whole issue of my son telling me that he had a sexual relationship with his male cousin who is a year older than him. He told me that it was before he was a Christian. He has been a Christian for at least 4 years, and is only 10 now...so this was going on when he was a preschooler. I saw evidence. I walked in on my nephew holding a knife to my son who was completely naked and ran to take cover from me behind the toy box. It was 9/11...he was three years old if I recall correctly. I feared for my sister's life...was in shock at the time. I went nuts that day. I wasn't sure if anything sexual was going on or not. They were so young, but I did know that I didn't want to ever give this kid an opportunity to pull a knife on my son again. I dealt with my suspicions by trying to eliminate any contact between my nephew and my son...well ac tally between my nephew and mother-in-law, and all of us. You see, Mike's brother back in 1990 held a rifle to my head demanding I close the back door when he didn't like my refusal the first time he told me. Mike's father spent his time watching TV very loudly in the living room. The shows were always violent and frequently sexually explicit. I asked them not to do that around my children and was told they are too young to know what is going on on the TV. Well, actually they weren't too young. They were busy even as infants and toddlers forming perceptions of the world. I can only imagine the things my nephew has been exposed to. I even learned that my mother-in-law masturbated in front of Ashley when she would younger...too young my foot!!! I tried to keep them away, and there were tons of repercussions. I thought our move back to WV was to be temporary...just until Mike's dad lived out his last days...as he was diagnosed with liver cancer. But he lived 4 years after his diagnosis and they were good years for building a relationship between him and Mike, and with the kids. It was tricky though because it was very difficult to see him without seeing Irene and Warren. "Just until he passes..." I'd tell myself. When he passed, I was told we were staying. Oh was I upset. Now I have no coping mechanism. I feel so trapped and vulnerable.
"We don't have money to move" I'm told. We have a home in SC. I don't think we need all the stuff we have here...just a warm dry place to lie our heads, privacy to shower, clean air to breathe, and access to a good library. Mike does have a good job situation here, and those good job situations aren't a dime a dozen. It is a rare thing for a family of six to be able to live on one income and for Mike to be home in the evenings. But what is the real cost? My step-mother who tells me that kids aren't worth the trouble they cause, tells me not to have any more children while I'm pregnant with my 5th, and reminds me over and over that she cares more about her "stuff" than she does about any of us. She and Dad have made it clear that they aren't interested in attending any of the children's music concerts, basketball games, or birthday parties. Yet I see them weekly at church and on holidays at their home or ours and we play the game of being cordial, playing our appropriate roles, pretending we have a relationship. I've wanted to help my step mom with house cleaning thinking that might help us build a better relationship, but I'm just too sick. I'm physically not able to do it. But they sit on their money while my sister looses her house and while the kids and I can't pay for medical care. Our insurance company is a joke and a constant source of stress. Heather and Philip need their tonsils out. Ashley needs braces. I need more chelation. Luckily, Mike is able to trade computer services for most of his medical care.) Meanwhile Dad and Lee add on to their house (there are only two of them, how much room do two people need?) and remodel their kitchen....gotta have marble floors and more counter space. I know my attitude looks sick, and I didn't use to think that way. I used to think we should all try to be responsible and independent...Dad's money is for dad to use however he wants. He married a woman who spends money on vanity. He didn't seem happy at first, and that was a concern, but he seems happy now, and I'm happy for him. But the concern came when my stepmother asked me if I realize that the house I live in is hers. It was given to me by my grandmother. It is not hers. My husband has invested a lot in this house...my whole family has...under the presumption that it is ours. It was valued at $60,000 when we moved here, and my dad had wanted to bulldoze it down. We've put about $40,000 into it and a LOT of elbow grease. We've done everything ourselves with the help of friends. It's now valued at $135,000. My dad has failed to hand it over to us legally. I don't understand why. I've asked and it doesn't make sense to me. If we have to buy it from him at this point, we are paying for everything twice...and then some. The house is too small for our growing family. Mike wanted to add on, but Dad won't even do the paperwork to allow us to get a building permit. It aggravated Mike and now we are not allowed to talk about it. I've cut back on homeschooling so that we can function in our dining room/craft room/music room/homeschool room once again. I'm going to sell or give away all my homeschool supplies because I have no place to keep them. I'd prefer to study at the library anyway. I'm at my wits end trying to figure out a way to organize that would allow us to be able to homeschool without being totally overwhelmed again. But yet, they have built on a huge room to their home...bigger than my whole downstairs...and then tell me they can't even give Christmas gifts because it would mean loosing some interest on their investments. My dad has never been materialistic when it's come to belongings, but don't mess with his interest!! Oh yes, that almighty god... money. It means more to them than God, more to them than family. Whatever, more power to them, I would normally say. I just need to keep my focus on who my provider is. It's God, not them. But it sure does hurt to know they care so little for me and my kids. It's difficult on me emotionally to try to maintain a relationship with them. I understand that Dad wants to teach us responsibility. But I can't work because I'm ill, and I can't get better because I don't have the money...vicious circle. If I were the parent and my child was ill, I'd quit trying to teach them about responsibility until they are well enough to follow through with responsibility. I suppose he is still trying to punish me for having children without a college degree. Illness is what caused me to not be able to finish college, not the kids. And now we know it's something that might be treatable, so with treatment perhaps I can finish school and be something he could be proud of. If I were the parent , I'd also celebrate my grandchildren's achievements by at least being present, and maybe even a smile or a hug. I don't know what their problem is. My step mom says its just that she's already done enough of that sort of thing with her own grandchildren and great grandchildren, and she's finished doing it. My children don't count. I'm aware of the things she does for her own...and it hurts every time she leaves us out. It also hurts when she lies about it putting the blame on me. I sometimes think she believes her own lies. It's not doing me any good to dwell on it. I'm sick of wasting time trying to make a relationship better when they have shut me out and then say it's the other way around. Perhaps it is time to shut them out. That's what I want to do, but my conscience won't let me.
My grandmother left me this house because she appreciated me helping her when she needed help. She appreciated me spending time with her when she was lonely. She appreciated me having children. She told me she didn't want to leave this world until after she saw her first great grandchild. She called me every morning for months on end to ask if I was pregnant yet. I miss my grandmother. I wish she was still here. My mom? Well, there was no pleasing her. I could never be good enough. I'm glad she's not here to tell me what a failure I am when I'm not. We just saw life differently and I had different goals for myself than she had for me. I would have gladly met some of her goals that we shared, but I was not able due to illness. I was not able to ever please her, and her disappointment was painful. For that reason, I'm glad she is gone. I have vowed to not be that way with my children. I tell them often to seek to know what God would have them do with their lives. I tell them to pray that He will give them strength to do the things they need to do to follow through with His plan.
I dream of my home at the beach daily...of a life of fresh air, healthy relationships, lots of sunshine, a healthy mind and body. Mike and the kids are happy here. Someday his mother will die, and so will my stepmother. Probably sooner than later. They are up in years...60's and 80's, and are battling health issues. It seems to me that some people are too mean to die, and that seems to be the case with them. I scold myself. They are not mean. It's just that I have never learned how to relate to them in a healthy way. I know part of the fault lies with me. I'm working on that through counseling. I hate rejection and I hate abuse. I want to run as far away from that as possible.
Ahhh well...another morning gone. I better find something more productive to do. I was so healthy over the summer. It was the best time I'd had in years. I want to try to recreate everything in hopes I might have another window of health. Mike says the stress of tutoring caused me to crash. I'm inclined to think that the crash from the flu and chemical exposure is what caused tutoring to become stressful. As things were slipping, I was finding it more and more difficult to cope with Olivia crying for me while I was getting ready to leave. I had less and less energy to change my clothes every afternoon to go tutor. I was becoming resentful of the unrealistic expectations on me. Prior to that my attitude was that I'll just do what I can do and that's all I can do...lol. I became resentful that I'd been lied to about being paid, and that things were slipping at home because I no longer had the energy to do both. I was never paid. That hurt me somehow at a deeper level. Perhaps that could have been the trigger...learning after three weeks that I wasn't going to be paid and then trying to honor my word to do that job anyway. I lasted two more weeks before I just couldn't do it anymore. I suffered the humiliation of saying once again that I'm sorry, I just can't follow through. When I go to the school, the principal and my supervisor ask how I am. I feel guilty on days that I'm feeling well to admit it because I think I should be resuming my position at the school. On days I'm not well, I just can't cope with seeing anyone and try to stay hidden in my pajamas in the car.
Oh, what I'd do for a muscle massage right now...and a four course meal. A girl can dream can't she? I'll settle with the comfort of a warm bed (I have my heating pad) and a glass of water. My husband stays irritated with me. That deeply saddens my heart. I don't know what to do different. The best thing I think is if I talk as little as possible. I'm working on a some ideas for a schedule for me that keeps things simple and manageable. Perhaps I won't be doing all that people think I "should" but at least I'll be doing something and that's enough for me right now until I wake up and all is well again.
1. Reread and implement my detox diet plan (2 eggs, at least one salad, no wheat or soy)
2. Organize one thing each day (big or small depending on what I'm up to that day)
3. Do one thing that will make us a little more ready for Christmas (big or small)
4. Exercises: Start with Jumping Jacks. If I do that and want to do more, do the 5 Tibetan Rites. If I do that and want to do more, go to the YMCA to use their stretching contraption and walk 40 minutes maximum. If all I do are jumping jacks...it's ok...better than lying in bed.
5. Rub Mikes back or feet or both. This is soooo important. Makes all the difference in the world in how he feels towards me. We've not had sex in months. He doesn't even sleep in the bed with me anymore. He's got his own health issues to worry about (sleep apnea, high BP). Massages can bring us close and help him with his blood pressure. Oh how it hurts when I think of how he talks to me, so much irritation and disapproval in his tone. I've never learned to cope with that well...perhaps I'll get better at it...right now my heart is cold/protective. Massages don't have to involve talking. I'm practicing the art of silence.
6. Get my meds sorted and laid out for the week...and TAKE them!!!!
7. Write in my gratitude journal at least every other day, daily preferably, to keep my mind focused on what is good.
8. Go to bed on time and take something if I can't go to sleep the first hour.
That's 8 things, hopefully I can do that, and will start seeing improvement soon. I have lumps in my lymph system again. Mike would like for me to believe that this is all about stress. Stress doesn't cause lumps in my lymph system. It's not a topic we can discuss anymore. Nothing good comes from it. Sometimes I think we have a fake marriage. I've heard other people talk about their marriages and that makes mine seem like gold. I'm grateful for my husband and for his relationship with God. I wish our relationship was better, but no matter how hard I try, I'm not the person he wants me to be...maybe for short periods of time I am, but when it doesn't last, niether does his tolerance for me. He says he loves me. If love is sticking with commitment and providing for, then yes he loves me. If love is enjoying being together, growing together in the Lord, and working together to reach goals, then he doesn't love me. I'm grateful for what we have. I wish it were more. I get down on myself for being so difficult to love.
Looking forward to better days!
Marlena
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Christian Ways To Reduce Stress
An Angel says, "Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."
1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest (remember; Jesus slept more than Jesus wept).
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus."
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most.
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36 . Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.
GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)(reprint from a 360blog)
Let there be Light
1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest (remember; Jesus slept more than Jesus wept).
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus."
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most.
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36 . Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.
GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)(reprint from a 360blog)
Let there be Light
Crock Pot Chicken with Creamy Vegetables
A great 'comfort food' recipe with chicken, potatoes, and veggies all in one!
Category: Crockpot Chicken
Time to Prepare: 15 minutes
Time to Cook: 8 hours
Number of servings: 4
Ingredients:
2 pounds cubed chicken breasts
1 medium chopped onion
5 cups cubed potatoes
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 tsp garlic powder
½ tsp black pepper
½ cup water
4 cups frozen mixed vegetables
Instructions: Spray crockpot with non-stick cooking spray. Place chicken, onion, and potatoes in slow cooker. In a bowl, combine soups, garlic powder, pepper and water, pour into slow cooker. Cover and cook on low 8 hours. Add frozen mixed vegetables, cover and cook on high an additional 20-25 minutes.
Notes:
Category: Crockpot Chicken
Time to Prepare: 15 minutes
Time to Cook: 8 hours
Number of servings: 4
Ingredients:
2 pounds cubed chicken breasts
1 medium chopped onion
5 cups cubed potatoes
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 tsp garlic powder
½ tsp black pepper
½ cup water
4 cups frozen mixed vegetables
Instructions: Spray crockpot with non-stick cooking spray. Place chicken, onion, and potatoes in slow cooker. In a bowl, combine soups, garlic powder, pepper and water, pour into slow cooker. Cover and cook on low 8 hours. Add frozen mixed vegetables, cover and cook on high an additional 20-25 minutes.
Notes:
White Bean Soup Recipe
White Bean Soup
Courtesy of our free Healthy Vegetarian Recipes newsletter.
2 tsp olive oil
1 cup chopped onion
3 garlic cloves, crushed
2 (14.5-ounce) cans no-salt-added whole tomatoes,undrained and chopped
1 (16-ounce) can garbanzo beans, drained1 (16-ounce) can soybeans, drained
1 (14 1/2-ounce) can veggie broth
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper ( optional)
3/4 tsp dried oregano
1/4 tsp pepper
1 bunch cilantro (about 2 cups)
1 can enchilada sauce
Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add onion and garlic, and sauté 4 minutes or until tender. Add tomatoes and next 6 ingredients (tomatoes through pepper), and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, add chopped cilantro and 1 CUP enchilada sauce and simmer 5 minutes. Ladle into bowls, and sprinkle with cheese if you want.
Courtesy of our free Healthy Vegetarian Recipes newsletter.
2 tsp olive oil
1 cup chopped onion
3 garlic cloves, crushed
2 (14.5-ounce) cans no-salt-added whole tomatoes,undrained and chopped
1 (16-ounce) can garbanzo beans, drained1 (16-ounce) can soybeans, drained
1 (14 1/2-ounce) can veggie broth
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper ( optional)
3/4 tsp dried oregano
1/4 tsp pepper
1 bunch cilantro (about 2 cups)
1 can enchilada sauce
Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add onion and garlic, and sauté 4 minutes or until tender. Add tomatoes and next 6 ingredients (tomatoes through pepper), and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, add chopped cilantro and 1 CUP enchilada sauce and simmer 5 minutes. Ladle into bowls, and sprinkle with cheese if you want.
O God Help Me!!!!!
1. I'm in so much pain today. My request is for relief, and for God to reveal to me what His plan is for me today. I hate when the end of the day comes and I feel terrible for squandering it away. Perhaps I could work on addressing Christmas card envelopes.
2. I'm being made aware of so many needs... people in my cell group not able to buy gifts for kids, a fellow sufferer of mcs stranded in Hawaii not able to save enough money for a plane ticket back to the states, third world countries making the opportunity available for others to buy animals for them to raise and eat, etc. I'm so confused. I want to pay our debt off. I want the chaos to stop...for everything to be in order, and for there to be a clear plan of action.
Angie (my counselor) says the chaos is from me using so much energy to avoid stress and chemicals that there is none left over for managing. That's not it at all. I'm convinced there is some sort of interference with my brain function...be it damage from the high levels of lead, or perhaps inflammation from chemical exposures, or whatever. I'm paralyzed today from pain and not knowing what to do/not do. I want to cry..and that doesn't help. I NEED simplicity. I need mental relief from over stimulation. I try to break things down to one step at a time to not be overwhelmed. I've been trying to allow enough time to pace myself. Things that are so simple for others are so hard for me. My request is for God to lead me and to fix my brain!!! I feel selfish asking...like I've asked so many times, and the obvious answer is no or He would have intervened, so to keep asking makes me a nag. I'm hurting. I want so much to be a good mom, wife, and Christian. I feel like giving up. Giving up doesn't solve anything either. But it does make things more simple...brings me relief. It's easier not to care. I can't even think straight to take my medications. I need help remembering to pick my kids up from school. Lord, please help me. I'm so sick.
3. Mike is not well. His BP is through the roof. How can I sit here doing nothing while he is killing himself to take care of us all.? Next year I want to be prepared to go back to homeschooling. It's what I believe to be best for the kids and for our family as a whole. The kids are exhausted from lack of sleep and we have such little family time together with everyone going a different direction all day long with school and music practices/play practices, church stuff every day of the week. The housework and childcare is falling on Ashley because Heather and Philip are no longer available to do their part. It's as if school has become our god. Everyday we are racing the clock. I hate it. I miss the flexibility and effectiveness of homeschooling. I miss Mike coming home to a clean house and dinner on the table. I miss having energy left over to rub his tense shoulders and sore feet. It feels like we are in the rat race now with everyone else and all the stress it brings. I could do without the tuition bills and superficial relationships as well.
4. Mike has made Christmas plans with his mother and with Heidi. I've had so many disastrous experiences with them and don't have any reason to think that this year is going to be any different. I want to do it for Mike, but worry that I'll just end up making things worse. My prayer is that God will control the situations and strengthen me to cope with the head games. I feel so powerless. Why can't he love me and the kids enough to say no to them? Whatever. I'm hoping I'll die before Christmas. Happy Birthday Jesus. I'm playing around with the idea of running away from home until the holidays are over. Mike can hate me but at least I'll still be alive to ask forgiveness. Why can't I just be normal and play the games like everyone else?
5. Why is there no option for privacy here? Dang..now I have to erase it all. Can't some people blog just for themselves without the intention of other people reading everything? I'm so burned out..adrenal exhaustion is what it is called. Oh what I'd do to be allowed to go to sleep and wake up after Christmas when the world is sane again and expectations are manageable. Yep...suicide. That's all I can think of right now. Relief, escape, take the pressure off. If anyone does read this, they will laugh thinking what in the world I have to be stressed about. I have the perfect life, all needs met, love, precious children, etc. Well, that's the physical world. But there is another world. An inside world...a mental/emotional world. That is where all the stress/chaos is. Nobody else can see it and I'm not allowed to talk about it. All I'm allowed to say is "I'm not well." No tears, no explanations. I'm supposed to say, "I'm not well" and then function like I am well.
I'm NOT well. Nor can I act well. Suicide is looking better and better each minute that passes getting closer and closer to Christmas. Survival? I have to go somewhere. And then I worry I may not be able to face my family to come back. I'm always the problem causer. I'm always messing up and being a poor example.
Anyone out there that can help? please do. I'd prefer this post to be private, but since it's not, I'd like to hear how other people would make this better if it were them? I can't unbirth my children or unmarry my husband to have a more simple life. I can't make myself feel unvulnerable to my mother-in-law or my husband's best friend's girlfriend. Heck, I can't even tell my husband I'm not going to NC without creating WWIII. I used to go into the hospital when feeling like this, but that just puts us further in debt and doesn't solve anything either. I used to not want to kill myself because funeral expenses are so high, but we already owe way more than that, what's another $10,000?
My family? They don't give a rip. My sister told me that I'm reaping what I've sown. I've made decisions and I'm paying the price. Let's see...I decided to follow God. I cannot imagine how that is the wrong choice, but sometimes like now it sure looks that way. The answer to me seems to get as far away from people like her, my inlaws, and friends of friends who enjoy nothing more than bossing people around and putting others down to make themselves feel superior. My father would rather watch me suffer than lift a finger to help. It's all about learning life's lessons. I didn't marry rich...rule #1. I didn't finish collage..never mind that it was due to illness out of my control...it still needs to be punished. I had more than 2 children, and on purpose!!! Shame on me. Kids aren't worth the trouble they cause....that's what my step mom tells me. Sick woman...that's all I have to say. She can spend money like it's beans, and pride herself in watching us do without as punishment for me getting pregnant after she told me not to. She wants more and more and more...insatiable. I wouldn't care if it didn't mean that we can't get medical care without going further into debt. Selfish bitch. I just have a problem with people who care more about things than people. I always have. I can see it as a twisted illness, but I certainly don't want to go there and be treated as less important than a vase or a floor tile. I won't go back...ever. They can choke on their money and die for all I care. They've made it clear over and over and over again that they don't care about me or my kids. It hurts, and I'm tired of hurting. But yet...gotta have something to give them for Christmas. I hate playing this stupid game. Rips me of any self respect I might have left. The question that matters is what does God want? What honors him? It's his birthday after all. The answer? I have no clue. I just know that even if I wanted to, I can't seem to stay well enough to play the game this year. I thought getting stuff done ahead of time would lessen the stress...but the closer we get to D-day, the worse I am.
I already have it planned out where I can go. I just don't want to be the cause of more problems. I'm starting to feel like I don't have a choice. I can't function here. Mike needs a new wife who can manage the bank accounts, clean and organize the house, do the grocery shopping, pay attention to him, get the kids to school and back, and cook wholesome delicious meals. What he doesn't need is me making things worse. My prayer everyday is for God to make me into that person, or to get me out of here to make room for that person whoever she is.
2. I'm being made aware of so many needs... people in my cell group not able to buy gifts for kids, a fellow sufferer of mcs stranded in Hawaii not able to save enough money for a plane ticket back to the states, third world countries making the opportunity available for others to buy animals for them to raise and eat, etc. I'm so confused. I want to pay our debt off. I want the chaos to stop...for everything to be in order, and for there to be a clear plan of action.
Angie (my counselor) says the chaos is from me using so much energy to avoid stress and chemicals that there is none left over for managing. That's not it at all. I'm convinced there is some sort of interference with my brain function...be it damage from the high levels of lead, or perhaps inflammation from chemical exposures, or whatever. I'm paralyzed today from pain and not knowing what to do/not do. I want to cry..and that doesn't help. I NEED simplicity. I need mental relief from over stimulation. I try to break things down to one step at a time to not be overwhelmed. I've been trying to allow enough time to pace myself. Things that are so simple for others are so hard for me. My request is for God to lead me and to fix my brain!!! I feel selfish asking...like I've asked so many times, and the obvious answer is no or He would have intervened, so to keep asking makes me a nag. I'm hurting. I want so much to be a good mom, wife, and Christian. I feel like giving up. Giving up doesn't solve anything either. But it does make things more simple...brings me relief. It's easier not to care. I can't even think straight to take my medications. I need help remembering to pick my kids up from school. Lord, please help me. I'm so sick.
3. Mike is not well. His BP is through the roof. How can I sit here doing nothing while he is killing himself to take care of us all.? Next year I want to be prepared to go back to homeschooling. It's what I believe to be best for the kids and for our family as a whole. The kids are exhausted from lack of sleep and we have such little family time together with everyone going a different direction all day long with school and music practices/play practices, church stuff every day of the week. The housework and childcare is falling on Ashley because Heather and Philip are no longer available to do their part. It's as if school has become our god. Everyday we are racing the clock. I hate it. I miss the flexibility and effectiveness of homeschooling. I miss Mike coming home to a clean house and dinner on the table. I miss having energy left over to rub his tense shoulders and sore feet. It feels like we are in the rat race now with everyone else and all the stress it brings. I could do without the tuition bills and superficial relationships as well.
4. Mike has made Christmas plans with his mother and with Heidi. I've had so many disastrous experiences with them and don't have any reason to think that this year is going to be any different. I want to do it for Mike, but worry that I'll just end up making things worse. My prayer is that God will control the situations and strengthen me to cope with the head games. I feel so powerless. Why can't he love me and the kids enough to say no to them? Whatever. I'm hoping I'll die before Christmas. Happy Birthday Jesus. I'm playing around with the idea of running away from home until the holidays are over. Mike can hate me but at least I'll still be alive to ask forgiveness. Why can't I just be normal and play the games like everyone else?
5. Why is there no option for privacy here? Dang..now I have to erase it all. Can't some people blog just for themselves without the intention of other people reading everything? I'm so burned out..adrenal exhaustion is what it is called. Oh what I'd do to be allowed to go to sleep and wake up after Christmas when the world is sane again and expectations are manageable. Yep...suicide. That's all I can think of right now. Relief, escape, take the pressure off. If anyone does read this, they will laugh thinking what in the world I have to be stressed about. I have the perfect life, all needs met, love, precious children, etc. Well, that's the physical world. But there is another world. An inside world...a mental/emotional world. That is where all the stress/chaos is. Nobody else can see it and I'm not allowed to talk about it. All I'm allowed to say is "I'm not well." No tears, no explanations. I'm supposed to say, "I'm not well" and then function like I am well.
I'm NOT well. Nor can I act well. Suicide is looking better and better each minute that passes getting closer and closer to Christmas. Survival? I have to go somewhere. And then I worry I may not be able to face my family to come back. I'm always the problem causer. I'm always messing up and being a poor example.
Anyone out there that can help? please do. I'd prefer this post to be private, but since it's not, I'd like to hear how other people would make this better if it were them? I can't unbirth my children or unmarry my husband to have a more simple life. I can't make myself feel unvulnerable to my mother-in-law or my husband's best friend's girlfriend. Heck, I can't even tell my husband I'm not going to NC without creating WWIII. I used to go into the hospital when feeling like this, but that just puts us further in debt and doesn't solve anything either. I used to not want to kill myself because funeral expenses are so high, but we already owe way more than that, what's another $10,000?
My family? They don't give a rip. My sister told me that I'm reaping what I've sown. I've made decisions and I'm paying the price. Let's see...I decided to follow God. I cannot imagine how that is the wrong choice, but sometimes like now it sure looks that way. The answer to me seems to get as far away from people like her, my inlaws, and friends of friends who enjoy nothing more than bossing people around and putting others down to make themselves feel superior. My father would rather watch me suffer than lift a finger to help. It's all about learning life's lessons. I didn't marry rich...rule #1. I didn't finish collage..never mind that it was due to illness out of my control...it still needs to be punished. I had more than 2 children, and on purpose!!! Shame on me. Kids aren't worth the trouble they cause....that's what my step mom tells me. Sick woman...that's all I have to say. She can spend money like it's beans, and pride herself in watching us do without as punishment for me getting pregnant after she told me not to. She wants more and more and more...insatiable. I wouldn't care if it didn't mean that we can't get medical care without going further into debt. Selfish bitch. I just have a problem with people who care more about things than people. I always have. I can see it as a twisted illness, but I certainly don't want to go there and be treated as less important than a vase or a floor tile. I won't go back...ever. They can choke on their money and die for all I care. They've made it clear over and over and over again that they don't care about me or my kids. It hurts, and I'm tired of hurting. But yet...gotta have something to give them for Christmas. I hate playing this stupid game. Rips me of any self respect I might have left. The question that matters is what does God want? What honors him? It's his birthday after all. The answer? I have no clue. I just know that even if I wanted to, I can't seem to stay well enough to play the game this year. I thought getting stuff done ahead of time would lessen the stress...but the closer we get to D-day, the worse I am.
I already have it planned out where I can go. I just don't want to be the cause of more problems. I'm starting to feel like I don't have a choice. I can't function here. Mike needs a new wife who can manage the bank accounts, clean and organize the house, do the grocery shopping, pay attention to him, get the kids to school and back, and cook wholesome delicious meals. What he doesn't need is me making things worse. My prayer everyday is for God to make me into that person, or to get me out of here to make room for that person whoever she is.
Gratitude Journal 12-5-07
1. Let it Snow! We woke to an inch of snow and it's still coming down. It's so beautiful.
2. I went to the new cell group Steve started. People shared a little about their backgrounds and why they are at the group. I'm able to see that we all have a past and struggles. We all need healing and growth.
3. My new counselor made a treatment plan for me. She and I are both hopeful that we can work on a few things that will help with social stress. She also wants to teach me what I need to know to parent my teens and help them feel comfortable with their sexual development. She wants to borrow the book I'm working through right now called Caring Enough to Confront. I'm grateful that she wants to work with me, and grateful that she seems to like and respect me and thinks she can help me.
4. My friend likes to put up Christmas lights. Nobody here wants to decorate our tree...feels too much like work. So, I have the idea to invite Steve over and make a decorating party of it.
5. This might not sound like a gratitude, but it is... Mike's mom called this morning before 7am. She has become a daily part of our lives again. (Weekly, I can handle, daily, I cannot). Mike said his blood pressure shot way up when she called. What I'm grateful for is that we are both on the same page again about limiting contact with her. I'm looking forward to the day I'm strong enough to relate to her on a daily basis and still be able to function in other areas of my life.
2. I went to the new cell group Steve started. People shared a little about their backgrounds and why they are at the group. I'm able to see that we all have a past and struggles. We all need healing and growth.
3. My new counselor made a treatment plan for me. She and I are both hopeful that we can work on a few things that will help with social stress. She also wants to teach me what I need to know to parent my teens and help them feel comfortable with their sexual development. She wants to borrow the book I'm working through right now called Caring Enough to Confront. I'm grateful that she wants to work with me, and grateful that she seems to like and respect me and thinks she can help me.
4. My friend likes to put up Christmas lights. Nobody here wants to decorate our tree...feels too much like work. So, I have the idea to invite Steve over and make a decorating party of it.
5. This might not sound like a gratitude, but it is... Mike's mom called this morning before 7am. She has become a daily part of our lives again. (Weekly, I can handle, daily, I cannot). Mike said his blood pressure shot way up when she called. What I'm grateful for is that we are both on the same page again about limiting contact with her. I'm looking forward to the day I'm strong enough to relate to her on a daily basis and still be able to function in other areas of my life.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Pokemon Cards on Ebay
This is side-splitting funny...as I'm relating to so much. I only have 4 kids in my brood...and only three when they were younger. Shopping was nearly impossible. I remember trying to balance a cooler on top of the double stroller, carry at 24 pack of sodas, push the stroller, and try to smile as everyone gawked as I tried to fill my responsibilty to provide drinks for our homeschool mom's group meeting that evening. These days they have buggies equiped for kids and groceries. For that, I'm sure a lot of moms are extreemly grateful. I only have one young one now...and three that are big enough to push buggies. I can split my grocery list up and let them have at it. I LOVE shopping with my kids now. It DOES get better. Anyhow....enjoy:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=130144061675#ebayphotohosting
This ebay seller has a blog at mom2my6pack.blogspot.com
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=130144061675#ebayphotohosting
This ebay seller has a blog at mom2my6pack.blogspot.com
How to Have A Merry Christmas
How to Have a Merry Christmas
Dear Friends,
A friend was kind enough to share some great little tips from a pastor friend of his near Boston on how to have a great holiday this year. I'd like to pass them on to you and encourage you to put them into practice.
1. If Christmas cards aren't fun to send, don't send them. But if they are fun, send only as many as are fun, then stop!
2. Don't bury the kids under piles of loot. Why turn happy, excited little children into sweaty, bored little gluttons?
3. Do not borrow money to spend on Christmas! Jesus is in charge of our economics. If He wants us to celebrate His birthday on the cheap this year, then that had better be fine with us!
4. Feasting is good. Gorging is bad.
5. Ignore holiday suggestions in magazines that look like work. They only put them in there because they had to fill the December issue with something!
6. Ignore other people's expectations. It's not their birthday!
7. Ignore the nagging guilt about making Christmas perfect. Christmas is perfect already, thank you very much, and our families will think so too, if we celebrate with gratitude and contentment.
8. Ignore the gloom and doom whining about how commercialized and secularized Christmas is getting. Instead, think about how the retail industry's entire financial existence depends on the celebration of Jesus̢۪ birthday!
Think about how many hordes of people have been packed into stores listening to music about our Savior! You can't buy that kind of advertising! Finally, think about how amazing it is that pictures of Happy Families are the best way for stores to sell stuff. Isn't that better than the junky pictures they use the rest of the year???
9. Imagine, if there's no treadmill, no guilt, no exhaustion, no indigestion, and no debt, you'll have more energy than you can imagine to give thanks to God for His precious Son!
Here's another list from http://www.cbn.com/ ...a bit more overwhelming, but good advice:
1. Set manageable expectations. Spend some time now setting realistic and manageable expectations for your holiday season. Understand that you can’t do everything! Be realistic about what you can do. Make a priority list of your most important events and activities for you and your family. Then, pace yourself. Organize your time. Keep in mind that it’s the holiday “season” (not “day”) and spread out your activities to lessen stress and increase enjoyment.
2. Remember the holiday season does not eliminate sadness or loneliness. Problems and difficulties arise even during the holiday season. And, for some, the holiday season evokes painful memories of events or the loss of loved ones in the past. Give room for yourself and your family to experience these feelings. Try not to let them become a consuming focus. Make an effort to work through present challenges and conflicts.
3. Acknowledge the past, but look toward the future. Life brings changes. Each season of life is different. Determine to enjoy this holiday season for what it is. Acknowledging the past, whether it was good or bad, is appropriate. But, if you find that this year has been a rough one and you don’t anticipate having the best holiday season ever, try not to set yourself up by comparing today with the “good old days.” Take advantage of the joys the present holiday season has to offer.
4. Develop and encourage a life of gratitude. Gratitude is an attribute that transcends circumstances. No matter what your circumstances, I believe there is reason to be thankful in them. Your circumstances may never change, but your attitude toward them can change … and this can make all the difference. Christians have a special reason to adopt the attitude of gratitude, because we know that whatever comes, our times are in God's hands. It was Jesus who said, in effect, "So don't be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow, too." (See Matthew 6:34.)
If you want to help your kids develop an attitude of gratitude, I encourage you to try an experiment that might radically influence your family. It’s called “Thank Therapy.” Thank Therapy is simply focusing on the many things in your life for which you can be thankful. Get started by having each family member create individual lists, of “Twenty Reasons Why I’m Thankful.” Thank Therapy is simply an act of the will to concentrate on the good and not the bad.
5. Do something for someone else. One of the ways we can demonstrate that we are grateful to God for His many blessings is to help others. To get more out of this holiday season, try getting involved in serving others. For some great ideas, read HomeWord’s free online article, "Helping Others at the Holiday Season."
6. Enjoy activities that are cheap or free. There are many good holiday-related activities that will add to your family’s enjoyment, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations, baking Christmas cookies, going window-shopping, and playing in the snow.
7. Enjoy a family holiday tradition. Traditions provide opportunities to keep your family’s legacy going. They create meaningful memories. So, from the silly to the sentimental, if your family has some holiday traditions, if possible, be sure to include them in your holiday activity plans.
8. Try something new. Celebrate the holidays in a new way. You may just create a new tradition that will keep going for generations!
9. Spend money responsibly. The holiday season brings with it a big temptation to spend money beyond your means and to rack up significant credit card debt, especially when it comes to purchasing Christmas presents for your family. Just say no! While your family may be thrilled by your gifts on Christmas Day, don’t forget that come springtime, your kids may well have laid aside or forgotten those gifts, even while you’re struggling to make the payments. Decide now to be financially responsible this holiday season!
10. Carve out some time for yourself! Don’t take on all of the responsibilities of your family’s holiday celebrations by yourself. Share the load. Create some space during the holidays for you to recharge your own batteries.
Dear Friends,
A friend was kind enough to share some great little tips from a pastor friend of his near Boston on how to have a great holiday this year. I'd like to pass them on to you and encourage you to put them into practice.
1. If Christmas cards aren't fun to send, don't send them. But if they are fun, send only as many as are fun, then stop!
2. Don't bury the kids under piles of loot. Why turn happy, excited little children into sweaty, bored little gluttons?
3. Do not borrow money to spend on Christmas! Jesus is in charge of our economics. If He wants us to celebrate His birthday on the cheap this year, then that had better be fine with us!
4. Feasting is good. Gorging is bad.
5. Ignore holiday suggestions in magazines that look like work. They only put them in there because they had to fill the December issue with something!
6. Ignore other people's expectations. It's not their birthday!
7. Ignore the nagging guilt about making Christmas perfect. Christmas is perfect already, thank you very much, and our families will think so too, if we celebrate with gratitude and contentment.
8. Ignore the gloom and doom whining about how commercialized and secularized Christmas is getting. Instead, think about how the retail industry's entire financial existence depends on the celebration of Jesus̢۪ birthday!
Think about how many hordes of people have been packed into stores listening to music about our Savior! You can't buy that kind of advertising! Finally, think about how amazing it is that pictures of Happy Families are the best way for stores to sell stuff. Isn't that better than the junky pictures they use the rest of the year???
9. Imagine, if there's no treadmill, no guilt, no exhaustion, no indigestion, and no debt, you'll have more energy than you can imagine to give thanks to God for His precious Son!
Here's another list from http://www.cbn.com/ ...a bit more overwhelming, but good advice:
1. Set manageable expectations. Spend some time now setting realistic and manageable expectations for your holiday season. Understand that you can’t do everything! Be realistic about what you can do. Make a priority list of your most important events and activities for you and your family. Then, pace yourself. Organize your time. Keep in mind that it’s the holiday “season” (not “day”) and spread out your activities to lessen stress and increase enjoyment.
2. Remember the holiday season does not eliminate sadness or loneliness. Problems and difficulties arise even during the holiday season. And, for some, the holiday season evokes painful memories of events or the loss of loved ones in the past. Give room for yourself and your family to experience these feelings. Try not to let them become a consuming focus. Make an effort to work through present challenges and conflicts.
3. Acknowledge the past, but look toward the future. Life brings changes. Each season of life is different. Determine to enjoy this holiday season for what it is. Acknowledging the past, whether it was good or bad, is appropriate. But, if you find that this year has been a rough one and you don’t anticipate having the best holiday season ever, try not to set yourself up by comparing today with the “good old days.” Take advantage of the joys the present holiday season has to offer.
4. Develop and encourage a life of gratitude. Gratitude is an attribute that transcends circumstances. No matter what your circumstances, I believe there is reason to be thankful in them. Your circumstances may never change, but your attitude toward them can change … and this can make all the difference. Christians have a special reason to adopt the attitude of gratitude, because we know that whatever comes, our times are in God's hands. It was Jesus who said, in effect, "So don't be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow, too." (See Matthew 6:34.)
If you want to help your kids develop an attitude of gratitude, I encourage you to try an experiment that might radically influence your family. It’s called “Thank Therapy.” Thank Therapy is simply focusing on the many things in your life for which you can be thankful. Get started by having each family member create individual lists, of “Twenty Reasons Why I’m Thankful.” Thank Therapy is simply an act of the will to concentrate on the good and not the bad.
5. Do something for someone else. One of the ways we can demonstrate that we are grateful to God for His many blessings is to help others. To get more out of this holiday season, try getting involved in serving others. For some great ideas, read HomeWord’s free online article, "Helping Others at the Holiday Season."
6. Enjoy activities that are cheap or free. There are many good holiday-related activities that will add to your family’s enjoyment, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations, baking Christmas cookies, going window-shopping, and playing in the snow.
7. Enjoy a family holiday tradition. Traditions provide opportunities to keep your family’s legacy going. They create meaningful memories. So, from the silly to the sentimental, if your family has some holiday traditions, if possible, be sure to include them in your holiday activity plans.
8. Try something new. Celebrate the holidays in a new way. You may just create a new tradition that will keep going for generations!
9. Spend money responsibly. The holiday season brings with it a big temptation to spend money beyond your means and to rack up significant credit card debt, especially when it comes to purchasing Christmas presents for your family. Just say no! While your family may be thrilled by your gifts on Christmas Day, don’t forget that come springtime, your kids may well have laid aside or forgotten those gifts, even while you’re struggling to make the payments. Decide now to be financially responsible this holiday season!
10. Carve out some time for yourself! Don’t take on all of the responsibilities of your family’s holiday celebrations by yourself. Share the load. Create some space during the holidays for you to recharge your own batteries.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
I Need Help!
I have to get away from my mother-in-law if I'm going to function to take care of my home and kids. I've tried to keep a sparse relationship with her...but with the holidays and her needing my input on Christmas shopping, Ashley making things to sell in the craft fair, her going to the same health club as me, along with the weekly visits that I've allowed, I just can't handle it anymore. I'm beginning to wonder again if her intent is to destroy me.
She knows I don't watch the news because I have adrenal failure. I cannot even tolerate watching fictional shows that are stressful. She comes to my home and tells me of a two year old baby who was beaten to death and her head held in a toilet because she didn't say please and thankyou. Then she tells me about a friend of hers who took a shower knowing her friend was taking a sheet out behind the barn to kill herself...and succeeded. Then on the way to the Christmas party last night she called to tell me that her neighbor that I knew shot himself behind his barn. Needless to say I'm ill again. I hope she is happy. I can't stand this. Could she be doing this on purpose, or is this paranoia on my part. I just can't stand to be around her. But that doesn't matter to anyone. I'm supposed to grow a tougher skin. I can't ok. That is what illness is about. If I could make myself well, I certainly would. I'd like to be able to choose who I spend time with. But my husband's holiday plans, and my children's desire to have a relationship with their grandmother, and my desire to not rock the boat, all keep me in the sick, sick, sick relationship.
My husband's answer is to take more muscle relaxers, more valarian root, more cortizone, etc. It's not the answer. I'm feeling desperate again to simplify my life so I can cope with it. That means getting my inconsiderate mother in law out of it. That means staying home more...no more Christmas parties. It's only December 2nd, and I've been to three Christmas parties.
I'm stressed because my husband gets ticked with me when I'm ill. He tells me not to talk about it...just to announce that I'm not well. But then when I can't function enough to cook meals or take care of the baby, I can tell he's aggitated. I feel horrible like it's my fault. It's difficult to be better some days and worse others. Nobody knows what to expect. When I'm well, I'm so grateful for nomalcy at least for a while. But then when I crash, I wish I was ill all the time to have some sort of consistency. I hate disappointing the kids. Like today, I was supposed to take Philip shopping for a gift for a kid in his class. I just couldn't do it. Ashley wants me to take her to get some stampers to make Christmas cards. Not only could I not do that, but she ended up taking care of Olivia all day. Olivia has been sick all week. I just don't have the strength to take care of her, and I'm very dizzy.
It's all so frustrating. My husband thinks it's my fault she is sick too...blames me for not taking her to the doctor. I can't do it...just can't. Everything is my fault always. I can't cope, and I can't help it. I want to die to get off this rollercoaster. I realize that my life belongs to the Lord. It's not mine to take. I try to live for Him. Whatever I'm capable of or not capable of is in His hands. My prayer is for relief.
Please pray. And I'm open for advice. If anyone ever reads my blog, please respond.
I realize I write this blog mainly for myself and probably don't have any readers. But if I do, I'd like to know.
Sorry to post the "down stuff". I'm really not down all the time...but it does happen. And when it does, I need to work through the issues so that they don't have such a negative impact on me the next time I get down.
She knows I don't watch the news because I have adrenal failure. I cannot even tolerate watching fictional shows that are stressful. She comes to my home and tells me of a two year old baby who was beaten to death and her head held in a toilet because she didn't say please and thankyou. Then she tells me about a friend of hers who took a shower knowing her friend was taking a sheet out behind the barn to kill herself...and succeeded. Then on the way to the Christmas party last night she called to tell me that her neighbor that I knew shot himself behind his barn. Needless to say I'm ill again. I hope she is happy. I can't stand this. Could she be doing this on purpose, or is this paranoia on my part. I just can't stand to be around her. But that doesn't matter to anyone. I'm supposed to grow a tougher skin. I can't ok. That is what illness is about. If I could make myself well, I certainly would. I'd like to be able to choose who I spend time with. But my husband's holiday plans, and my children's desire to have a relationship with their grandmother, and my desire to not rock the boat, all keep me in the sick, sick, sick relationship.
My husband's answer is to take more muscle relaxers, more valarian root, more cortizone, etc. It's not the answer. I'm feeling desperate again to simplify my life so I can cope with it. That means getting my inconsiderate mother in law out of it. That means staying home more...no more Christmas parties. It's only December 2nd, and I've been to three Christmas parties.
I'm stressed because my husband gets ticked with me when I'm ill. He tells me not to talk about it...just to announce that I'm not well. But then when I can't function enough to cook meals or take care of the baby, I can tell he's aggitated. I feel horrible like it's my fault. It's difficult to be better some days and worse others. Nobody knows what to expect. When I'm well, I'm so grateful for nomalcy at least for a while. But then when I crash, I wish I was ill all the time to have some sort of consistency. I hate disappointing the kids. Like today, I was supposed to take Philip shopping for a gift for a kid in his class. I just couldn't do it. Ashley wants me to take her to get some stampers to make Christmas cards. Not only could I not do that, but she ended up taking care of Olivia all day. Olivia has been sick all week. I just don't have the strength to take care of her, and I'm very dizzy.
It's all so frustrating. My husband thinks it's my fault she is sick too...blames me for not taking her to the doctor. I can't do it...just can't. Everything is my fault always. I can't cope, and I can't help it. I want to die to get off this rollercoaster. I realize that my life belongs to the Lord. It's not mine to take. I try to live for Him. Whatever I'm capable of or not capable of is in His hands. My prayer is for relief.
Please pray. And I'm open for advice. If anyone ever reads my blog, please respond.
I realize I write this blog mainly for myself and probably don't have any readers. But if I do, I'd like to know.
Sorry to post the "down stuff". I'm really not down all the time...but it does happen. And when it does, I need to work through the issues so that they don't have such a negative impact on me the next time I get down.
Grocery List
Breakfasts:
Eggs
Waffles
Bisquits
Toast
Pancakes
Cheerios
Bacon
Pineapple
Bananas
Apples
Lemons
Grapefruit
Oranges
Lunches:
PBJ sandwhiches
Doritos
Tostitos
Lays Classic
Pretzles
Pringles
Cheese Puffs
Apples
Lemons
Plums
Personal Pizzas
Progresso Chicken Noodle
Peanut butter celery
Pizza Rolls
Ravioli
Dinner:
Roast with Potatoes, Onion, Celery, and Carrots
Macaroni & Cheese
Little Ceaser's Pizza
Homemade Pizza
Spaghetti
Taco Salad
Cream of Chicken Noodles
Potato Wedges
Chicken Quesadeas
Salami Sandwiches
Grilled Steaks
Grilled Burgers
Chili
Cut Veggies:
peppers
cucumbers
carrots
celery
tomatoes
olives
pickles
cauliflower
Snacks:
Yogurt
Popcorn
IceCream
Crackers & Cheese
Cashews
Mom's Stuff:
Cranberry Juice
Ground Turkey
Frozen Berries
Flax Seeds
Eggs
Waffles
Bisquits
Toast
Pancakes
Cheerios
Bacon
Pineapple
Bananas
Apples
Lemons
Grapefruit
Oranges
Lunches:
PBJ sandwhiches
Doritos
Tostitos
Lays Classic
Pretzles
Pringles
Cheese Puffs
Apples
Lemons
Plums
Personal Pizzas
Progresso Chicken Noodle
Peanut butter celery
Pizza Rolls
Ravioli
Dinner:
Roast with Potatoes, Onion, Celery, and Carrots
Macaroni & Cheese
Little Ceaser's Pizza
Homemade Pizza
Spaghetti
Taco Salad
Cream of Chicken Noodles
Potato Wedges
Chicken Quesadeas
Salami Sandwiches
Grilled Steaks
Grilled Burgers
Chili
Cut Veggies:
peppers
cucumbers
carrots
celery
tomatoes
olives
pickles
cauliflower
Snacks:
Yogurt
Popcorn
IceCream
Crackers & Cheese
Cashews
Mom's Stuff:
Cranberry Juice
Ground Turkey
Frozen Berries
Flax Seeds
What Are Parents Thinking?!?!?
I was very saddened and frustrated at a Christmas party last night for several reasons.
1. I was excited that instead of a gift exchange among ourselves, I was told that we were to bring gifts to be given to a needy family in our church. My husband told me I had $25 to spend. I searched Goodwill, consignment shops, and my home for gifts for the three year old boy that matched his interests. Then my husband went to Target to pick up the odds and ends to complete the gifts...like slides to go with the view master, a remote to go with the monster truck, a stuffed dinosaur to go with the Land Before Time video, etc. We were also told that there would be a box for monetary donations. Upon arriving at the party, I asked about the box because I had $10 left of our budget to donate. I was told we would do that later, and then later was told it was forgotten. I was the only one to bring gifts for the needy family, and the children at the party demolished them...opened the new gifts out of their packages, tore the pages in some of the books, trampled them and scattered them about in different rooms and left them.
2. Some of the other families were dressed to the hilt. I felt out of place in my normal everyday clothes. I don't own fancy clothes, nor am I sure I want to. I also felt that the families were rude who would not make room for our family to sit. I wanted to leave after that. I wasn't there for the food or to show off my outfit. I thought this was going to be about celebrating Jesus and blessing another family in our church.
3. I sat briefly (before being asked to move) with a friend from my childhood that I'd not seen in about 20 years. She was there with her six year old who was also very rude and kept saying he wanted to home and blow up people on his video games. She was telling me that he is addicted to these games and there is nothing she can do about it because her aunt buys him adult games. I was in shock. He is six years old. She is his mother. I remember the struggle I had with my mother-in-law and the lengths I went to to raise my children away from her negative controlling influence. I know it's wrong for me to judge, but I wanted to shake her and say, "What is wrong with you?!?!?!" He is six, you are his mother. It's your responsibility to protect him, train him, love him!! Do parents not have any sense of responsibility for raising their children anymore?
4. I tried to re-collect the toys the children were destroying that were for the family we were going to bless, and was told it didn't matter...the recipient was only three and wasn't going to notice or care if his gifts have already been opened and torn up. What I heard was that they didn't want to be bothered with entertaining their own kids and telling the kids to leave what doesn't belong to them alone.
5. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I cleared the tables, helped put away the chairs, and then I left the toys with the kids because they were still playing and I was told to chill out about it. As I was praying this morning about my attitude, the Lord showed me that the family we were going to bless was one that I know personally. I'll use the $10 left from the budget to shop again and deliver the gifts personally to their home.
6. I have a definite attitude problem toward rich snobby people who don't take responsibility for their children. I'm done with the church's mom's group.
1. I was excited that instead of a gift exchange among ourselves, I was told that we were to bring gifts to be given to a needy family in our church. My husband told me I had $25 to spend. I searched Goodwill, consignment shops, and my home for gifts for the three year old boy that matched his interests. Then my husband went to Target to pick up the odds and ends to complete the gifts...like slides to go with the view master, a remote to go with the monster truck, a stuffed dinosaur to go with the Land Before Time video, etc. We were also told that there would be a box for monetary donations. Upon arriving at the party, I asked about the box because I had $10 left of our budget to donate. I was told we would do that later, and then later was told it was forgotten. I was the only one to bring gifts for the needy family, and the children at the party demolished them...opened the new gifts out of their packages, tore the pages in some of the books, trampled them and scattered them about in different rooms and left them.
2. Some of the other families were dressed to the hilt. I felt out of place in my normal everyday clothes. I don't own fancy clothes, nor am I sure I want to. I also felt that the families were rude who would not make room for our family to sit. I wanted to leave after that. I wasn't there for the food or to show off my outfit. I thought this was going to be about celebrating Jesus and blessing another family in our church.
3. I sat briefly (before being asked to move) with a friend from my childhood that I'd not seen in about 20 years. She was there with her six year old who was also very rude and kept saying he wanted to home and blow up people on his video games. She was telling me that he is addicted to these games and there is nothing she can do about it because her aunt buys him adult games. I was in shock. He is six years old. She is his mother. I remember the struggle I had with my mother-in-law and the lengths I went to to raise my children away from her negative controlling influence. I know it's wrong for me to judge, but I wanted to shake her and say, "What is wrong with you?!?!?!" He is six, you are his mother. It's your responsibility to protect him, train him, love him!! Do parents not have any sense of responsibility for raising their children anymore?
4. I tried to re-collect the toys the children were destroying that were for the family we were going to bless, and was told it didn't matter...the recipient was only three and wasn't going to notice or care if his gifts have already been opened and torn up. What I heard was that they didn't want to be bothered with entertaining their own kids and telling the kids to leave what doesn't belong to them alone.
5. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I cleared the tables, helped put away the chairs, and then I left the toys with the kids because they were still playing and I was told to chill out about it. As I was praying this morning about my attitude, the Lord showed me that the family we were going to bless was one that I know personally. I'll use the $10 left from the budget to shop again and deliver the gifts personally to their home.
6. I have a definite attitude problem toward rich snobby people who don't take responsibility for their children. I'm done with the church's mom's group.
I am in a lot of pain today and this teaching has ministered to me. It's by Christ in me that God's plan will be accomplished through me today.
THE CALL OF THE CROSS
By Chip Brogden
http://www.theschoolofchrist.org/articles/cross_call.html
"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me" (Galatians 2:20a).
Just as salvation is ours through faith by grace, and not of ourselves, so it is with living the Christian life. The difference between a defeated Christian and a victorious Christian is simply this: the former lives by his own power and asks for God's help and will almost as an afterthought, while the latter despairs of himself, lays down his life, and trusts Christ to live in his place, at all times. The Cross is how God accomplishes this task of bringing us to the end of ourselves. Then we can say, "Not I, but Christ."
THE CALL OF THE CROSS
By Chip Brogden
http://www.theschoolofchrist.org/articles/cross_call.html
"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me" (Galatians 2:20a).
Just as salvation is ours through faith by grace, and not of ourselves, so it is with living the Christian life. The difference between a defeated Christian and a victorious Christian is simply this: the former lives by his own power and asks for God's help and will almost as an afterthought, while the latter despairs of himself, lays down his life, and trusts Christ to live in his place, at all times. The Cross is how God accomplishes this task of bringing us to the end of ourselves. Then we can say, "Not I, but Christ."
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Gratitude Journal December 1, 2007
1. I'm grateful to be made aware of some needs of other members of my church. Helping to meet them makes it feel like Christmas. I'd still like to find some sort of community service we could do as a family Christmas Day.
2. I enjoyed meeting two new families in my church this evening at our Mom's group Christmas party.
3. I'm grateful for muscle relaxers. As much as I hate taking medication, I was more than willing to take half a muscle relaxer to be able to go to the Christmas party this evening. It was just enough to ease the pain enough to allow me to go. Also, my electric massager is a God-send.
4. I'm enjoying doing cryptoquips with my kids this evening. I love having fun with them.
5. As I'm spending more time focused on the Lord and reading my Bible and Christian self-help books, it seems that I'm thinking and saying appropriate things more often rather than ignoring situations I don't know how to handle. I'm extremely grateful every time I do or say something and know that it's God doing it through me. I've talked with two people who have had someone close to them commit suicide this week. The right words just flowed from my mouth. Also with parenting situations, I'm responding to sibling conflict situations that I previously ignored not knowing what to do or say. God is good.
2. I enjoyed meeting two new families in my church this evening at our Mom's group Christmas party.
3. I'm grateful for muscle relaxers. As much as I hate taking medication, I was more than willing to take half a muscle relaxer to be able to go to the Christmas party this evening. It was just enough to ease the pain enough to allow me to go. Also, my electric massager is a God-send.
4. I'm enjoying doing cryptoquips with my kids this evening. I love having fun with them.
5. As I'm spending more time focused on the Lord and reading my Bible and Christian self-help books, it seems that I'm thinking and saying appropriate things more often rather than ignoring situations I don't know how to handle. I'm extremely grateful every time I do or say something and know that it's God doing it through me. I've talked with two people who have had someone close to them commit suicide this week. The right words just flowed from my mouth. Also with parenting situations, I'm responding to sibling conflict situations that I previously ignored not knowing what to do or say. God is good.
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