Confused

My brain is scattered again today... Lots of thoughts in no particular order... Worries of me offending people or leaving them with a negative impression of me. Fear that people won't trust me to care for their children. I wrapped gifts this morning with the moms from my church. One side of the church had a gas leak. The other side was full of chemicals. I had my choice of poisons. My brain went bonkers. My worries...I talked too much about myself. They don't like me. They think I'm crazy. I'm so frustrated I couldn't remember where I worked and then kept thinking about it long after the conversation moved on. Should I quit doing things with them to spare me the pain of rejection and worries about me not saying the right things? After a short time in that environment, I couldn't follow their conversations at all and was just confused and quiet.

I've been having an anxiety attack that has been lasting for a few days. The sweat just pours, my heart pounds and races. I feel sick to my stomach. What to do about it? I've started eating more carbs (not sure it's the best solution, but it seems to help). I'll get back on track with my diet soon, but for now when I'm having a panic attack, it helps to sit down with a bag of Tostitos, or a handful of chocolate and milk. I'm making a conscious effort to breathe deep. My muscles hurt so terribly. Inside I beg for someone to have mercy and rub my muscles for me. But I know better than to ask. My requests usually seem unreasonable to others and the rejection hurts more than if I never asked. When I tell Mike how much I hurt, he tells me to take Ibuprofin, so I shut up. I took a muscle relaxer hoping to sleep better without as much pain, but Olivia is not sleeping well, so mom is not sleeping well. What an endless cycle this seems to be. God, please help me.

I feel so different from everyone else. I feel so isolated and misunderstood. I need to know my place. I need to know if people love or hate me. I need to know where I'm welcome and where I'm not. It's so much easier not to try...just to cut myself off from others because rejection is so painful. It's no fun being confused. One gal told me today that I just need to confess that I'm well. OK. I'm better now. I guess that makes it so.

Tonight is Christmas dinner with Mike's work. My counselor will be there. It's time once again to put on my smile, not say anything other than "hello, it's good to see you. Have a merry Christmas." I hope I can do it. I need to get two gifts together. I'm thinking maybe the lotions I forgot to take to the church for our mom's group family. Also perhaps the cookies that we baked for Mr. Beater and didn't take because Heather felt sick at the last minute. There also are two cans of popcorn. I want to take one over to the kid's school. I should do that today. And the other to the dinner. That makes three gifts. Well, I wanted to give some cookies to Angie and Sam anyhow, so maybe I'll do that.

Today was a productive one in that I got our gifts delivered to my Dad and Lee. I finished making the bulb to replace the one that Dad and Lee misplaced. I made a decoration for Dad's cookies, and attatched that huge bow to Lee's gift. Anyhow, I was thinking clear enough to get it all finished and together to take it to them. While visiting, I didn't feel that I said anything that I shouldn't. I did find it frustrating though that I had thoughts I couldn't say. I don't know what to do with them. They stay as if begging to be said and it's hard for me to think of anything else. But I didn't say them. Not because they were bad, but because Lee wanted to do all the talking. I actually feel more comfortable around people who talk a lot because I don't have to worry about saying anything at all if I don't want to...other than uh huh, and that sort of thing. There was a gal at their house spraying furniture polish. My head is such a mess. I want to stay within the safety of my own home, but that is lonely and misinterpreted as well. No matter, it's a necessity that I don't go out too often, and that seems to be what is happening...too many chemical exposures and too much social stress. I like expressing love to others. And I like being useful at the church. I just wish it didn't take such a toll on me. I wish I could be normal, or that people could love me just as I am. God please heal me.