Parenting With Mental Illness

Peace at Last

2008-01-30T00:45:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been very disturbed by Christians telling me that I'm ill because of hidden sin, not tithing, not taking authority, unforgiveness, etc. I've spent many years of my life searching my heart for truth in these theories. It's led to much confession of sin, much forgiveness, tithing on the first fruits, rebuking the enemy, and prayer. Those things are not bad in themselves, but my health is still lacking and it irks me that whenever I'm in Christian circles I'm judged as it being my fault I'm ill. They make it sound so simple...If I would only believe, confess, forgive, tithe, etc, I would be healed. I find myself beating myself up blaming myself for being sick...thinking I must be such a failure in God's eyes because I can't get it right. What is it God is trying to teach me through this illness, I keep asking myself. What lesson am I Not getting that is keeping me ill?

Then from reading of the testimony of a fellow sufferer of fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, I was introduced to a book called A More Excellet Way: Be In Health by Henry Write who even claims to know what sins exactly are connected with specific illnesses. Wouldn't it be nice if it were true? Perhaps I'm ill because I haven't found the right sin to confess? And Mr. Write could point me in the right direction for just $15.00. I did a little research on the book and found peace at last by reading a review on the book by Hampton Keathly IV.

The review is extensive and can be found at http://www.bible.org/page.php?page_id=1687. The reveiwer does not agree that this book is Biblical, and his words brought peace at last to my mind about this issue of the cause of my illness, and ultimately who is in control. My hope/prayer is that I will be able to remember the last line of this section of the review I've pasted here. <>

Lord help me to remember what defines an abundant life. And thank you so very much for answering my prayers to get this into perspective.

Marlena

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Why is He (Henry Write) so popular?
I think control is the number one area in everyone’s life that God has to deal with – whether it is anxiety attacks, money problems, submission to authority, you name it. And health is a big area where we want to have control. Nobody wants to get sick. And if you are sick, you want to get well. I think it was a Geritol commercial from a long time ago that said, “When you’ve got your health, you’ve got just about everything.” That’s probably a pretty accurate statement for most people.
Health and wealth gospels are attractive because they give us a sense of control. I think that Wright’s message is popular because he offers definite solutions to sickness. He identifies with great certainty the source for most diseases. If you will just examine your heart for sin and repent, then either you will not get sick, or if you are already sick, prayer will heal you. And of course, getting sin out of your life is a good and honorable thing, so who can argue with that?
Some people use nutrition to “control” their health. I’ve personally seen or heard of lots of folks cured of allergies, asthma, cancer, etc. just by changing their diet. I know it works. I highly recommend it! However, eating properly can actually become a form of control and be just like a religion.
Others blame demons2 and say you just have to cast out the demon to get well.
Is there any room for God to use sickness to glorify himself or to teach us some spiritual lesson? When the nutrition advocate eats right but gets sick anyway, could God be teaching them that they are not in control? What is the proper response to sickness? It is to recognize that God is in control and leave that control of your health/life up to Him. Go back to eating healthy, knowing that it really does have good results, but knowing that you could still get sick if God sovereignly designs it for your growth.
The wrong response is to try to find another way to control your life/health/etc. I think Henry Wright offers that promise of control. If you just find the right sin, you can cure the disease or if you take power over that demon then you can be healed of your sickness. He expresses no doubts about getting well if you “know the truth” (as he teaches it). Is that not a promise of controlling our destiny (health)?
And if you don’t get well after praying, then what must you conclude if you follow the teaching of someone like Henry Wright? You just haven’t found the sin that caused the disease, so keep digging. The result will be that a person who really has no problem with fear, but who has an illness which Wright says is cause by “fear” will have to invent fears to repent of. The result is a self-centered focus and not a Christ-centered focus.
God promises us the abundant life. According to the health and wealth preachers, the abundant life is only being healthy and wealthy. That is an earthly (unbiblical) perspective. The biblical perspective is that the abundant life is being able to have joy in the midst of trials – whether sickness, poverty, prison, or whatever. The abundant life is not found in circumstances. It is found in relationship with Christ, the Lord of and over our circumstances.

Cocoa-Banana Frozen Dessert

2008-01-25T11:10:00.000-05:00

Cocoa-Banana Frozen Dessert

Description
The flavors in this simple dessert remind us of beach fare – frozen bananas on a stick coated with chocolate. This is a healthier version that you can whip up in no time. It contains no added sugar or dairy and is very versatile. Improvise by adding different flavors. Make this a few hours before you plan to serve - it's best when just frozen. Any leftovers will keep for a couple of weeks in the freezer.
Food as MedicineBananas are rich in potassium - one banana contains 450 mg, one-fifth of the adult daily requirement - and offer a fair share of magnesium (33 mg), too.

Ingredients
4 very ripe bananas
2 tablespoons pure unsweetened cocoa powder
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 tablespoons real maple syrup

Instructions
1. Peel the bananas and place in a blender or food processor along with the cocoa powder.
2. Add the vanilla extract and the maple syrup.
3. Blend till very smooth. Pour into individual custard cups or small bowls and freeze until just frozen.

Eggplant Dip from Dr. Weil

2008-01-24T12:02:00.001-05:00

Eggplant Dip

Description
Eggplant Dip has a great texture with a tangy, vinegary, seasoned taste that is mellowed with the pita. You also can smear the dip inside warm crepes for a different kind of presentation.
Food as MedicineRich color in vegetables usually indicates abundant heart-healthy antioxidants, and deep-purple eggplant is no exception. Eggplant is a particularly good source of an antioxidant called chlorogenic acid, which is among the most potent plant-based free-radical scavengers ever discovered.

Ingredients
1 eggplant (1 1/2 pounds)1/2 medium onion, grated or finely chopped2 tablespoons capers2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil1/2 teaspoon dried oregano 1/2 teaspoon salt or to taste3/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper1 tablespoon red wine vinegar 4 pitas1 tomato, peeled, seeded and diced1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley

Instructions
1. Preheat oven to 375° F.2. Set the eggplant on a baking pan or dish and pierce it a few times with a knife. Bake it until it becomes soft, about 30 minutes; it should pierce easily with a fork. Remove it from the oven and let cool. When completely cooled, peel the skin off and put the flesh into a blender or food processor. Add the onions, capers, and lemon juice. Turn on the machine, then gradually add the olive oil. Continue to blend until the eggplant is smooth and creamy. Transfer to a bowl and stir in the oregano, salt, pepper, and vinegar.3. Warm the pitas briefly on a baking sheet, then cut each of them into 8 wedges. Arrange them on a plate or platter. Just before serving, stir the tomato and parsley into the dip.

God is blessing

2008-01-24T11:54:00.000-05:00

I've exercised 3 days in a row now without the fibro symptoms coming back. I have sore muscles, but not fibro pain. And I've been having tons of social interactions that sometimes can be very stressful... went to the dentist to have two fillings replaced, talked to my sister for her birthday yesterday, went to visit my friend with cancer going through chemo last night, attended my daugthers scout meetings yesterday with the other (more perfect) moms.

I've been walking with my mother-in-law every morning for the last three mornings. Our water has been contaminated and we've been advised not to use it for consumption or washing dishes, thus a very messy kitchen, and kids are home from school. I also had a surprise visit late last night from my dear friend who has decided to keep me accountable for reading God's Word. She is the same one who was so discouraging a year or so back who told me that God has already healed me and that I just need to claim it and walk in it. She has become quite an encouragement to me. And the lady who was so critical of my housekeeping was hosting the scouting meeting at her home and asked me to overlook her mess as I went to find a place to change Olivia's diaper. There was no mess, not even a speck of dust as far as my eyes could see. I laughed and told her she's kidding me, right? She lauged too, and I didn't become over-stressed. Also, I've been working evenings with Mike trying to finish up a hotel we started wiring a few months ago. They finally have the drywall finished and we are putting all the faceplates on...like 120 of them...lol. There are a lot of toxic smells from the new construction, but I seem to be tolerating them well. It's obvious that God has interviened. So many people are praying for me, and I'm being faithful to start each day reading God's Word, and to finish each day as close to 10pm as possible. My church has gone on a 21 day fast, and those who cannot fast food have been asked to fast an activity they crave. I have chosen to fast from the activity of staying up late. God is blessing.
Marlena

Homeshooling Responsibly from HSLDA

2008-01-03T17:58:00.000-05:00

‘Am I Homeschooling Responsibly?’
Dear Friends,

Happy New Year! And welcome back from what we hope was a joyous and memorable Christmas break. Can you relate when we confide that it’s a bit difficult for us to get re-engaged into the real world of responsibilities after the holidays? Or, are we the only two sluggards we know?

A new year always brings fresh resolutions and goals, so we want to suggest that you consider reviewing and reevaluating your goals for the rest of the school year. The overarching question to ask is: “Am I homeschooling responsibly?” We’d like to help you honestly assess how well you are managing your high school homeschooling responsibilities.

The word “responsibility” rightly carries with it the idea of being accountable to somebody or for something. Often accountability is viewed in a negative or discouraging way. But as we look at homeschooling responsibly, we want to emphasize the positives. You may discover ways you need to change or to do things differently, but if the end result improves your homeschool and the quality of education you are providing for your teen, then it is a commendable and worthy objective!

Let’s look at some areas to keep in mind as you appraise your homeschooling:
The Use of Time
Each of us is given 24 hours in our day—no more, no less. In general, how are you using your time? If your mind begins to add up the number of days when other priorities took too much of your time, leaving too little to adequately devote to schooling, then it may be that you need to re-prioritize. When we homeschooled, we clearly remember the constant tug-of-war between preparing and teaching our children’s lessons and completing other tasks—cleaning, cooking meals, laundering, service and ministry activities, and on and on. If schooling is left on the back burner more days than not, perhaps it’s time to structure your day differently. Would it work better for you to start school a bit earlier in the day? On the other hand, if you and the children took just 30 minutes at the start of the day to get the house in order, would the remainder of the school day be more productive?

Staying the Course or Switching Gears?
To evaluate another area, discuss with your teen his academic course load. How did last semester go? Was the number of courses just right? Too few? Too many? The academic schedule you planned may need adjustment because sometimes you can’t discern if it’s too much or too little until you are in the midst of it. Don’t be afraid to make adjustments. You may need to drop or add a course—remember the “Drop/Add” period in college? Mistakes do happen—you bite off more than you can chew; or on the other hand, an opportunity only comes around once (such as your sister saying she would love to teach your teen Trig) necessitating that you carve out time to take advantage of this option. Homeschoolers are famous for saying that we have flexibility—but then we find ourselves being rigid and unwilling to see or make changes that would be helpful. Are there changes that you should make academically this year?
Out With the Good, In With the Best

Do you ever notice how many times our choices involve distinguishing the good from the best? Take time to chat with your teen about each of the extracurricular activities in which he is currently involved. Each of them when considered individually may be “good.” But, as you think about all of them—including jobs, sports, music, clubs, hobbies, volunteering, etc.—are there any that should or could be eliminated? In our experience, homeschoolers are more often involved in too many activities rather than too few. If you and your teen are running ragged, it’s time to take inventory. Cutting down on the miles driven to and from activities will not only save money, but it will free up time so you and your teen can unwind, read a good book, or discuss important issues without being interrupted. Down (or margin) time is essential if you want to conserve energy and finish the high school years strong.

Also, it is possible for your teen’s schedule to fill up with so many extras that course work begins to suffer. If this is the case, then remember that a few activities well done are much better than many activities participated in half-heartedly. Be ruthless in evaluating this area, and you’ll reap the benefits of a leaner—but more fruitful—schedule.

Interruptions as Detours—or Simply a Dead End?
Unforeseen circumstances can catch us off guard. An elderly parent suddenly needs care, a home remodel project veers out of control, a child incurs an injury, or a homeschooling parent becomes ill. These are definitely interruptions that set us on detours! But, hopefully, even when you come to a homeschooling detour, you will still be heading in the right direction, though it may take a little extra time to get back on the interstate highway.

However, if the detour leads to a dead end rather than returning to the expected course of action, then careful consideration and judgment may need to be exercised to implement a new plan. Begin by drawing up an overall plan to recover, enlist help from others if needed, and prudently map out the precise steps required to keep moving forward. Remember, there are no hopeless cases, but always a number of options to consider. For example, you may find revamping your school schedule from days to evenings or from a weekday to a Saturday will allow for necessary recovery. Or, if circumstances have prevented much math or history from being accomplished this first semester, then you and your teen may need to map out a summer course that puts you back on track to complete the material that needs to be covered. Maybe the English compositions were not evaluated because mom was tending to a sick child. If that’s the case, then an alternative might be to sign your teen up for an online writing course with an outside instructor who evaluates the compositions for you.

Taking a Spiritual Inventory
Homeschooling responsibly is foremost a matter of integrity. You are involved in a mighty work with the ability to have a major impact on your teen. Ask yourself these questions and honestly reflect on how you can improve:
Do I have a lazy or unmotivated attitude towards schooling?
Do I push my children too much academically out of pride?
Do I share openly with others about my homeschool struggles and in humility ask for their input?
Am I careful to plan, or do I just hope for the best?
Do I fall into condemnation for things I am not doing well, but then make no effort to improve?
Can I mentor another family and encourage them to also homeschool responsibly?
True conviction in any of these areas is not a millstone. Instead, see true conviction as a stepping stone to change for the better. Each of us has room for improvement! Think of just one or two items that need revamping in your homeschooling, and then start off this new 2008 year by making revisions to your homeschooling that will benefit both you and your teen. Trust the Lord to give you wisdom, guidance, strength, and energy to homeschool responsibly for His glory and for your teen’s good.

Next month, we’ll give you some suggestions for chasing those February winter blahs away.
Keep going, stay the course, and know that there is abundant grace for you today,
Becky Cooke and Diane KummerHSLDA High School Coordinators

2008-01-02T20:45:00.001-05:00

How To Save Money At Christmas

http://www.budgetch ristmas.com/ news/frugal- christmas/ how-to-save- money-at- christmas. html

Is there such a thing as an affordable Christmas holiday? A holiday when you aren't shopping at the last minute with no real idea of what gifts you want to buy? Of course! Just imagine a holiday with plenty of food, fun occasions with family and friends, and gift giving that doesn't exceed your time and dollar limits. It will all become reality when you learn the tradition that lots of families share each year.

So what's the secret? The tradition (and it's really no secret) is drawing names for Christmas gifts in your family or group. Some people call it Secret Santa. Basically, you put everyone's name in a hat and each person draws a name. Instead of giving a gift to every person in the group, you give just one gift to the person whose name you draw. That's one gift instead of many. Uno.

Giving just one gift has great merits. First, it's easy to be thoughtful when giving one gift. You can't say that when your list has 20 or more people on it! But thinking of one person can be lots of fun. And it doesn't put a strain on the wallet. When you choose a different person every year, you eventually give a gift to almost everyone in your group. Just not all in the same year. Now that's special.

To make drawing names real simple for your group, just follow two guidelines:

- First, draw names early in the season. Give everyone plenty of time to think about their drawn person and decide on a gift before the holiday gets busy.

- Second, define rules and limits for the group to follow.

Plan your gift exchange while you are together with your family or friends on vacation or during Fall holidays. In your office, organize your secret santa in October or early November. Draw names early, and you'll have months to choose just one gift.

Remember, your goal is to keep the gift giving simple and the get-together fun and meaningful. As you draw names, set the gift-giving rules. Here are some examples of rules that groups set for having fun and keeping it easy:

- Most groups set a dollar limit for their gifts. People usually want to give a gift that's roughly equal in value to the gift that they will receive.

- Many groups keep the draw a secret, and then guess the giver after the gift is opened. This makes the event into a party game that everyone looks forward to each year.- Some groups decide that the gift must be homemade or pre-owned by the giver. This is a great idea, especially when children are included, to show how it's the thought that counts. It also ensures that the exchange is affordable for everyone.

- Some groups decide that the gift must fit in a Christmas stocking. Then they fill each other's stockings. Small candies and chocolates can be added for fun.

- Some groups decide on one particular gift each year, like everyone gives a picture frame, a hat, or a calendar. Then they change the chosen gift every year.

- Some groups have a "white elephant" exchange, which is to give silly, crazy, or even bad gifts that no one would ever want! Watch out if you choose this type of exchange, because it can quickly get out of hand.

- The whole idea is to have fun together, so be creative! Some groups change the rules every year.The reality of having a secret santa is that you limit your shopping time and keep your budget reasonable. The magic of drawing names is that everyone in the group has fun and feels special. It's no wonder that families make a tradition of drawing names.

Plan early, and you'll sail through those once busy months of November and December this year. Try it, and you'll never go back to the old days of endless shopping.Happy holidays!Janie Schaeffer is the founder of http://www.DrawName s.com, a free online secret santa service that organizes holiday gift exchanges for families, coworkers, and friends.

Whole Whea Chocolate Chip Cookies

2008-01-02T15:21:00.000-05:00

Whole Wheat Chocolate Chip Cookies
Serves: 36

These classic chocolate chip cookies use slightly modified ingredients- -whole wheat flour, applesauce and Splenda--to make them healthier, yet just as tasty as the original!

INGREDIENTS
1 cup all purpose flour
1-1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup Splenda
3/4 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup butter (unsalted, and softened)
1/4 cup applesauce
2 egg yolks
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
12-ounce bag of semisweet chocolate chips

DIRECTIONS
Preheat Oven to 375 degrees F.
In a large bowl sift together flours, baking soda and salt. In a separate bowl cream together Splenda, brown sugar, butter, applesauce, egg yolks and vanilla extract.
Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and pour in chocolate chips.
Stir until combined, don't overmix.
Scoop onto baking sheet covered with parchment paper.
Bake 13-18 minutes.
Makes about 3 dozen cookies.

NUTRITION INFO (per cookie) Calories: 148.7Fat: 8.9 g Carbohydrates: 17.5 g Protein: 1.7 gIf you like this recipe, you might also like:80-Calorie Chocolate Chip CookiesWhole Wheat Pumpkin Chip Mini MuffinsFind and rate more recipes at SparkRecipes. com

Cuban Rice and Beans

2008-01-02T13:46:00.000-05:00

Cuban Rice and Beans
Courtesy of our free Healthy Crockpot Recipes Newsletter

1 lb dried black bean, sorted and rinsed
1 large onion, chopped
1 large bell pepper, chopped
5 cloves garlic, finely chopped
2 bay leaves
1 14.5-oz can diced tomatoes, undrained
5 cups water2 Tbs olive oil
4 Tbs ground cumin (optional)
1 finely chopped jalapeno
1 tsp salt
3 cups hot cooked rice, for serving

Soak beans overnight and discard soak water. Combine all ingredients except rice in crockpot and cook on low for 6 to 8 hours or until beans are tender and most of the liquid is absorbed. Remove bay leaves. Serve beans over rice.

I Wish You Enough

2008-01-01T13:29:00.000-05:00

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

Another Day of Mental Struggles

2007-12-26T19:05:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas. I love Jesus, or do I? I hate his birthday. I love my husband but I hated our wedding. I love my family, but I hate being with them. What I hate is my inability to cope with stress...good stress, bad stress, etc. My adrenal glands don't know the difference. I want to die. I've been in bed 26 hours trying to recooperate from Christmas Day and I just feel worse for not being more involved with my kids today. They don't ask how I am or if I need a drink. Perhaps they are downstairs sulking because I haven't asked how they are or if they need me to make dinner. I feel that I've failed them. I'm failing God. I can't stand to be in my skin. I want to die. I want the nightmare to be over. My mind is not right. My body hurts every day. What use am I to God. Of what use am I to my family except to keep disappointing them. I dissapoint myself. I know it always gets better somehow, but at what cost? How much do I put my family through. I wish not interacting was the answer, but it only makes things worse. Interacting makes things worse too. There just is no answer. I'm just going to pretend I'm dead until I feel life in me again. I'm so ashamed.

My step mom said that if I can't handle my perfect life, how will I ever be able to handle a real problem. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I hope she chokes on her money and dies. I hate her. I truely do. I hate her devaluing me and my kids. I want her to go away from me forever. She wants my house. I wish she'd just take it and get it over with so that we can find another place to live even if it is under a bridge. I hate greed and she is full of it. She is poison. She came to my house uninvited. I stayed in my room. I've been here 26 hours now. I want to be dead, then I won't be hurt that nobody cares if I have water. I've been fighting the urge to hurt myself, to destroy myself. I really don't expect God to care at this point. I'm such a disappointment to him. Why should he care? He gives me everything and I still cannot find it within myself to be grateful. I only want to die. Is that not the ultimate rejection? I've searched for reasons that I'm such a mess. I understand adrenals, neurotransmitters, etc. But ultimatley there is no explanation. Because I'm told all I have to do is confess that I'm well and the power of God within me will make me well. It's not working. I know God is real. He either doesn't want me well, or doesn't care. I don't blame him. I just wish I was well, dead, or can learn to cope. Why can't I learn to cope? Mike wants a counselor to fix me. She can't. She doesn't know what is wrong any better than I do. Suicide seems to be the perfect solution to everyone's problems. But yet I know it's not. The game is to wait it out and then to pick up the pieces over and over and over and over and over again and again and again. The cycles seem to never end. Oh Lord, hear my cry. Answer my plea for help. Please do something. Amen.

Made a breakthrough

2007-12-21T12:02:00.000-05:00

I feel like I made a breakthrough today. I'm not sure what to attribute it to, but here are my thoughts:

(I'm recording these things so if I crash again, I'll be able to look back and see what I was doing when I pulled out of it before)

1. Better sleep: I ate a huge meal last night at a Christmas dinner party, and I didn't wake up in the middle of the night hungry as usual. I took 2 5htp capsules as well as 2 benadryl (for food allergies) before lying down so that may have also contributed to better sleep. Olivia slept the whole night in her own spot, and didn't wake me. Mike slept in a seperate room so his breathing problems wouldn't keep me awake.

2. No more pms.... Perhaps all I needed was to hang in there until there is a hormone shift.

3. Thinking on what is good: Per Mike's advice, I've been focusing on what I can do rather than the frustration I feel for what I can't do. Also, there is an emotional release that comes from being so suicidal that you realize that none of the stuff that is pushing you to the edge really matters. Mike said to try to see myself as God sees me. I burst into tears because I think God sees me as a lazy bum that isn't busy using the talents and gifts he's given me. That parable in the Bible stays in the forefront of my mind about the hard master that is angered by the servant that burried his coins rather than investing them. Mike said that God sees me as I will be for all eternity, where as I'm focused on the here and now. There is a time to heal, and God is in control of that. I always have anxiety over not knowing when to quit and when to keep pushing to keep going. Sometimes the simplist things can be so difficult. Anyhow, today I'm focused on what I can do....which was a lot more than most days. But I'll need to remember to be just as grateful on days that all I can do is snuggle with Olivia, and leave the amount of what I can do up to God.

4. Environment: The kids cleaned the house yesterday. It was painful for Philip and Heather because I've not been requiring them to do daily chores since they started school. They are out of practice. The air was emotionally charged. But, today, it is pure bliss for me to be in a clean house. It's very soothing. Maintaining it is much easier than sitting in a messy house unable to do anything about it due to being overwhelmed.

5. Meds: I've been taking my maximum dosage of hydrocortizone for the past two days. I've been afraid to take the maximum dosage because I thought it was interferring with sleep and increasing my appetite. I thought these were signs that I was taking more than I needed. But I read recently read that a normal, healthy, unstressed person requires 40mg of cortisol a day. I'm only taking 30. I'm still in pain physically, BUT mentally and emotionally I can tell a big difference, and I'm able to cope with the pain better. I've not been taking any other of my other supplements due to not thinking clearly until last night when I took the 5htp for sleep and benadryl for a reaction I was having (to peanuts I think). It makes me wonder if taking less is what I need. I'm going to make a list of everything I'm taking to my next appointment and ask Dr. Mac if there is anything there that I don't need or that could possibly be making me worse.

6. Pacing myself and staying organized: I've created a light schedule for myself to keep a sense of order until the holidays are over and we can get back to our usual routines.

7. Prayer: At cell group, Mary said that we have circles of influence. I've read about that concept before. She said that we are the best person to pray for ourselves. I can agree to an extent, but when I'm too confused to even participate in a conversation, I reach out and let others know I need God's intervention. I have no doubt that this is a huge contributing factor to being pulled out of that pit called depression.

Confused

2007-12-20T04:37:00.001-05:00

My brain is scattered again today... Lots of thoughts in no particular order... Worries of me offending people or leaving them with a negative impression of me. Fear that people won't trust me to care for their children. I wrapped gifts this morning with the moms from my church. One side of the church had a gas leak. The other side was full of chemicals. I had my choice of poisons. My brain went bonkers. My worries...I talked too much about myself. They don't like me. They think I'm crazy. I'm so frustrated I couldn't remember where I worked and then kept thinking about it long after the conversation moved on. Should I quit doing things with them to spare me the pain of rejection and worries about me not saying the right things? After a short time in that environment, I couldn't follow their conversations at all and was just confused and quiet.

I've been having an anxiety attack that has been lasting for a few days. The sweat just pours, my heart pounds and races. I feel sick to my stomach. What to do about it? I've started eating more carbs (not sure it's the best solution, but it seems to help). I'll get back on track with my diet soon, but for now when I'm having a panic attack, it helps to sit down with a bag of Tostitos, or a handful of chocolate and milk. I'm making a conscious effort to breathe deep. My muscles hurt so terribly. Inside I beg for someone to have mercy and rub my muscles for me. But I know better than to ask. My requests usually seem unreasonable to others and the rejection hurts more than if I never asked. When I tell Mike how much I hurt, he tells me to take Ibuprofin, so I shut up. I took a muscle relaxer hoping to sleep better without as much pain, but Olivia is not sleeping well, so mom is not sleeping well. What an endless cycle this seems to be. God, please help me.

I feel so different from everyone else. I feel so isolated and misunderstood. I need to know my place. I need to know if people love or hate me. I need to know where I'm welcome and where I'm not. It's so much easier not to try...just to cut myself off from others because rejection is so painful. It's no fun being confused. One gal told me today that I just need to confess that I'm well. OK. I'm better now. I guess that makes it so.

Tonight is Christmas dinner with Mike's work. My counselor will be there. It's time once again to put on my smile, not say anything other than "hello, it's good to see you. Have a merry Christmas." I hope I can do it. I need to get two gifts together. I'm thinking maybe the lotions I forgot to take to the church for our mom's group family. Also perhaps the cookies that we baked for Mr. Beater and didn't take because Heather felt sick at the last minute. There also are two cans of popcorn. I want to take one over to the kid's school. I should do that today. And the other to the dinner. That makes three gifts. Well, I wanted to give some cookies to Angie and Sam anyhow, so maybe I'll do that.

Today was a productive one in that I got our gifts delivered to my Dad and Lee. I finished making the bulb to replace the one that Dad and Lee misplaced. I made a decoration for Dad's cookies, and attatched that huge bow to Lee's gift. Anyhow, I was thinking clear enough to get it all finished and together to take it to them. While visiting, I didn't feel that I said anything that I shouldn't. I did find it frustrating though that I had thoughts I couldn't say. I don't know what to do with them. They stay as if begging to be said and it's hard for me to think of anything else. But I didn't say them. Not because they were bad, but because Lee wanted to do all the talking. I actually feel more comfortable around people who talk a lot because I don't have to worry about saying anything at all if I don't want to...other than uh huh, and that sort of thing. There was a gal at their house spraying furniture polish. My head is such a mess. I want to stay within the safety of my own home, but that is lonely and misinterpreted as well. No matter, it's a necessity that I don't go out too often, and that seems to be what is happening...too many chemical exposures and too much social stress. I like expressing love to others. And I like being useful at the church. I just wish it didn't take such a toll on me. I wish I could be normal, or that people could love me just as I am. God please heal me.

Gratitude Journal 12-18-07

2007-12-18T13:21:00.000-05:00

Three things I can think of to be grateful for today:

1. I'm grateful that seasons change...when times get tough, I can hang on to the thought that "this too shall pass" and hang on to life knowing relief will come in time.

2. I have a two year old in my life that loves to dance, eat cookie dough, and kiss frogs. Her pleasure with life's simplicities is contageous.

3. I'm grateful that when I feel like I'm going to explode into thousands of tiny pieces, that I don't actually explode...lol

Gratitude Journal 12-17-07

2007-12-17T01:53:00.000-05:00

1. I'm so proud of my kids. I'm seeing how talented God has made them, and the hard work they do. I feel so blessed to be the mom of such wonderful kids.

2. I'm very grateful for the way God has been speaking to me lately. I'm finally "getting it" on a level I can understand. I just know that as I'm obedient to these things He is showing me, that I'm finally going to start growing spiritually the way I've been wanting to. I'm looking forward to it.

3. As I was praying for my friends this evening, I feel very blessed to be so close to so many people to know what their needs are. I also feel so priviledged that God allows us to ask for anything. I love seeing God work in our lives. It always puts me in awe.

Gratitude Journal 12-15-07

2007-12-15T17:36:00.000-05:00

1. The kids Christmas play is tonight. I'm so excited to see how it all comes together after all of their hard work.

2. I've had a day of rest, am very grateful for days when I'm not torn between resting and doing. The kids have cleaned house, and Mike is available to do the shopping and get the kids where they need to be.

3. Olivia is playing with the Nativity Set. I'm so pleased to see that she is learning about Jesus, even if it means glueing Joseph's arm back on....twice...lol. The kings are playing "piggy back" with the angel...lol.

A light at the End of the Tunnel

2007-12-08T16:06:00.000-05:00

I can see now where I need to go now Praise God!

It's obvious from my posts that I've really been struggling these past few weeks with my mental health. It's even been difficult for me to write my gratitude journal...as I've read in the mychurch community that readers don't like to read posts that are about the writer. I've come to the conlusion that the gratitude journals and my other writings are for me, not for others and they don't have to read them if they don't want to, but for some who want to know how hey can be praying for me or who are struggling with similar things, perhaps they will be a blessing. Either way, they are what they are. Others can take them or leave them. Also, I've had several confirmations this week that has allowed me to see that this is something God wants me to do. I'm not writing to please man, but for my recovery and for God.

Inspite of readers not caring for posts that have things pasted from other sources, I'm going to share a daily meditation that has ministered to me today. I'm trying to fight these discouraging thoughts that keep me from writing what I need to to help my thinking process.

TO HIM THAT OVERCOMES
By Chip Brogden
http://www.theschoolofchrist.org/articles/overcomes.html

"And has put all things under His feet, and gave Him to be the head over all things to the church" (Ephesians 1:22).

When we SEE an ever-increasing Christ Who is destined to fill all things then we will be delivered from smallness and narrow-mindedness. We do not overcome a thing by focusing our attention and directing our energies against that THING. "Things" will keep us busy from morning until night, and from night until morning. May God deliver us from "things" and show us His Son! We must learn to keep the focus of our heart on the Lord Jesus Christ, Who MUST increase. Then there is no room for "things" anymore. They are simply swallowed up in Victory.

I've re-read my last two private posts that were about my frustrations and identified some things that I need to put under Christ's feet so I can properly put my focus back on Him.
1) Not being able to control all the negative influences in my children's lives.
Not being able to fully protect them from people that harm them, and guide their sexual development.
2) Worry about finances for health issues and more living space for our growing family.
3) Saddness over rejection from my father, step mother, and older sister.
4) Fear of my response to the anger I feel when I'm around people who don't treat me and my kids respectfully. My fear is that I will act in unChristlike ways, and also anxiety over not knowing the "right" way to respond. Also, fear of the negative effects on my health (I have adrenal failure). In the past, large amounts of stress can take months to recover from.

My prayer: Lord, please help me to put these "things" under your feet where they belong. Help me to know that you are my provider, and your provisions are sufficient for me. Help me to love others as you do, even when they do not love me or my children. Fill me with a love that overflows to all that I'm in contact with. Lord, you know the problems I've had with anger in the past. I'm afraid of putting myself in situations that are likely to provoke it. Lord, I know the effects of the heavy metals on my emotions and sometimes feel so utterly out of control. But now I realize that YOU are in control. My strength will come from you. I'm trusting you Lord to help me have your perspective, your love for all others even when they are not treating me the way I'd like to be treated. Lord, you didn't mince words with the pharacies, and you shook the dirt off your feet as you left Nazareth when they rejected you. But yet you forgive those that sin against you and willingly allowed yourself to be mistreated as part of the Father's plan on the cross. Lord, help me to know when to do what. Oh, how I beg for your Spirit to lead me. I pray that I will hear you clearly so that I can obey. You are in control. I submit myself totally to you. Lord, be my Lord in all these areas that are trying to cause anxiety and stress. I'm so grateful to you that I'm able to fully trust you. I love you. I pray that you will increase in me and that I will decrease.
Amen!

Rantings of a Desperate Depresssed Mom

2007-12-08T10:11:00.000-05:00

I've not been thinking rationally for the past few days. Suicidal obsessions have invaded my mind. I cope by planning to run away, and by searching the Internet for information that could help me get better. Random thoughts flow through my mind, skipping from one to another...not related. I want to grab one, hang on to it, and think it through, but it's gone just as fast as it came. My kids are taking care of themselves, eating canned soup, cereal, take out pizza, etc. I've not been able to cook for myself so I'm eating hard boiled eggs that I keep on hand. I've not been taking my supplements or meds except for what my husband gives me when he thinks about it. I'm going downhill. This cycle has run its course many times over. One day I will wake up and everything will be fine again for no apparent reason. Just as there is no apparent reason for my inside world to have crumbled.

I couldn't make it to my cell group this week...not bathed for 5 days now and don't want to stink them out. My care pastor just plays it off like it's not as bad as I say. "You've never stunk anyone out." I've been in physical pain for a week now. My head has been affected for the last three days. My husband drills me trying to find a trigger. The only thing I can think of is worrying about spending a week as the guest of a woman who treats me disrespectfully during a vacation trip my husband planned without consulting me. Why that would bother me? I don't know. Also I have irrational anxiety about spending Christmas Eve with my mother-in-law. We have both become quite good at pretending to get along with each other. All is well until she starts to be controlling, and I start enforcing boundaries. Then there is the whole issue of my son telling me that he had a sexual relationship with his male cousin who is a year older than him. He told me that it was before he was a Christian. He has been a Christian for at least 4 years, and is only 10 now...so this was going on when he was a preschooler. I saw evidence. I walked in on my nephew holding a knife to my son who was completely naked and ran to take cover from me behind the toy box. It was 9/11...he was three years old if I recall correctly. I feared for my sister's life...was in shock at the time. I went nuts that day. I wasn't sure if anything sexual was going on or not. They were so young, but I did know that I didn't want to ever give this kid an opportunity to pull a knife on my son again. I dealt with my suspicions by trying to eliminate any contact between my nephew and my son...well ac tally between my nephew and mother-in-law, and all of us. You see, Mike's brother back in 1990 held a rifle to my head demanding I close the back door when he didn't like my refusal the first time he told me. Mike's father spent his time watching TV very loudly in the living room. The shows were always violent and frequently sexually explicit. I asked them not to do that around my children and was told they are too young to know what is going on on the TV. Well, actually they weren't too young. They were busy even as infants and toddlers forming perceptions of the world. I can only imagine the things my nephew has been exposed to. I even learned that my mother-in-law masturbated in front of Ashley when she would younger...too young my foot!!! I tried to keep them away, and there were tons of repercussions. I thought our move back to WV was to be temporary...just until Mike's dad lived out his last days...as he was diagnosed with liver cancer. But he lived 4 years after his diagnosis and they were good years for building a relationship between him and Mike, and with the kids. It was tricky though because it was very difficult to see him without seeing Irene and Warren. "Just until he passes..." I'd tell myself. When he passed, I was told we were staying. Oh was I upset. Now I have no coping mechanism. I feel so trapped and vulnerable.

"We don't have money to move" I'm told. We have a home in SC. I don't think we need all the stuff we have here...just a warm dry place to lie our heads, privacy to shower, clean air to breathe, and access to a good library. Mike does have a good job situation here, and those good job situations aren't a dime a dozen. It is a rare thing for a family of six to be able to live on one income and for Mike to be home in the evenings. But what is the real cost? My step-mother who tells me that kids aren't worth the trouble they cause, tells me not to have any more children while I'm pregnant with my 5th, and reminds me over and over that she cares more about her "stuff" than she does about any of us. She and Dad have made it clear that they aren't interested in attending any of the children's music concerts, basketball games, or birthday parties. Yet I see them weekly at church and on holidays at their home or ours and we play the game of being cordial, playing our appropriate roles, pretending we have a relationship. I've wanted to help my step mom with house cleaning thinking that might help us build a better relationship, but I'm just too sick. I'm physically not able to do it. But they sit on their money while my sister looses her house and while the kids and I can't pay for medical care. Our insurance company is a joke and a constant source of stress. Heather and Philip need their tonsils out. Ashley needs braces. I need more chelation. Luckily, Mike is able to trade computer services for most of his medical care.) Meanwhile Dad and Lee add on to their house (there are only two of them, how much room do two people need?) and remodel their kitchen....gotta have marble floors and more counter space. I know my attitude looks sick, and I didn't use to think that way. I used to think we should all try to be responsible and independent...Dad's money is for dad to use however he wants. He married a woman who spends money on vanity. He didn't seem happy at first, and that was a concern, but he seems happy now, and I'm happy for him. But the concern came when my stepmother asked me if I realize that the house I live in is hers. It was given to me by my grandmother. It is not hers. My husband has invested a lot in this house...my whole family has...under the presumption that it is ours. It was valued at $60,000 when we moved here, and my dad had wanted to bulldoze it down. We've put about $40,000 into it and a LOT of elbow grease. We've done everything ourselves with the help of friends. It's now valued at $135,000. My dad has failed to hand it over to us legally. I don't understand why. I've asked and it doesn't make sense to me. If we have to buy it from him at this point, we are paying for everything twice...and then some. The house is too small for our growing family. Mike wanted to add on, but Dad won't even do the paperwork to allow us to get a building permit. It aggravated Mike and now we are not allowed to talk about it. I've cut back on homeschooling so that we can function in our dining room/craft room/music room/homeschool room once again. I'm going to sell or give away all my homeschool supplies because I have no place to keep them. I'd prefer to study at the library anyway. I'm at my wits end trying to figure out a way to organize that would allow us to be able to homeschool without being totally overwhelmed again. But yet, they have built on a huge room to their home...bigger than my whole downstairs...and then tell me they can't even give Christmas gifts because it would mean loosing some interest on their investments. My dad has never been materialistic when it's come to belongings, but don't mess with his interest!! Oh yes, that almighty god... money. It means more to them than God, more to them than family. Whatever, more power to them, I would normally say. I just need to keep my focus on who my provider is. It's God, not them. But it sure does hurt to know they care so little for me and my kids. It's difficult on me emotionally to try to maintain a relationship with them. I understand that Dad wants to teach us responsibility. But I can't work because I'm ill, and I can't get better because I don't have the money...vicious circle. If I were the parent and my child was ill, I'd quit trying to teach them about responsibility until they are well enough to follow through with responsibility. I suppose he is still trying to punish me for having children without a college degree. Illness is what caused me to not be able to finish college, not the kids. And now we know it's something that might be treatable, so with treatment perhaps I can finish school and be something he could be proud of. If I were the parent , I'd also celebrate my grandchildren's achievements by at least being present, and maybe even a smile or a hug. I don't know what their problem is. My step mom says its just that she's already done enough of that sort of thing with her own grandchildren and great grandchildren, and she's finished doing it. My children don't count. I'm aware of the things she does for her own...and it hurts every time she leaves us out. It also hurts when she lies about it putting the blame on me. I sometimes think she believes her own lies. It's not doing me any good to dwell on it. I'm sick of wasting time trying to make a relationship better when they have shut me out and then say it's the other way around. Perhaps it is time to shut them out. That's what I want to do, but my conscience won't let me.

My grandmother left me this house because she appreciated me helping her when she needed help. She appreciated me spending time with her when she was lonely. She appreciated me having children. She told me she didn't want to leave this world until after she saw her first great grandchild. She called me every morning for months on end to ask if I was pregnant yet. I miss my grandmother. I wish she was still here. My mom? Well, there was no pleasing her. I could never be good enough. I'm glad she's not here to tell me what a failure I am when I'm not. We just saw life differently and I had different goals for myself than she had for me. I would have gladly met some of her goals that we shared, but I was not able due to illness. I was not able to ever please her, and her disappointment was painful. For that reason, I'm glad she is gone. I have vowed to not be that way with my children. I tell them often to seek to know what God would have them do with their lives. I tell them to pray that He will give them strength to do the things they need to do to follow through with His plan.

I dream of my home at the beach daily...of a life of fresh air, healthy relationships, lots of sunshine, a healthy mind and body. Mike and the kids are happy here. Someday his mother will die, and so will my stepmother. Probably sooner than later. They are up in years...60's and 80's, and are battling health issues. It seems to me that some people are too mean to die, and that seems to be the case with them. I scold myself. They are not mean. It's just that I have never learned how to relate to them in a healthy way. I know part of the fault lies with me. I'm working on that through counseling. I hate rejection and I hate abuse. I want to run as far away from that as possible.

Ahhh well...another morning gone. I better find something more productive to do. I was so healthy over the summer. It was the best time I'd had in years. I want to try to recreate everything in hopes I might have another window of health. Mike says the stress of tutoring caused me to crash. I'm inclined to think that the crash from the flu and chemical exposure is what caused tutoring to become stressful. As things were slipping, I was finding it more and more difficult to cope with Olivia crying for me while I was getting ready to leave. I had less and less energy to change my clothes every afternoon to go tutor. I was becoming resentful of the unrealistic expectations on me. Prior to that my attitude was that I'll just do what I can do and that's all I can do...lol. I became resentful that I'd been lied to about being paid, and that things were slipping at home because I no longer had the energy to do both. I was never paid. That hurt me somehow at a deeper level. Perhaps that could have been the trigger...learning after three weeks that I wasn't going to be paid and then trying to honor my word to do that job anyway. I lasted two more weeks before I just couldn't do it anymore. I suffered the humiliation of saying once again that I'm sorry, I just can't follow through. When I go to the school, the principal and my supervisor ask how I am. I feel guilty on days that I'm feeling well to admit it because I think I should be resuming my position at the school. On days I'm not well, I just can't cope with seeing anyone and try to stay hidden in my pajamas in the car.

Oh, what I'd do for a muscle massage right now...and a four course meal. A girl can dream can't she? I'll settle with the comfort of a warm bed (I have my heating pad) and a glass of water. My husband stays irritated with me. That deeply saddens my heart. I don't know what to do different. The best thing I think is if I talk as little as possible. I'm working on a some ideas for a schedule for me that keeps things simple and manageable. Perhaps I won't be doing all that people think I "should" but at least I'll be doing something and that's enough for me right now until I wake up and all is well again.

1. Reread and implement my detox diet plan (2 eggs, at least one salad, no wheat or soy)
2. Organize one thing each day (big or small depending on what I'm up to that day)
3. Do one thing that will make us a little more ready for Christmas (big or small)
4. Exercises: Start with Jumping Jacks. If I do that and want to do more, do the 5 Tibetan Rites. If I do that and want to do more, go to the YMCA to use their stretching contraption and walk 40 minutes maximum. If all I do are jumping jacks...it's ok...better than lying in bed.
5. Rub Mikes back or feet or both. This is soooo important. Makes all the difference in the world in how he feels towards me. We've not had sex in months. He doesn't even sleep in the bed with me anymore. He's got his own health issues to worry about (sleep apnea, high BP). Massages can bring us close and help him with his blood pressure. Oh how it hurts when I think of how he talks to me, so much irritation and disapproval in his tone. I've never learned to cope with that well...perhaps I'll get better at it...right now my heart is cold/protective. Massages don't have to involve talking. I'm practicing the art of silence.
6. Get my meds sorted and laid out for the week...and TAKE them!!!!
7. Write in my gratitude journal at least every other day, daily preferably, to keep my mind focused on what is good.
8. Go to bed on time and take something if I can't go to sleep the first hour.

That's 8 things, hopefully I can do that, and will start seeing improvement soon. I have lumps in my lymph system again. Mike would like for me to believe that this is all about stress. Stress doesn't cause lumps in my lymph system. It's not a topic we can discuss anymore. Nothing good comes from it. Sometimes I think we have a fake marriage. I've heard other people talk about their marriages and that makes mine seem like gold. I'm grateful for my husband and for his relationship with God. I wish our relationship was better, but no matter how hard I try, I'm not the person he wants me to be...maybe for short periods of time I am, but when it doesn't last, niether does his tolerance for me. He says he loves me. If love is sticking with commitment and providing for, then yes he loves me. If love is enjoying being together, growing together in the Lord, and working together to reach goals, then he doesn't love me. I'm grateful for what we have. I wish it were more. I get down on myself for being so difficult to love.

Looking forward to better days!
Marlena

Christian Ways To Reduce Stress

2007-12-05T20:25:00.000-05:00

An Angel says, "Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."

1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest (remember; Jesus slept more than Jesus wept).
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus."
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most.
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36 . Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.

GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)(reprint from a 360blog)
Let there be Light

Crock Pot Chicken with Creamy Vegetables

2007-12-05T13:49:00.000-05:00

A great 'comfort food' recipe with chicken, potatoes, and veggies all in one!

Category: Crockpot Chicken
Time to Prepare: 15 minutes
Time to Cook: 8 hours
Number of servings: 4

Ingredients:
2 pounds cubed chicken breasts
1 medium chopped onion
5 cups cubed potatoes
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 tsp garlic powder
½ tsp black pepper
½ cup water
4 cups frozen mixed vegetables

Instructions: Spray crockpot with non-stick cooking spray. Place chicken, onion, and potatoes in slow cooker. In a bowl, combine soups, garlic powder, pepper and water, pour into slow cooker. Cover and cook on low 8 hours. Add frozen mixed vegetables, cover and cook on high an additional 20-25 minutes.
Notes:

White Bean Soup Recipe

2007-12-05T13:36:00.000-05:00

White Bean Soup
Courtesy of our free Healthy Vegetarian Recipes newsletter.

2 tsp olive oil
1 cup chopped onion
3 garlic cloves, crushed
2 (14.5-ounce) cans no-salt-added whole tomatoes,undrained and chopped
1 (16-ounce) can garbanzo beans, drained1 (16-ounce) can soybeans, drained
1 (14 1/2-ounce) can veggie broth
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper ( optional)
3/4 tsp dried oregano
1/4 tsp pepper
1 bunch cilantro (about 2 cups)
1 can enchilada sauce

Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add onion and garlic, and sauté 4 minutes or until tender. Add tomatoes and next 6 ingredients (tomatoes through pepper), and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, add chopped cilantro and 1 CUP enchilada sauce and simmer 5 minutes. Ladle into bowls, and sprinkle with cheese if you want.

O God Help Me!!!!!

2007-12-05T10:36:00.000-05:00

1. I'm in so much pain today. My request is for relief, and for God to reveal to me what His plan is for me today. I hate when the end of the day comes and I feel terrible for squandering it away. Perhaps I could work on addressing Christmas card envelopes.

2. I'm being made aware of so many needs... people in my cell group not able to buy gifts for kids, a fellow sufferer of mcs stranded in Hawaii not able to save enough money for a plane ticket back to the states, third world countries making the opportunity available for others to buy animals for them to raise and eat, etc. I'm so confused. I want to pay our debt off. I want the chaos to stop...for everything to be in order, and for there to be a clear plan of action.
Angie (my counselor) says the chaos is from me using so much energy to avoid stress and chemicals that there is none left over for managing. That's not it at all. I'm convinced there is some sort of interference with my brain function...be it damage from the high levels of lead, or perhaps inflammation from chemical exposures, or whatever. I'm paralyzed today from pain and not knowing what to do/not do. I want to cry..and that doesn't help. I NEED simplicity. I need mental relief from over stimulation. I try to break things down to one step at a time to not be overwhelmed. I've been trying to allow enough time to pace myself. Things that are so simple for others are so hard for me. My request is for God to lead me and to fix my brain!!! I feel selfish asking...like I've asked so many times, and the obvious answer is no or He would have intervened, so to keep asking makes me a nag. I'm hurting. I want so much to be a good mom, wife, and Christian. I feel like giving up. Giving up doesn't solve anything either. But it does make things more simple...brings me relief. It's easier not to care. I can't even think straight to take my medications. I need help remembering to pick my kids up from school. Lord, please help me. I'm so sick.

3. Mike is not well. His BP is through the roof. How can I sit here doing nothing while he is killing himself to take care of us all.? Next year I want to be prepared to go back to homeschooling. It's what I believe to be best for the kids and for our family as a whole. The kids are exhausted from lack of sleep and we have such little family time together with everyone going a different direction all day long with school and music practices/play practices, church stuff every day of the week. The housework and childcare is falling on Ashley because Heather and Philip are no longer available to do their part. It's as if school has become our god. Everyday we are racing the clock. I hate it. I miss the flexibility and effectiveness of homeschooling. I miss Mike coming home to a clean house and dinner on the table. I miss having energy left over to rub his tense shoulders and sore feet. It feels like we are in the rat race now with everyone else and all the stress it brings. I could do without the tuition bills and superficial relationships as well.

4. Mike has made Christmas plans with his mother and with Heidi. I've had so many disastrous experiences with them and don't have any reason to think that this year is going to be any different. I want to do it for Mike, but worry that I'll just end up making things worse. My prayer is that God will control the situations and strengthen me to cope with the head games. I feel so powerless. Why can't he love me and the kids enough to say no to them? Whatever. I'm hoping I'll die before Christmas. Happy Birthday Jesus. I'm playing around with the idea of running away from home until the holidays are over. Mike can hate me but at least I'll still be alive to ask forgiveness. Why can't I just be normal and play the games like everyone else?

5. Why is there no option for privacy here? Dang..now I have to erase it all. Can't some people blog just for themselves without the intention of other people reading everything? I'm so burned out..adrenal exhaustion is what it is called. Oh what I'd do to be allowed to go to sleep and wake up after Christmas when the world is sane again and expectations are manageable. Yep...suicide. That's all I can think of right now. Relief, escape, take the pressure off. If anyone does read this, they will laugh thinking what in the world I have to be stressed about. I have the perfect life, all needs met, love, precious children, etc. Well, that's the physical world. But there is another world. An inside world...a mental/emotional world. That is where all the stress/chaos is. Nobody else can see it and I'm not allowed to talk about it. All I'm allowed to say is "I'm not well." No tears, no explanations. I'm supposed to say, "I'm not well" and then function like I am well.

I'm NOT well. Nor can I act well. Suicide is looking better and better each minute that passes getting closer and closer to Christmas. Survival? I have to go somewhere. And then I worry I may not be able to face my family to come back. I'm always the problem causer. I'm always messing up and being a poor example.

Anyone out there that can help? please do. I'd prefer this post to be private, but since it's not, I'd like to hear how other people would make this better if it were them? I can't unbirth my children or unmarry my husband to have a more simple life. I can't make myself feel unvulnerable to my mother-in-law or my husband's best friend's girlfriend. Heck, I can't even tell my husband I'm not going to NC without creating WWIII. I used to go into the hospital when feeling like this, but that just puts us further in debt and doesn't solve anything either. I used to not want to kill myself because funeral expenses are so high, but we already owe way more than that, what's another $10,000?

My family? They don't give a rip. My sister told me that I'm reaping what I've sown. I've made decisions and I'm paying the price. Let's see...I decided to follow God. I cannot imagine how that is the wrong choice, but sometimes like now it sure looks that way. The answer to me seems to get as far away from people like her, my inlaws, and friends of friends who enjoy nothing more than bossing people around and putting others down to make themselves feel superior. My father would rather watch me suffer than lift a finger to help. It's all about learning life's lessons. I didn't marry rich...rule #1. I didn't finish collage..never mind that it was due to illness out of my control...it still needs to be punished. I had more than 2 children, and on purpose!!! Shame on me. Kids aren't worth the trouble they cause....that's what my step mom tells me. Sick woman...that's all I have to say. She can spend money like it's beans, and pride herself in watching us do without as punishment for me getting pregnant after she told me not to. She wants more and more and more...insatiable. I wouldn't care if it didn't mean that we can't get medical care without going further into debt. Selfish bitch. I just have a problem with people who care more about things than people. I always have. I can see it as a twisted illness, but I certainly don't want to go there and be treated as less important than a vase or a floor tile. I won't go back...ever. They can choke on their money and die for all I care. They've made it clear over and over and over again that they don't care about me or my kids. It hurts, and I'm tired of hurting. But yet...gotta have something to give them for Christmas. I hate playing this stupid game. Rips me of any self respect I might have left. The question that matters is what does God want? What honors him? It's his birthday after all. The answer? I have no clue. I just know that even if I wanted to, I can't seem to stay well enough to play the game this year. I thought getting stuff done ahead of time would lessen the stress...but the closer we get to D-day, the worse I am.

I already have it planned out where I can go. I just don't want to be the cause of more problems. I'm starting to feel like I don't have a choice. I can't function here. Mike needs a new wife who can manage the bank accounts, clean and organize the house, do the grocery shopping, pay attention to him, get the kids to school and back, and cook wholesome delicious meals. What he doesn't need is me making things worse. My prayer everyday is for God to make me into that person, or to get me out of here to make room for that person whoever she is.

Gratitude Journal 12-5-07

2007-12-05T08:01:00.000-05:00

1. Let it Snow! We woke to an inch of snow and it's still coming down. It's so beautiful.
2. I went to the new cell group Steve started. People shared a little about their backgrounds and why they are at the group. I'm able to see that we all have a past and struggles. We all need healing and growth.
3. My new counselor made a treatment plan for me. She and I are both hopeful that we can work on a few things that will help with social stress. She also wants to teach me what I need to know to parent my teens and help them feel comfortable with their sexual development. She wants to borrow the book I'm working through right now called Caring Enough to Confront. I'm grateful that she wants to work with me, and grateful that she seems to like and respect me and thinks she can help me.
4. My friend likes to put up Christmas lights. Nobody here wants to decorate our tree...feels too much like work. So, I have the idea to invite Steve over and make a decorating party of it.
5. This might not sound like a gratitude, but it is... Mike's mom called this morning before 7am. She has become a daily part of our lives again. (Weekly, I can handle, daily, I cannot). Mike said his blood pressure shot way up when she called. What I'm grateful for is that we are both on the same page again about limiting contact with her. I'm looking forward to the day I'm strong enough to relate to her on a daily basis and still be able to function in other areas of my life.

Pokemon Cards on Ebay

2007-12-03T09:22:00.001-05:00

This is side-splitting funny...as I'm relating to so much. I only have 4 kids in my brood...and only three when they were younger. Shopping was nearly impossible. I remember trying to balance a cooler on top of the double stroller, carry at 24 pack of sodas, push the stroller, and try to smile as everyone gawked as I tried to fill my responsibilty to provide drinks for our homeschool mom's group meeting that evening. These days they have buggies equiped for kids and groceries. For that, I'm sure a lot of moms are extreemly grateful. I only have one young one now...and three that are big enough to push buggies. I can split my grocery list up and let them have at it. I LOVE shopping with my kids now. It DOES get better. Anyhow....enjoy:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=130144061675#ebayphotohosting

This ebay seller has a blog at mom2my6pack.blogspot.com

How to Have A Merry Christmas

2007-12-03T08:45:00.000-05:00

How to Have a Merry Christmas

Dear Friends,
A friend was kind enough to share some great little tips from a pastor friend of his near Boston on how to have a great holiday this year. I'd like to pass them on to you and encourage you to put them into practice.

1. If Christmas cards aren't fun to send, don't send them. But if they are fun, send only as many as are fun, then stop!

2. Don't bury the kids under piles of loot. Why turn happy, excited little children into sweaty, bored little gluttons?

3. Do not borrow money to spend on Christmas! Jesus is in charge of our economics. If He wants us to celebrate His birthday on the cheap this year, then that had better be fine with us!

4. Feasting is good. Gorging is bad.

5. Ignore holiday suggestions in magazines that look like work. They only put them in there because they had to fill the December issue with something!

6. Ignore other people's expectations. It's not their birthday!

7. Ignore the nagging guilt about making Christmas perfect. Christmas is perfect already, thank you very much, and our families will think so too, if we celebrate with gratitude and contentment.

8. Ignore the gloom and doom whining about how commercialized and secularized Christmas is getting. Instead, think about how the retail industry's entire financial existence depends on the celebration of Jesusâ€™ birthday!

Think about how many hordes of people have been packed into stores listening to music about our Savior! You can't buy that kind of advertising! Finally, think about how amazing it is that pictures of Happy Families are the best way for stores to sell stuff. Isn't that better than the junky pictures they use the rest of the year???

9. Imagine, if there's no treadmill, no guilt, no exhaustion, no indigestion, and no debt, you'll have more energy than you can imagine to give thanks to God for His precious Son!

Here's another list from http://www.cbn.com/ ...a bit more overwhelming, but good advice:

1. Set manageable expectations. Spend some time now setting realistic and manageable expectations for your holiday season. Understand that you can’t do everything! Be realistic about what you can do. Make a priority list of your most important events and activities for you and your family. Then, pace yourself. Organize your time. Keep in mind that it’s the holiday “season” (not “day”) and spread out your activities to lessen stress and increase enjoyment.

2. Remember the holiday season does not eliminate sadness or loneliness. Problems and difficulties arise even during the holiday season. And, for some, the holiday season evokes painful memories of events or the loss of loved ones in the past. Give room for yourself and your family to experience these feelings. Try not to let them become a consuming focus. Make an effort to work through present challenges and conflicts.

3. Acknowledge the past, but look toward the future. Life brings changes. Each season of life is different. Determine to enjoy this holiday season for what it is. Acknowledging the past, whether it was good or bad, is appropriate. But, if you find that this year has been a rough one and you don’t anticipate having the best holiday season ever, try not to set yourself up by comparing today with the “good old days.” Take advantage of the joys the present holiday season has to offer.

4. Develop and encourage a life of gratitude. Gratitude is an attribute that transcends circumstances. No matter what your circumstances, I believe there is reason to be thankful in them. Your circumstances may never change, but your attitude toward them can change … and this can make all the difference. Christians have a special reason to adopt the attitude of gratitude, because we know that whatever comes, our times are in God's hands. It was Jesus who said, in effect, "So don't be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow, too." (See Matthew 6:34.)
If you want to help your kids develop an attitude of gratitude, I encourage you to try an experiment that might radically influence your family. It’s called “Thank Therapy.” Thank Therapy is simply focusing on the many things in your life for which you can be thankful. Get started by having each family member create individual lists, of “Twenty Reasons Why I’m Thankful.” Thank Therapy is simply an act of the will to concentrate on the good and not the bad.

5. Do something for someone else. One of the ways we can demonstrate that we are grateful to God for His many blessings is to help others. To get more out of this holiday season, try getting involved in serving others. For some great ideas, read HomeWord’s free online article, "Helping Others at the Holiday Season."

6. Enjoy activities that are cheap or free. There are many good holiday-related activities that will add to your family’s enjoyment, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations, baking Christmas cookies, going window-shopping, and playing in the snow.

7. Enjoy a family holiday tradition. Traditions provide opportunities to keep your family’s legacy going. They create meaningful memories. So, from the silly to the sentimental, if your family has some holiday traditions, if possible, be sure to include them in your holiday activity plans.

8. Try something new. Celebrate the holidays in a new way. You may just create a new tradition that will keep going for generations!

9. Spend money responsibly. The holiday season brings with it a big temptation to spend money beyond your means and to rack up significant credit card debt, especially when it comes to purchasing Christmas presents for your family. Just say no! While your family may be thrilled by your gifts on Christmas Day, don’t forget that come springtime, your kids may well have laid aside or forgotten those gifts, even while you’re struggling to make the payments. Decide now to be financially responsible this holiday season!

10. Carve out some time for yourself! Don’t take on all of the responsibilities of your family’s holiday celebrations by yourself. Share the load. Create some space during the holidays for you to recharge your own batteries.

I Need Help!

2007-12-02T20:10:00.000-05:00

I have to get away from my mother-in-law if I'm going to function to take care of my home and kids. I've tried to keep a sparse relationship with her...but with the holidays and her needing my input on Christmas shopping, Ashley making things to sell in the craft fair, her going to the same health club as me, along with the weekly visits that I've allowed, I just can't handle it anymore. I'm beginning to wonder again if her intent is to destroy me.

She knows I don't watch the news because I have adrenal failure. I cannot even tolerate watching fictional shows that are stressful. She comes to my home and tells me of a two year old baby who was beaten to death and her head held in a toilet because she didn't say please and thankyou. Then she tells me about a friend of hers who took a shower knowing her friend was taking a sheet out behind the barn to kill herself...and succeeded. Then on the way to the Christmas party last night she called to tell me that her neighbor that I knew shot himself behind his barn. Needless to say I'm ill again. I hope she is happy. I can't stand this. Could she be doing this on purpose, or is this paranoia on my part. I just can't stand to be around her. But that doesn't matter to anyone. I'm supposed to grow a tougher skin. I can't ok. That is what illness is about. If I could make myself well, I certainly would. I'd like to be able to choose who I spend time with. But my husband's holiday plans, and my children's desire to have a relationship with their grandmother, and my desire to not rock the boat, all keep me in the sick, sick, sick relationship.

My husband's answer is to take more muscle relaxers, more valarian root, more cortizone, etc. It's not the answer. I'm feeling desperate again to simplify my life so I can cope with it. That means getting my inconsiderate mother in law out of it. That means staying home more...no more Christmas parties. It's only December 2nd, and I've been to three Christmas parties.

I'm stressed because my husband gets ticked with me when I'm ill. He tells me not to talk about it...just to announce that I'm not well. But then when I can't function enough to cook meals or take care of the baby, I can tell he's aggitated. I feel horrible like it's my fault. It's difficult to be better some days and worse others. Nobody knows what to expect. When I'm well, I'm so grateful for nomalcy at least for a while. But then when I crash, I wish I was ill all the time to have some sort of consistency. I hate disappointing the kids. Like today, I was supposed to take Philip shopping for a gift for a kid in his class. I just couldn't do it. Ashley wants me to take her to get some stampers to make Christmas cards. Not only could I not do that, but she ended up taking care of Olivia all day. Olivia has been sick all week. I just don't have the strength to take care of her, and I'm very dizzy.

It's all so frustrating. My husband thinks it's my fault she is sick too...blames me for not taking her to the doctor. I can't do it...just can't. Everything is my fault always. I can't cope, and I can't help it. I want to die to get off this rollercoaster. I realize that my life belongs to the Lord. It's not mine to take. I try to live for Him. Whatever I'm capable of or not capable of is in His hands. My prayer is for relief.

Please pray. And I'm open for advice. If anyone ever reads my blog, please respond.
I realize I write this blog mainly for myself and probably don't have any readers. But if I do, I'd like to know.

Sorry to post the "down stuff". I'm really not down all the time...but it does happen. And when it does, I need to work through the issues so that they don't have such a negative impact on me the next time I get down.

Grocery List

2007-12-02T14:01:00.001-05:00

Breakfasts:
Eggs
Waffles
Bisquits
Toast
Pancakes
Cheerios
Bacon
Pineapple
Bananas
Apples
Lemons
Grapefruit
Oranges

Lunches:
PBJ sandwhiches
Doritos
Tostitos
Lays Classic
Pretzles
Pringles
Cheese Puffs
Apples
Lemons
Plums
Personal Pizzas
Progresso Chicken Noodle
Peanut butter celery
Pizza Rolls
Ravioli

Dinner:
Roast with Potatoes, Onion, Celery, and Carrots
Macaroni & Cheese
Little Ceaser's Pizza
Homemade Pizza
Spaghetti
Taco Salad
Cream of Chicken Noodles
Potato Wedges
Chicken Quesadeas
Salami Sandwiches
Grilled Steaks
Grilled Burgers
Chili
Cut Veggies:
peppers
cucumbers
carrots
celery
tomatoes
olives
pickles
cauliflower

Snacks:
Yogurt
Popcorn
IceCream
Crackers & Cheese
Cashews

Mom's Stuff:
Cranberry Juice
Ground Turkey
Frozen Berries
Flax Seeds

What Are Parents Thinking?!?!?

2007-12-02T11:27:00.000-05:00

I was very saddened and frustrated at a Christmas party last night for several reasons.

1. I was excited that instead of a gift exchange among ourselves, I was told that we were to bring gifts to be given to a needy family in our church. My husband told me I had $25 to spend. I searched Goodwill, consignment shops, and my home for gifts for the three year old boy that matched his interests. Then my husband went to Target to pick up the odds and ends to complete the gifts...like slides to go with the view master, a remote to go with the monster truck, a stuffed dinosaur to go with the Land Before Time video, etc. We were also told that there would be a box for monetary donations. Upon arriving at the party, I asked about the box because I had $10 left of our budget to donate. I was told we would do that later, and then later was told it was forgotten. I was the only one to bring gifts for the needy family, and the children at the party demolished them...opened the new gifts out of their packages, tore the pages in some of the books, trampled them and scattered them about in different rooms and left them.

2. Some of the other families were dressed to the hilt. I felt out of place in my normal everyday clothes. I don't own fancy clothes, nor am I sure I want to. I also felt that the families were rude who would not make room for our family to sit. I wanted to leave after that. I wasn't there for the food or to show off my outfit. I thought this was going to be about celebrating Jesus and blessing another family in our church.

3. I sat briefly (before being asked to move) with a friend from my childhood that I'd not seen in about 20 years. She was there with her six year old who was also very rude and kept saying he wanted to home and blow up people on his video games. She was telling me that he is addicted to these games and there is nothing she can do about it because her aunt buys him adult games. I was in shock. He is six years old. She is his mother. I remember the struggle I had with my mother-in-law and the lengths I went to to raise my children away from her negative controlling influence. I know it's wrong for me to judge, but I wanted to shake her and say, "What is wrong with you?!?!?!" He is six, you are his mother. It's your responsibility to protect him, train him, love him!! Do parents not have any sense of responsibility for raising their children anymore?

4. I tried to re-collect the toys the children were destroying that were for the family we were going to bless, and was told it didn't matter...the recipient was only three and wasn't going to notice or care if his gifts have already been opened and torn up. What I heard was that they didn't want to be bothered with entertaining their own kids and telling the kids to leave what doesn't belong to them alone.

5. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I cleared the tables, helped put away the chairs, and then I left the toys with the kids because they were still playing and I was told to chill out about it. As I was praying this morning about my attitude, the Lord showed me that the family we were going to bless was one that I know personally. I'll use the $10 left from the budget to shop again and deliver the gifts personally to their home.

6. I have a definite attitude problem toward rich snobby people who don't take responsibility for their children. I'm done with the church's mom's group.

2007-12-02T08:14:00.000-05:00

I am in a lot of pain today and this teaching has ministered to me. It's by Christ in me that God's plan will be accomplished through me today.

THE CALL OF THE CROSS
By Chip Brogden
http://www.theschoolofchrist.org/articles/cross_call.html

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me" (Galatians 2:20a).

Just as salvation is ours through faith by grace, and not of ourselves, so it is with living the Christian life. The difference between a defeated Christian and a victorious Christian is simply this: the former lives by his own power and asks for God's help and will almost as an afterthought, while the latter despairs of himself, lays down his life, and trusts Christ to live in his place, at all times. The Cross is how God accomplishes this task of bringing us to the end of ourselves. Then we can say, "Not I, but Christ."

Gratitude Journal December 1, 2007

2007-12-01T22:08:00.000-05:00

1. I'm grateful to be made aware of some needs of other members of my church. Helping to meet them makes it feel like Christmas. I'd still like to find some sort of community service we could do as a family Christmas Day.

2. I enjoyed meeting two new families in my church this evening at our Mom's group Christmas party.

3. I'm grateful for muscle relaxers. As much as I hate taking medication, I was more than willing to take half a muscle relaxer to be able to go to the Christmas party this evening. It was just enough to ease the pain enough to allow me to go. Also, my electric massager is a God-send.

4. I'm enjoying doing cryptoquips with my kids this evening. I love having fun with them.

5. As I'm spending more time focused on the Lord and reading my Bible and Christian self-help books, it seems that I'm thinking and saying appropriate things more often rather than ignoring situations I don't know how to handle. I'm extremely grateful every time I do or say something and know that it's God doing it through me. I've talked with two people who have had someone close to them commit suicide this week. The right words just flowed from my mouth. Also with parenting situations, I'm responding to sibling conflict situations that I previously ignored not knowing what to do or say. God is good.

Gratitude Journal November 30, 2007

2007-11-30T08:32:00.000-05:00

1. I'm grateful to have an opportunity to sit down and write in my gratitude journal! And yet still grateful for the energy I've had and for a busy week.

2. I'm grateful for my cell group. We've finally met together after being apart for what seems like months. Deb, Mary, and Gary were a sight for sore eyes. There were only 6 of us as opposed to the 12 to 15 in the usual crowd. It was the perfect environment for me to share some of my struggles, and for others to open up as well. I made a new friend, and deepened a relationship with an old friend. These connections are so important to me. God is using them to minister to me and to give me the opportunity to minister to others. In my prayer I was able to thank God for such healthy relationships with other Christians. I've never had that. I've always wanted that. Now that I have it, I'm so very grateful.

3. I have my new flipper (false tooth) and I like it better than my old one. I mentioned before that I'm grateful that Mike was able to work out a trade agreement with his dentist for computer services. Ashley made Christmas gifts for the dental staff from clay and magnets. They are such pleasant people.

4. I joined the senior YMCA with a medical membership. I learned how to use the treadmill and some of the machines. I especially enjoyed stretching with their giant web of stretchy bands. The senior ladies I met are Christians and are very friendly and helpful in showing me how to use the equipment. I was concerned about triggering fibro symptoms from exercising too much, but that hasn't been the case today. I'm sore, but NO fibro, praise God!

5. Olivia's fever has broken and she has more energy today. I usually get extra concerned when Olivia becomes ill because she is so small and doesn't know how to verbalize her symptoms to me. She kept putting her hands in her mouth saying "it hurts". I decided to take her to see the doctor to make sure it wasn't strep if she wasn't improving by morning. I gave her some echinacea and elderberry last night. This morning her fever has broke and she is playing with gusto.

6. I have a new haircut...shoulder length. And I love it.

Healthy Raw Pecan Pie Recipe- no wheat

2007-11-25T14:37:00.000-05:00

Healthy Pecan Pie Recipe
By Dr. Ben Kim on November 21, 2007 Healthy Desserts
If pecan pie is on your mind, you and your guests will love this raw and healthy version.
While this recipe calls for only healthy ingredients, it produces a super-rich and sweet pecan pie that is best served in small portions. Rather than serve this pie in traditional triangular portions, I recommend that you use a good knife to divide the pie into 2-inch squares. One or two squares are enough to satisfy the fiercest of dessert addicts among your family and guests.
Ingredients:
2 cups almonds (raw, if available), soaked for one hour, drained, dried3 dozen pitted dates, soaked for one hour, drained (save water)1 tablespoon fresh lemon or lime juice1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon1/4 teaspoon sea salt1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract2 cups raw pecans, soaked for one hour, drained, driedExtra-virgin olive oil
Directions:
Put almonds and 10 dates in a food processor and blend until they come together into a crust-like consistency. Add a small amount of water (saved from soaking the dates) if necessary to aid in bringing almonds and dates together.
Grease a pie plate or 9-inch square baking pan with a light coat of extra-virgin olive oil - this will help prevent the pie from sticking to the plate.
Use a spatula or the underside of a spoon to press the almond-date crust into the bottom of the plate or pan. Be sure to spread it up the sides of the plate or pan to form a full pie crust. Put the finished crust in the freezer until you are ready to fill it.
Combine the remaining dates, fresh lemon or lime juice, cinnamon, sea salt, and vanilla in a food processor and blend until the mixture takes on a smooth, homogenized consistency. Use a small amount of water (left over from soaking dates) if necessary.
Spread the date filling evenly over the almond-date crust.
Arrange raw pecans on top of date filling and press down lightly to help keep the pecans in place.
Enjoy this raw and healthy pecan pie!

Healthy Cranberry Sauce Recipe

2007-11-25T01:36:00.000-05:00

A Healthy Cranberry Sauce Recipe

3 cups of cranberries (approx. one 12-ounce bag)
1 cup of orange juice (or use less for a thicker sauce)
1 cup of xylitol (or use the same amount as the orange juice)

Combine all the above ingredients in a heavy saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until cranberries soften and begin to pop.
Remove from heat to let cool to room temperature, and then refrigerate until ready to use.

Gratitude Journal November 24, 2007

2007-11-24T21:24:00.000-05:00

1. I was able to get Philip's bed up the stairs and assembled with his bedding by myself. It looks nice and it makes me happy that he is excited about sleeping in it. There is no place for his bedside lamp though, so I gave him a flashlight to keep on the windowsill next to his bed. He is happy. I'm happy.

2. The children's friend spent the night. They planned on staying up all night. Two made it the whole night and today has been a day of rest. It was soooo nice to see our friend who moved away this past Summer. I'm praying that we will be able to see each other more often.

3. We had breakfast with my sister's family at Shoney's this morning. I've been so stressed about finances...being able to make them stretch enough to have a gift for everyone. When it came time to pay the bill, the waitress told us my brother-in-law had already covered it. That was very kind. They are headed back to Virginia today. It is so nice to be a part of their lives. Also, I wasn't stressed over making a good impression on them, as usual. My health has improved enough that I'm satisfied with how I look, and the shape my house is in. They are FAR from where I want them to be...and still have a lot of plans, but I'm satisfied rather than embarrassed. The kids all had a good time. There is so much for them to do here and they don't have to be concerned about breaking things or making messes. It's just part of life and we like living life here.

4. A woman who hasn't seen me for several months said, "Well, look at you! You've lost a lot of weight!" I was aware of the weight I've lost, but to hear her say that, just made me feel good about a goal that has been realized and recognized. She knew I was working so hard to improve my health...she even lent me some of her books on Health God's Way. It was good to share the success with her today.

5. I've been very strict on my detox diet the past few days because I've wanted to feel good while dealing with so much company and the Thanksgiving Holiday celebration. I'm pleased that it has gone well...at least until I ate at Shoney's. I had eggs, mushrooms, and raw green pepper...all very tasty. There must have been something in them I didn't know about, or it was the chlorine in the water because I swelled up and really struggled today after all the company had left. But, what I'm grateful for is that from Wednesday until Saturday morning, I did very well...felt fantastic and even got so much done around the house. Something bad did happen at my step-mother's house. I always have so much anxiety about what might happen and whether or not I will respond to it appropriately. I'm pleased to say that I think I have it in perspective.

Gratitude Journal November 22, 2007

2007-11-23T02:35:00.000-05:00

1. Imagine...a gratitude journal on Thanksgiving Day! I am thankful for so much. Gratitude has indeed become my pattern of thought over the past few months of keeping a daily gratitude journal. For that I am thankful. I ran into a woman the other day who has had a long term relationship with my mother-in-law who is a very controlling woman. They are not getting along at the moment, and she was expressing her frustration to me. Instead of jumping on the bandwagon, I was able to tell her that I have learned to focus on the good, and when it comes to my mother-in-law, I focus on the fact that she is the most generous woman I know. Does that mean I bury my head in the sand when she tries to control me and brainwash my children...no! But when unsettling obsessive thoughts come into my mind about her, I am now able to replace them with thoughts of how generous she is. There are many examples in my head of her donating truckloads of food to the City Mission, cooking dinner for grieving church members, taking her neighbor to his doctor appointments, etc. This is a skill I'm grateful for, for my sanity's sake.

2. I was pleasantly surprised that my sister's family came into town to celebrate Thanksgiving with us. Not knowing we were going to have company, we had planned on a special meal with everyone's favorites rather than the traditional Thanksgiving dinner because we don't enjoy those foods so much. So, whey they heard we were having spaghetti, garlic bread, chicken fried rice, cut vegetables, raw cranberries, water, and cheesecake for dinner, they opted to have the holiday meal with my dad and step-mother. So, my step-mother threw together a last minute dinner party with her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren and told us all to bring what we were already going to cook since her kitchen is under construction. They have a big room that they added on to their home for such occasions, and we all filled the room. Mike made 5 loaves of bread, and I made 6 dozen of my very popular chocolate chip cookies. We also brought the vegetable tray we had planned on. It was a big success...and we had our spaghetti later with my sister and twins for supper at my house. We had such a good time playing with Aunt Linda and the twins. Uncle Alan camped out upstairs watching the Dallas Cowboys. It was good to see all of them.

3. I'm grateful for Valerian root. I usually experience anxiety attacks when I'm around a lot of people at once. My nervous system seems OK today, and I attribute it to the Valerian root. I don't need to use it often, but when I do, I thank God for it.

4. I took Philip to get new bedding to go with his new/used bed we found at an estate sale last weekend. We found something very nice at Target that was extremely reasonably priced. I was very impressed and pleased that he chose the more traditional bedding rather than the Spiderman ensemble which would have cost three times as much. That left some money over from what I budgeted to get Heather a new comforter for her bed as well. She also made an economical choice. I'm pleased that our upstairs is coming along, and that our bedrooms will be in order soon...but that should be #5 on my gratitude list. Tomorrow, I'm going to see if Uncle Alan will help me carry Philip's bed upstairs. Mike's back has been troubling him, and I don't want to take a chance on making matters worse for him.

5. I'm most grateful for my improved physical and mental health. I'm grateful for every new clue we get about how to improve my quality of life. As I look over this past year, and past decade, I can see improvement as we've uncovered different aspects of my health and made adjustments to compensate or improve my overall function. When I catch myself getting frustrated over things that I think I should be able to do, I think back to where I was before, and count my blessings. My hope becomes restored.

Could it Be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

2007-11-18T14:55:00.000-05:00

My new counselor mentioned PTSD. I figure she's thinking that my oversensitivity to chemicals is due to the scents triggering some sort of subconscious memory. I've been told that before, but know it to be false. You just have to experience it to understand. I'll equate it to breathing sleeping gas before undergoing surgery. The gas used induces unconsciousness...there is not an emotional component. Well the same thing happens when I breath petroleum products (like asphalt being laid, pumping gasoline, etc) and breathe in certain colognes and perfumes. My head spins, I struggle to walk straight and stay conscious. I get confused about where I am and become very uncoordinated. There is no emotional component except that it is emotionally taxing to have to go through such a struggle and to be so misunderstood.

But I'm looking at the explanation of PTSD and can see a rightful place for the dx in my life. It is not the direct cause of my chemical and stress sensitivities, but there have certainly been traumatic events in my life that resurface over and over and over again. I've referred to it as obsessing. I've tried to move forward and not obsess...to focus on what is, not what was. To forgive, let go, put what I cannot control into God's hands. I feel led to make a list of the events the definition says should have been traumatic (but that don't play a significant role as far as I can tell in my life/mind right now). And then I want to make a list of my unique big stressors that I think others wouldn't have a problem with at all. I'll then give the list to my counselor if she thinks she would find it useful in helping me think more clearly and have a healthier perspective and expectations.

Here's the list I found online that I'm going by:
Kinds of traumatic events People with PTSD most often experience one or more of these four types of traumatic events:
Seeing someone being killed or badly injured
Living through a fire, flood or natural disaster
Living through a life-threatening accident
Having been in combat
But many other traumatic events also can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder, including rape, mugging, robbery, assault, civil conflict, car accident, plane crash, torture, kidnapping, life-threatening medical diagnosis, childhood physical abuse or neglect, sexual molestation, being threatened with a weapon, terrorist attacks, and other extreme or life-threatening events.

Traumatic Events defined by others:
#1 SEEING SOMEONE BEING KILLED OR BADLY INJURED:
A. I used to work in ER...I've seen a LOT of tragedy....people shot up, two daughters dying the same night from a car wreck (very traumatic day). I probably did have PTSD for a short time after that one. The grief I witnessed from the mother was the most disturbing part. I also had a difficult time dealing with the callousness of the medical personnel. I guess over time they become calloused to survive the daily trauma. When I worked in oncology and intensive care, it was much easier. Death was not such a shock, and was welcomed by some.

B. I was first to arrive at the scene of a man thrown from his motorcycle near where we lived in LeSage. He did not have a helmet on and his head hit the railroad track. I did not find this as stressful as others because he was not in pain and there was nothing that I needed to do other than call 911. I didn't witness any family grieving...but felt it so tragic for someone to be alive one moment probably with dreams and plans, and be gone the next instant. He had used poor judgement making a left hand turn without looking, and not wearing a helmet. I hurt for the person who hit his cycle...since this same thing happened to my brother and I was aware of what legalities and emotions may be plaguing the other driver. But it wasn't my guilt. I wasn't to blame and I was there to help. That is why it didn't stress me.

C. I was at my mother's bedside when she died. I took care of her for six months while she battled colon cancer. It was one of the most peaceful times of my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. At the moment of her passing, I hurt for my dad though. We were always taught not to show emotion. He wailed, and I figured his pain had to be very extreme for him to do that. I feel other people's pain...always have. Sometimes I feel it more intensely than they do...lol. My brother and sisters stuffed back any emotion as I did. It was a very awkward moment. My brother and I handled it with humor. I remember the jokes we told as he was getting a haircut for the funeral. I'm sure the barber thought we were nuts. He was probably right.

I mentioned in counseling that I'm relieved my mother is gone. I felt guilty about that for a while (10 years maybe). I talked to my brother about it. It took him a very long time to ever grieve her loss as well. I'm not glad that she suffered. But I am glad that she is with Christ (I know she is), I'm glad for those months we had together prior to her death that were very different than our usual role of parent and child. I'm glad that death brought a relief of suffering for her. God was merciful. By the time of her passing, she was ready. I also had a two week old baby which was comforting to have a new life come as another life passed.

My mother didn't approve of my choice for a church, a husband, my choice of a career, the place I lived, etc, etc. etc. I was always a disappointment to her. She wanted me to be Catholic instead of Pentecostal. When she learned after the fact that I had gone to Haiti on a mission trip, she told me she'd rather I'd stuck my head in a toilet. She thought I should have studied to become a doctor instead of a nurse, but yet when she needed nursing care, I was prepared to help her. That made me feel that perhaps she could see my life wasn't a total waste...lol. She didn't want me to have children before I finished college. I didn't finish college due to mental illness, but yet had children anyway. She hated my mother-in-law who was very disrespectful to her (she is to everybody), and I didn't look forward to the stress and battles that lie ahead. My mother had not been a big part of my life since I left home at age 16. And I knew having a child might change that. I feared not being able to cope with having a closer relationship with her. At times though I wonder how she might have changed over the decades and what type of relationship we might have now if she were still here, but God is in control not me...and what is...is. I long for a mentor in my life. I feel that a large part of my immaturity is from not having anyone in my life as a mentor.

D. OK...here is another one I found stressful. There was a lady in the ER, the doctor was foreign...from India I think. He cut her open right there in the ER without her being anaesthetised to drain the fluid from her lungs. He was cutting through her rib while she was screaming. He was telling her to suck it up...and she was cussing him. I was standing there observing, trying not to pass out. Someone told me that's just the way it is with these foreign doctors. They don't use anesthesia in their countries. But we are in America. That just wasn't right. It wasn't necessary. She didn't die. But that image of me standing by doing nothing, helpless to help her as I was trying to keep myself from passing out was the source of many nightmares.

#2 LIVING THROUGH A FIRE, FLOOD, OR NATURAL DISASTER:
A.. Hmmm. Floods are just a part of our lives. We've lost antique furniture, cars, riding mowers, have to deal with disinfecting mold/mildew/human waste. We can't get flood insurance because we live in a flood zone. No big deal..it's just stuff. We know the risks, we know the routine. We save what we can. When exhaustion sets in, we let the rest go. My step mom called once to see how I was doing. I was ill and just didn't care. The kids and I were safe. We shut the power off, took the necessities up to the second floor and were just waiting it out. My step mom called the national guard to come get us...lol. That was comical. They 'saved' a reporter who had climbed aboard their monster tank to keep his equipment from going under water, but I didn't see the sense in it for us...and apparently neither did the other residents. I told the rescuer that we didn't need rescued, the water was already going down. He told me he couldn't guarantee that it would continue to go down. It was silliness. But the good thing about it is that I was very touched that my step mother cared enough to do something to help us. That touched me in a positive way. Perhaps the flooding would be more traumatic if we feared losing our lives, but the flood levels are controlled. It only gets so high before the city turns on some sort of pumps.

B. I used to have recurring night terrors about our home being washed away when we lived on the Ohio River. We had to be rescued by canoes. It was before we had children. Those night terrors were traumatic. But real life flooding has not been. It's just an overwhelming task of getting everything back to order afterwards.

C. We lived through a hurricane in Myrtle Beach, SC. Our town was evacuated. We stayed because Mike was emergency personnel. We stayed with him at the electric company because we had nowhere else to go. We were not close to any family at the time. I found it adventurous. We were huddled in the phone room with the ceiling tiles flapping due to the high winds. I had peace knowing God is in control. The only stressful part was that I sensed Mike was embarrassed to have us with the people he worked with. I choose not to visit that issue in my mind. It's over, it's past, and he is different now. It was stressful at the time to feel like an embarrassment to him, but he is a very proud husband and father now, and we are friends with many people he currently works with. When we returned to our home, it was amazing that many homes around us were destroyed by either wind or flooding or both, and ours was untouched. God is good.

#3 LIVING THROUGH A LIFE-THREATENING ACCIDENT
A. I'm racking my brain trying to think of the accident's I've been in. The most stressful ones are when I'm driving my parent's car...just a fender benders...but the trauma of facing them. I don't suppose that falls under the category of life-threatening though, so I'll move on.

B. A car was coming toward me on the wrong side of the road. I had to drive off the road to avoid it, and we passed without incidence. But as I tried to come back on to the road, I lost control of the car and the car rolled down a hill. I was pregnant at the time and wasn't wearing a seat belt because of the way it hit my belly and I had read that the risk would be higher to the baby. So, I braced myself with my hands on the ceiling and stayed in place. The windshield shattered and I had a few minor cuts. Other than that, I had pulled muscles in my shoulders and back. I crawled out through the broken passenger window feeling so thankful to be alive and thankful that I had cleaned my car out the day before...especially that bowling ball...lol. A nearby resident called 911 and came to see if I was ok. He said he was so surprised and relieved to see me crawling out, but became very concerned when he saw I was pregnant. Ashley was fine too. The car was totalled, but I had bought and paid for it myself. I didn't have anyone else to answer to...and that's why it wasn't stressful.

C. I was a passenger in a car that caught fire. I jumped out while it was still moving. My body hair and eyelashes were singed by the flames that came in when I opened the door, but I wasn't burned. I scraped my knee and bruised by elbow from falling on the pavement, but I was ok. The driver was ok too. He waited longer to get out and was burned more. The car didn't explode or anything like in the movies. The fire dept. came and put the fire out. The entire dashboard was melted. I was in college at the time, and my journal required for English class was burned, along with a few of my text books that were replaceable. I think the most stressful part was my English professor not believing me because I didn't go to the hospital. Did he think I'd burn my eyelashes off myself LOL just to have an excuse not have to turn my journal in? I didn't go to the hospital because I wasn't injured. I hate for people not to believe me...as if by them not believing me, it invalidates me somehow. I thought about trying to re-create my journal, but didn't...and took the bad grade...bad grades were traumatic for me.

#4 HAVING BEEN IN COMBAT
A. The only combat I've been in is with my mother-in-law. She tried to take custody of my first two children. Until I met her, I'd never encountered anyone like her...and was in total shock of the carefully laid plans, the lies weaved, the witnesses she is able to produce for things that never happened. She is a woman who doesn't take no for an answer and will go to any length to get what she wants. Yes, even murder...she has killed animals to get revenge on neighbors, and told me if she killed my father-in-law, nobody would ever know. I knew...and I'm not nobody. The daily battle with her went on for three years until I left town with my kids with no forwarding address intending to never return. My father-in-law was a very kind-hearted man who lived with us for a time. They were separated, and we came back to Huntington when we learned he was ill for Mike to build a relationship with him, and for me to find a doctor to treat me who had known me before I started experiencing personality changes. I also thought perhaps my memory might function better if I were in a place and around people I was familiar with. We moved back here, intending to stay only until my father-in-law passed. The battle with my mother-in-law of manipulation, control, and overstepping boundaries started again. I told her if she keeps it up, I am going to take the kids, leave again, and never return. She knows I mean it and backs off, so that is the card I play every time it gets out of hand. I recently learned that my nephew who she is raising (yes, she went for custody of other children too, and caused another woman to lose custody of her children in an attempt to get them for herself) molested my son. I feel sick inside...very sick inside...anger and nausea. Now that my mother-in-law has custody of my nephew, she is more obsessed with him than she is with my children. I see it as a blessing, but pray for him daily. And she did try to kill my father-in-law by not giving him food or water when he was too ill to take care of himself. Why he trusted her to take care of him, I'll never understand. A family friend and I ended up taking care of him until his natural end came after I heard her tell the hospice worker she wasn't feeding him because he couldn't swallow and I knew he could. Mike's uncles gained a new respect for me...enough to mention to me that they no-longer believe the lies that Mike's mom told them about me. It is the start of new relationships, but I still feel a lot of anxiety around them all. I go to the family reunions so they can see the kids, but don't see them other than that and at funerals. I see Mike's mom weekly as she visits he kids under my supervision, and I don't answer phone calls from her except on that day. It's all I can handle and still be able to keep focused with the things God has called me to. And now that I've learned of the repeated molestation, I'm not sure how to handle it. I know cutting off her Friday visits with the kids will start another war. Also, doing anything other than pretending that my nephew is an absolute saint will start a war. He is so out of control...and this is her typical response: He tripped my daughter causing her to tear her tights and there was blood running down her leg. My daughter says, "Warren tripped me and I'm hurt and bleeding." My mother-in-law says," he did NOT trip you, I saw the whole thing, you are not hurt, and there is no blood." While we are all sitting there looking at the blood, we are supposed to pretend it's not there and believe what she says because she said it. It's totally insane. I was afraid to take my daughter to the bathroom to clean her leg. I caught Warren once holding a knife to Philip's throat when he was about 3 years old. He also nearly drowned him in the bathtub by holding his head underwater. He pinches my other daughter under the water at the swimming pool. And I listen to my mother-in-laws stories every week about how Warren is such a passive child, will avoid confrontation at costs, everybody picks on him for no reason, etc. etc. etc. I just want to throw up. Warren is 11 now, and approaching puberty. Everything in me says to cut off all ties before things get worse. I want to leave the area because she stalks us periodically...showing up everywhere we go saying she can see her grand kids in public anytime she wants. I fear both the war that will start if I cut off contact, and what may happen to my children once Warren's testosterone levels increase during puberty. I don't want them to know where we live. I don't want to have to deal with this on a daily basis. The truth is that we do not have the money to move, nor do we want to leave Mike's job or our church. My threat to leave town with the kids is an empty threat.

B. I sensed that when I worked at 20th Street Bank, that they were wanting to fire me, but didn't have legal grounds. The reason I believe now looking back at the people they chose to do this to, is that they felt their jobs were threatened by anyone who would come to work that had more than half a brain. Anyhow, it was a battle of sorts. They were trying to trip me up to have reason to fire me...putting me in positions without adequate training so I'd make a mistake and they could fire me. When that didn't work, they would undermine my work by misfiling checks I had already filed. I stayed one step ahead of them (oh how I wish my brain worked like that again), and also helped train other people off the clock that I saw them trying to do the same thing to. They also tried making me so miserable, I'd quit. They would stand watch and time me in the bathroom...lol...and dock it from my scheduled break time. When I lost that job, I was both relieved the battle was over, and proud that I didn't quit. I had legal grounds to sue, and one of the accountants told me he'd help me get a lawyer, but I was just so relieved at the thought of not having to look at them another day, that I just moved on...proud of myself for not quitting. The way the firing went down was they called me at home and told me that a "stop payment" had been ordered on a large check that went through. That was my job responsibility at the time. They told me to stay home for three days as a disciplinary action until they learned whether or not the bank was going to have to eat the cost, and whether or not I would be fired over it. When I returned to work to find out whether or not I had a job, I was fired for failure to show up for work without notifying them. I figured the stop payment issue was sabotage, and prayed that God would work it out. But I didn't see the absentee thing coming. I also learned later that there was no check that mistakenly went through. That battle went on for a little over a year. I went on to nursing school and don't think about it much. But it did a lot to my ability to trust people.

5. RAPE, SEXUAL MOLESTATION, BEING ASSULTED WITH A WEAPON, ROBBERY
A. Rape: I was stalked and raped in college. I didn't know I was stalked until during the rape when I asked him why me...and he said that I had hugged him at church. He had been following me for weeks waiting for an opportunity. I remember sensing I was being followed that night. I worked at MU helping a handicapped student with personal care. It was Christmas break and the building was locked. I tried to get inside the building by banging on the windows trying to get someone's attention. He pulled me down from the window sill...and I don't remember the rest. My only other memories are that afterwards, he came into the grocery store where I worked and came through the line at my register. I told my boss he was harrassing me and he was banned from the grocery store. He called my mother's house and left a phone number with her for me to call him. I took the phone number to the RA who knew what had happend and said he'd take care of it. He was able to locate him from the number. The RA told me that the rapist was married and had children...and raped me because he was on holiday break and was bored. I can't even remember if he was black or white. I put it behind me. I won't say it wasn't traumatic, but it's behind me. I don't hug males at church anymore unless it is someone I know and trust. During the part of the service where everyone is supposed to greet people they don't know, I feel scared and try to keep to myself. When people approach me to greet me or introduce themselves, I try to be polite and inwardly have an anxiety attack. I think it's rediculous to force people to greet strangers in one minute or less. I prefer to get to know people through classes where we can interact and get to know each other over a period of time so trust can develop. And I want to say this too... recently there was a man in my cell group that I did trust. I'd known him for many years...but we weren't close. He was telling me something that God had told him while he was praying that he thought was for me. I don't remember what the thing was, but he held my hands while he was telling me and looked straight into my eyes. It made me VERY uncomfortable and I told him so. I said, "Do you have to hold my hands while you tell me because it makes me VERY uncomfortable", and he told me yes and didn't let go of my hands. I got so sick I went outside and vomited. I couldn't go back to cell group for several months due to anxiety attacks. Later I played the whole thing down telling him that I was uncomfortable because my back hurt. I feel like I can go to groups on my own now, but for many months I felt that I had to have my friend Steve with me to feel safe. Steve went off to pray with someone else and I was alone. Another man (Pastor Keith) asked me how I managed to get off mom duty to get out of the house to come to cell group. I told him not to say anything but the reason I got out was because it was my birthday and my husband said I could do anything I wanted, and I wanted to go to cell group. The reason I didn't want him to say anything was because we were at a person's house to pray over it as the son was going to be coming home from prison...not there to celebrate my birthday. He announced across the room for everyone to hear, that it was my birthday. That hurt me deeply. He thought it was funny, but I don't trust him anymore...and he was someone I previously trusted. I distrust him as much as someone who raped me. My kids had wanted him to baptize them because they were scared and thought he would allow them to call the shots...like how private/public, whether or not they could wear goggles, etc. I don't want him anywhere near my kids and told them we will find someone else to baptize them. A bit over-reactive I suppose. But the trust is broken...a trust I valued. I'd tell him how I feel if I thought it mattered to him. He doesn't have time to listen or care.

B. Sexual molestation: This one hits closer to home and is not totally behind me. It has caused me to be very protective of my children. (but still not protective enough to keep my son from being molested). When I was very young...5 or 6 years old maybe. I was at K-Mart with my parents. They were looking at the cameras in the glass case...like the jewelry cases they have now. I was leaning with my back to the case. A stranger came up beside me and I started feeling the sensation of his hand in my pants and between my legs. I went into shock. I was terrified. I tried to walk between my parents and so he couldn't touch me again. He was following us. My parents scolded me for being too close to them. I felt totally abandoned by them. I wasn't able to articulate to them what was happening. I never did.

It happened again when I was about 10. This time I was at a drive in movie with my brother, 2 sisters, and 5 cousins. We were all piled into the front of the van so we could all see the movie. I was on my older cousin David's lap. It was a hot summer night and I was wearing shorts. I started feeling the sensation of his finger penetrating me. Again, I went into shock. I froze..was paralyzed. The thought that went through my head was that I had to be imagining it. He would never do that...it wasn't happening. Nothing was ever said. Nothing was ever done about it. I just never went anywhere with my cousin again. My grandfather has passed on and I have no reason to ever see him again. He didn't even come to my mother's funeral. I was relieved. This event was traumatic enough that it just erased the next memory I was going to write about. Ugh.

C. Being assulted with a weapon: I was married to Mike and living at his mother's house for a short time until we could find an apartment that would take our chows. Mike's brother Matt also lived there. I had just come in to get some water for the dogs and left the door open so I could carry the water back out without having to put it down to re-open the door. Mike's brother yelled to me to shut the door. I told him I'd get it in just a minute, as I was watering the dogs. The next thing I knew when I turned around from the kitchen sink, he had the barrell of his rifle touching my forhead. He said in a very strained almost demonic voice, " I-said-shut-the-door!" I don't have any memory after that, but I'm alive so he obviously didn't shoot me. Irene (I've already described her to you) said that never could have happened because Matt doesn't even own a gun...lol. I asked her to explain the bullet hole in his ceiling then...that was before I learned that it's better to just go along with her. I'm supposed to believe he's not on drugs either, even though he's growing pot in his bedroom. I told Irene I didn't think it was oregano. Live and learn. I try to stay away from there as much as possible, and have tried to keep my kids away from there. They are sick and twisted people and I don't want bad stuff to happen to my kids. I'm very stressed right now because Mike as made plans to go there Christmas Eve. I'm sick over it. He says it will be fine because Steve is going with us. Steve says he can run interferrance. Mike says nothing bad will happen with Steve there. I get so stressed out, I've actually considered suicide to keep from having to go...a stupid non-productive thought, I know...but yet, it occured to me. My more productive thoughts were to pray for peace and protection. Also, I've prayed that Mike would get called to work out of town so we could all go, and not have to see any family for the holidays. I can't watch everybody every minute while we are there. And sometimes even when I see what's happening, I feel powerless to do anything about it. It's during these types of visits that Philip has been getting molested. I never know what to expect from Matt...his behavior is very odd and unpredictable. I have every reason to believe he is on drugs, but it might be more than that. A neighbor who knew him growing up told me he used to kill her dogs during satanic rituals. They just creep me out and I don't want me or my kids to be around them. I was in group therapy with a girl who was involved in satanic rituals. Just listening to her stories were traumatizing as she was trying to figure out if she should tell the parents of a missing child that she knows what happened to their child, or if it would be better for them to never know. I've learned that satanic cults are very active in this area and I just don't want my kids around it. When Matt comes around my house (he came to steal our truck once), I just stay inside, lock the doors, and call my husband.

D. Robbery: Our house in Huntington was robbed while we were living in SC, and guess where I keep finding things that were once mine? You guessed it...at my mother-in-law's. I have chosen to ignore it. I don't care about the stuff...but I do care that she has such little respect for us. It makes me very angry, so I try not to think of it for too long...just toss those thoughts right out as soon as they come in. I think I did ask her once why she had my grandmother's jewely, and she told me that it's for Ashley when she gets older...she deserves it, she said, and she is going to make sure she gets it because she knows I won't. She stole the twin beds that go with our bedroom suit...that is aggrivating because I need them. She said she was going to lend them to her niece who needed them temporarily, and when I asked for them back, she told me I must have dreamt it...ugh. Her neice has no knowledge of it either. Back to the house robbery, my renter told me the house was robbed. My father has insurance on the house, but I didn't want to get him involved. I don't think it covers contents anyway...but it does cover renters. We just wrote it off in our heads, but then I started finding things that were supposedly stolen at my mother-in-law's house...my grandmother's antique rocking chair, her crystal, china, and jewelry. My mother-in-law says that during one of the floods, the renters (who were friends of ours) put everything outside and neighbors were just walking up and stealing it all. If I think about her too long I get discusted, confused, and feel sick. She said she was just keeping the neighbors from stealing it by taking it herself to keep it from getting stolen. She's convinced herself that it is hers legally because they called some govt. dept. who told them that everything had to be thown out that was contaminated by sewage in the flood waters. So, since it had to be thrown out, and since she wanted it, it's hers now. Whatever. She's a thief in my eyes...and a liar. Everything she says is a lie...that's why I get so confused around her. It drives me nuts. Mike was the same way when I met him...but God is good. He changes people who want to be changed. I do think there is hope for my mother-in-law. But I'd like to pray for her at a safe distance and let God do the work, not me.

Another robbery. There was someone in my parent's house once. I had been asleep on the couch, and could hear someone walking around upstairs. I went next door and called 911. The police came and found where someone had ransacked my parents' closet. They searched the house to make sure it was safe for me to re-enter and didn't find anyone. Wow, I have no memory of my parents blaming me...lol. That's a first. I can't remember them being there before or after. But I do remember that they kept their valuables in a drawer that wasn't touched. As far as they could tell, nothing was taken.

Another robbery. I was asleep in my bed in an apartment where I lived alone. I awoke to hear someone in the bathroom. I pretended I was asleep. He took my gold chain, some worthless jewelry, and a wothless oil painting I had brought back from Haiti. He never bothered me, and I was so relieved when the person left. I never got a good look, but had known my door was locked so I suspected it was someone connected with the landlord who had a key. I moved out after that.

A friend took me for $11,000. The only trauma about that is that my husband told me to let it go and not persue legal action. I had a contract that would have held up in court. I had no reason not to trust her. I had co-signed a loan for her for $6,000 to make her van handicap accessable, and had to make some of the paymnets myself when she ran into some financial trouble. She paid it back as she was able...so I trusted her to do the same. This time I leant her $13,000 to move to Maine. The contract stated that if she was unable to pay, that the property would become mine, or be sold to pay back what she owed me. Well, she paid back $2,000, then sold the property and moved with no forwarding address. The reason it is traumatic is because I feel like such a fool. I realized as I was helping her pack to leave that she was not taking responsibility for her house here. She was going to just abandon it and her mortgage. Something in my core told me that if this is who she had become, then I was next, but the paperwork was signed, the money had already been transferred, and I dismissed my gut feeling because I chose to trust that my friend would not do that to me. It also has caused problems in my marriage. Mike keeps telling me that I never should have lent her the money in the first place, that is why he's not permitting me to get it back...to learn a lesson about not listening to him. I will obey my husband, but I'm so frustrated. It was money I had earned and saved before we were married. I felt it was mine to do with as I felt God was leading me. Mike doesn't let me forget how wrong I was. I will always feel like I owe him $11,000 that I can't pay back. If I could get it back, I wouldn't feel like it's hanging over my head. It's been three years now. I'm sure my ex-friend doesn't still have it to get it back. I feel stressed because I can't make it right.

Now that I can't work, I feel stressed over every cent that is spent on my medical bills, my supplements, and even the homeschool curriculum (because other mom's can organize their own free curriculum from the library and the internet...and I'm just not able to organize well anymore). I absolutely hate feeling that I am a financial burden on my family. I hate myself for it and it's a major reason I struggle with suicide. I tell myself that if I were to killl myself, the insurance wouldn't pay for the funeral and I'd just be putting more of a financial burden on them, so it wouldn't solve the problem...lol. It works to deter that line of thinking. My main reason for not killing myself is that I believe God is in control and has a purpose for me being here or I wouldn't still be here. It's up to him when my time is. But sometimes I do things like not go to the doctor, or quit taking my supplements because I just can't cope with the guilt of spending Mike's money on me. I want/need a job...but lately all my applications have been turned down. That's not ever happened before. I must not be interviewing well because I know people are desperate for holiday help. It must be very appearant to others now that I'm mentally ill. I've not worked since Olivia was born...that's been two years. One girl from church even told me that she's always wondered how I can afford a new van when I don't work. It hurts. The van isn't new, and God has blessed us through my brother who gave us his vehicle for a trade in. Also, up until this year it was a full time job homeschooling the kids, keeping up with the baby, and the house....and I worked midnight shifts on top of it when I was pregnant...perhaps that is how my adrenals shut down in the first place. The Bible says if you don't work, you shouldn't eat. That thought runs through my head constantly. I feel that I don't deserve medical care, medication, supplements, or food because I don't work...and because I threw $11,000 to the wind.

Now, I'm at a loss as to what to do with myself. I tried working at the school, but I couldn't do the job becasue of the chemical exposures. My adrenals crashed again and my doctor said to expect it to take from 6 months to two years for them to recover. I'm taking cortizone to be able to function. I don't want to give myself unnesesary stress or chemical exposures. This is supposed to be a time of rest to give them a chance to heal. Just doing the grocery shopping causes me to become very dizzy and confused. For six months, I wasn't even allowed to exercise, but now I'm allowed to walk, and love doing it. I put the baby in a backcarrier and take her with me. But feeling guilty every day just for existing isn't rest. I need a paying job to make the guilt go away.

And the school lied to me...said it had been approved that they'd pay me $10 a day. Week three rolled around with no paycheck, so I asked and was told it hadn't been approved. I became angry because of their lie, I was in debt $90 to my babysitter. I had only made our financial situation worse by working. Plus I had to buy clothes as they required I follow their dress code. I did it for a few more weeks knowing I wasn't going to be paid until I just couldn't physically do it anymore, and quit. I face them everyday I drop the kids off and pick them up. Mike told me not to say anything because whatever waves I cause will affect the kids. He told me to deal with it and forgive them. Lynette reminds me of my mother-in-law. She walked all over me and verbally abuses the kids while I would stand by feeling powerless and watch. I'm glad to not be there anymore, but feel I should do something, say something so that she will not keep thinking it's ok. Maybe I never understood what my position was there. I was surprised to not be invited to the teacher meetings. How was I supposed to tutor the kids when I didn't know the teachers and what they were expecting of the kids? All the other kids I ever tutored, I met with their instructors and parents. We put together a plan with everyone's input. At the school, the kids were telling me that they didn't need my help, didn't have any assignments to work on, etc. What am I supposed to do? I don't have diagnostic tests. I thought they'd tell me what needs done. Also, I had between 16 and 23 kids at one time. How could I possibly tutor any of them. My time was spent doing crowd control...which I think I would have been more effective at if Lynette hadn't kept undermining me in front of the kids. It was rediculous. I wanted it to work, but didn't see how it possibly could. I told Larry I needed someone to go to with problems. Lynnette was that person, but she was also the problem. I learned from my first conversation with her that she wasn't interested in anything I had to say. Anyhow, it's over. I need to look for a new job. One I'm capable of doing, and one that pays something, even if it is very little.

Well, that's all I have to say about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Need Relief from Confusion...please pray

2007-11-18T12:57:00.000-05:00

I'm having a very challenging day...
Challenging because my mind is being bombarded with negative thoughts.
Thoughts of failure in doing everything possible to raise my children to know, love, and serve God.
Thoughts of tons of things that maybe I should be doing and am not doing.
Confusion about whether or not the financial investment in my mental health is worth it.
What part am I to play? Is it laziness or wisdom to leave it all to God?
I can't figure it all out. It's overwhelming. I'm not God. I don't know what my body/mind needs...and doctors don't know either. I keep throwing money down the drain hoping they will be able to fix me. I don't know if that is wise or wasteful. I'm so confused. I spend a lot of time researching and money experimenting on myself. Would that time be better spent in prayer and trusting God to fix me? Or is that slacking?
I hurt all over. I'm exhausted. My husband is frustrated with me as usual. I need God's intervention. Whether I've messed up somehow (by eating samples at Sam's, or not lying down early enough last night), I need to know what to do different. Or I need to know that I should just wait on Him and do nothing. Confusion is so...well, confusing!!! LOL. It's a form of torment.

Happiness for me is working toward a goal. When I'm confused about what the goal is or how to get there, I'm in torment. When I know the goal and am not able to get there, I'm in torment. Oh how I need God to intervene!!!! I need order, I need direction. I need to not be so confused.

My brother went on Ritalin recently with seemingly great results. It makes me want to try the same. Is that the solution? Is that a cop-out? Is it short-term relief causing long-term destruction? I need God to lead me. The last time I asked my pastor to pray with me for God to lead me in an area I was confused about, he told me to quit asking God to do things for me that I can do myself. I wish he would take the time to explain what exactly he meant so that his words would quit torturing me. I'm asking God for help anyway...He's big enough to determine if He wants to help me or not. It doesn't hurt to ask...or does it?

This doesn't happen to me all the time, but when it does, I'm like a fish flopping around out of the water trying desperately to get back to the water where everyhing makes sense. I need an ordered job description each day that is do-able. I can't cope with mind games. I need relief from the confusion. I need to know what I need and how to obtain it.

Gratitude Journal November 17, 2007

2007-11-17T20:45:00.000-05:00

1. Ashley and Philip both trusted me enough this week to tell me about some emotionally sensitive very private things going on in their lives. One of my goals as a parent has been to build the type of relationship that they can feel comfortable telling me anything. I'm very grateful to see that goal coming to fruition.

2. I bought one of those microfiber cloths that people have been raving about at the dollar store. I have been having the best time blessing my home. This cloth is amazing...it even cleaned my windows with no streaking, no chemicals, and no need to buff. Once I got started with it, I just couldn't stop. Some people get excited about shopping. I get excited about cleaning. Before I became ill, it was such a passion that I cleaned several homes a week just for the exercise and fun of it. Today I am grateful to have a day I feel well enough to clean...and that this cloth makes it so much easier.

3. The kids had company over last night. Our guest was delightful as usual. I'm very grateful for our friends. Some friends who moved away earlier this year will be visiting overnight this Friday. We are looking forward to it.

4. I found a bed for Philip today at an estate sale today. I may have mentioned that he is 10 years old and still sleeping in his toddler bed...God is answering prayer. I'm not quite sure how we are going to get the bed to fit into the room, but we'll keep working on that.

5. We went shopping today for groceries, and I found a musical book for my niece Arleigh...one more item to cross off the list. I'm praying I'll have everything ready in time. I'm working on one thing/day so I don't get overwhelmed. I'm grateful that each day, I'm able to cross at least one thing off my lists...whether it's a gift located, a gift project completed, or a task accomplished.

6. I put my Gazelle in the middle of the living room floor for lack of any other place to keep it. I'm pleased to see all the kids using it. We all will benefit from more exercise.

Gratitude Journal November 15, 2007

2007-11-15T18:04:00.000-05:00

1. I'm very grateful that my mother-in-law has no legal rights to my children. Let's just leave it at that. And pray for me for wisdom and boldness.

2. I survived my first counseling appointment, and even thought it went well. My brain is mush now though due to all the stressful memories that were drudged up as she was getting background information on me. A mushy brain is a huge source of entertainment for me and my kids. We spent an hour searching the house for a salad I misplaced...lol. Among the other things I've misplaced today, my false tooth was one of them. I do hope we find it soon, as a replacement will be costly. I'm grateful that my family can see the humor in it are so willing to help me search for things I misplace.

3. One more Christmas gift got crossed off the list today!

4. Just 5 more days till next cell group.

Turkey Cobbler with Bisquick

2007-11-15T17:53:00.000-05:00

Turkey Cobbler
1 can Cream of Potato soup
½ cup milk
½ cup water
3 cloves minced garlic
¼ tsp black pepper
¼ tsp thyme
¼ tsp basil leaves
1 tbsp minced onion
3 cups cooked shredded or cubed turkey
2 cups frozen vegetables (I prefer carrots, broccoli, peas, corn, or a combination)
1 ½ cups bisquick
½ cup milk (in addition to above)
¼ cup egg substitute, or one egg

Combine first 8 ingredients in a bowl. Add turkey and veggies, pour into 8x8 pan. Mix bisquick, milk, and egg in bowl, spoon onto turkey mixture. Bake at 400 degrees Fahrenheit for 30-40 minutes.

Slow Cooker Turkey Soup

2007-11-15T17:01:00.000-05:00

Slow Cooker Turkey Soup

4 cups cooked cubed or shredded turkey
1 can chicken broth
3 cloves minced garlic
4 cups water
2 cups sliced carrots
2 bay leaves
½ tsp black pepperbarley, noodles, or cooked rice

Combine all ingredients in crock pot, cover and cook on low 8-10 hours. If using barley, use 1 cup and add with rest of ingredients. If using noodles or rice (1-2 cups), prepare as directed on package and stir in at the end of cooking time.

Hiding from the Homeschoolers

2007-11-15T11:47:00.000-05:00

I just realized that many moms from my homeschool group are bloggers here. I'm glad now I haven't used any identifying information. I've enjoyed getting a deeper look at them through their blogs, but am not so certain I want them to get a deeper look at me.

I don't know why it matters. I guess I don't want the stigma of mental illness to follow me into my daily life outside of my home. I think I've been fairly good at looking normal...I mean my clothes match and are appropriate for the weather most days...lol. My kids are fantastic! Not a day outside of our home goes by that someone doesn't complement us on what a wonderful family we are and what fantastic kids I have...even complete strangers. Our librarian has mentioned that other homeschool families seem so strange to her, but we are normal. I think we seem normal because the kids are very happy, confident, very social, and don't dress weird...well maybe when they were younger and I let them pick out their own clothes...lol. They still pick out their own clothes, but they choose clothes that look like what everyone else is wearing...within the limits of modesty.

But that is where normalicy ends. It's always been difficult for me to have a conversation with any of them. They all seem so capable and intellegent...and don't seem to be able to comprehend my struggles. We live in different worlds. My strength as a homeschooling mother has been loving my kids and teaching them to love and respect themselves and others. They love God and are eager to please Him (as it should be). Nothing I do is easy. Things that are simple for others are a major battle for me...one I believe is worth engaging in however. Many things are let go...like try as I might I may never be able to make bread from scratch, or be a good organizer or leader. However, I can pray and ask God to lead me to the solution He has for me for a particular problem or task.

As I read the other blogs, I can feel myself becoming slightly envious over how much these other moms accomplish and how blessed their families are because of them and their amazing capabilities. We get by. And I am very grateful for the few people in our homeschool circles that have compassion for us rather than looking down their nose as so many do at my lack of taking on a lot of responsibility outside of my home. I've learned the hard way not to commit to anything long term. I never know from one day to the next what I'm capable of. I've tried so many times...and have had to quit midstream because I just couldn't do the job any longer. I hate being undependable, and having to give explanations...very embarrassing, very humbling.

There are two homeschoolers in particular who have reached out to our family. One is a leader of the co-op school. She is actually a grandmother raising her grandson. I've let her down so many times. And you know what she says to me? She asks if there is anything she can do to help. She is an example of Christ's love to me. ..one that I've needed so desperately at other times in my life. I haven't needed her help at this stage in life, but I sooooo appreciate that she is willing to offer it.

The other homeschooler who has reached out to us is my girls' Scout leader. She is also a grandmother and is raising a wonderful daughter she adopted. She understands that there is something wrong with me that keeps me from being able to "do my part". She always lets me know that anything I do is appreciated, but not a necessity. Instead of refusing to talk to me like some of the other mothers have done, or questioning the validity of my excuses, she always talks to me eye to eye with respect. She offeres to pick my children up for events and to bring them home. She knew my mother, and in some ways, I see my mother in her. She is a true blessing.

I've had to back away from most of our homeschool group activities for the most part because I find socializing to be extreemly stressful. Most people are not kind, especially in the Christian group. I used to think I needed the groups for my kids to get the socialization they needed, and for the groups to organize field trips that I wouldn't be able to organize myself. In the smaller groups we've been in, those were needs that were met through the groups, but now that the groups are so large...it's almost like it's become a corporation without a heart. We are more involved with our church now, and it's a much healthier place for socialization.

I'm not sure what my place is in the homeschool community. The general gist of it all is that every mom do her part to contribute to the benefit of all. I have nothing to contribute. I even had to quit working with the toddlers at our co-op because I just didn't have the physical strength to carry the supplies back and forth from the van with my toddler on my hip. Not one person offered to help as they watch me struggling. I sense that they just gawk...which might be paranoia on my part. And I didn't have the emotional strength to respond well to high expectations of the other mothers. There's no pleasing some people. I couldn't tolerate the chemicals they insisted their kids use to disinfect their hands prior to snacks. I guess handwashing with soap and water is a thing of the past. I just didn't belong there...and I FINALLY (after years of trying to fit in) realized it and quit forcing myself. I'm healthier for it with less stress in my life. But I grieve the loss of what I imagined in my mind that it "could" have been.

At the church, when I mentioned I'd had lead toxicity and was not well, there was a spirit of acceptance in the air. I'm still trying to find where I fit in there, and how I can contribute. But like I said...not a day goes by that they don't tell me how wonderful my children are and how much they enjoy having them there. They attribute that to me and how I've raised them. I attribute it to the grace of God. There is a healing atmosphere there. I can relax, and be myself, not pretend anything. It's all ok... the good days and the days I struggle to get through. I can just be me, and allow others to minister to me. Eventually I hope to find my place to minister to others.

Thanksgiving Poem

2007-11-14T23:32:00.000-05:00

Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!

Gratitude Journal November 14, 2007

2007-11-14T21:53:00.000-05:00

1. I'm grateful my son remembered the name of our postman so we can bless him this year with a Christmas ornament with his name painted on it.

2. We attended another baby shower...another first time mom. It blesses me to be able to offer babysitting services and to be able to pass a few of our no-longer-needed items along. (along with some new items as well).

3. I had energy today. It was a very full day, and I'm glad I was able to keep up with all the demands. I even tackled cleaning off a bookshelf that I've been wanting to do for months. Making progress with the house makes me very happy.

4. The money is coming in from some jobs we did a while back. I'm grateful to have more to work with. It takes some pressure off and allows me to be more generous towards others.

5. I feel peaceful inside today...a feeling I've been missing for quite a while. I welcome it, and pray it lasts.

Christmas Lists

2007-11-13T07:47:00.000-05:00

I just need a place to organize the stuff...and the people who will get the stuff...lol.
I hope/pray that someday I will actually enjoy doing this. At least I recognize that the stress is from fearing people will be disappointed in their gifts. When I anticipate that someone will be very pleased, I do enjoy it. So, Lord, help me to do this gift giving tradition to please you, and not to please others. Let me hear what you desire to bless others with through me.

The stuff: The people:

Two popcorn tins-?
2 cookie tins-?
2 candy boxes-?
Rotisserie ?
wooden rocking horse- Olivia
Waffle Stick maker- Philip
$50 Olive Garden Gift Card- Lee
Petridge Farm gift pack- Dad
Cookies/Fudge- JJ, Deb
Coffee BasketFudge- Dan
Antique Serving Tray- Irene
New Pillows- My kids
Slow and Steady Books- Maxwell's, Fisher's, and Cometto's
Snowbaby ornament-?
Mickey Mouse decoration, figurine, and picture frame- Uncle Danny
M&M container and figurine- Ashley
Whinnie the Poo Music Books- Arleigh and Seth
Chili's Gift Card- Irene
3 Little Books- Olivia
Chair Massager- ?
Antique Girl Scout Book- Ms. Nancy

Little Michael wants Spongebob coloring book
Arleigh and Seth want fisher price doll house people and figurines
Benjamin wants ???
Alexandra ???

Ideas/Shopping list:
Family Christmas Tree ornament for Danny & Kathy, Steve, and the Petries
Discipleship Journal Magazine subscription for Uncle Steve
New Electronics Kit for Philip
Blockbuster Coupons for each of my kids
Sponge Bob towel and coloring book, crayons, and siscors for Michael
Coffee mugs for Dan and Heidi to add to coffee basket
WalMart gift cards for garbage men
Ornament for mailman
Fudge and cookies for teachers- with homemade reigndeer candy cane ornaments
Boxes or containers for fudge/cookies
New Bedding for Heather, Ashley, and Philip...sheets, comforters, and skirt for Philip
Egg Crate mattresses for kids- 2 twin, one queen
Twin Mattress cover for Philip

Christmas Card List:
My address list is outlook express. Mike said for me to go ahead and get started. I'd like to include a picture of the family in our cards this year, as well as an annual family newletter. We didn't do a monthly one this year. Better get busy.
Jeff & Amy
Beth
Sally
Lee
Vicki
Susan
Kim
Alterina
Loretta
Demettria Curry
Mike Kirtley
Dad&Lee
Linda&Alan
Deanna&JJ
Irene
Helen (?)
Ms. Joyce
Bill and Jean
Hutchisons
Ms. Roslyn
Dan & Heidi
Melinda Vance
Angie Harrison
Nancy Imhoff
Richard

A Great Idea!!!
When you are making out your Christmas card list this year, please include the following:
A Recovering American soldier
c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center
6900 Georgia Avenue,NW
Washington ,D.C. 20307-5001
If you approve of the idea, please pass it on to your e-mail list.

THE PEOPLE:
Philip: Waffle Maker, Polly Pocket thing,
Heather:
Ashley:M&M canister, M&M figurine,
Olivia: Rocking Horse, 3 little books,
Mike:
Steve:
Deb&Hack:
Danny:
Kathey:
Benjamin:
Alexandra:
Linda: Parenting Book, dancing frog
Alan: fudge, cookies
Arleigh: Music Book
Seth: Music Book
Deanna: Childplay book, family ornament
JJ: Cookies and Fudge
Michael: Towel, coloring book, crayons, siscors
New Baby: Baby ornament (baby 2007)
Dad: Pepridge Farm
Lee: $50 Olive Garden, Box of Chocolate
Irene: $45 Chilis, Box of Chocolate
Matt: Fudge and Cookies
Petries: Family Ornament, popcorn tin
Soncha: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Bethany: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Ms. Moore: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Ms. Day: (English) Fudge and Cookies, Card
Mr. Bryant (gym teacher): Fudge and Cookies, Card
Ms. Amy: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Larry: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Mr. Trawick (Science,Math): Fudge and Cookies, Card
Bible Teacher: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Mrs. Lydack (music): Fudge and Cookies, Card
Ms. Lynette: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Mr. Beater: Peppridge Farm from Sam's, Card
Chuck and Jamie: Girl Scout Nuts, Card
Becky Carpenter: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Angie and Sam: Fudge and Cookies, Card
Alterina: Card, Gift Card for Ryan's & Walmart
Nancy: Girl Scout Book
Pat and Julia:
Danny (mailman):
Garbage Men:

Prayer Requests

2007-11-13T07:40:00.000-05:00

* Mike rest
* Olivia's cavity
* Holiday Stress
* Family finances - job opportunities, budgeting
* Philip's computer
* Zona's pregnant daughter- toxemia

Gratitude Journal November 13, 2007

2007-11-13T07:29:00.000-05:00

1. We had unexpected company for dinner. The cool thing about it is that when I was wrapping the extra meat to freeze, a little voice told me to cook the extra instead. I just figured maybe I'll use the leftovers to make stew or something. But it turned out that I wasn't able to get the car to the mechanics as planned, and Mike solicited help from a friend who then stayed for dinner.

2. Olivia took an extra long nap allowing the older kids more opportunity to work on their school assignments without interruption.

3. I had a day of rest. I'm not sure what I'm fighting off, but am grateful to get extra rest while I'm not feeling well.

4. I'm encouraged by scripture, and by a book that I'm reading...that my simple-mindedness is no surprise to God, and He has made provision for me to still carry out His will in my life. He's equipping me to train my children in His ways, to do my housework, to be a help-meet to my husband, and to pray for my brothers and sisters in Christ and for the lost.

Why Homeschool?

2007-11-13T07:25:00.001-05:00

Like Abraham, I should direct my children and my household after me to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just. (Genesis 18:19)

I will learn to fear You all the days I live on the earth and teach Your words to my children. (Deuteronomy 4:10)

Why study God's Word?

2007-11-13T06:46:00.000-05:00

"The entrance of Your words gives light; It gives understanding to the simple." (Psalm 119:130)

Good enough reason for me. I need understanding of what is true in this world with so much conflicting information and conflicting values.

Today, I also read about how the disciples labored in vain all night trying to catch fish. But when Jesus told them to cast their nets on the other side of the boat, they obeyed, and caught a lot of fish. This story blessed me because I can see that on my own, I can do all that I know to do to be well and to do my duties. But if only I could hear Jesus and obey Him...then the fruit will come. It will be from obeying Him. It won't depend on how hard I work, or how smart I am. It will come from obeying Him.

So, that is why I study God's Word. It is one of the ways God talks to me. I can be reading along, and then all of the sudden, I hear a small voice saying something like, "pray for Zona" or whatever. Or I'll gain an insight like above which is God's answer to my heart's longing....to not be so simple minded, so I can serve Him in great ways the way my pastor and many people at my church do. His answer....He makes provision for the simple minded...He gives understanding through His Word. If I can hear Him, I can choose to obey Him, and I will be blessed.

I love His Word. Even when I first started reading and understood very little, I still was blessed by the huge amount of peace it brought me just reading it. My boyfriend back then blessed me with a Thompson's Chain Bible with a topical index so I was able to see what God said about various topics. That is very helpful.

The Spirit vs. The Flesh

2007-11-12T15:39:00.000-05:00

"We worship God in the Spirit, and rejoice in Christ Jesus, and have no confidence in the flesh" (Philippians 3:3)

I'm not really sure about the meaning of this, but do know that
I have no confidence in my flesh. So, finally, it appears I'm doing something right. I also worship God in the Spirit, and I rejoice in Christ Jesus. Wow! 3 for 3. I usually end my Bible study time very discouraged with my many shortcomings, but for once it appears my shortcomings are a strength.

Chip Brogden of http://www.theschoolofchrist.org/ says, "To lose all confidence in the flesh is to take the higher ground of the Spirit. To meet flesh with flesh means the victory will go to the strongest, and there is always someone stronger than you according to the flesh. "

"It is the Spirit that gives life; the flesh profits nothing" (John 6:63).

I find this all very confusing. All I know to do is to feed my spirit with scripture as best I can, to pray in the spirit, and to ask God for strength to carry out what He desires of me...and allow the victory (or defeat) to rest on His head and not mine.

I'm sick in bed today with my toddler destroying the house and my husband aggrivated with me for not taking the van to the repair shop as he asked me to. I tried, I really did. I dressed the baby twice only to have her take her clothes off. I don't have the strength to dress myself today. It's one of those days I wish I were dead already so I'd have a good excuse to not have done what I should of. The house needs vacuumed. I did manage to start the crockpot with dinner before I started vomiting. I couldn't keep my meds and supplements down. No, I have no confidence in my flesh. If anything...I'm at constant war with it. I need God moment by moment to accomplish His will, and to keep my mind in line with scripture. I need Him to assure me that when I fail despite all my efforts, that I'm still His. I'm still loved. And everything is still ok.

Gratitude Journal Nov 12, 2007

2007-11-12T08:59:00.000-05:00

1. The reds and yellows have really come out in the trees today. The most vibrant yellow tree is right outside my bedroom window...so beautiful. Also, there is a red maple near the park that is just spectacular looking.

2. It turns out that the guy that sold us our van is now working at Kia as a mechanic. He told us that it is still under warrenty for 6,000 more miles...for us to bring it over and he will take care of it. I'm so grateful. We wont have to spend next summer trying to beat the heat without AC in the van. Also, there is a noise that has been concerning me, and I'm glad to be able to get it checked out.

3. I'm back on track with my small exercise routine thanks to the person I lent my Gazelle to returning it. I'm very appreciative. It's been difficult trying to time my walks since I can nolonger take Olivia with me due to the colder weather and since it's dark in the mornings now before she wakes up. Now I can just head to the basement before the family wakes up...it's still a nice time in the presence of God.

This Week's To-Do List

2007-11-12T08:43:00.000-05:00

Monday Nov 12:
Take car to get sound checked and AC fixed.
Return overdue library books
Target to get laundry soap/paper towels/lunch bags
Dinner: Chuck roast, vegetables, macaroni & cheese

Tuesday Nov 13:
Dentist appointment for mom
Heather has a dinner at church- 6:30
Mike- music practice
Dinner: Beef Stew for Mike, spaghetti, corn on cob, raw veggies

Wednesday Nov 14
Story-time at library
Heather and Philip stay an hour after school for play/music practice
Girl Scout meeting for Heather
Baby Shower for Mrs. Moore
Violin lesson
Church
Dinner: Chicken packets, curly noodles, apple sauce with cinnamon

Thursday Nov 15
Casting Crowns Concert (no cell group)
Mike- music practice
Dinner: Hambergers, potato wedges, green beans

Friday Nov 16
Heather P. is spending the night
Dinner: homemade pizza, raw veggies

Saturday Nov 17
Dinner: Taco Salad

Sunday Nov 18
Grilled steaks, baked yams/potatoes, salad

Gratitude Journal November 10, 2007

2007-11-11T04:31:00.000-05:00

1. Wow! What another fantastic day. The majority of the day I worked with Mike and Steve wiring a new hotel for phones and cabel TV. Mike is my husband, and Steve is a social worker with a degree in Christian Counseling. We were paying him $10 an hour to feed wire, but he gave us a LOT more. I really benefitted from having so much uninterrupted time to talk with him, and I'm very grateful.

2. I got a full physical workout. With Steve there to feed wire, my job was to run it to each room. Between that and climbing up and down out of the attic 1,000+ times to communicate with Mike (I lent Steve my cell phone), muscles that haven't been used in a very long time got used. I'm stiff and sore, but in a very good way...not the fibromyalgia kind of pain.

3. At this morning's yardsales, I found a gently used wooden rocking horse from Pottery Barn to give Olivia for Christmas. I don't know where we will keep it, but it sure will look nice Christmas morning in front of the tree. I also found a few stocking stuffers for Heather and Philip.

4. I really enjoy working with Mike. We met working together for a department store. I worked in the lay-away department, and he helped me to get the heavier boxes stacked in their proper places in the storage attic of the store even though he worked the children's toy department. Working with him in that attic today reminds me of the good times and the romantic moments we stole away in that department store. I remember how it was to fall in love with him 20 years ago...nice memories.

5. We are having a family slumber party. For years we used to all sleep downstairs in the living room during the Summers when we didn't have air conditioning upstairs. I was missing it so on a whim, I told everyone that I was throwing a slumber party and they were all invited. I had picked up a movie at a yardsale for fifty cents that I thought we'd all like...and they were wanting to watch a special episode of Hannah Montanna. I made popcorn. Mike made salsa, and we broke out the chips. So, we had a fun and relaxing evening. I also gave Mike a back and body massage. He needed it after crawling in the rafters for 8 hours, and is very appreciative.

Gratitude Journal November 9, 2007

2007-11-09T23:22:00.000-05:00

1. I'm grateful that my husband changed his mind about allowing the kids to participate in basketball and cheerleading this year without me saying a word. I'm trying very hard not to be a manipulative person anymore. Participating will make our schedules difficult for a season, but I believe that the experience, the exercise, and the relationships built will be worth it. This picture is of my three oldest children at their awards ceremony last year with one of the Globe Trotters.

2. I talked to my brother today. We don't talk often enough. He was very understanding about me being stressed about the holidays. He said he will consider coming to visit us in the Spring rather than for Christmas. I'm so relieved. He has a new daughter I've not yet seen. Here is a photo of their sweet family last year when we visited him last...before the new addition. I'm excited about meeting my new neice this Spring.

3. I'm grateful that our internet service is working again and that Mike was able to use the computer at his office to pay some bills online today that are due soon.

4. I'm very grateful for my husband. I don't think either one of us knew what we were getting ourselves into when we said "I do." But one thing is for sure...God is in it and He's growing us. This evening as my husband and I cooked dinner together, it occured to me how very blessed I am by this relationship and I'm thankful to God for it.

The Cooking Challenge

2007-11-08T12:05:00.001-05:00

My children were raised on a steady diet of chocolate poptarts, microwave popcorn, fresh fruit, Little Ceaser's pizza, and filtered water. I always wanted to do better for them, but surprisingly their pediatrition thought that was a fine diet despite their obvious yeast overgrowth symptoms and the diabetes diagnosis of my oldest. Sometimes I wonder which of us is more mentally challenged. Well, now that I'm functioning better after getting most of the heavy metals out with chelation, I'm making an effort to learn to cook.

It's been very challenging.... best described as trying to read and follow a recipe with a blanket over your head. Boxed recipes are much easier...as there are fewer steps and usually fewer ingredients, but I'm concerned about all the colorings, preservatives, and such.

The other challenging aspect is that I get discouraged over my family's pickiness, and have had a tendency to give up too easily. Every once in a while they will be in a social setting where they try something new and discover they LOVE it. I jump right on it and get the recipe...and then figure out a way to sneak the healthy stuff into it.

I'm very grateful that they have always loved fresh vegetables. In the past it's been difficult for me to prepare them, but they are a staple now...served as an appetizer before lunch and dinner. When we would go out to eat, I'd pile the children's plates high with all the vegetables from the salad bar. One gentleman asked me if they were really going to eat it, or if it was just my wishful thinking. He glanced over his shoulder several times amazed that they ate every last bite...they always do. They cut their teeth on frozen carrot and celery sticks. They love fresh vegetables.

I've learned to make homemade pizza with ground flax seeds, spaghetti sauce with the children's nurtrition powder in it, Cream of Chicken noodles and macaroni and cheese with whey powder for extra protein for my vegetarian daughter. I make juice for the baby and me with cranberry juice concentrate, stevia, filtered water, and vitamin C powder. She loves it and I don't have to worry about all the carbs and tooth decay brought on by store bought juices. My other kids still prefer water. I've also learned to make garlic bread with fresh garlic, and whole wheat biscuits that are still tasty. And for myself, Ann Louise Gittleman's book "The Fat Flush Plan" has taken the mystery out of cooking with herbs. She describes the ones with properties to increase metabolism, and to help detox the body. Then she offers a wealth of simple recipes using them. I'm having a hay day trying them...and hoping at least a few will catch on with the hubby and kids.

With my brain challenges, it doesn't matter how many times I make a recipe, I cannot do it again by memory. So, I'd like this to be a place for me to keep my recipes organized as well as keep a listing of ones I'd like to try. We have a rule about new recipes. Everyone has to try it at least three times before deciding that they don't like it. It makes for comic relief at the table. The kids are so funny trying to get the most miniscule bite that would still be considered a whole atom of the substance...lol. And the facial contortions! ...even with a dish as simple as applesauce. I will try to remember to bring out the camera so I can share it. But every once in a while we stumble on to a hit, and that makes all the effort worth it.

Don't Miss the Gift

2007-11-08T09:33:00.000-05:00

I recently ran across a site designed to encourage parents of high-energy, easily-distractable children. http://www.sizzlebop.com/index.htm.

After reading many of the author's articles, I'm challenged to see my brain injury as a gift. The author says God must have known she enjoys a challenge. I can see that as true of myself...at times. Other times, like today, the exhaustion is just so overly present that I desire simplicity in my life so my brain can rest. Oh, what I'd give for a boring day....a day to just "be" rather than facing a "to do" list as long as my arm.

Another thing that made an impact on me is that she decided to RELAX. Oh, how I envy her.

I remember a day long ago before I had any indication of what lie ahead for me, when a friend of mine told me that she has a learning disability. I was frustrated by her because it seemed to me that she had given up on life. At age 32, she still lived with her parents, and was unemployed. She was not pursuing an education or job training of any kind. She believed that someday her "knight in shining armor" was going to whisk her away to happiness even though she was 100 pounds overweight and not doing a thing about it. We were enjoying making cinnamon candy together, as she was explaining to me that this learning disability was the reason that she had to come to terms with her life the way it was. I told her that having a learning disability only means that she will have to work harder to accomplish what she desires in life. And that has been my philosophy of life..."When life gets tough, the tough get tougher".

Perhaps that is what has brought on my adrenal failure. Today I would love to just lie back and relax feeling that all is well...just as it is...nothing more to know and change for the better. There must be a healthy balance. I have never been able to rest without worrying about what is suffering due to my slacking. The parable of the ant and grasshopper that wasn't prepared for winter plays through my mind frequently. I'm constantly on to my kids about finding something to do that's productive.

Today my mind is overwhelmed with 40 different thoughts at once. I desire for the thoughts to just lie down and wait for me to be ready for them, but they are ever-present, confusing, and overwhelming me. It's like trying to watch a minimum of nine television shows at the same time. My solution is usually to dive into a book, well organized into chapters...all the pieces fit together perfectly, and my mind can rest. It amazes me how soothing organization is...if only I could accomplish that in other areas of my life. That partly is what I'm attempting to do by starting this blog...organizing my to-do list, Bible readings, gratitude journal, book notes, miscellaneous thoughts, and moments with my children I want to preserve.

For me the "GIFT" of my brain injury is that it has brought me to a place of dependence on God. I've been trained since childhood to be independent, self-sufficient, an over-achiever. My grandmother used to say, "God helps those who help themselves." I would never have voluntarily welcomed being dependent on anyone. As a matter of fact, I used to think GOD needed MY help to accomplish his will on Earth. I was his hands and feet...I'd been taught. But now I see God's work as being more "inner" in nature. It's about character development. It's about building a relationship...yes, one of dependence...also, love and respect. God is accomplishing His work in me through this "gift." I will make an effort to see it as such.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Psalm 62:5
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

Matthew 11:29
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Gratitude Journal

2007-11-08T08:50:00.000-05:00

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8-9)

I have found it very helpful to keep an ongoing gratitude journal. I chose 3 to 5 things each day to list that I'm grateful for. It has helped to change my focus of the day for the better. I've challenged many others to to the same as I enjoy reading about the good in life soooo much. If you've decided to take me up on that challenge and make it public, please contact me so I can subscribe to your blog.

November 8, 2007
1. I had a wonderful day of rest yesterday. I only got out of bed to pick the kids up from school, and I wore my pajamas...lol. I was anticipating Lynette's comment, but she never even looked at me. I was glad to be invisible.

2. I found a way to organize my 'to do' list, Bible readings, gratitude journals, and book notes.

3. I made an appointment with a Christian mental health counselor. I'm grateful she could get me in so soon and I'm looking forward to more growth.

November 6, 2007
1. On the way home from picking the kids up from school, we saw a gorgeous deer.

2. I blessed our van with an oil change and vacuuming today. I'm glad it's done and I can quit feeling guilty about neglecting it. :-)

3. Olivia and I had a nice visit at the park today. There was a very strange man there that was crying...wailing actually. His facial features indicated that he is mentally retarded. I looked around to see if he was with a group. Another gentleman approached, told him to quit crying like a baby and led him away. Olivia started to follow. I asked her where she was going, and she said, "I help him". It blessed me to see her heart so tender already to the needs of others. God has blessed me with tender-hearted children. I'm very grateful.

November 3, 2007 - Saturday
1. What a fantastic day! I had lunch with my dad today, and he talked about catching frogs as a kid. I treasure the stories he shares. I had dinner with two of the moms from my moms group at church. I enjoy getting to know them as well.

2. I'm able to check off a few items on my Christmas shopping list thanks to a few really great yardsales. A lady with an ebay business took another job and sold all her merchandise at "get rid of" prices. I found a gorgeous antique glass serving tray at an estate sale for my mother-in-law.

3. I found some interesting books for myself as well. At the estate sale, I bought several of Beth Moore's Bible Studies. I wondered if the owner ever intended for her responses to be read by others. I also found a book about humor being a part of Jesus' character. I'm curious about what this author has to say.

4. The kids bought a game of Monopoly Jr. and we have had a fantastic time playing together. Putting two of the kids in school has been good for us because now I'm ok with having fun with no educational purpose. We just had fun.

5. I had two pretty big chemical exposures today. I'm grateful that what used to put me in bed for days and weeks merely had me staggering around like I was drunk for just a few minutes until I could get into cleaner air.

November 1, 2007- Thursday
1. I'm grateful today that God is working in my life and that I'm not on my own. He gives me purpose and hope.

2. I'm feeling an inner strength that has not been around for quite a while. It's time to tackle some storage areas...to sort, discard, and organize what is left.

3. The mud has dried up at our worksite, making things a lot easier...and cleaner.

4. Our family dentist appointment has encouraged us all to do a better job of brushing and flossing. Heather won the $5 prize of having the cleanest teeth. Mom came in last place!!! I'm determined to not let that happen twice...lol.

October 31, 2007- Wednesday
1. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing all the little toddlers dressed up in costumes at the library today. I'm wishing we could do it more often than once a year. I also appreciate the mom that brought the baked pumpkin seeds...one of my favorites.

2. Heather brought home a loaf of fresh-from-the-oven bread from her tour of the bakery with her girl scout troop. Soooo yummy! 3. My first attempt ever at making sauerkraut was a success. Mike says it's "the bomb".

Read the Bible In A Year

2007-11-07T20:38:00.000-05:00

2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,

I have such a difficult time understanding scripture. And to memorize it just seems impossible for me. I cry thinking that I cannot do something God has commanded me to. I've found this yahoogroup useful: http://groups.google.com/group/oneyearbible , and try to start my morning reading the assigned portion of scripture. The comments are very helpful in assisting me to process the information.

There was a prophesy spoken over me that as I study and follow after God, the kids will follow my example. Right now I feel like the blind leading the blind, but have confidence that God will be true to His word to me and I will do my part. I'm going to post my Bible reading links here along with anything I feel God is putting on my heart while I'm reading. God bless!

Wednesday, November 7Ezekiel 16:42-17:24 ~ Hebrews 8:1-13 ~ Psalm 106:13-31 ~ Proverbs 27:7-9
Thursday, November 8Ezekiel 18:1-19:14 ~ Hebrews 9:1-10 ~ Psalm 106:32-48 ~ Proverbs 27:10
Friday, November 9Ezekiel 20:1-49 ~ Hebrews 9:11-28 ~ Psalm 107:1-43 ~ Proverbs 27:11
Saturday, November 10Ezekiel 21:1-22:31 ~ Hebrews 10:1-17 ~ Psalm 108:1-13 ~ Proverbs 27:12
Sunday, November 11Ezekiel 23:1-49 ~ Hebrews 10:18-39 ~ Psalm 109:1-31 ~ Proverbs 27:13
Monday, November 12Ezekiel 24:1-26:21 ~ Hebrews 11:1-16 ~ Psalm 110:1-7 ~ Proverbs 27:14
Tuesday, November 13Ezekiel 27:1-28:26 ~ Hebrews 11:17-31 ~ Psalm 111:1-10 ~ Proverbs 27:15-16
Wednesday, November 14Ezekiel 29:1-30:26 ~ Hebrews 11:32-12:13 ~ Psalm 112:1-10 ~ Proverbs 27:17
Thursday, November 15Ezekiel 31:1-32:32 ~ Hebrews 12:14-29 ~ Psalm 113:1-114:8 ~ Proverbs 27:18-20

1. This week in Ezekiel 20:40 we will read: "There I will require your offerings and your choice gifts, along with all your holy sacrifices." What are your offerings, choice gifts and holy sacrifices to the Lord? Your life, your thoughts, your finances? Do you give a percentage of your income to your local church, ministries, and nonprofits? Would this perhaps be a "holy sacrifice" if you did so? Would this be a bold act of faith?

We do tithe. I get confused doing all the math. I don't know how much our gross income is. We get the check after taxes and insurance has been taken out...so I just multiply the net by 13%. We give to a few other groups as well. I enjoy giving, and I believe God has blessed us financially as a result, by Mike being offered a job that better suits our financial needs and allows him more time at home in the evenings with the kids. I used to volunteer time and work as well...but am not well enough to do that anymore...I'm still grieving. All I can figure is that since God hasn't enabled me, it must not be His plan for me at this time. It was a bold act of faith for me to take a job tutoring kids after school...and it ended in me having to quit due to health issues. I just don't understand. Also, I used to keep accounting books for a ministry, and worked at a bank in bookkeeping too. But now it is extreemly difficult for me to manage our personal accounts. I need help so much. Lord, I beg you to heal me.

2. Hebrews chapter 10 this week is amazing! In verse 22 we will read: "Let us go right into the presence of God, with true hearts fully trusting him. For our evil consciences have been sprinkled with Christ's blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water." Great stuff! The last few words of this verse remind me of the blessing of Baptism - as an outward sign of our inner transformation and faith in Christ. Verse 24 is just pure joy & goodness: "Think of ways to encourage one another to outbursts of love and good deeds." Outbursts of love & good deeds indeed! Who are you encouraging these days to outbursts of love and good deeds? Can you think of some ways to do this?

The kids and I used to do volunteer work for Faith in Action...but am too ill to do that as well. I used to love helping others and surprising them with unexpectedly meeting a need. It just isn't something I can do anymore. I feel like a broken record. Our income is not mine to use for anything other than our household and a small Christmas gift budget. I'm very grateful that my husband agrees with the principle of tithing. I'm pretty much housebound now. A trip to a store leaves me bedridden for days afterwards (better than weeks like it used to be). The only way I know to encourage others is through the internet. I do that off and on through Christian womens groups. I've chosen the title of my blog to let others know that it is I that am in desperate need of encouragement. Oh Lord. I'm at my wits end. I feel paralyzed. I actually feel dead.

And verse 25 reminds me of the importance of finding a church community to do life with together: "And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage and warn each other, especially now that the day of his coming back again is drawing near." Do you meet together with others in a local church?
Not anymore. They decided to build a new platform. I've still not recovered from the glue exposure. I could hardly stand all the perfumes before. I cannot tolerate them at all now. I went to a church dinner Saturday. Today is Wednesday, and I've still not recovered from the perfumes. I was walking around intoxicated...walking into walls and tripping over chairs. I'm so sad. I desire more fellowship with my church.

Have you found a small group, community group, or prayer group that you can spend some quality time with outside of regular church services? A group where you can encourage, warn, and pray for each other?
There is my cell group on Thursday evenings. My husband doesn't think it's a priority. I miss it terribly when I cannot go. My husband thinks it contributes to me being ill due to the stress it sometimes creates and discourages me from going. If I do get ill from it, he says it's becasue I don't listen to him. The anxiety of feeling torn between doing what I think I should and doing what he thinks I should is definitely contributing to me being ill. I also used to go to a women's Bible study on Friday mornings, but my husband will not allow it anymore due to childcare issues. It's probably for the best because the dry erase markers they use also impair my brain function. They affect my vision and cause me to struggle to stay conscious. Perhaps I could start my own home women's Bible study during the day while my husband is at work. I could let people know ahead of time...no markers, no perfumes, and children are WELCOME!

Verse 26 and the following verses are strong reminders of the one option we have for our faith - the one true God to follow: "Dear friends, if we deliberately continue sinning after we have received a full knowledge of the truth, there is no other sacrifice that will cover these sins." Is there another sacrifice besides Jesus' sacrifice on the cross that will cover our sins?

Of course not. I don't deliberately sin, but appearently I commit the same sins over and over because I don't remember my mistakes to learn from them...lol. Mike gives me the same lecture everytime he gets frustrated with me for being ill. He says I'm sick because I don't do what he says. When I tell him I don't know what he's talking about, he thinks I'm lying. I'm just so confused. I don't even know when I'm sinning anymore.

3. This week in Psalm 106:19-21 we will read: "At Horeb they made a calf and worshiped an idol cast from metal. They exchanged their Glory for an image of a bull, which eats grass. They forgot the God who saved them, who had done great things in Egypt." This of course sounds very familiar to Romans chapter 1 verses 22 and 23: "Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles." Was this wise that the Israelites exchanged their Glory for an image of a bull?
Of course it wasn't wise. Hind sight is 20/20.

Why did they do this?
I figure they lost their trust in God and got tired of waiting for Him.

What should have been their Glory? What is your Glory today? Do you, at times, exchange your true Glory for something else? Is this wise? Are you forgetting the God who saved you? The God who has done great things for you? Please don't ever exchange the true Glory for a false idol.
God is my glory...but honestly, I'm not sure I have any glory at all. Not that I don't have God...but that God doesn't seem to be operating in my life in a way that others can see. I feel that I'm a horrible disapointment and blemish on God's reputation. I guess I've exchanged my glory for sickness...but I don't know how or why, or how to change it. I've not forgotten God, on the contrary, He's about all I think about anymore....begging him to make His promises true in my life...and enabling me moment by moment to follow his commands that I don't seem to be able to follow.

4. This week in Proverbs 27 verse 8 we will read: "A person who strays from home is like a bird that strays from its nest." Where is our spiritual home? Who is our spiritual home? Have we strayed from our spiritual nest? As I read this I of course think about our relationship with Jesus first - and then manifestation of his body in the local church as being our spiritual home. And I realize that if I do not attend church on a weekly basis, I am like a bird straying from its nest. Our prime home is Jesus – we do not want to stray from our relationship with Him, ever. It's far too risky to do so, for obvious reasons. But I think we can sometimes feel like we don't need Jesus' body, his church. We feel like we can do life fine without church. I submit to you that this is far too risky of a way to live life. I am just afraid that if we stray away from the nest of our local church, then we are at risk of potentially straying away from Jesus. We need the church. We need Jesus. Are you going to church each week these days? Do you think you should? If there is one thing I can encourage you on, almost more than anything, is to please find a local church where Jesus is clearly the cornerstone and the Bible is clearly taught. And then please do not stray away from that nest. . . I cannot encourage you enough on this point. I love the church so very much. I pray that you do as well. (It brings tears to my eyes to even try to think of my life without the church – I cannot imagine it. I pray this is the case for you as well . . .)

I think we already discussed this. I do my best to fellowship with other Christians and to watch the sermons on the internet. If God wants more, He will need to heal me first and I will go to church regularly leaping for joy!!!!

Making Fudge for Christmas!

2007-11-07T19:27:00.000-05:00

Easy Healthy Fudge Recipe

Ingredients:
2 cups almond butter
1/4 cup raw cocoa powder, sifted to remove any lumps
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons liquid honey
1 heaping tablespoon coconut oil, melted (optional)
2 teaspoons vanilla extract1 teaspoon coarse sea salt

Directions:
Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Mix until well incorporated.
Spoon the mixture into a pan and flatten with the back of a spoon.
Place in the freezer for an hour or so, then take it out to cut into bite-size squares or rectangles. Transfer the pieces onto a plate.
Keep these covered and stored in the freezer.
An alternative is to spoon the mixture into candy molds;
pop them out when they are thoroughly frozen.
They have a chewy texture when frozen.
These must be kept in the freezer, otherwise they will become soft and mushy, to the consistency they were at before freezing.
So if you take them out to eat, eat them quickly! Also keep this in mind when cutting the fudge; work quickly.

Adapted from a recipe found in: Raw Food/Real World: 100 Recipes to Get the Glow

Fav Links Storage

2007-11-07T17:56:00.000-05:00

Nature Study Links...
Birds
All About Birds
Audobon's Bird and Wildlife
Field Guide to Birds
Plants
Mountain Nature online field guide
USDA Plants Database
Wildflowers and Weeds

Art Study Links...
Art Access
Art History on Stamps
Color Me Masterpiece
CGFA
Dover's Color Your Own Books
National Gallery of Art
Olga's Gallery
Pronunciation Guide

Christian Family, Motherhood, Womanhood, Etc... Links
A Virtuous Woman
A Woman of Value
A Woman's Place
All Glorious Within
Being Virtuous Women
Biblical Womanhood
Family Discipleship Ministries
Hillbilly Housewife
Kingdom Blocks
Lainie's Letters
Large Family Logistics
Lydia's Legacy
Marmee Dear
Noble Womanhood
She Loves God.com
The Urban Homemaker
Women at Home University

Handicraft Links...
Craft Site Directory
Craftown
Dress Towel Topper (crochet)
Keepers of the Faith
Kids Can Make It
My Craft Book
Ruby Glen Craft Patterns/Projects
Rubber Band Gun Pattern
The Yarn Basket

Music Study Links...
A Daily Hymn and its History
Classics for Kids
Contemplator's Folk Music
The Cyber Hymnal
Dallas Symphony Orchestra for Kids: Composers
Enchanted Learning
HopeChest Legacy: Hymn History
Nashville Symphony Orchestra for Kids: Composer Garden
Naxos

Charlotte Mason Education Links
A Charlotte Mason Education in Our Home Website
Ambleside Online
Charlotte's Daughters: Learning from Charlotte Mason & the PNEU
Charlotte Mason Mama's Blog
Charlotte Mason Research & Supply Company
Living Books Curriculum
The Original Homeschooling Series by Charlotte Mason, online
Penny Gardner's Website
Simply Charlotte Mason
Wonder Homeschool ~ Charlotte Mason Education

Free Forms and Worksheets Links...
Forms:
CHASE SC Homeschool Association Free Forms
Donna Young Printables & Resources
Highland Heritage Forms

Worksheets:
ABC Teach
Calvary Chapel Children's Ministry Curriculum
Discovery School Puzzle Maker
Education Place
Enchanted Learning

Victorian Graphics Links...
Absolutely Everything Victorian
Absolutely Everything Victorian at BillyBear4Kids Antique Clipart
Averyl's Attic Dolls and Lace Floral Alphabets and Numbers
Karen Whimsy Lise's Garden Old Time Clipart
Pati's Graphics
Reba's Victorian Postcards
Susanna's Loft - Victorian ecards
Victorian Art for Mother
Victorian Clipart
Victorian Clipart at eDigg.com
Victorian Station
Victorian Trading Company
Victorian Warehouse Vintage Clipart
Vintage Clipart from Miss Mary
Vintage Patroitic Postcards

Graphics Links...
Bible Picture Gallery
Chatterbug Graphics
Creative Ladies Ministry
Country Clipart Country Dream Designs
Country Patch Collections
Cute Colors
Cute Prints for You
Daisy Dreams
Devotional Doodles
Discovery School Clipart
Graphics by Penny Parker
Harris Country Home
Home Sweet Home Country Graphics
Irene's Corner
Julie's Country Creations
Kittywompuss Graphics
LB Creations
Mable's Makings
Micky's Place in the Sun
My Lil Squiggles
Pollyanna Graphics
Recycle Bin Graphics
Ritva's Gallery
Snapshots of Joy
Vintage Patriotic Postcards
Whimsy Attic
Whisper's Web Works

Highschool Homeschool Resources

2007-11-07T17:07:00.001-05:00

For Life Skills:

*Life Prep for Homeschooled Teenagers by Barbara Frank
This resource provides projects, a reading list for both parents and students, and also helpful charts and worksheets for life skills projects.

*Life Skills for Kids: Equipping Your Child for the Real World by Christine Field

*HSLDA’s Homeschooling Thru High School website provides newsletters and book suggestions for teaching teens financial management, home economics, relational skills, and job preparation skills including interviewing and resume tips. Life skills projects are not only practical, but they’re fun! Your teens will enjoy these projects, and you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you’re preparing them for life. http://www.hslda.org/highschool/default.asp

To Do

2007-11-07T13:04:00.000-05:00

The 5 things always on my to-do list:
1: spend time with God each day
2: Make sure I have quailty time with DH and each one of kids daily
3: Vacuuming~ I have 4 kids and gravity is not in our favor!
4: LAUNDRY!!! (never ends)
5: Keeping the kitchen clean
************************************************************************

Nov 8, 2007- Thursday
Wash bedding
Pay bills
Clean bathrooms
Volunteer appreciation dinner at church
Dinner: Spaghetti, garlic bread, cut veggies

Nov 7, 2007- Wednesday
Library
Children's museum
Violin lessons
Church
Dinner- chicken packets, cream of chicken noodles, raw veggies
Read: Creative Clowning

Nov 6, 2007- Tuesday
Park
Haircuts
Oil Change
Clean out van
Get veggies and school snacks from Aldis
Dinner- Chipolte chicken with greenbeans, onions, and potatoes

Nov 5, 2007- Monday
Rest
Dinner- homemade pizza, raw veggies
Build Edible Cell Model
Listen to Church online
Dinner- taco salad

Nov 3, 2007- Saturday
Yard sales
Lunch with Dad and stepmother
Dinner with moms group

Facts For Families Parenting With Mental Illness

2007-11-07T11:14:00.000-05:00

Parents with Mental Illness by Rethink

Introduction
Being a parent with mental illness can be both challenging and rewarding. People often stigmatise and assume that children born to people with mental illness will experience social and emotional difficulties, that they may be abused or neglected. But parents with mental illness can be good parents if they receive appropriate support.

Children with a parent with mental illness have a slightly higher risk of developing mental illness than children born to parents without it. This risk is even higher if both parents have a mental illness.

How Mental Illness Impacts Upon Parenting Capacity
Appropriate care and support should be provided to the family as part of the care programme. This approach can help to minimise any potential problems. But some of the following difficulties may arise (it is important to remember that children are each unique and may be affected in different ways, and individual children may be affected differently at different developmental stages).

* The mental illness of a parent may put stress on the relationships within a family and this may adversely affect a child;

* Harm to child resulting from parent's symptoms e.g delusions involving the child, inability to meet physical needs, suicidal thinking including the child;

* Children may face boundary and reality issues because of the ways in which their parents' functioning is affected;

* Care may be unpredictable and inconsistent, leading to attachment and behaviour issues;

* Some parents with schizophrenia may find emotional and physical closeness to their child to be difficult. Parents who find closeness difficult may benefit from training in the expression of positive emotions;

* Children may have to take on responsibilities in their family that are inappropriate for their age;

* Stigma of mental illness may lead to isolation;

* Children's social interactions may be restricted as a result of the thoughts and behaviours of parents with mental illness. Conversely, social interactions may be delegated to the child;

* Parents who feel lethargic and listless may find it difficult to provide stimulation, motivation and inspiration for their child. Anti-psychotic medications may increase lethargy and listlessness. So the most appropriate treatment needs to be found for the person concerned and dosage & side-effects of medication should be carefully monitored and adjusted;

* Parents with mental illness who experience fears may pass these fears to their children. Such fears may lead to the child behaving abnormally or the parent behaving inappropriately towards the child;

* Hospitalisation of a parent with mental illness disrupts the child's life. Stable and supportive relationships with other adults are therefore important;

* If a parent is temporarily or permanently unable to look after a child, the other parent or a member of the extended family may take on responsibility for childcare. Children may be taken into care if no family member is able to care for the child;

* Parents are fearful that children will be removed and are thus fearful of asking for help;

Positive, Protective Factors
As well as support for the family from the relevant agencies, children of parents with mental illness may be helped by:

* Knowledge that their parent(s) has to cope with a condition and that they are not to blame in any way;
* Help and support from family members;
* A stable home environment;
* A sense of being loved by the ill parent;
* A naturally stable and happy personality in the child;
* Positive self esteem;
* Inner strength and good coping skills in the child;
* A strong relationship with a healthy adult;
* Friendships, positive peer relationships;
* Interest in and success at school;
* Healthy interests outside the home for the child;
* Help from outside the family to improve the family environment; and
* Parenting, education and support;

Childcare in the Early Months
The period following the birth of a child is characterised for many mothers by low spirits, low confidence and little energy. For mothers with schizophrenia this can escalate into psychosis. Mental health professionals should monitor mothers at this stage and review treatment to overt deterioration into psychosis.

Infancy
Parents of infants may need assistance from childcare and home help services, and will also benefit from parenting classes and contact with other parents. With this support they can make good parents.

Range Of Parenting Capacity
Though some parents coping with mental illness may find it difficult to be a 'good' parent, perhaps being unable to care for their children satisfactorily because of their symptoms or even inclined to neglect them, many others will be good parents. This is the same range of parenting abilities found in parents without mental illness. Parents with mental illness should benefit from support and education services that take an integrated approach to the care and treatment of the adult with mental illness and the care of the children.

Might Children Of A Parent With Mental Illness Be Taken Into Care?
You may be concerned that a child (perhaps not yet born) may be taken into care by a local authority. In Rethink's experience, some authorities are far more likely to do this than to put in the necessary support, while others only take a child into care if there is no other alternative. If the mother to be or other relatives need expert legal advice about care issues, this can be obtained by contacting FRG, the Family Rights Group, tel 0800 731 1696 (Monday - Friday, 1.30- 3.30pm.).

About the Author
http://www.rethink.org/
Rethink is the largest severe mental illness charity in the UK. We are dedicated to improving the lives of everyone affected by severe mental illness, whether they have a condition themselves, care for others who do, or are professionals or volunteers working in the mental health field.More by Rethink

Don't Miss The Gift

2007-11-07T09:21:00.000-05:00

I recently ran across a site designed to encourage parents of high-energy, easily-distractable children. http://www.sizzlebop.com/index.htm.

After reading many of the author's articles, I'm challenged to see my brain injury as a gift. The author says God must have known she enjoys a challenge. I can see that as true of myself...at times. Other times, like today, the exhaustion is just so overly present that I desire simplicity in my life so my brain can rest. Oh, what I'd give for a boring day....a day to just "be" rather than facing a "to do" list as long as my arm.

Another thing that made an impact on me is that she decided to RELAX. Oh, how I envy her.

I remember the day when I was well, that a friend of mine told me that she has a learning disability. I was frustrated by her because it seemed to me that she had given up on life. At age 32, she still lived with her parents, and was unemployed. She was not pursuing an education or job training of any kind. She believed that someday her "knight in shining armor" was going to whisk her away to happiness even though she was 100 pounds overweight and not doing a thing about it. We were enjoying making cinnamon candy together, as she was explaining to me that this learning disability was the reason that she was content with her life the way it was. I told her that having a learning disability only means that she will have to work harder to accomplish what she desires in life.

....and that has been my philosophy of life.

Perhaps that is what has brought on my adrenal failure. Today I would love to just lie back and relax feeling that all is well...just as it is...nothing more to know and change for the better. There must be a healthy balance. I have never been able to rest without worrying about what is suffering due to my slacking and how much I'll need to work later to make up for it. The parable of the ant and grasshopper that wasn't prepared for winter plays through my mind frequently. I'm constantly on to my kids about finding something to do that's productive.

Today my mind is overwhelmed with 40 different thoughts at once. I desire for the thoughts to just lie down and wait for me to be ready for them, but they are ever-present, confusing, and overwhelming me. It's like trying to watch a minimum of nine televisions at the same time. My solution is usually to dive into a book, well organized into chapters...all the pieces fit together perfectly, and my mind can rest. The problem with that is that my two year old needs a bath, my 14 year old needs me to go over her math assignment, the table needs cleared for breakfast, the fish and cats need fed, the guinea pig's nails need trimmed (and I don't even know how to do it), etc. etc. etc.

For me the "GIFT" of my brain injury is that it has brought me to a place of dependence on God. I've been trained since childhood to be independent, self-sufficient, an over-achiever. My grandmother used to say, "God helps those who help themselves." I would never have voluntarily welcomed being dependent on anyone. As a matter of fact, I used to think GOD needed MY help to accomplish his will on Earth. I was his hands and feet...I'd been taught. But now I see God's work as being more "inner" in nature. It's about character development. It's about building a relationship...yes, one of dependence...also, love and respect. God is accomplishing His work in me through this "gift." I will make an effort to see it as such.

2 Corinthians 12:9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Psalm 62:5Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

Matthew 11:29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Gratitude Journal

2007-11-07T09:12:00.000-05:00

I have found it very helpful to keep an ongoing gratitude journal. I chose 3 to 5 things each day to list that I'm grateful for. It has helped to change my focus of the day for the better. I've challenged many others to to the same as I enjoy reading about the good in life soooo much. If you've decided to take me up on that challenge and make it public, please contact me so I can subscribe to your blog.

November 3, 2007 - Saturday
1. What a fantastic day! I had lunch with my dad today, and he talked about catching frogs as a kid. I treasure the stories he shares. I had dinner with two of the moms from my moms group at church. I enjoy getting to know them as well.

2. I'm able to check off a few items on my Christmas shopping list thanks to a few really great yardsales. A lady with an ebay business took another job and sold all her merchandise at "get rid of" prices. I found a gorgeous antique glass serving tray at an estate sale for my mother-in-law.

3. I found some interesting books for myself as well. At the estate sale, I bought several of Beth Moore's Bible Studies. I wondered if the owner ever intended for her responses to be read by others. I also found a book about humor being a part of Jesus' character. I'm curious about what this author has to say.

4. The kids bought a game of Monopoly Jr. and we have had a fantastic time playing together. Putting two of the kids in school has been good for us because now I'm ok with having fun with no educational purpose. We just had fun.

5. I had two pretty big chemical exposures today. I'm grateful that what used to put me in bed for days and weeks merely had me staggering around like I was drunk for just a few minutes until I could get into cleaner air.

November 1, 2007- Thursday
1. I'm grateful today that God is working in my life and that I'm not on my own. He gives me purpose and hope.

2. I'm feeling an inner strength that has not been around for quite a while. It's time to tackle some storage areas...to sort, discard, and organize what is left.

3. The mud has dried up at our worksite, making things a lot easier...and cleaner.

4. Our family dentist appointment has encouraged us all to do a better job of brushing and flossing. Heather won the $5 prize of having the cleanest teeth. Mom came in last place!!! I'm determined to not let that happen twice...lol.

October 31, 2007- Wednesday
1. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing all the little toddlers dressed up in costumes at the library today. I'm wishing we could do it more often than once a year. I also appreciate the mom that brought the baked pumpkin seeds...one of my favorites.

2. Heather brought home a loaf of fresh-from-the-oven bread from her tour of the bakery with her girl scout troop. Soooo yummy!

3. My first attempt ever at making sauerkraut was a success. Mike says it's "the bomb".

My Prayer Today

2007-11-07T07:47:00.000-05:00

Lord, I pray that you will be the center of my day...my source, my foundation, my encouragement, my purpose. Please give me the energy and wisdom to be an effective parent today. Help me to be a blessing to my husband. Give me a solution to giving away, storing, or organizing our abundant supply of books. The kids want me to take them to the library and the children's museum today. My body is screaming to rest after a full day yesterday. Lord please help me.
Amen.

Silliness

2007-11-06T16:35:00.000-05:00

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
Proverbs 17:22

I remember the humor of the little tricks my mind would play before they became so debilitating. I could laugh so hard at the silly things I'd do from being 'absent minded' or not being able to remember a common word I use all the time...like egg,. I could think of the concept, but couldn't think of the word, so I'd have to describe it...sort of like playing charades. I didn't think much of it until it became more and more frequent to the point that it was difficult to carry on a conversation. Anyhow, now that the worst of my mental nightmare is over, I can find humor in the silly brain farts again. This is an ongoing list of silliness. I'll be adding to it as things occur:

1. I returned my grocery store buggy to the collection site with my groceries still in the cart...lol. Heather was with me. She said, "Mommy, don't you think we should unload the groceries first?" LOL. I wonder how long it would have taken me to figure it out had Heather not been there.

2. I was so excited to learn that I'm not allergic to eggs, I boiled a dozen to have on hand as a quick snack. Problem is, I didn't think to mark which ones were boiled and which were fresh. It's been interesting figuring it out one by one as we use them...lol.

3. I cooked dinner last night...THREE times! LOL. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again...lol. We ate at 8:30pm.

4. My words were getting twisted in my head today. I kept saying canine instead of cayenne...and others that I can't remember right now. The kids thought it was hilarious I kept getting the same words twisted over and over again. It was kinda funny.

5. I got into the wrong car at the grocery store. I realized that some of the mess was missing, but didn't realize until the real owner started putting her groceries in the back that I was sitting in the WRONG car...lol.

6. I got into my head that it was later than it was. Yes, I saw the clocks...but thought they were wrong because my family was gone. They had gone to church to practice music, but I was thinking church had already started and I had been missing it. I tried to find it on the internet. Finally my friend told me that I'd need to wait another two hours before I could get church to come in online. At that point I was able to connect the dots (the clocks, the fact that my son and friend were still at the house and hadn't left yet for church, being told my husband and daughters were going to practice music as they do every week).

Weight Management / Nutrition

2007-11-06T04:40:00.000-05:00

"Congratulations!" the psychiatric doctor says. "You are the proud owner of the diagnosis of bipolar disorder."

"What causes it and how can you be sure?"

"It's genetic...inherited...runs in families. If your symptoms improve with lithium, we will know for sure."

But it doesn't run in my family unless of course if there was an Aunt Myrtle I never knew about who was quietly put away in an institution somewhere. I did however have a great aunt with Alzheimer's who I was named after, but we were related through marriage, not genetics. I was willing to try anything to get some relief...but lithium? I had a roommate in collage that took lithium on an empty stomach once...not a pretty sight. I knew just enough about the toxicity of lithium to know that it wasn't something I desired to do to myself. The doctor told me I'd have blood levels drawn regularly and the dosage adjusted to prevent toxic levels. However, fear prevailed.

I went to my family doctor for a second opinion. He told me he had suspected for years that I had bipolar disorder, but was waiting to see how it played out before making a diagnosis. So, I guess that's it then. "Give me the prescriptions, and we'll give it a try".

Well, I have to say, it did take the edge off. My biggest fear had been that I might lose control and hurt someone. The lithium did give me an ounce of self-control that allowed me to put that fear to rest. However, it did nothing for the personality changes and the constant battle of dark thoughts going on in my mind. I was bedridden for two years on the medications prescribed for bipolar disorder. "Better than the alternative", I reasoned.

I gained an average of 3/4 a pound a week....that's 10 pounds every quarterly check-up....40 pounds in one year. And by my second year on the lithium and Paxil, I'd gained a whopping 80 pounds!!! It didn't take a genius to figure out that I could not stay on this treatment indefinitely. My doctor, in all his wisdom, told me I needed to eat less and exercise more. How do you eat less than next to nothing? And just a walk to the bathroom brought on dizziness and heart palpitations. Doing a Stormie Omartian workout was out of the question.

In walks a miracle of sorts...

I started seeing a Christian counselor who told me of the great results she was having with the Reliv nutritional products she was using to support her body through menopause. (http://www.reliv.com/) She told me with the program, she is required to listen to several testimonies of other users of the products, and is confident that I would find the energy and nutritional support I would need to help me to be able to exercise. It all sounded good, but the price was way out of my budget. She encouraged me though be saying I will get what I'm paying for.

I did some research on Bee-Alive and some other products, but what lead me to try the Reliv is the wide variety of nutrients it provides. It wasn't just a huge range of vitamins and minerals, but also enzymes, amino acids, fiber, and various herbs...and is a whole food supplement which means to me that it's not overly processed. It's like getting a concentrated form of real food my body can utilize. I took it to my doctor to have him check it out. He verified that it had nothing in it that would aggravate my condition.

An AMAZING thing happened. After a few weeks of drinking the shakes, not only did I have the energy I was seeking, but I felt back to my old self that I dearly loved. The nightmare-ish battle in my mind subsided. I was back to my own loveable personality, and was able to get up off the couch doing jumping jacks, housework, and getting ready for a way overdue yard sale. What a joyous day!!!

This nutrition company put me in touch with other users who were battling the same type of health issues I was. It was very enlightening, and put me on a path to discover the real cause of my symptoms...heavy metal toxicity (lead, mercury, and cadmium to be exact). It didn't take me long at all to get off the lithium. My doctor was not happy about it at all, as you can imagine. Bipolars are known to not take their meds consistently, and he was concerned I was going to be another one of the tragic statistics. I'm glad to say that wasn't the case.

Discontinuing the lithium was not difficult at all. I only felt better for it. Discontinuing the Paxil was another story entirely. I was fortunate again to have the support of the nutrition company. I was in touch with others who had gone down the same path. They lead me to Internet resources for support. The World Health Organization says Paxil is more difficult to get off of than heroine. I've never been on heroine, but I can tell you that getting off of Paxil was a nightmare that many of my Internet support team accurately refer to as "Pax-Hell". After following all the recommendations for weaning, and using the recommended nutritional support, I still hugged the toilet for three weeks, night and day, and shed a whopping 40 pounds!!!

That left 40 pounds of excess baggage to go. I became an exercise junky...lol. I took my nutrition shakes faithfully and continued to eat very little in addition. However the scales didn't budge. I had several pregnancies...one resulting in my precious baby girl Olivia. I could always get back down to 40 pounds overweight, but couldn't seem to break that barrier....

UNTIL...

While doing some research on detoxing the heavy metals, I discovered a plan put together by Ann Louise Gittleman. She is a nutritionist, and a very intelligent, warm-hearted lady. I read an article written by her that rang true to my experiences. As I searched for more of her writings, I found she had developed a detox and weight loss plan that supports the elimination organs...the liver, kidneys, and lymph system...great for detoxing the meds and the heavy metals.

All I can say is WOW! Success at last.

She also has a support system set up through ivillage on the Internet so users of the program can communicate with each other and with her. And the best thing about it is it's free! I found her books at the library, and registered for her forum at http://www.annlouiseforum.com/. The link is on her website: http://www.annlouise.com/.

I have been more functional using this plan of eating. I'm suspecting my great results are due to getting things out of my diet that I'm sensitive to...such as wheat and dairy. I was able to take a job tutoring children at my church's school. My thoughts are clearer and my emotions are pleasant. Sadly though, I had to quit the job due to no paycheck. I'm not willing to leave my baby crying for me with a sitter that I can't pay. There also were excessive chemical exposures as they were laying new flooring with the most obnoxious glue you could imagine; and the spray they use to clean the dry erase boards just made me high. I tried to teach using a mask, but that was awkward, and uncomfortable for the kids as well. And then when I learned that I was misinformed about being paid for my work, I decided that what I need to do is tutor out of my home where I can control the environment and the billing. Which leads me back to needing to get my house in order...Another story for another day. Every worthwhile journey is taken one step at a time. I'll get there eventually. The point of this paragraph is that with the dietary changes, I am well enough mentally to tutor children again.

I've regained much of my brain function using Reliv nutiriton shakes and I've gone from a size 18 to a size 10 in a matter of 6 months following Ann Louise's nutritional advice inspite of being on 30mg of cortizone a day which is known for increasing the appetite and causing weight gain. I would highly recommend both to anyone desiring better mental and physical health.

Holiday Stress

2007-11-05T19:52:00.000-05:00

"Oh, you better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Clause is coming to town!!!"

I saw a sign at Walmart the other day that said "52 days until Christmas". Sheer panic!!! With 4 children, it can get expensive to satisfy everyone's Christmas wishes. My kids are pretty understanding though. Last year we used our Christmas money to take a family trip to Colorado. It was fantastic...especially the plane ride, and they didn't seem to miss having lots of goodies under the tree. The problem comes in with my siblings. They all have children now...3 nephews and 2 nieces. They are all very well off financially. I always stress out about what to get people who already have everything. They also have never learned to appreciate the simple things in life. Last year we went into debt to purchase their gifts expecting a monetary gift from my father that never came. We aren't going to do that this year...thus...anxiety. I absolutely hate disappointing people.

I've looked into the possibility of me taking on a temporary job in order to earn some extra money. My oldest daughter is finishing up her 8th grade curriculum and won't start highschool until after the holidays, so is available temporarily to babysit my toddler. Target wasn't interested in hiring me...I suspect due to the chemical sensitivities. Amazon.com is hiring. My brain has been turning off and on lately and I never know when the switch is going to flip. I'm concerned about whether or not I can do the job. And then there is a company I'm considering that changes out the food items in vending machines. It doesn't pay well, but I get to keep all the food that I remove from the machines. That would save on our grocery bill which I could then apply to our gift budget.

The children and I will make fudge for our friends, scout leaders, music instructors and Sunday School teachers. Also, my church's moms group is adopting a needy family to bless this Christmas. That is the fun part of the holiday. I tell my kids that to celebrate Jesus' birthday, he wants us to give the gift of love to others.

My brother and his family will be coming into town for Christmas. My home improves a little every year, but there are still unfinished projects. Also, we are continually working on getting organized...my biggest challenge. I fantasize that if someone could just help me get it organized, I could maintain it. Before I became ill, I used to help others organize and clean their homes for fun! It's so ironic now that I am unable to do it for myself now. I don't even know how to begin to find someone to help me. We moved here 5 years ago, and I've never been able to quite get a handle on it. The book and paper clutter was at it's worse when I was homeschooling three of the children at once. We've made a lot of progress since then thanks to my husband building us a storage barn. My brother's family will be staying at a hotel this year...as they are now have two children of their own, and there just isn't enough room here to suit them. But I still want to be able to walk them through the house without stepping over piles. It would be nice to have a ceiling in the hallway as well. Our house has been under construction for about 3 years now. My husband tells me I must learn patience. I think he needs to learn to have a sense of urgency...lol.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philipians 4:6

About Me

2007-11-05T13:29:00.000-05:00

I'm a mentally and emotionally challenged mom raising 4 children ages 2 to 14. My purpose with this blog is to organize my thoughts and resources to help me to be as good of a parent as I can be.

My diagnosis range from chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, learning disability, bipolar disorder, lead/mercury/cadmium toxicity, adrenal failure (Addison's disease), multiple chemical sensitivities, to laziness and hypochondria.

I've been trying with everything in me to regain my health for the past 10 years. At times I think I've "arrived" and then take a dive. I constantly research and try new things to improve my health. Some things are a tremendous asset and improve the quality of life...but the battle seems unending.

The mental symptoms are the most debilitating. I've been able to homeschool my children from the bed/couch for a few years very successfully. But now, their needs are increasing and my mental capabilities seem to be declining to the point that it doesn't seem to be in their best interest to homeschool anymore. I've enrolled two of them in a private Christian school. My teenager studies from home using a curriculum called Alpha-Omega Lifepacs which does the organizing for me. The majority of my time is spent interacting with my 2 year old. We like to go on walks together and play at the park.

I am a Christian of strong faith. Through all my struggles I've come to realize that God uses all things for good...yes, even this.

I am married...going on 18 years. The Lord put us together, each with our unique strengths, weaknesses, and needs. This marriage has been a growing process for both of us. I believe that the statistics are that 75% of marriages that involve mental illness end in divorce. I am very blessed to say that hasn't been the case with us. My husband gets frustrated when he sees me suffering and doesn't have the answers. I get frustrated when I feel like I'm letting my family down by not always being the mother, wife, and housekeeper that I desire to be. But there is no doubt in my mind that the Lord put us together and will help us overcome every obstacle together.